Hey all, I wrote this a couple months ago and posted it to my FB but I thought I'd throw it up here to give you a bit of a laugh. I hope everyone doesn't mind, I'm a believer in laughter as medicine👍 sorry it's long!
So it turns out, I'm only human.
Before I became a parent I had lots of ideas about How To Be A Parent, many (all) of them a bit 'judgy' and wildly inaccurate, but well intended. I am now wiser and sleep deprived and therefore I would like to SINCERELY apologise to all of the parents who I probably secretly judged and who were maybe just doing their best and/or having a night off...
Here are a few areas which I believed I either wouldn't do or would do better, than the afore mentioned parents (don't laugh):
- Screen Time.
Pre-children: no tv before 2yrs, but even after that my children will be too busy playing with their wooden toys and reading books about nature.
Have you ever noticed those children in restaurants with iPad shaped eyes, not communicating with their parents, avoiding all vegetables and eating only chips? They're mine.
A parent will quickly learn that if you want to continue to partake in pre-child activities then you need to drug your children into submission. They are there, but they are not there. As they get older they can be more 'there'. Hopefully. Want to eat in a restaurant without the joy-of-not-cooking being snuffed out by whinging, breaking-things, small people? Bring electronic devices. Before smart phones and tablets, parents had to provide a steady stream of tanora, coke and packets of bacon fries if they wanted a quiet drink in the pub of a Sunday. They did not go to restaurants with children. These days fewer calories are required but a power outlet and charger are vital if you want to pretend your carefree for a few hours.
- Sleep
Pre-Children: a good bedtime routine will ensure children sleep through the night.
Bull. Shit. This is in fact an out and out lie, perpetrated by people who want you to feel like the shittest parent alive because your children don't sleep, because it's your fault. Fact: some kids sleep, some don't. Routine helps. You come to learn that sleep deprivation won't kill you, despite feelings to the contrary, and that those sleep-nazi-people are shit heads. (This is a very emotional topic for me). On a normal Friday night the children go to bed easily enough*, husband and I high-five each other for our amazing child-bedtime skills, we drink too much wine in celebration and then the children wake intermittently from midnight - 530am.
*touch wood
- Food
Pre-child: Children will eat whatever you present them with.
Once I stopped laughing after I typed that, I reflected fondly on my previous all-knowing-child-feeding ways contrasted against the new knowledge that even the most innocent looking child can break the spirit of an adult. To use facts and figures, I have two children: 50% of my children eat 100% of their food. And I assume the other 50% would survive happily on sunshine and air but because of the sleep issue (see above) I provide whichever 'food items' are deemed acceptable, in order to assist this.
- Personal Hygiene and Clothing.
(This applies to the parent)
Pre-child: WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE WEARING?? ARE THOSE CROCS??!?
Let's be clear, it is never ok to wear crocs anywhere beyond the operating theatre. Fact. But now I at least understand WHY a previously sane, vaguely fashionable, person-of-the-world might find themselves out in a public place with such footwear. It's because it was the only thing they could find at the front door once they had fed, changed, dressed, changed, redressed and strapped the children into their buggy/car seats. Rather than sweat buckets searching for the lost shoe to a pair at the door while the children wailed (and probably poo again) they make do. This also applies to showering, but honestly even a scrapped back ponytail can start to look greasy after day 4.
So, just to recap, soz about before. Kids are actually pretty cool (otherwise why would you have more than one) but its important to know your limits as a human, lower your expectations for family outings and embrace the small stuff (and small people).
Pass this on to any pre-child friends and save them from their own stupidity.
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