November 2014- thread 4- 12 week scans and blooming in the second trimester!

[barmybunting]

Hi everyone, we have run out of posts on our last thread so hopefully we'll all find this one easily enough.

Here is to more positive 12 week scans and enjoying our second trimesters, all feeling more human hopefully!

He runs his own business (hardware & DIY outlet store) so he could take time off as he is his own boss. He's a bit obsessive about the shop though and to be fair, something does always seem to go wrong when he's not there. It will also be the run-up to Christmas, which is always very busy. His job is really stressful, particularly when he goes back after his days off and there's loads to catch up on.

I can see where he's coming from, but I'm still a bit stunned that he's not planning on taking any time off at all. Is it unreasonable to suggest that he plans to take a couple of days at least? I was thinking that if he could help me in the mornings/evenings, I can probably manage with drop-in visit from my DM during the day after the first week or so. Is that a selfish thing to want?

Weeonion, feel just the same- need those tips! Dd will start pre school in September, looking forward to 15 hours a week just with new baby but the thought of getting Dd to school by 9 is quite scary! We generally thought being dressed by 10 was an achievement last time!
Luckily only going to have to manage 2 days a week.
Sure it will soon become routine but it's definitely daunting in the early days

Twiglet my ex did the same when I had DD. He barely visited while we were in the hospital which is literally 200 yards from his office, and when he did visit he was bored, distracted, didn't want to be there and it just depressed me and made me feel like shit. He then only took a few days instead of the offered 2 weeks and spent those days off out doing his own thing. In the nights he did not help once, he was snoring his head off whilst mum and I were both up trying to work out what the hell to do with a screaming DD for 3 hours. He let mum do everything, all the cooking etc and just sat back being served his dinner and beer. I am actually really looking forward to doing those early days again without him ruining it and making it 1000 times harder and upsetting this time!

Tisgy DD was 4 months, we had a joint 30th birthday party for her father and christening so everyone only had to travel once. It was early enough that she was still tiny and everyone got to meet her as a baby, but late enough that I was back down to a decent dress size, all healed up and sleeping better and in a routine, DD wasn't so demanding and delicate and was OK with the crowds and big day and it worked well. As usual her father was off doing his own thing and getting shit faced but then it was his birthday so understandable on that occasion.

Posy don't feel bad, pregnancy is knackering, we do need extra rest and we do have less energy, those who love us will understand that, especially if you usually would help and do your share. I'm sure your DP just appreciates the human you are making!!

Venus usually my mum and I would kill each other after more than a couple of days together, but when I had DD I was so grateful for her being there. She flew into the house, cleaned it top to bottom, went to the supermarket and stocked up the cupboards, made sure I got 3 meals a day, kept it clean for visitors, helped with the nights, made sure the laundry was done, took DD out when I needed a nap or shower or just a break, she was an absolute godsend. Usually I would have hated her doing any of that, taking over, fussing, messing with my house etc, but for that few weeks it was exactly what I needed. This time I've already booked Dad to stay before the birth to help me when I'm really immobile, and mum to come down for the birth and do what she did last time. Both of them are banned from the actual birth, I'll be doing that alone, but they'll collect DD and be on the ward waiting for when I get back to the ward with the baby.

Twiglet you're not selfish at all. You need support from your oh in those early days. I know it's difficult when you run your own business but surely a week or even just the mornings for a week should be doable? Also does he not want time to bond with the baby? I don't really understand why he wouldn't want to take time off no matter how inconvenient.

I've got a letter about lack of rubella immunity, I last had an mmr when I was a baby. And I've just had a missed call from the nurse at my surgery asking me to call back about it...

Do I need it? I know rubella is very dangerous but I've never ever heard of anyone having it! And I don't know if it's safe to have a vaccine while pregnant? Or if they will tell me it is but really it's not ideal?

Right I've just read up and it's a live vaccine... why would I have that while pregnant????

I would have thought even when I'm on placement in a month or so I wouldn't be massively at risk as I've never been before?

Alita, you can't have the rubella jab while pregnant. I guess they do the test so you know to keep away from infected people, as much as you can, and have the jab when baby is born.

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/1104.aspx?CategoryID=54

Oh and rubella is a mild illness, but can affect unborn babies really seriously. It's mostly passed to pregnant women from their own children, which is why they stopped vaccinating girls in year 6 (which I had - old gimmer) and vaccinating babies instead. Double check your step daughter (I think? I've lost track) has been vaccinated.

twiglet - i dont think it is unreasonable at all - even a few days off and maybe a few more when he is around in the morning and home earlier..
Whilst they may be tiny bundles - i remember our lives being completely turned upside down in the early ays. Granted alot of that was to do with trying to get bf sorted out but i couldnt have imagined doing it with no-one there to help out.... plus as blamber says - it can be a good time for you all to get used to being a family / new unit?
dp dos have slightly more rose tinted glasses about those early days than i do... he just remembers happiness, endorphin rushes, cooking nice food, hanging out tiny baby clothes on the line. (he put on a stone weight with hour long breakffasts) I tend to have a different view.....

All these things they fly into a panic over, it's just insane! Surely when you're pg you avoid sick people anyway, not just because of any risks to the baby but also because it's bloody miserable being pregnant and ill and not being able to take any remedies, and the stuff they panic over - whooping cough, rubella... I'm 37 and have never come into contact with rubella and have only known one person who had whooping cough - me!! At 26! I could understand the panic over something very common like the latest cold going round or when the norovirus is doing the rounds etc but something I've encountered once at most in 37 years?? I'm not having the flu or whooping cough shots and I have rubella immunity but wouldn't worry if I didn't. This is the UK in 2014, we have great nutrition, great health and immune systems, great hygiene, great life expectancy, I'm not worried.

alita - maybe check out with your health professionals - GP and midwife? I am not sure if you can always avoid sick people and especially not when they are infectious and not know it?

I was just reading the other day an article from the Lancet on the sharp decline in whooping cough in general population as a result of the vaccination programme. There had been an increase in cases especially amongst babies / yung children.

Each person should make their own informed decision - I am not a medical professional so wont be giving out advice!

wheresmymonkey - i thought a shower before midday was worthy of a mini mexican wave in the early days!!

Twiglet

Hope I'm not speaking too frankly

I think your DP will really need to consider this no paternity leave thing. Frankly it's a bonkers and people will think oddly of him, not to mention the fact that you'll struggle on your own and it would be nice for your DC to bond with his/her dad.

Do you know any other (youngish) fathers who might have a casual word with him? Sometimes that can be more effective than just hearing it through your partner.

Also, it feels a bit like he thinks the baby will be your baby singular as opposed to your baby plural.

My DP took 3 weeks' paternity leave with our first. It was utter, utter bliss (of course it was plenty overwhelming and hormone-filled too). I fed the baby and he cooked and cleaned and we all lazed in bed lots and lots, and the baby slept on him while I had a much-needed soak in the bath etc. It all went to shit when we went back to work but let's not mention that

Of course it's lovely to have your mum around too but it is a different thing, not the same thing as your partner taking the time to learn how to be a dad.

Again, I'm really sorry if I'm being too frank in what I say. I'm sure your DH is just coming from a place of wanting everything to be best all around (i.e. not lose business, etc.) but sometimes they just don't see the big picture. When I was pg with DD my DP was seriously considering starting a job when she was newborn that would require him to be away Mon-Friday as standard. I was seething that he could be so clueless about what our new life would be like but in fairness to him he just had no sense of how it would be. He does now though!

I know some of us have talked here about depression / anxiety and wondered if this may be of some interest??

It's Mental Health Awareness week this week - the theme this year is Anxiety. If this is an issue for you or someone you know, you can find a really useful self-help guide here: www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anxiety.asp

By 'youngish' fathers I just mean fathers of relatively young children - as opposed to fathers of our parents' generation for whom PL mightn't have been as normalised as it is today :)

Problem is Greenstone most fathers seem to have a very inaccurate memory of those early days - my ex swears blind that he was up every night, he did every bathtime, every breakfast before he went to work, he changed nappies and was always there for DD when she needed him, that he's a good, hands on father who more than pulled his weight. He did a bathtime, yes, once, I videod it as it was such a rarity. He did a breakfast once, when I was ill with pneumonia. And he did a nappy, once, when he left her on a table alone 3 foot off a concrete floor with nothing to stop her rolling off while he walked out of the room to get something he forgot as he was so unused to doing it. And he took her for a walk in the woods with his mother once, again we took photos as it was so rare. There are no photos of me doing these things as he, the videographer, was out with his whore, I later discovered, whilst I was being a real responsible hands on parent. The amount of fathers I know who claim to have been there and be hands on etc when I can see exactly what they're like is ridiculous. Speak to the mothers first, they'll tell you if they really were there.

Thanks Greenstone, I don't think you're being too frank at all. I think you're right in that he just doesn't really have a clue what it might be like and is doing what he thinks will be the best thing by supporting us financially.

I don't think it helps that his brother was very similar when he had his boys and he is the only really close person to DP to have had babies in recent years.

Maybe I'll point out the bonding issue - knowing him, it's probably not even occurred to him that this won't happen automatically!

Thanks everyone, I sort of knew I wasn't being too demanding but sometimes it's nice to get support from an outside source .

weeonion, that's a really interesting page. My sister has recently been diagnosed with an acute anxiety disorder, so it's really helpful info. From the response she's had at work and even, to a certain extent, at the GP practice, it's a really misunderstood issue.

I'm hoping this time will be a lot different, DP was in Afghanistan when DS was born, he didn't see him until he was 4 months old, I was pretty much a single parent but I quite enjoyed it. I was able to feed when/how I liked, I napped when he did and co-slept at night.

This time DP will be there and am worried I might want to take over and DP will feel pushed out, I'll need to take a step back and let him struggle manage on his own (with DS helping him of course!)

Not sure if you meant to address that to me or weeonion, Random?

My DH genuinely does as much for our DD as I do. If I had to go away for a while (and I will be going on this writing retreat in October at 36 weeks pregnant, eek!) I'd never worry about DD as he knows exactly how to look after her and keep her safe and feed her etc. Neither of us came programmed to know how to look after her, we both had to learn. The only thing DH couldn't do was breastfeed her but he could do everything else, and did, in fairness to him.

What I do think that fathers understand poorly is the sheer relentlessness and monotony and slow pace of life when you are at home with a small baby and they are out to work. The whole not getting dressed til midday thing - yep! And the struggle to achieve even putting on a load of washing. Often they think that you get to relax and sit about drinking tea. And yes, that happens, but it can feel extremely claustrophobic and mentally fatiguing. DH used to come home and say in a cheery voice 'so what have you two been up to all day then?' and I just felt the rage. 'Just about surviving' was the answer that got spat at him quite often .

Ours was a high maintenance baby though

Hi Twiglet, I don't think that it's plausible for him not to take time off, and I don't think it's fair on any of you.
It makes ME feel panicky just imagining it and I've spent years caring for newborns as a maternity nanny!
I realise the financial situation might be pressing, ours most certainly is and my DP initially said he wouldn't be taking paternity leave - in fact he still seems to think he won't be, but he has 12 days annual leave left, which obviously will be paid, so we won't be left starving!
However nearer the time I am also going to insist he takes one week of paternity pay.
If you have a Caesarian you will barely be able to climb stairs or get in and out of bed in the early days and frankly will be bloody exhausted regardless.
I think maybe he hasn't realised quite what a physical and emotional strain it will all be!
Perhaps he can go in everyday for an hour or two at the end of the day to smooth out any problems if he's really concerned and it's nearby but it's crazy (in my opinion - sorry!) for you to be discharged and home entirely alone, you'll need support and cups of tea and someone to hold the baby while you try and go to the loo!
Good luck! Maybe if he attends a midwife appointment you could ask in front of her how long she thinks you'll need someone home to help you out in an ideal world, I'm sure she'll say at least a week of full-time bonding and help!
Good luck - I think they sometimes just don't realise what they're in for!

twiglet - my dp keeps a blog. I remember he wrote some really excellent posts about his becoming a father, those early days and what it all meant to him. I wonder if he would be happy sharing that with your dp?? i can ask him if you like though he is v shy about such things really. he also got good support from the other fathers at the NCT and as part of our classes, a couple of new parents came in and spoke to us (their dc was about 3 months old). The dad was great and really helped the dads see what life was going to be like....

Every family and their circumstances are and will be different.

when i say rose tinted glasses - i meant that he doesnt recall toe curling pain with bf which if course i do

He was and still is a very full on dad. Apart from breastfeeding - there is nothing that i did that he didnt do. He arranged flexible working with his employer so he could be off every tuesday and wednesday so he had 2 days a week for just dad and daughter time - i think it really helped him and dd have a great relationship. of course - not every one is that lucky but i think real quality time together from the start is key.

I agree twig let, he should at least work part time... even that's not good enough imo... but he could just go check on things once a day and do some paper work at home?

is he going to expect you to carry on with all the chores while he's working, because you will need looking after, I can't imagine doing house work with a new baby!
What if you get awful mastitis or pnd? You'll need him!

Ok so I don't have to have the vaccine :) Now I'm a bit worried though as when I'm doing community nursing on my placement in around a months time I won't be able to avoid people :/

I'm quite impressed with my hospital, 16 week, 20 week scan and 28 week appointments all booked, had the letters today.

Is everyone else happy with their care? I really can't fault mine

study - yep. I have the dates and times for my 20 week, 30 week and 36 week scans. Not perfect but so far - I really cant complain. We were given excellent info on health promotion, breastfeeding etc at booking in and even had a dental nurse in waiting room who spoke to us individually about dental hygiene etc so in terms of health promotion - I think we have been pretty well served

I have my appt with homebirth midwife on friday - looking forward to that too!

Mine isn't great but not awful...

I haven't had any letters or even emails for anything. My 16 week is booked but no letter and my 20 week scan was booked when I was at my scan but I've got no letter for that.
I rang up to book my 12 week scan and they didn't tell me to bring my notes and didn't send me a letter so I didn't know to take them, it wasn't a massive issue but they were a bit snappy about it which I thought was unfair when no one had said to take them!

so far it's been ok, letter confirming booking in, 12w scan, 20w scan. booked 16w appointment and ive already had letters for consultant appointment and glucose testing.

Will let you know how my midwife appointment goes tomorrow afternoon