Ringing in the New Year & 2nd trimester - July 2019!

[wombatron]

New home and new thread to start 2019.

@AIDE2424 @cravingmilkshake @HchyScott @ReginaPhalange89 - will tag more when I go back to remember.

Bring on the fake Prosecco and bed by 10pm tonight!

docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1y-XaVbeNQM-bCGlrUxXxcBBNGUfIVQY4htZRUpbbw

Oh Chinks that sort of wall of silence is awful to deal with. It really is your choice, at the end of the day though, not his. Is it possible to Realxh some kind of agreement with him along the lines of: what you've said is a shock, I respect you but do need to understand the why behind this u-turn in more detail then 'I just changed my mind', then ask if he'd go into more detail on reasons or go get help with you if it's too hard to dig into. If you focus, to start with, on the need for a bit of reasoning and understanding, to help you see his side, you'll at least have more information about what's in his head. Then you'd be better placed to decide if this is existential or not for the relationship. After 8 years he owes you at least that, don't just take some vague words as a reason! Better still, tell me where he works and I'll go give him a piece of my mind tomorrow. 😉 He really isn't behaving well at all.

*reach

@chinks really sad to read your post. It’s sounds to me that he’s not being honest with himself or you. You have a strong defence here - he decided he wanted a baby when he did the deed, saying no now is too late. It’s an immature reaction likely because something else is on his mind. The others are right - you will hate him for the rest of your life if you terminate without any stronger justification at this stage. And why is he only telling you this now if he realised after You found out you were pregnant - that was weeks ago. No- it’s not on and isn’t logical. As awful as this would be to deal with, if he says he willing to leave you because of this, when you are in a committed relationship, then I don’t think that’s the real reason for him leaving. And if he says he will leave... you need to let him go. It will destroy all if you otherwise.

It may well be that when the truth comes out you both find a way through it. I do think you should confide in someone that knows both of you though, they can help give you a balanced opinion. And he needs to speak to someone. Could you suggest a joint counselling session....

Do you think you could manage on your own with two? If you do, that’s all you need to know, the rest will work itself out one way or another.

Dig deep and find every ounce of courage you have - you will get through this xxxxx

@Chinks the situation your are in is awful and I couldn’t imagine having to go through that. All I can say about it is that I have been through a miscarriage and I know how hard I found it to come back from that. I wanted somebody to blame but, fortunately for me, it was a cruel fate of nature. If you were to terminate because he asked you to, you would most certainly have someone to blame for the loss of your child. I know there is no way I could continue in a relationship in which I blamed my husband for the loss of my child. I realise he thinks that it is not yet your child, but it most certainly is. When I lost my baby, I lost it’s whole future and everything that goes along with that. As soon as I got that positive result on a pregnancy test, I had a baby.

Right now, you have to think of yourself and what it would mean for you. He is right, it is a decision that involves both of you but unfortunately, the decision was already made when he agreed to conceive a child.

Just take good care of yourself and do what you need to do for yourself. Sending all the love in the world xx

I'm so sorry @Chinks123. He's being a dick about it really isn't he ? How can you try for a year and then only decide you don't want a baby once you've conceived, what a mind fuck.
Also threatening that he will leave if you keep the baby ? So what, you split up and he continues to see your other child but refuses to be a father to the baby ? How could anyone possibly feel like that . Miffed.

I don't know what to suggest other than that maybe he's just panicking. I'm so sorry I can't be of any help, but sending love and I know you'll be ok if you do have to do it alone 💕

Oh Chinks that is a horrible situation. Agree with everyone that the decision to continue or not is yours not his, as if you make a decision for him you will resent him for the rest of your life. Also, it was already a joint decision to try for a baby, so he's had his choice time.

Half of me thinks he needs persuading to a) see a GP for depression and b) come with you to the scan so the baby seems more real and he can start to come to terms with it. The other half of me wants to slap him for doing this to his pregnant other half at such a vulnerable time, and that he should get over him self and step up and be a parent as you both planned.

Christ, @Chinks123, that's a horrible situation, I'm so sorry :(

I agree with what all the others have said above. It's one thing to change his mind (which could happen, despite being devastating), but another to him treat you this and 'expect' you to terminate because he says so.

There's a big lack of logic and reason here, and like some of the others I'm desperately hoping it's because he's not well. Maybe he's struggling with hidden issues and it's manifesting itself like this. He doesn't want to (or can't) explain because he doesn't want to face the true cause himself and deal with his dark places. At least, that's what I hope.

You sound incredibly strong (even if you don't feel it right now), and this is 100% your decision to make. It would be fucking shit if he left, but would you rather he stayed and you terminated, or you had two and did it by yourself? For me, I think that's how I'd be breaking it down to myself and how I'd go forward to make a decision (won't be the same for everyone).

If you're in or near London and want to meet up to vent or chat, I'm here x

@chinks123 I’m so sorry you’re in this position and I agree entirely with everyone else. If you terminate I think you’ll always hold it against him and blame him. I think it would ruin your relationship.
It’s a horrible position for him to put him in. I know if I was you I’d have to keep the baby and if it meant losing him then that would be his doing.
You are incredibly brave and strong and don’t be afraid to speak up. I really hope things work out for you xxx

@Chinks123 I'm sorry you're having to deal with this right now, but you sound really strong, and brave. You will be just fine no matter what. Loads of great advice here and I agree with the others as it seems there's possibly another reason for his sudden change of heart, thatperhaps isn't fully aware of himself, or doesn't want to face that truth yet.

Either way, you will be fine! But you deserve a better explanation ~and he deserves a good kick!~ what a silly man, what age is he if you don't mind me asking? My exp acted in a similar way when I was pregnant with DC1 and it was a complete shock to me. I did it alone and can honestly say that was the best thing I ever did, he was 33 years old at the time and suddenly turned into a 15 year old, he had lots of suppressed issues. I can relate. Keep us posted, I hope everything works out, just focus on you right now x

Thankyou everyone, I like to reply to people individually but there’s been so many of you with advice I don’t want to miss anyone out, I can’t say how much I appreciate all your kind words, you all sound like my kind of people I’d definitely have as friends in real life

Lots of people have said I’m brave/strong but I don’t feel it at all. I haven’t even given a second thought to getting rid of my baby, I know I’m not going to do it. I’ve been dreaming of their little face for over a year and there is just no way.

I’m nowhere near London but Thankyou so much, you all sound like very tough women, I’m sure you could all give him a good talking to! @StargazyDrifter the offer to go to his work is exactly what my best friend would say, it did give me a laugh.

He’s 27 and for everyone that’s mentioned it, yes he had depression years ago. The way he’s being towards me seems like we’re back there again, although when I gently suggested this he denied it. A month ago he bought me flowers and said I’d made him the happiest man alive..

Anyway sorry for the essay but you’re all amazing, and if I end up alone I’m sure you’ll all have great advice. Thankyou xx

Hi everyone sorry I dropped off the thread a bit, was struggling to keep up.

Sorry to hear about sad news and thinking of you ladies who have had losses xx

Chinks I can sympathise with a lot of what you're saying - despite going through three years of infertility and three ivf cycles, my DH has freaked out since falling pregnant and has said awful things about how a baby will ruin his life 😔 it's been extremely distressing. It has pushed our relationship to the brink and I still question whether we will make it or not. He's been to his gp and is getting help though - he knows it's mental health issues making him feel like this and it's not really what he thinks. I can totally sympathise with how awful and isolating it is for you though. You feel so protective of this little life inside you and cannot believe anyone would wish it away. I don't know about you but it's provoked such strong feelings of hate towards my husband.

Anyway - I hope he gets his head sorted as soon as possible. Make sure you take very good care of yourself and try to avoid stressful arguments - only because it's so wearing on you and your energy.

I'm 12+5 today and have my dating scan this week. Feeling really nervous. Saw bub at 10 weeks and all was well so hopefully it'll all be fine. Nausea has subsided a bit I think - but insomnia is still bad and I'm getting awful headaches 🤕

The white carb phase seems to be over and I'm enjoying more varied diet now. Trying to eat lots of fruit and fibre rich food as I'm very constipated! Even a good fart is an accomplishment haha.

A friend gave me a dream genie pillow ( they used it once ) but I didn't get on with it very well - found it hard to turn over. The cat loves it however 🙄

Thankyou @Trying2bemum it’s horrible isn’t it, he was so happy and now saying things like “it’s only cells” when he came to my 12 week scan with dd and knows full well it’s a moving baby. You’re spot on about feeling protective, I already love the baby and to be honest I am starting to hate him.

Glad your dp went to his gp, hopefully mine will do the same but I won’t hold my breath! I have my dating scan this week too, looks like I’ll be going alone but I’m still happy. Hope everything goes well for you

I think pregnancy can be scary for men for some reason. They don't have the same attachment we do - and they probably feel quite out of control as they know their lives are changing and it's all happening elsewhere, to someone else. They just have to watch.

I think they also go a bit 'caveman' - feeling like there is now this massive weight of responsibility on their shoulders and they have to provide food shelter fire lol.

There's part of me that thinks the scan this week would be less stressful on my own, as I wouldn't have to worry about my husband's reaction. I know it'll trigger his anxiety and he'll probably say some awful things to me on the way there or back. But I also want him to see his baby - really desperately want him to love it and start to feel attached.

I wish you the very best with your scan anyway and hope that you enjoy it xx

I asked him multiple times to come to the scan and he’s refused, and after some of the comments he’s made I now don’t really want him there. I’m sad because I remember my last scans, us holding hands and him getting teary as he saw dd on the screen. I’m hoping maybe he’ll ask to see the scan photo after...I don’t know. It’s definitely his depression that’s causing it, and I still have my fingers crossed he’ll come round.

He’s the loveliest dp and dad and this behaviour isn’t him, I’m hoping we can have another chat tonight and sort it before tomorrow’s scan. Hope yours goes well too, I’m getting abit anxious the closer it gets! xx

I hope all goes well for everyone who has scans this week xx

Trying2bemum and Chinks hope your scans go really well this week, and that the OHs cooperate to the extent they can.

I had a small spat with my DH last night over 'it's just cells'. Of all things, we were watching Call the Midwife and making dinner and there was a (horrible) failed abortion story, a few months in. DH said 'why are they all so bothered, it's just cells'. I didn't take it very well at all as that baby would be roughly like ours. I know it's all completely irrelevant but I couldn't stop myself from overreacting, it's that thing Trying2bemum said about strong feelings. But TV aside, DH is being very practical and I like watching his face when he's looking at the scans.

I could be completely wrong, but wonder if it might help looking at the stages of grief in relation to some of the reactions/denial?

@StargazyDrifter I was also really annoyed by the “just cells” comment. I referred back to dds 12 week scan and reminded him it was actually a baby, which is moving around by this point. To which he just tutted and said “it’s not like it’s 20 weeks.”

When a friend had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and I told him he said “well it’s not a baby is it, why is she so upset?” I struggle to get my head round it to be honest, but he is quite unemotional.

He cried at all dds scans though and I loved watching him, I’m gutted he won’t be there but hey ho. I’ll look up the stages of grief thanks, I’m sure it’s his mental health that’s making him this way but I can’t force a grown man to the gp..as much as I’d like to just march him there. He did it off his own back last time.

@Chinks123 & @Trying2bemum Sorry to hear you're both having a hard time of it at the moment.

It's strange, I wasn't prepared for the affect it would have on my other half. He's said how he's worried that the baby will be more attached to me/love me more and my relationship with the baby will have a negative effect on my relationship with him.
I'm glad he's talking to me about it. But I know the baby will take up a lot of my time. I know so many people who have been pushed to the limit of their relationship by the changes and pressures the having a baby brings. It's very scary.

@chinks123 have you asked him about supporting you, he may think he doesn’t want to parent this baby, but is he willing to be a good partner to you and make sure you personally are looked after, therefore would he go to the scan for those reasons. What if you got bad news for example...does he care about you enough just to be there for you right now, despite what might happen x

Chinks my DH refuses to look at my ten week scan pic ☹️ it makes him too anxious. Honestly these men! That's hard when you have such lovely memories of your first pregnancy. I hope he snaps out of this stupidity soon.

The bunch of cells comment is rubbish stargazy ! I think I'd wonder if it was some kind of self preservation thing - they don't want to get attached in case something goes wrong? Or maybe they genuinely think like this?!

Doughnuts I can actually relate to where your partner is coming from with those concerns - as having a baby seems to be so overwhelming, it will inevitably change the relationship between the parents. It's good he's able to articulate this and tell you and hopefully you can reassure him.

Men!!!

Ugh men.

Doughnuts tell your dp about my DS then - despite being breastfed and me being at home for a year, he has always been a daddy's boy. This child cries when it's mummy's turn to do bedtime or nursery run, and we call him DH's shadow. He does love me and we have a lovely time when DH isn't there, but they have such a lovely bond.

Had my scan today and there was one very wriggly baby! Now measuring 12+5 so due 24th July. Feeling very reassured now and we can start telling family on Saturday!

I had mine last Monday and all was good, finally feels real!

Great news on the scans ladies, I’m pleased all went well with them. Only 4 days to go now for mine!

For those of you that have been bloated and struggled to eat a meal, has it ended? If so at what point!

@Giraffe888 I am super bloated and, since having really bad sickness, my appetite is tiny! I have lost half a stone since my booking appointment on the 19th of Dec. I don’t think it helps that as soon as I think of food, I think about being sick even though I haven’t been sick properly for a week now.
I am sitting here staring at a crisp sandwich as we speak 🤢

My scan is tomorrow and I am absolutely bricking it. I didn’t sleep at all last night so I’m a bit of a mess today. I noticed the hubby didn’t sleep much last night either so I think he’s worried too despite trying to put on a brave face for me.