Due May 07 - W/C 11th Feb

[Frenchsmallfry]

Morning all.............

This weeks resolution for me is to get off my bum and organise my life.

OOOOHH you lot have set me off again - It has been storing up for a while - we actually had a chat on the car last week and he said he wasnt happy with life - he still loved us but everything is getting him down, he does feel an added burden with the lo on its way, and I can understand that, it was just the way he said it, it was so hurtful, anyway I am happy that baby is fine was sooo good to see it again and the features were so much more defined and you sound see it swallowing and taking gulps, I was sure it was a girl so can now clear out the cupboard of girls clothes that I was waiting to decide what to do with - ebay here we come!!! Will be back in a but to update you on dp - not looking forward to him coming home really feel like just saying FO at the moment and buggering off down to my mums

Lupins, how horrible.

He needs to realise that if he had doubts about having a baby then he should have been brave enough to air them before you started trying. Doubts at this stage just need to be dealt with and blaming you is pointless. It takes two people to make a baby and two people to make a relationship work.

I suspect that he has had one of those, "Oh my God, we're really doing this" epiphanies and it's taken him by surprise. He shouldn't have reacted to you the way he did, but bear in mind that it's probably an outburst that he hasn't really thought through. Whilst you probably want to kick him in the nads for being horrible; what he might need is for you to be calm and try to get to the bottom of the real problem. For example, perhaps he's worried about work/ money and since the baby is adding to the worry, the problem has manifested itself in being all about the baby.

Absolutely dreadful for it to all come out like this, but don't despair.

FWIW, my DH is worried about money. Even says (only half in jest), things like, "Well, we'll make loads of money on this house, provided we're not bankrupt before the end of the year."

He freaks sometimes when I buy stuff and panics about how we can possibly afford all the things we need. It seems to calm him down a bit, when I talk about things like going to NCT nearly new sales to look for stuff and when he mentions, say, a high chair, I'll remind him that we don't need anyting like that for ages and that there's no need to spend on things we don't yet need. This usually results in him saying something along the lines of, "Well buying used furniture is good idea, but I don't want any used clothes for my baby." (I actually don't mind, as long as they're washed!).

So it's incredibly hard to stay calm when things like this come out and I realise that him saying he has doubts about you having the baby at all is so much worse than it just being about money, but I daresay that he does want the baby; he's just fretting and worried and doesn't know how to handle it.

HTH.

I am so pleased that your little boy is thriving Lupins. It can't help that you must spend an inordinate amount of time just worrying about having a healthy pregnancy.

As stated earlier, men are a bit fick. However, I am almost convinced that he didn't mean half of what he said, that he is reacting badly to his own unhappiness and blaming the baby. Plus, the upset he has caused you should be enough for him to face his words and sort this situation out.

It is very, very wrong of him to behave like this, but I think you and he can now see how unhappy he is (not at all your fault or the baby's). Is it general unhappiness/worries or could he be a bit depressed do you think (understand if you don't want to answer that)?

I know this is a horrible generalisation but in my experience the first thing that comes out of their mouth when reacting emotionally to something often isn't what they are really feeling - or what's at the core of their worries and fears. I tend to think and talk on the fly whereas my DH either can't articulate it or says something half baked and then we need to calmly talk through it to get to the heart of the matter.

Doesn't excuse what he has said and how hurtful it is to you but I really don't think that is what he means.

SOH - still wearing your beard

well ladies need to get ds down for nap and have a quick tidy up b4 painting bdroom so will try and keep up spk later xx

It's a wee bit like a dead ferret if you catch me in the wrong light, but I think it's dashing nonetheless.

It's official. Pregnancy has tipped me over the edge.

Lupins-I dont mean this to sound patronising or scary but...dons 'trained counsellor' hat (I really am, got certificate and everything-mind you they do practically give them away), I think maybe he needs to get some help.It sounds to me as if this might be about issues other than the pregnancy but the baby has bought it all to the fore..
Could he be suffering from depression do you think? And have been doing so for a while?

His reaction to your news about having a boy isnt what you might expect and having a boy is a seperate issue from worrying about money..Boys and girls cost the same..It sounds to me as if he is off loading it all in one big lump and focussing all his unhappiness on that issue rather than the fact that he might be unhappy in himself..However I must iterate his unhappiness (general or regarding baby) is NOT your fault..please dont for a second think it is or feel guilty about anything at all(easier said than done of course).Furthermore you can help him deal with it, but its a journey he has to undertake largely on his own, (to sound sappy, apologies).I would really try to get him to go see his GP if he will and get a referral for some counselling..I think this is important, for him, but also for you..Your focus right now has to be your lo's.
If you speak to him later and its all resolved re the baby and he apologies and all I would still try to get him to go and speak to someone because it sounds like there might be things going on with him..(obviously having never met him thts not a qualified opinion but..)
Anyone can get depressed at any time and sometimes nothing seems to cause it..its often a chemical thing..to attribute it to one cause, in this case the baby isnt normally speaking very valid...

I wish I could give you a proper cuddle..

O SOH, I was exactly the same as you when I found dd 1 wasnt the boy id imagined all along, (found out before she was born fortunately).Made me not want to be pg at the time, think it wouldnt be how I wanted it and that I would be a terrible Mum because she was a girl and I wanted a boy.As soon as she arrived all that went away and I love that girl more than anything..this one is a girl as well and I havent been so bothered this time around, but I still yearn for my boy sometimes if im being totally honest..though I think when baby arrives I wont feel like that...

Well, you'll fit in rightly The Wurzels.

Lupins - I think SOH is probably right, finding out the gender must really make it real (we have bumps to remind us. I'm sure that new baby excitement will kick in and it will be easier to see the positives.

I had a bit of a wobbler myself yesterday. At first I thought it was all about work as I work for myself so all the pressure of getting contracts finished for my very real deadline is on me. I realised that I had also been worrying about how I would manage to do a fairly high stress job with 2 kids. My DS has suddenly given up having naps in the day, and has been waking really early in the morning and then being cranky. I was so knackered I felt like I couldn't play with him and was thinking I'm a crap mum, now I'm going to be a crap mum to 2 kids.

This morning when he woke up I realised that he has 4 huge lumps in his mouth from his back molars coming through. No wonder he has been miserable. It made me feel much better though because it helped me to get things in proportion knowing he'll be better soon.

I think this might just give me a push to try and get a project I have been thinking about off the ground for when I finish maternity leave.

Ive less money now than ive ever had in my life BTW.Even when I was a student, (no offence lwatkins).I find it best not to think about it..although I know for some people that approach isnt a goer..(and it probably isnt that sensible either)
What we all need is that money expert, Alvin Hall is it? To look at our accounts and advise us..He could do a Mumsnet special!

Scooter- thanks for sharing that. Thought you'd all throw virtual rocks at me. It's good to know that I'm not the only one going through something (DH are you listening, this is why I need MN. Bugger off, it's mine).

Aherm...

Benson, you lovely lady. Been waiting for you to come online. Guess what I got in the post? I absolutely love it. And it's so kitsch (poor old Mathilda's not going to thank me!). Will post pics as soon as I've knitted something from it. There's even a tam-o-shanter pattern.

And ouch, molars sound like a likely culprit. Poor thing. And don't ever refer to yourself as 'crap' or I'll sit on you. And I'm a big pregnant person you know. With a beard. Confusing isn't it?

We would NEVER throw virtual rocks on this thread, d'ya hear me?

Mr SOH listen to your wife - have you not seen what the stress is doing to her hormones a beard for crying out loud!!!

Looking forward to seeing those photos SOH, isn't it handy that apparently any fashion that you didn't see first time around can be deemed 'vintage'? Matilda will be painfully trendy.

I'm another one with my heart set. I'd really like to have a girl - mainly because I already have a boy and I have one brother so having a boy and a girl would just seem right. However, I'm sure I'm having a boy, I've got the most boy shaped bump you could imagine. I think it mattered more to start with, I'm now beginning to think, if I have a boy I won't have to deal with the pink thing, if I have a boy I won't have to deal with all those things that make mother/daughter relationships difficult (I don't not get on with my parents, but they aren't friends in the way my PIL are and i'm much harder on my mum than I am on my dad). Think once I see that little bean I will be happy whatever.

anyone chosen names yet we knew as soon as we found out we were having a girl libby-jaine!!!!!

Benson- my two problems with little girls were the pink thing and the replication of the mother/daughter relationship (sounds like I don't need to explain that one to you). Such an fraught, intense relationship! FWIW, my friend had a complete boy bump and had a girl in December!

Laura- my bump is called Mathilda Beatrice.

Cinnamon is calling her daughter Emily but she pronounces it weirdly. I think she's a bit odd tbh. She's antipodean.

SOH and i are sharing the rights to Mathilda (although my spelling will be Matilda)

See, she can't pronounce Emily for toffee.

I think it's an illness.

Ha Ha Ha - you are a wench

Lupins, (((HUGS))) from me too. Totally agree your DP needs to see a GP, pronto, be completely honest with them about his feelings, and ask for help. As a formerly depressed person, I can tell you that there is no shame in becoming depressed about something. It is very difficult to admit depression, because for some reason society would rather pretend it doesn't exist, and few people are comfortable saying "I've no idea how to deal with this, please help me sort it out." Much easier to come blasting out with hurtful things to the person closest to you... It probably sounds very scary to think of saying personal things to a GP, and again to a counsellor, and taking meds if recommended. It can be the hardest thing you ever do. But the real tragedy would be if he didn't take the opportunity to deal with what bothers him, because you are blessed with a healthy baby, a little person to be loved and enjoyed...and there is a way forward out of this!! V. sorry for ranting on, bit sentimental today. (BTW my depression was 'pre-natal', and in my research I discovered men can get this too - whatever it is, he is not alone) ((HUGS))

...maybe he needs more support from his peers...like...DADSNET!! tee hee hee oh no what have we done???

My bump is called Aoife. Irish - pronounced "Ee-feh". She was a great warrior in Irish mythology.

"Pornographer, nutcase, pedant, wench".

Come on hurl your abuse at me. I'm making a list. I'm hurt.

Aoife is beautiful!

Mathilda means tank. Hang on, no, it's 'mighty in battle'.

Emily means 'daughter of Australian interloper'