Due April 2009 - Festive bumps explode into crimbo, April mums wait in limbo

[BabyCRIMBOlat]

New thread here (I hope!!)

Great stuff Dr Snowy!!

Well. Here it is chaps. It gets dark.

I already told my mw in August I was not happy, as an initial alert to her, and she said "Well, there's nothing you can do about it now you're pregnant. It's in there and will have to come out". This was less than helpful. I have seen her once since, for a thyroid blood test in October. She was in my house less than 5 minutes and then scurried off.

I then told DH and he said "Well I will try to cheer you up then. I am happy enough for both of us". He then proceeded to get his usual array of overwork-induced hypochondriac illnesses that involve basically lying in bed every evening and weekend until I was running myself ragged looking after DS1 and DS2, running the house, and working a 50 hour week (plus 12 hour commute) in a short staffed, underfunded department. Oh yes, and counselling a terrible AP who has since gone home (thank god).

Next of all, surprise surprise, this 41 year old worn out mother-to-be got SPD. I texted my mw and asked for a home visit. She never came and instead just told me to buy a maternity belt from Mothercare. At the time I was on all fours with pain and this was about as appropriate as suggested an aspirin to an amputee, frankly.

Then the next bit you all know, they took a month to give me a physio appointment and when I got there they refused to treat me and just told me to do the core stability exercises I do religiously anyway (my core is pretty good). I have to go back after three weeks (i.e. tomorrow).

Chiro has been treating me at considerable personal expense to me at a time when I am very overdrawn, but this treatment is not enough on its own IMO.

So in BoffinMum's head the noisy permanent irrational Tourette's type dialogue currently goes like this. I am aware this all sounds somewhat disturbed, and I would like to reassure all of you I have not assembled the means of topping myself and I do not intend doing so. It just sounds like that here.

Don't trust the NHS.
Everything hurts.
Fucking crutches.
Unpack some baby stuff from loft.
Nest.
Lazylazylazylazy NHS.
Stop nesting to spite them all.
They don't care. BASTARDS BASTARDS BASTARDS!!
DH is incapable of understanding.
Never have sex any more.
Everything hurts.
Fucking crutches.
Stop eating to spite them all.
Thighs are huge. FATFATFATFATFATFAT!!
14 stone 10.
Everything hurts.
House walls closing in on me haven't left house for daysanddaysanddaysanddaysanddays.
Don't have to like this baby, in fact I really feel extremely indifferent to it.
Nasty baby.
Cut baby out with kitchen knife HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Chew nails.
Hang self from roof rafter HAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Can't hang self because children will be dysfunctional and disturbed forever after.
Can't cut baby out with kitchen knife because this is ridiculous.
Stop eating.
Eat more.
Nasty baby.
Pretend to be normal.

So there it all is. I am now going off for a cup of tea and will remain alive short of a meteor strike (which you would hear about in the news), and return in a bit, so do not collectively panic if there is temporary radio silence from this end.

Nutty, yes, it's £5 a year

Boffin, I think that it's completely normal for you to feel as you do. You must be absolutely exhausted, stressed out of your head & in a great deal of pain.

You seem to be very depressed. I accept that you're not intending to hurt yourself, but even the thoughts about it are massive alarm bells. You need to see your GP & alert them to how you're feeling. Your MW is clearly useless, so I wouldn't waste any time on her. But you're going to be a prime candidate for PND (although the relief of the SPD not being an issue, etc., will help raise your mood) & you'll need support.

I also think that it's very easy to feel indifferent towards the baby at the moment. You don't know him, all you know is that he's a drain on your physical & emotional resources. It's like there's a ticking bomb inside you - whatever you do, there's going to be a whole new person in your life come April & you'll have to deal with what that means. At the moment that's terrifying (especially when you are feeling so tired / in pain / everything else) but that doesn't factor in the fact that you will love him when he arrives. Even if it doesn't kick in immediately, you will grow to adore him. I don't have half as many things going on as you & I'm finding it really difficult to get excited about my baby. As much as anything I'm impatient for him to get here so I can get to know him & not just be an incubator.

Oh, & as for the fat thighs, I challenge you to find anyone on this thread who doesn't feel the same about that!

Luckily Nutty has much more practical advice than I do

I'm adding my face, though. Nobody should be treated so badly by the NHS. It's obscene.

Thank you all my wonderful MN chums xxxx

I am glad you do not think I am totally mental thinking all this. There are not a lot of people I would say all this to. I am usually the one at the front encouraging everyone else. That's what I do. It's what's expected in my life usually.

I will get £3000 from BUPA for all pg and childbirth costs (it is capped) and the indi mw will be £3400 including the hypnobirthing course with a colleague (I have been panicking a bit about 2nd stage so I thought hypnobirthing training might be a shrewd move), but there is just a slim chance I will be able to stagger payments over 2 benefit years (year starts 1 Feb) getting in effect 2 x £3000 which means I can then claim the £800 - £1000 for chiro that I will have spent. I will have to ring BUPA though and see if this is permissible.

I am taking DH with me to stupid physio in the morning and I think I might take a print off and show her the protocol from her professional association and ask her why she doesn't do manipulation and why she left me for three weeks to do stupid core exercises that never make a difference. If she doesn't play ball after that I suppose I could make a complaint about the whole setup (I already made a complaint about the referral which got them running around). However I am sure they will be as patronising to me as they always are to every other pg woman. I suppose another option might be a referral to a specialist in rheumatology or orthopaedics but I am not sure what can be done given that the general answer around here is to do virtually nothing.

Do you know, I wouldn't even mind paying twice if I could afford it, but I already spent £2k having private root canal treatment because there are no NHS endodontists around here and I had two teeth in a very bad way. I just can't keep shelling out this kind of money for healthcare, especially if I am going to have to find £10k a year in nursery fees or for a nanny for the new arrival. I am always running behind as it is (and I have never been a consumer goods credit boom crazy kind of person ever - I just have been working in academe so long I have run out of savings and assets. I had lots of 3 month contractual gaps over summers without pay and this really has ruined my finances. I have a permanent post now but I have never managed to catch up with myself).

Anyway I will try to post tomorrow with an update of my war with the NHS. Thanks again people xx

Good morning ladies - I fell asleep at 8 last night - am such a loser!!!

VBM - I am so very on your behalf - I am sorry the treatment you are getting (or not as the case may be!) is disgusting.

Firstly I agree with Nutty, your midwife is a complete and utter joke. They have no right to dismiss concerns like that and the fact that they have is just completely unprofessional! I know it's not always nice to complain but I really would and explain that as a result you have decided to take out private treatment at considerable cost to yourself and will be recommending others do the same to avoid similar mistreatment by them.

Secondly SPD / Physio have no advice here as am not a sufferer and cannot really therefore understand the pain you are in but can only imagine how debilitating it is. Think Nutty and you are right. Print out all the stuff they are supposed to do and if they cannot answer why they have failed to complete the basic support then ask to speak to his/her manager - do not leave until you have proper answers.

Thirdly your DH. It is very very sweet that he is so happy but I am not sure he understands exactly how much you do. The only advice I can give is to sit him down and explain that for you and your baby to remain healthy you cannot keep going at the rate you are. Write down a typical day and physically show him what you have to get done everyday and try and allocate tasks to each other - making sure yours are the least labour intensive. It's not quite the same but I had been working 12 hour days (with 20 hour commute) as well as at least half a day at the weekends and it wasn't until my DH went mental at me that I realised how much pressure I was putting myself and my relationship under and my bosses had no idea how much I was doing because I didn't complain. It wasn't until I sat down with them and said this is what I have to get done by the end of the week and they were like, 'well that is not possible!' (duh!!). I guess what my rambling is trying to say is that while your DH may appreciate everything you do, he may not realise what's involved in getting everything done and may need it to be spelled out for him!

To me you sound like a wonderful mum and this little bean is very very lucky - the fact that you are so worried about your current family and this one already shows how much you already care for them!

Now as for the mental thing I just want to say thank you! While I don't think my concerns are anywhere near as serious as yours, and while I would consider myself 'fine' you just made me feel very very normal! I am not trying to belittle your concerns in anyway but I have amended your list for mine ever so slightly:

Not ready for this baby at all
Got to get the baby stuff
Can't be bothered to get baby stuff - too much hassle will do it tomorrow!
Can't afford baby stuff, still paying for the wedding!
The house is a mess
DH is driving me crazy
Make DH a lovely lunch to make up for being a b*tch
No, he got me pregnant, he can put up with the moods!
Never have sex any more.
Plan nice night of sex with DH
Start a fight with DH, go to bed without sex
Eat some chocolate to make you feel better
Don't eat chocolate
Thighs are huge.
FATFATFATFATFATFAT!!
Have cellulite on the front of my thighs WTF???!!!
Am bored of being pregnant - want baby out
No I don't - will be a rubbish mother because I hate being pregnant
Ah baby is kicking, love baby, come out!
No don't come out, as it changes everything
My career is over
I hate work
Stop eating.
ooh just have another chuck of bread!
Have lost my identity, am just a pregnant blob
....

As I said, I really am not trying to belittle your concerns or make this post about me in anyway but think considering I don't have other children, or a family to look after and I am not suffering in any way shape or form physically, I still have days when I feel so unbelievably confused about it all. So when you combine that with all the other things you are going through then it's not surprising you feel so confused and down about things. The combination of everything is making those thoughts more intense for you and hold more gravitas in your mind. Sorry I guess what I am saying is that I don't think you are mental, I think you are normal but the treatment and pressure of the external elements are making these things seem uncontrollable.

I am going to stop warbling now, the car has broken and have to phone the garage to get it sorted (if I can get the damn thing started!)

Good luck today - hope you get everything sorted!

Bolat, I loved your mindnoise list and pmsl so that cheered me up no end. Still crying a bit this morning folks, but you lot were a tower of strength to me last night, and helped me get myself together ready for a new round of protesting and action.

DH is doing his best but he is a man not a pg woman so having you people to talk to is a lot more helpful frankly.

I am off to physio with DH at 10 (takes me an hour to go 10 mins in the car, find disabled parking space, and waddle 50m to clinic). I have printed off some meaningful professional literature about what they should be doing.

I have also contacted the Patient Complaints people and I am seeing them straight afterwards to complain about being abandoned in my hour of need, and demand an immediate orthopaedic appointment on top of the physio.

I am also going to suggest to them that they pay for the indi mw, who is one of their bank mw anyway, on the grounds that a new directive called Patient Choice came in during 2008 and now they are permitted to use the private sector for certain things providing work is done up to NHS standards. I think this is winging it a bit frankly, but if you don't ask, you don't get. I will argue I am a special needs case.

Anyway I will update later with outcomes of hospital trip.

Ah thanks Nutty - I am alright really, I know in the big scheme of things these thoughts are normal and I would say 80% of the time I am so excited about the baby that I don't even think of those things but they do creep in from time to time...

Oh I can't even imagine what I will be like in 13 weeks time, think me and bubs will be having a chat soon about the chances of him or her coming out a bit early! 2 or three weeks would be lovely!!!

I am very fortunate at the moment that I don't have stretch marks but my thighs are getting considerably more chunky! and I have never really had cellulite before maybe a little on the back of my thighs so got in a proper strop last night when I spotted it (then proceeded to cry for 30 minutes with DH thinking I was upset about something completely different and much more serious - didn't have the heart to tell him I was crying about dimples!!!) But woke up this morning in a much better mood that the past few weeks, took the car to the garage and WALKED (yes I walked) the 40 minutes home, I have booked myself in for a hair appointment tomorrow (no colour for me as I am still a bit scared but definitely a nice style and blow dry) and am going to sit here with my cup of tea for 30 minutes and then I am going to have a sort out of the house and throw out all the crap that is getting in the way then going to have a tiny clean up and then have a bubble bath. Decided to enjoy my next week off and not let myself get stressed out about it!

Boffin, your plan sounds great - cannot wait to find out how it all went - I hope they are suitably humble and embarrassed by their behaviour!

Well give it time!! who know how long it will last...

What are you up to today?

BoffinMum report now ... great progress at the hospital!! Yay!!

• Immediate sympathy from physio.

• Offer of four hydrotherapy sessions - they are putting me at the top of the waiting list.

• Referral back to ante-natal clinic for pain management for pg women (lots of options - highly specialised treatment - stronger, more effective drugs).

• Coaching given in how to use crutches better to take even more weight off pelvis (really works although arms quite knackered now).

• Taught new and better exercises.

Then DH and I had a coffee and went to the Patients Liaison people (PALS) to talk about the midwifery problems. They were very nice and helpful, and they will refer it to the Director of Midwifery for advice and further consideration. I should hear pretty soon about this.

Also PALS will make sure the referral to the ante-natal clinic happens in a reliable and timely fashion, to avoid a repeat of the last fiasco.

This is all very good and I am so pleased you all encouraged me to sort things out.

Boffin - I'm not surprised you have been down, pain is enough to drive anyone to it. I 'only' have sciatica, and am slowly learning how to adapt my day to day routine to cope, but I still woke up in tears the other day saying "I wish I wasn't pregnant". The prob is that just thinking about not wanting baby makes you feel absolutely shitty but it's completely natural I think. Your appointment today sounded really good and your arms will soon get stronger!

I definitely hate being pregnant - I want to be competing on my horse and climbing mountains as usual. Unfortunately current state is so uncompatible, although at least it's the winter so would I really get off my arse to go to competitions? Roll on the summer . I think I will be a bad mother to be honest, the first problem is that I think I may feel quite quickly that bfing is equally constraining so I doubt I will last long at that tbh! Failure at the first hurdle lol. I am also the sort of person who when someone gives them a baby it also cries...... until the poor little soul is passed onto someone else.

Hey everyone - will catch up in a minute, but will post here before I brave the pregnancy topic!

TMI, but I'm really scared, so... Just had (amazing) sex, but found blood afterwards. Not loads, but enough to drip onto the sheet a little & still wipe onto toilet roll, etc. That's unlikely to be pregnancy related, right? That's just one of those things, isn't it? I'm sure it's happened before I got pregnant, but now I'm freaking out a bit. & sex always sends the bump to sleep, so I'm drinking cold water & jumping around trying to make him move - but as yet, nothing. Which doesn't help. Again, I know that I'm panicking over nothing, but I want to know if I should go to the hospital or something just in case? Or do you think it's okay?

hey hey, can't tell yous all how much i appreciate reading all your ups and downs. Makes me feel like I'm not going mad. I would agree with all your mind chatter ladies, concur with all the doubts worries and negative feelings. I too feel totally conflicted about every aspect of this experience. Tis not easy this pregnancy lark, we are all saints and angels with the strength and fortitude of mountain goddesses. I'm really gaining a greater appreciation of what being a woman means. We're all amazing!

I too am having issues with the nhs and midwives and all. Bloody inconsistent idiots. You know I mentioned that I'd had a leak of fluid on saturday? Well I had another one yesterday while I was through in Glasgow at my boyfriends. Was worried, so called the hospital again and they told me to go to the nearest maternity unit and get examined. Glasgow people examined me, were lovely and sent me away with a letter , saying that I needed a scan to check everything was OK and said to call the hospital in edinburgh to book one. They expressed surprise that I hadn't had another scan yet anyway as I have fibroids and they should be checked. Just called edinburgh and they say "Sorry honey, we don't do scans here " and that I could come in if I wanted to , but they'd only examine me like glasgow did and do nothing else. AAAAAgh. Edinburgh just won't do a scan, and I desperately want one now. am so worried now, there's so much inconsistency. i'm so annoyed that they wont even give me one when another hospital has advised it. if i had the money I'd just go and buy a private one, but even then it wouldn't be a medical one would it to check fluid volume and fibroids. GITS GITS GITS

Snowy, please go to the hospital asap in case it's cervical. You shouldn't be bleeding after sex like that.

Frekkles, a private scan should do anything an NHS one would, and you would probably end up having it in the NHS hospital with the NHS radiographer, ironically enough. However if there is a clinical need they should do one for you anyway. You can take a leaf our of my book and make a complaint to get them leaping about. Or just shell out for your own peace of mind.

Eek, okay. Hospital it is, then. What do I say? I've never had to go to the hospital for anything other than a normal scan appointment. Do I just go to the same place & ask the receptionist?

Also, I've read everything I've missed & will respond properly in a bit, once I've calmed down & stuff. But Boffin, glad everything's looking a lot better!

& BB, I feel exactly the same - stepping into motherhood is a big scary! Who knew?

snowy, it says in the front of my hand held notes that you should ring the hospital for advice if you have any vaginal bleeding. It's probably fine, but maybe just give your hospital a ring to be sure anyway.

big reassuring hugs darling, sure it'll be cool x

well done on the amazing sex front though! good on yous two x
I had thoughts of amazing sex in mind last night until the leakage scuppered all sexy thoughts... even spent half an hour in the bath trying in vain to do some lady garden topiary. but some how terms like amniotic fluid, vaginal discharge and stress incontinence or the threat of a three month premature baby don't seem to turn me and my young man on ;) how strange eh?

Haha, yes, I know the feeling. It was literally only in the last half an hour, so my body's still all 'oooh, sex', but my mind's all over the place & I don't want sex ever again right now - if I'd have known there'd have been a scare as a result of it I think I'd have been rather put off

Is everything okay, though? Baby's still wriggling & all?