June 2016 #7 - We're still waiting for the second trimester "bloom" but healthy babies and stronger kicks all around!!

[nehagarg]

Here is the next one people.

Stats here!

docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1oTx71GeTR-ilVPTpIhNhutAwZPqNyYNEyIDwO80PmKQ/edit#gid=0

belle, i didn't get on with my support band but my pelvic pain is at the back not the front. Its a S/M size, can post it to you if you want it?

Physio gave it to me x

This baby has started recognising a song I play to him quite often. He starts moving if I play it now. He was quiet this afternoon and I played it and he started moving. Gone quiet again after it ended.

Same thing this morning.

Fascinates me how quickly nature works to create a conscious being. He was a couple of cells 6.5 months ago!!

nehagarg that's lovely with the music! It is amazing isn't it- our bodies are currently growing little people that started off as cells not that long ago. It completely blows my mind! And nursery wise I hope you find one you're happy with. I visit lots of nurseries as part of my job, and I would definitely agree that the surroundings matter much less than the feel of the nursery, the staff, and how happy the kids are.

We had a look round the local hospital maternity suite last night. I'm hoping for a home birth or midwife led unit if not, but if I do end up in hospital we thought it'd be a good idea to have had a look round first. It was very bizarre. we were part way round the tour before it occurred to me that all this stuff they were saying about the women who came in actually applied to ME- that I was actually going to be giving birth pretty soon, so I should probably pay attention.

I'm going to a birth centre tomorrow Mollie, a tour and info time. It will take 2 hours apparently! I was booked to go with DH, but our house sale completes on Monday so he's had to go back to England for the weekend. The thing I'm most anxious to find out how much it will cost to have gas and air and how much my insurance will cover me!

Thats so sweet nehagarg

Argh - getting a bit stressed with family. DP and I have talked and agreed that we'll probably want to spend the first 2 weeks getting used to being parents and ideally not having visitors. We have some family who could probably drive to our new place, pop in for a couple of hours, then drive home. But I have a lot of family who are a plane journey away - so any visit is likely to be staying in our home for a few days at a time. I reserve the right to change my mind, but neither DP or I are overly close to our families, and I think we'll want to have some time to bond as a unit of 3 before we invite others round... does that make sense?

My sister has booked flights already and suggested she could stay with us for 3 weeks (basically from due date onwards) suggesting she can help out. Which is a lovely offer, but not at all what we want. And after explaining what we wanted to my mum she started exclaiming 'you mean I won't see my first grandchild for 2 weeks?!' ... she was also surprised to hear that if all goes well I would likely to discharged on the same day, I wouldn't be staying in hospital for a week (like she did 30 odd years ago). Struggling a little to be calm, kind and diplomatic...

jellybelly oh dear, that does sound difficult. Would your sister maybe stay somewhere else so she could pop in but you would have your own space too? At least your DP is feeling the same as you, so you can show a bit of a united front and work something out.

My DH and I were talking about this the other day too. I don't have any contact with my family, but he's close to his. I was thinking we'd have a week or so just us three before any visitors, but he had thought that his parents would come and visit in the first day or so. I really like my own space, and though his parents are lovely, the thought of them being there so soon really stresses me out! My DH is brilliant and will support me in whatever I want to do, but I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable not wanting them to visit so soon, and don't want to seem like a crazy first time mum! Of course I might change my mind and want to show the baby off to everyone but for now the thought of it makes me feel very stressed. What have other people done?

My mum stayed in an Air b&b in our street for the first week or so. I lay in bed and breastfed, DP cuddled us both and looked after us, and my Mum provided regular meals for all. It was ace.
My mum is very good at only providing advice when asked directly, and we are quite close, although not very very close, so not the same as you Mollie!
I do think having someone around to look after you all can be great. But they have to look after you, not need looking after themselves.

Waiting in the antenatal unit to get some advice/ monitoring about reduced movement today. Really scared- I hope everything is ok. It's pretty surreal here- lots of women sound like they are in early labour. DH came along with me and is happily polishing off dinner and working his way through a bottle of wine!!

Thinking of you eastend. Hope all is ok x

jellybelly I was in a similar position with DD in that my parents are a plane ride away (the kind you have to book months in advance) but I'm very close to them. DD was a week early so it turned out they came to stay 3 weeks after she was born which worked out well because I had help from DH and MIL who lives locally til then. I couldn't have done without help in those first weeks, providing food or just holding the baby while I slept (DH was exhausted too from helping at night) but I wouldn't have wanted anyone from DH's family staying in our house, no way.

The thing is, you have no idea how you'll feel until it happens. I never wanted anyone to visit in hospital, and thought I'd want a good few days before anyone came to the house, but MIL came the evening we were discharged for a quick visit and I was fine, really proud for her to meet DD. If you plan to breastfeed, some people struggle in the beginning and you might find yourself spending most of your time with your boobs hanging out. You might have an uncomplicated birth or a more difficult one and it all affects how you feel afterwards. I would be firm with your parents and say you want some time to bond as a family first - it's the mother's prerogative, shame on them if they complain - and if you change your mind and want visitors or help, hopefully they'll support you.

Back home now, sigh. The little so and so decided to perk up as soon as they put the monitors on. Just glad to be out of there!!

Am having family woes too- my mum told me months ago she "assumed" she would come and stay for a few weeks after the baby's born but no flipping fear!! I just told her we aren't planning anything yet. We have a slightly odd relationship where we both wish we were closer but just rub each other up the wrong way. And my dad and DH don't really get on so add lots of stress and sleep deprivation into the mix and it'll all go downhill very quickly!

eastend glad everything is ok.

Thanks everyone. Glad it worked out for you sambababy - I have a somewhat strained relationship with my DM, I tend to avoid her as much as possible. The idea of her staying even one day is arghhh! It would be like your DH family staying over. I think the closeness of your relationship to visitors is really important as to how much you want them around. If I see my DM for 3 days every 2 years, why would I want to host her for even a week when I'm a new mum?

I hadn't thought of asking overseas visitors to stay at a local hotel/B&B mollie - increasingly think this is a good idea. I'm even thinking of how I can restrict visitors after 2 weeks to avoid anyone hanging around the house all day... clearly what DP and I want is very different from the expectations of my family, so I need to find someway of managing their expectations. I'm just super surprised people are making travel plans so close to my due date, and haven't thought to ask 'is it ok if we come visit'?

Anyone got any tips on how to restrict visitors in a kind non-offending way?

Torfinn that's so nice of you but you may need it at some point I'd feel awful

Eastend - I'm so pleased everything was OK in the end. The babies seem to like to put on a performance for monitors don't they?! Tough situation with the family. I think you are definitely right to think about having space and doing what's best for the three of you.

biking - good luck with the sale completion!

Grubby - your mum sounds amazing!!

jellybelly - that's a really tough situation, and not on for people to presume anything without asking first.

MollieRos - if it's easy for the PILs to make arrangements at short notice then I'd probably ask them to wait until you let them know you're ready. You don't know exactly when your baby will be born and for how long you'll be in hospital or how you'll feel when the time comes. Don't worry about feeling like a crazy first time mum! It's the only time in your life that you'll be one so go with what feels right for you :)

My experience was slightly different because I needed help, I had a c-section and a 10lb baby I couldn't lift easily and DP had just started a new job so had only 2 days pat leave. My mum came down to stay as DP's leave ended and stayed for about 2 weeks. I felt ready for general friends and family short visits from about week 1. I am close to my mum but she lives about 2 hours away so it was lovely having her down. She offered to look after the baby while DP and I went for a meal on day 2 which was amazing (the restaurant was pretty much around the corner so I could run back quickly if needed).

I think the biggest help was having someone to take care of the chores like washing, cooking and hoovering. If they are only prepared to help with baby - specific things, this can make it stressful.

Also, politely encourage visitors to bring tasty food with them

jellybaby - has your sister considered that you could in theory go two weeks, past your due date, have a couple of days in labour and then a couple of days (or more) in hospital?

Glad everything's ok eastend.

We will have family visiting us from overseas I'm sure. PIL always stay in a hotel so that hopefully won't be too much stress, and I assume will only stay for a couple of days.

My DP will also want to stay, again probably for a few days, but last time they came they had our bedroom and we slept on the living room floor. Can't see that working this time. But DM has several health issues which means she needs to have supportive beds and not have to walk or stand too much. I think we're just going to have wait and see with this one. I don't think they'll book tickets until the baby is here.

I don't like bf in public, I can just about cope in front of DMIL and DM, so I really don't want people around here the whole time.

Too many variables!

Glad everything is ok eastend

Re family last time MiL came and stayed in our house while I was in hospital to look after the cat (and DH) I had an induction so it was easy to plan. It turned out really well as induction took days, meant she kept DH fed on the evenings!
Once DS was born both sets of parents came and met him in hospital a few times (we were in for three days) then before we came home MiL left. My parents came for a visit the next day and then everyone left us alone for a few weeks. Both Mil and my parents are very helpful and not in the way at all though.

Glad all is well Eastend. I think the sound waves from the monitors really wake the baby up. Mine went mental as soon as they were put on too.

My MiL might come around for a few weeks but its a long trip for her (from India) so she will stay a few weeks. We'll have to work out a way for it to be comfortable and not just in the way. Thankfully my parents live close by so will only pop in for short visits.

gromette she clearly had not considered this possibility! I've negotiated that she can stay up to 4 days if baby has not been born, but once they are here we will probably be restricting visitors - so she can pop by a couple of times but we will want our own space.

biking my sister is travelling from another continent so I understand why she would book tickets in advance, but been very surprised that European family are trying to plan dates already. how soon did family come to visit for you? My DM didn't bf but I really want to, and like you think I'll need my own space to establish feeding, especially at the start.

I guess one of the issues with far-away family is it won't be possible for them to pop by the hospital for a visit, or can't imagine them coming for a quick visit in the first couple of days. That's why I think coordinating visits after 2 weeks will give me/DP/baby space and make it easier to manage visitors after. I think maybe I need to write an email to outline some ground rules, as clearly everyone is already planning and not asking me what I think I'll want/need. As someone with chronic depression (well managed) I also need to put myself first to reduce pnd risk.

Managing family is stressing me out more than the idea of giving birth!

My view is the first couple of weeks are precious. I wish I had less visitors last time, people are well
Meaning but I found it exhausting trying to establish breast feeding, in shock at actually having a real line baby and then trying to chat to visitors. My mum is really nearby so could just pop in which was much better for me. This time, no visitors for couple of weeks so we can adjust to life as a family of 4... Eek! My oy advice would be if you have people staying don't feel bad to spend a lot of time in bed with baby, show them where tea/coffee is and say you need to rest up. X

Thanks for the kind wishes all. So tired this morning, zzzzzzz!

Jelly I can relate to your situation- managing my parents is always pretty stressful!

Glad everything is ok eastend they do like to keep us on our toes!

Interesting to hear everyone's thoughts about visitors. I'm hoping to breastfeed and from chatting to friends it seems they spent pretty much the first few days either in bed or on the sofa, top off and boobs out, trying to establish breastfeeding. I really don't fancy that with my in-laws having a polite cup of tea! And although I know that I should embrace any help offered e.g. washing, cooking etc, I'm feeling very stressed by the thought of other people around. Perhaps it's because it's in-laws rather than my own family. They live about an hour and a half away so not really far away, but they can't really just pop in for 15 mins here and there.

jellybelly if your sister (and any other visitors) did stay in a b&b/hotel then it might be a bit easier to keep some boundaries, e.g. "we're finding we all need some quiet time in the afternoon so it would be lovely to see you in the morning for a couple of hours before lunch, then you can come round again later for dinner once we've all had time for some rest" (and encourage them to come via the supermarket and sort out dinner for everyone ).

jelly with my first two we were in the UK, so they were a few hours drive away.

This time, I think people will book flights when I tell them they can, but they will want it to be quite soon after the baby is born. DH and I said no over night guests in the first few weeks with the other two, (except mum who turned up in the middle of the night to babysit DD whilst I was in labour with DS.)

This time round, I think we will need a little more help. With 2 DC to entertain, and living up three flights of stairs, and a car that is parked the other side of the city, I'm having to learn to be a bit more dependent on other people than I ever have before. So provided our parents will come and be helpful, I.e. Do shopping, cook meals and take the other kids out I'm more than happy for them to stay in a hotel near us a few days after the birth. Last time I was at Starbucks the day after DS was born, but that was just having to get in a car and drive to it. This time around it would require more effort, so I'm going to have to learn to be a bit more of a home bird at the beginning.

It's awful that it's so stressful to manage families. My mum is very critical and doesn't tolerate mine or my sister's inlaws she becomes very prickly then moans afterwards so I've never been able to have the two together, so my main aim is to keep people separate for visits. She's been stressing me out alot recently with her little comments if it carries on I will have to tell her it's getting to me which I know will cause more issues. She's great in that she will always come if I'm ill or anything to help with the kids just wish she wasn't such a bitter person.
I got on well bf last time but know I may not this time and when people were visiting I always went upstairs to bf and left dh to entertain

What I have to watch for here is friends. Culturally you welcome people over with certain snacks and drinks, and you might well open up a time of the day where people are allowed to drop in unannounced. Say between 1 and 3 pm every day for a few weeks. I say sod that!

I'm telling my friends that they are welcome once they have been invited, and only if they bring me cake! Thankfully, they're quite tolerant of my British ways, and even though it might not actually be a British way, but my personal preference, they put it down as such and so I can get away with saying anything!