June 2018 #4

[ClareB83]

Just restarting the thread as we're close to 1000 posts again.

June 2018 #3 www.mumsnet.com/Talk/antenatal_clubs/3100612-june-2018-3

I've been thinking about lying about my C section date as I've heard so many stories of people being hassled/being bumped til the next day etc.

My mum is coming with us so obviously she has to know. DHs work obviously has to know too.

But then I'd feel bad lying to PiL who are so reasonable anyway they probably wouldn't hassle us. So then we have to tell SIL who'd probably be fine too.

My mum might blab (she was not happy about keeping the pregnancy itself off Facebook until the 20 week scan) so then that's Facebook including my friends and my family told.

Which basically just leaves DHs friends and my work, and I think what's the point? It'll be easier to just ignore people than manage the lie.

Or I can gear myself up to a 'don't tell anyone conversation' with my mum. Which will still involve her telling her work, friends and sisters even if it's not on Facebook.

I dunno. I'll still need to tell her not to announce the birth until me and DH do. It'll piss DH off otherwise.

It’s so bonkers that people can’t seem to understand that the birth of someone else’s child isn’t about them! It’s really difficult but you have to be firm, I was definitely pressured into all sorts of visits etc. last time and no way will that happen again. I just want to sit in bed for a couple of weeks and get feeding established. Plus as others have said, fathers get so little time off.

Obviously if you want your family around and they can be helpful that’s great. Unfortunately mine aren’t like that! Last time PIL brought us back from the hospital and proceeded to stay for hours and even order pizza without asking. MIL also sat in the only comfortable chair in the house (that I had bought specifically for feeding) and didn’t move so I ended up going off to bed with ds.

I agree elizabeth thing is I don’t mind friends or family visiting for short periods but mine are a short flight away so when they come they are here for at least 2-3 days and make more work than help if you know what I mean and yes the advice arggggggggghhhh drives me mad! X

In second thoughts - my situation of not having any visitors might be bliss .

On the c-section, I didn’t know I was having mine until I went into hospital that day. If I was in everyone’s shoes, I’d lie. Lie big! You can say something like you got called in that morning as they had a slot etc. With my first we didn’t tell anyone I had the baby until 2 days after as my sister was getting married and didn’t want to take the shine off her day. People got very very angry with my mum though not telling people, no idea why

The midwife taking our ante-natal classes for ds said don't let anyone cross your threshold in the first two weeks unless they are useful to you. If they're carrying hot food or stuff for the freezer, will load your dishwasher or your washing machine great. If not, lock the door and don't open it. It was the best piece of advice we got.

Plus things have changed so much, most of the advice is dubious at best and annoying at worst especially when repeated every few minutes. For example my MiL was told 4 minutes each breast every 4 hours. Okay, it didn't seem to do dh or his sisters any harm but it's not the 70s any more.

I'm quite open to people coming to visit but for short periods of time. With DS hardly anyone came to visit and I felt a bit trapped in the flat. We need my parents there to look after DS when I'm having the baby but we can't have them both to stay as we don't have room so they will stay with a family friend down the road. That said I'm a little annoyed my parents have just booked to visit my brother in Spain until the 10th May (I'm due on 26th). It should be fine but I may be induced early because of my age. They know they are the only support we have so I'm slightly shocked they did it. They can go see my brother any time!!

I think in many ways friends visiting is easier as I know ours will be very careful to not stay too long, will make us drinks, bring us food and not judge if the house isn't spotless

I also have no issues looking a mess with friends but I do with parents and PIL for some reason

We will play it by ear a bit I think

My main issues with too much in the way of early visits from family, especially ILs, are (1) I am not comfortable sitting there with my boobs out trying to get to grips with breastfeeding in front of anyone, least of all DPIL (2) I don't want to have to constantly walk up and down the stairs with my C-section scar solely to avoid people seeing my boobs (3) I worry DPIL will expect fairly constant "newborn cuddles" when they are there and I want to hold my baby (4) I want to be able to be grumpy/emotional/hormonal without judgement or causing offence and (5) I reeeeeeally don't want constant advice as it will aggravate the likelihood of grumpiness and causing offence! Though I expect the unsolicited advice will continue for at least 18 years

Yes those are all my concerns too @Heregoeseverything. Although I'd probably swap 5) for an endless stream of inane questions rather than advice.

Fortunately I think my PIL will be sensible and not stay for too long in any one go if they do come down early. I'm not sure DH quite gets that the difference with my Mum visiting is I'm less fussed about her seeing my boobs/weeping/grumpiness as we're quite close and comfortable with pissing each other off if need be.

Yes I think my DH initially didn't get this at all (eg he suggested that his DPIL would simply not accept my DM meeting grandchild before them, losing sight of the fact that I'm the one being chopped open and I would really like to see my mum when I've just been through major surgery, less keen on seeing ILs when I'm still half-drugged and immobile with fluids spewing from every orifice!). He does get it somewhat now but I'm not sure my DPIL do and I imagine there will be issues ahead if DPIL think they are getting less time with the grandchild than my DM. Which is frustrating as I will need my DM's support physically after DH goes back to work, and she would be there in a flash if I were having any other type of surgery, she will not be there to build up grandma points!

I'm also a little worried about the likely levels of (excited and entirely well-meaning) advice from (lovely, but bossy) DPIL in that I know that a good deal of the issues come from me. I grew up with a very controlling DF and find it really difficult being micromanaged as a result, it is as if it causes a short circuit in my brain. I really hope it can all be dealt with in a way that doesn't cause me to either explode or spiral into PND...

As with regards to 2. I told anyone uncomfortable with me getting my breasts out with ds that it was my house and they could move rooms or they could just not look. I got a few funny looks but they got the message. He was an emcs and whilst I could manage stairs fine, I didn't see why I should.

I think boundary setting before baby arrives is probably a good idea if possible (hindsight from last time is a wonderful thing).

First para above was in response to @ClareB83 !

Its such a tough one, I think it's difficult for PIL to understand it's not about the baby or them, it's about wanting privacy for us as mum's.

I think it can be such a long time since they had children that they forget what it's like.

Lots of catching up done on this thread. Lots to read!

@SparklesandBubbles (from about 4 pages ago sorry) good days and bad days with the tears. it's definitely the strongest 'bad' part about pregnancy for me, how ridiculously easily I currently cry

Interesting discussions about visitors. Hadn't really thought about it, for some reason. I know my PILs will be keen ASAP but equally I think they will be great at waiting until told. We will see. @Cookie1831 hard for you when they are a flight away as well.
@Dinosauratemydaffodils I'm going to channel this attitude!

Finally got my pram yesterday & all the stuff I will need - i think. Eek. 30+5 today

glad I'm not the only undignified one as well, getting on and off sofa / up and down from bed

@Dinosauratemydaffodils I'm pretty confident that DPIL wouldn't mind my having my boobs out and indeed I imagine my DMIL would offer breastfeeding advice and inspect latching etc...! Unfortunately I am not comfortable sitting there with my boobs out, I don't care whether they are cool with it, and in those circumstances it's likely to be me who needs to traipse upstairs...

@Heregoeseverything I totally get your reasons for fewer visitors - and the advice thing OMG it does not stop. I get it all the time from my parents and my sister and it drives me up the wall! I'm slightly lucky in that I only have my side of the family as DHs are all in New Zealand and won't make the trip over to see us.

With the breastfeeding maybe you can suggest they go make a cup of tea or something whilst you concentrate on the baby latching on. You don't want to have to be walking up stairs when you've had a c-section just to get some privacy!

@Dinosauratemydaffodils We haven't quite decided yet about our visit to Scotland but I'd like to visit Aberlour and round that way as it's where my Mums family originated from and I've never been. I'd love to visit the lochs as well - maybe near Fort Augustus. Do you have any recommendations? x

@Heregoeseverything That sounds awful. I take it dh wouldn't run interference/tell them to go away for a bit? Would "please go out whilst I feed the baby work?". By the sound of it, I'm guessing no but worth a shot? Or could you make your bedroom a nest and only let them in a short period and send them downstairs to fetch you things whilst you feed?

Is this your inlaw's first grandchild?

@SparklesandBubbles Lovely. We head up to Inverness/the black Isle/Loch Ness quite a lot, it's lovely and there is quite a lot to do depending on the age of your eldest/the weather/what you like. Ds is 3 and loves the beaches/dolphin spotting in the moray firth and the highland aviation museum because you can sit in all the cockpits and play with the switches for as long as you like. The Highland wildlife park by Aviemore on the way up is also great for having a wander around if you are driving and Loch Morlich which is just by Aviemore is a lovely place for a picnic if the sun is shining.

It's the same for me @Heregoeseverything, I think PIL would be fine with seeing my boobs as SIL has been breastfeeding for years wherever she needs to, it's me that would want some privacy. Especially at first and especially as I want to try tandem feeding and I don't think you can do that subtly!

Fortunately even tho DH doesn't totally get the difference I think MIL does as she was at both of SILs births (whereas the fathers parents aren't) and I think she and my Mum have chatted with each other about what it's like supporting your daughter.

Also it's first grandchildren for my mum (I'm her only child) whereas it's 3rd and 4th for PIL. They also live a lot further away and are a lot older so inevitable my Mum will be seeing more of them.

SIL also assumed we'd be spending the first Christmas with my Mum so looks like I won't have to fight that battle either.

I think I've been quite lucky with ILs.

They have some odd views about modern medicine but I just ignore them. Otherwise they are very reasonable people.

Had a surprise call from HV team today arranging an ante natal visit. I had been under the impression that they didn't do them in my area.

@Dinosaur @Sparklesandbubbles Thanks so much for your responses. I'm hoping that keeping early home visits to a minimum, as my DH has agreed to do (I have agreed to my DM similarly keeping a low profile so we get to spend most of his 2 week paternity leave just the three of us), will minimise any issues. I hope that when I've had 2 weeks to get used to it I will be able to BF discreetly in a manner I'm comfortable doing in front of ILs (and any other visitors). I do think that if DH and I hadn't come to this agreement my DMIL would want to be there every day, and would likely think me prudish and silly for refusing to just lop them out in front of her...!

That does sound good @ClareB83 ! And meant to respond to the earlier question, mine is also the first grandchild which no doubt ramps up the excitement...

We've agreed my mum will be with us for the birth but then go home, so it's just me and DH for his paternity leave (albeit with visitors probably at the weekend).

My mum will then come up for a week when DH goes back to work.

And then DH will take another week off. So I should have help for a whole month, which sounds good atm.

I may even be keen for some alone time by then!

DH's boss also agreed today to be flexible with DH's paternity leave because there's a good chance the twins go into SCBU for a while and we think it's a waste for DH to use his leave just to sit around hospital. We'd rather he was off when we're let out and the twins course we did recommended agreeing this with the father's employer in advance. If it's just a day or two we won't bother but if it's going to be a week or more we'll send him back to work for a bit.

Sounds amazing @ClareB83 . My DH has been discouraged from taking annual leave additional to his paternity leave by his employers... society's expectation that new mothers should just get on with things without fathers' support a mere fortnight after birth is a bit rubbish if you ask me (especially when "try not to move too much for 6 weeks" is the C-section advice)!

My DM will be coming to help when he goes back but I remain worried that DPIL will not understand that she is there to look after me, will be a bit miffed and will think that they are entitled to an equal number of "grandparent points" when she leaves... Maybe I'm worrying for nothing, and I do feel supported by my DH which is half the battle (albeit he is not allergic to constant advice the way I am and allows it to glide over him with ease), but my biggest post-birth worry is and always has been how to manage ILs' expectations and balance them against my need not to be suffocated. I suppose I am quite an independent and private person, escaping from the constant control of my own childhood was blissful, and the idea of other people feeling ownership of my time and child freaks me out. That said they are good people, it's lovely that they are excited and want to be involved and I think there is so much benefit to a grandparent-grandchild relationship. Might just have to wait and see how it all works out in reality...

Mumsnet threads on this topic are not encouraging...!