June 2018 #4

[ClareB83]

Just restarting the thread as we're close to 1000 posts again.

June 2018 #3 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/3100612-june-2018-3

I know what you mean about grandparent points. It does seem like a regular theme on MN.

It's not something I ever experienced as my DF was pretty absent and so I barely saw his family at all growing up, whereas my mum's family looked after me all the time.

I've always been pretty good at ignoring unwanted advice (my refrain since about 18 was "I'll do what I like", which unhelpfully my mum, DH and some friends have taken as their own!). So I'm hoping I can still rely on that when I'm sleep deprived, worrying about two new babies and sore. I'll have to wait and see!

I do think the NHS over egg the c-section "don't move" advice. Sitting still after surgery for six weeks is not a good idea either. Although I might re-read this after my second section and feel a bit silly.

@Heregoeseverything Would your MiL listen if you told her what you just posted. That your dm is coming to look after you, not sit and stare lovely at her grandchild and that this is not a competition. That coming around in the first few days/weeks is a privilege not a right and that midwife/health visitor guidance is very much don't let anyone else hold baby especially if you want to breastfeed, let them run around after you regardless of birth type (or at least it was 3 years ago when I last went to an ante-natal class).

You sound like a very similar personality type to me, I'm currently writing my "birth plan" on the advice of the consultant and midwife and it contains such gems as "I am unlikely to ask for assistance ever, criticizing me for this is pointless" (the community midwife having read my notes from last time thought I should put that in).

@Dinosauratemydaffodils I love that line from your birth plan!!

@ClareB83 @Dinosaur I think the trouble is that my DMIL is not my mother, ie I don't want to be rude to her in a way that might be acceptable with my own family...! She is also a very sensitive person and not the most rational. She would probably get why my DM might come stay with me to help but I can see huffs ahead if she feels she is not getting enough grandma time or if my DM is "winning" on that front. The solution may well be to just reach arrangements DH and I feel are reasonable and then do our best to ignore any huffing.

I've mostly headed off bossiness in my own family in adulthood by simply keeping bossy people at arm's length - I don't involve them in any decision-making in my life or give them information that I know would enable or encourage them to interfere. In the event of interference I just ignore them. This doesn't work for DMIL because (1) DH tells her everything and runs minor decisions past her (it's not that he's not capable of making decisions, he's just always interested in other people's views on everything) and (2) DMIL is not terribly good at taking no for an answer if she has a strong view (which can be on the most minor thing that has no impact on her, such as whether one of us buys a particular coat) and given her sensitivity I just need to bite my tongue (we do ultimately make our own decisions, but I find batting off the bossiness trying). I have only ever exploded once (!) and it was only a minor explosion (!) but knowing myself as I do I worry that I will take well-meaning interference with/"advice" on my parenting significantly more personally and given that I will also be physically and emotionally vulnerable I might not handle things in an ideal manner...!

I totally get the not wanting to be as rude to ILs especially as mine are so new!

I think out of the two grandmas though my mum is the one more likely to sulk and huff - thank goodness I have no brothers. I think she might feature on quite a few MIL posts on MN!!

I would not cope well with a "sensitive" adult. I'd probably have told her to grow up by now. Or worse...

my DH is self employed which has it's good points and bad points!

No paternity pay, but more flexibility. He's already warning people booked in around my due date he may have to suddenly cancel and he's sorting out hiring someone qualified to help him as well. He's a farrier so there are animal welfare issues to consider too, he can't suddenly drop everything as the horses feet still need sorting! I'm hoping we manage to work a way he can have some proper time off with us and then also manage some flexibility.

It is stressful though as my maternity pay is only statuatory so fairly rubbish so we are pretty reliant on DH which is always harder when they are self employed.

Keeping focussed on the good points though of him being his own boss etc.

There is just so much to think about!

@heregoeseverything I agree with you about society's expectations that after 2 weeks we should all be grand to just crack on on our own.

It’s been some time since I posted on here, I hope everyone is very well!

Just been having a read through and the recent chat about visitors is refreshing. It’s been one of my main concerns. My partner is only able to take one week off work (self-employed) so I don’t want the whole time taken up by visitors. I still haven’t made it entirely clear to my mum that she won’t be at the birth, but I know she’ll drop everything and drive 4 hours straight to us the moment she finds out I’m in labour. I might also be moving house around my due date.

My partners family are all local in our village so will likely only pop in for quick visits which is fine, but I’d feel terrible having my family drive so far to see us and telling them all to leave after a few hours. I’m visiting them in a few weeks, so I’ll have a few chats and see how it goes!

The women in my family were all completely surrounded by relatives when they gave birth. They really maxed out the number of people they could have in with them during the birth so they're completely perplexed by the idea that I only want my partner in with me. If they won't listen I might have to be quite rude and blunt about it. Thankfully my partners family are the most laid-back people in the world!

Since your IL are understanding could they perhaps entertain your family when they visit so eg your family stay at local B&B/hotel, visit you after breakfast, go for a walk with PIL, bring you lunch, go do some shopping for you, visit you, spend evening with other ILs. That way they get to see you, stay a night or two but aren't in your face/house 24/7.

This is sort of my plan for IL as they will be travelling a long way to see us, but they will entertain themselves quite well I think esp since we're in London - plenty to see and do.

Its good to know everyone is having the same family politics dilemas!!

@dinosaursate we've got an enhanced recovery programme after c section here which encourages you to get up and moving but in a very controlled manner building it up slowly so I think you're right about 6 weeks being worst case scenario. Although I'll probably be proved wrong!! I was reading something the other day about how in Asia women have a month of relaxing after the baby is born, although I think I'd be bored that must be amazing. Apparently they heal so much better than we do!!

We're looking at second hand travel cots, I know you're supposed to have a new mattress with a cot but travel cots don't seem to really have a mattress just a base......does that mean it's ok to use? If you were using a hotels one you'd just have to use it anyway wouldn't you? Sorry I must sound ever so dumb but just wondered if anyone knew

Also I just watched my first ever OBEM because I heard there was a c section in this weeks episode.

It perhaps wasn't the best idea when I am home alone and soooo pregnant. Cried about five times.

The c section bit was really brief though, totally not worth it. The video we got shown at the NHS ante natal class was much better.

But what made me blub was that baby was cleaned up, wrapped up and then SHOWN to mum after she came out. Absolutely no opportunity for skin to skin! I want skin to skin with both my boys asap unless they need immediate treatment or I've got some problem and in that case I want them to have skin to skin with DH.

Everything I've heard so far made me think this would was possible and indeed recommended in my trust. But now I'm panicking a little that they'll just wave my babies past my face and bundle them off!

I'm definitely writing this into my birth plan.

@ClareB83 that's not a bad idea, they're all just very different people! My partner's family are all a bunch of hippies as far as my very square family are concerned. None of them have ever met each other so I'm not sure how it would go down. I'll figure something out!

And I'm sure I've seen photos of babies being passed over the screen straight onto mum's chest following a c-section. Of course some situations might mean that can't happen, but if you'd like it too surely they'd make it their priority? I don't think I could face watching OBEM, I'm concerned that it would flag up a lot of anxiety!

@clareb83 I think OBEM is heavily edited so I wouldn't take it as for certain. I know friends who had c secs who had to wait until in recovery as they were a bit shakey (apparently a common situation after/during a c sec) but others were able to in there

With my first c-sec, they handed DD to my husband after they had checked her and given her a quick wipe. He held her against me (my upper chest) until the doc told him to go with baby into the nursery. He did skin to skin until the second I came back (about 45 mins later) and DD latched on straight away for a feed. C-sec in no way hampered our ability to feed.

Tbh, I needed that 45 mins in recovery, I was very shakey and felt completely cold inside (common side effect). DH also did all the things I asked him to ensure baby was with him all the time and she didn’t have any unnecessary medical interventions without our permission, they tend to just do what they want where I live sometimes . I’m not sure I had the cognitive reasoning in that first night to consent to anything and felt very dopey on the painkillers. But DH was an absolute star with everything

That's good to know @Shutupanddance1 and my mum will be there too and keen to do skin to skin if we can't for some reason. Although I hope DH can hold both if I can't, they'll only be little after all!

She's also on hand to trail one baby if they get split up as I want DH to stay with me at least until both babies are born.

And @Northernbeachbum I think my hospital like you up and about as soon as the catheter is out. Or something like that, quite quickly anyway.

Hospitals might vary but my Consultant said that if I'd agree to the spinal, the process assuming healthy baby would go like this:

Baby gets lifted out, drape can be lowered a bit or they can hold them up high (for some reason most of our obstetricians are six foot plus men).
Baby goes on your feet/legs for a 1 minute or so whilst the cord pulses, before being cut. Anesthetist or student or midwife can take photos for you.
If everything seems okay and you want that, baby comes to mum for skin to skin although they recommend nappy & hat because apparently getting meconium out of your hair is not fun straight after surgery but that can be done next to you or on you.
If there are issues, baby would be checked over, given nappy & hat & blanket if you want and then brought over to you.
Ideally baby not to leave you from within minutes of birth through recovery to the ward and then home.

I had a category 1 emcs with ds, didn't know what day it was, my blood pressure dropped very low when they got him out and once they'd checked him over, they wanted me to hold him, apparently it can help stabilise you so I think they really push it in most hospitals these days. In the end dh held him and then put him in the bed with me to go to recovery and he stayed with me until he needed to go to NICU (for reasons relating to my labour not the section).

Seeing the most senior consultant anesthetist tomorrow so that should be fun.

On section recovery, the first time the health visitor came around to see ds, I was hoovering. Think it was day 11 or so, she pretty much exploded at dh and I haven't hoovered since (ds is 3... him and dh have matching dysons and do all the hoovering, it's great).

Thanks @Dinosauratemydaffodils that's helpful. My hospital haven't given me any details yet. I've read some other London hospitals' guidance and been to the nhs ante natal classes but nothing was as detailed as what you've written!

Meconium in the hair does sound grim.

Now thinking about what domestic chore I can do when HV arrives to get rid of forever!! Hoovering is a good one.

@Northernbeachbum We were given 2 travel cots (one from each sil) with ds and just bought 2 travel cot mattresses from Mothercare. Long term it's definitely been worth it as he got heavier, having a bit more cushion helped make it comfortable and encouraged him to sleep longer. When we went on holiday, we arranged travel cots from the hotels and just took familiar bedding and the mattress as ds is a bit princess and the pea like.

Thanks @dinosaurs that's good to know, did you take them when you went abroad too?

So glad it's Friday. Has anyone got much planned? I have nothing and I'm so happy about that!

Happy Friday, all! I'm going to meet friends, one of whom has a small baby, tomorrow. It's funny, I'm a big baby person but since I've been pregnant I feel self-conscious holding/playing with them as everyone is staring and ready to make "hilarious" comments if baby cries, "Oh no - is it too late to send your one back?" sort of thing!

Re the PIL thing it does seem that society's expectations have changed a lot since our mothers' generation. Judging from my undercover research on Gransnet (!) and MIL threads on here, people of my mother's generation (albeit thankfully my mother is not like this herself) and older generally think that new mums are terribly precious these days. "In my day I came home from hospital and cooked a slap-up meal for my DH, his parents, and all his brothers" sort of thing. I think that (thank God!) there is more of a realisation now that giving birth (by whatever means) is actually quite a big deal and mothers are people too. Also the people who say they ran around as soon as they got home usually lose sight of the fact that they were kept in hospital for a week whereas nowadays women tend to be chucked out within 24 hours!

@heregoeseverything I've been using my friends newborns (had 3 or 4 friends have them recently) for practise

Its interesting to hear how things have changed, it may be that more of them bottle fed too so less of an issue with privacy (I could be wrong but I know there was a trend to bottle feed for a while). My mum is surprised I don't want her at the hospital, but I said to her I am conscious of being fair to all grandparents (

Hi everyone I have been on the tread on the pregnancy forum, I didn’t realise there was another one
This is my 4th baby, my 3 are 9,8 and 6. I’m due on the 14th of June we don’t know what we are having though I think it’s a girl (as do most of the family). I’ve had multiple miscarriages between my youngest and this one (so I’m constantly on edge even though all my losses were early) so I’m very much looking forward to this one arriving.

Well I had my midwife appt yesterday and am measuring 4 weeks ahead 😳 having glucose tolerance test next week

Hi all, I had my midwife appt today (28w+2) and I'm measuring 31 cm...she asked for an extra scan to check on the baby...I have mixed feelings as I'll love to see the girl but not sure if she's ok..
Also got low Iron levels so I start on 2 tablets per day...

On the visitors subject I don't expect many...both our family are abroad so we planned for the MIL to come and help when baby arrives...will how that goes..

@cookie1831 are they thinking it could be due to GD then? Were you measuring average before I can't remember

@Lali1 doesn't seem massively out worth having the scan, can imagine it being a little unnerving though

Welcome to the other thread @jadeward89

They have changed their policy here you have to have a GTT first and then if still measuring big you go for scan, I haven’t had any glucose in my wee so am hoping it’s negative (I don’t want to give up cake!!)
I am way above the 90th percentile measuring 32 at 28 weeks so we are in the same boat lali