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Birth clubs

Connect with mums-to-be with similar due dates to share experiences and support.

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Original poster

November 2014- thread 4- 12 week scans and blooming in the second trimester!

999 replies

barmybunting · 27/04/2014 12:04

Hi everyone, we have run out of posts on our last thread so hopefully we'll all find this one easily enough.

Here is to more positive 12 week scans and enjoying our second trimesters, all feeling more human hopefully!

OP posts:

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PosyFossilsShoes · 11/05/2014 19:14

Venus how useful is your mum? Would she be 'a guest' or would she be making sure you & DH have time to yourselves while she cooks meals and supplies endless tea? I know when my mum had my DB, her MIL got vetoed for 'guestiness' while her own DM came round and basically ran the household for a couple of weeks so that she could enjoy the new baby without having to worry about housework, existing children or cooking meals!

There are all sorts of variables (age, (dis)abilities, how frequently you see each other, closeness, how well she gets on with your DH etc) so no criticism of your mum intended if she would be more of a guest. If so, is there a nearby holiday inn or similar that she could stay in and just drop round?

alita7 · 11/05/2014 20:08

Venus do YOU want her there?

I'm having my mum at the birth because I don't know who I'll want if I'm struggling, her or dp (he's not very good at empathy!), so both was an easy compromise, plus she wants to be there. But my mum doesn't live on the other side of the world, so she won't be staying over at mine.

Things I would consider are:

she would have to come for at least 5 weeks to make sure she'd make the birth and be able to spend some time with the baby after - is that feasible?
is she someone you'd want with you, what does your dp think?
will she be really helpful and do the washing up or will she act like a vip guest?
Do you want some private time with dp and the baby for a few days after the birth?
If you're the one who moved to the UK from Australia are you the only people she knows over hear, if not she could visit various friends to break up the visit a bit, if she doesn't know anyone would she be at yours 24/7 aside from perhaps shopping trips and trips out with you or does she have hobbies like walking, swimming or even going to church that would get her out of the house regularly, otherwise you might go a bit mad...
how important is it to her, if not could she book a two week trip from say 10 days after your due date (latest you'd have baby)?

weeonion · 11/05/2014 20:22

evening all - hope you have had a good weekend - with tiredness ans nauseousness aside

venus - we decided that we were babymooning with dd - no visitors at all for the first 2 weeks to give us time to be togther. Quite a few people thought we were freakish for this but i didnt know how i was going to feel and how it woudl be. When it came to it - i really wished i had my mum around. She lives over in ireland so it required a bit if planning to have her here and she couldnt just pop round. I think alita gives good advice above.
when mum did come over after 3 weeks - she was great - not like a guest at all. she cooked and cleaned but by that stage i had major cabin fever and needed to be out and about so it was lovely to be able to do that with her. The ony thing was that bf was not going to well and when we were in the flat, i tended to be away trying to feed formost of teh time.

i guess it boils down to how close you and your mum, how relaxed you and dp are wih her and will she muck in or want to sit and hold your baby whilst you rush around. I remember being narked at some people ( ahem MIL) who visited and just wanted to "give m a break from the baby" which boiled down to her sitting holding dd whilst i caught up on washing, cleaning etc. Not what i wanted at all - plus when she got hold of dd - she didnt want to give her back (and she complained lots that i was bf DD as she couldnt then give her a bottle).

its all decisions and none of us knows really how it will be and how we will feel / be post labour and birth.

this time round - my mum cant come for too long ( she will be just back from a family trip to america and has no annual leave left - )

Original poster

barmybunting · 11/05/2014 20:23

Venus, how do you and DH feel about having her there? How will you both cope with her staying for a few weeks over your due date?

Personally, my Mom and I would argue if we spent too much time with her staying with us, partially because she is fairly opinionated and DH struggles with that. However, we know we want both sets of parents close by in the weeks following the birth if possible (my patents live in Scotland and DH's in Ireland so we need to plan their trip before hand). We have booked a family house we have access to through DH's job (we live on an RAF base) for two weeks, starting a week after my due date. The plan is for whoever to stay with us before that if necessary, then they can all disappear to stay at the house which is nearby but gives us a bit if space. Is there anywhere your Mom could stay for a bit to give you a break for just you, baby and DG but she is close by?

OP posts:

Venus2 · 11/05/2014 20:36

If she wasn't staying with us, I would say sure, come out but she will definitely stay with us and would probably stay for a few weeks as she is coming so far. She would be very helpful and an easy guest to have but I don't want to be in a position where she takes control in our house. I'm sure that I will have plenty of questions but don't want to be told how to do it. It's tricky. I don't know how the dynamic would work as I haven't done this before but I know that she would be a bit upset if she wasn't here for the birth. Surely she can't be upset if we say that she can stay with us for a few weeks 2 or 3 weeks after the baby is born and we have a bit of our own routine.

Petal26 · 11/05/2014 22:00

Evening all!

My mum lives 150 miles away so didn't have her around during the first few weeks last time. Might do this time as she won't be working and it does upset her that we don't live closer to each other. I know she'd like to be involved and would be helpful rather than simply a guest. She does like to give constant advice so I'm not sure I would have liked her around last time as I wanted to make my own decisions but I suppose it depends on your relationship.

Been quite tired as well today, DH took DD to soft play so got a rare 1.5 hour nap this afternoon, lovely!

DH got my box of maternity clothes down from the attic today, feels like I've been shopping! Forgot what I had, definitely need to start wearing the skirts/trousers this week.

utopian99 · 11/05/2014 22:03

My mother and I are very close and my pil are great and yet we still asked for a leave of absence from both sets for the first couple of weeks, while dh was on paternity. NNeither set seemed at all put out despite it being first grandchild, but the help after that time when my mother came to stay was then very appreciated.
Would she be upset by being asked to wait a bit? The difficulty is no one can predict when the baby will ACTUALLY be born..

Tigsy · 11/05/2014 22:23

Venus it's a tricky one but I'd definitely say no I think. Like you, I'm very keen for it to be just hubby and I for the first few weeks so we can spend some time on our own with the baby and try and sdjust to things. I think having my Mum there would just stress me out. Is there no way you could compromise and find her someone nearby she can stay, so that she can be nearby but not be living with you?

Tigsy · 11/05/2014 22:32

Those of you who have had christenings/naming ceremonies for children, how old were they? I know you can get them done at any age, but just wondered at what age you did them....

weeonion · 11/05/2014 22:53

Tigsy - we did a naming ceremony for DDs 1st birthday!

MummyV18 · 11/05/2014 23:10

My little boy was 3 or 4 months old I think when we got him christened

WinterLover · 12/05/2014 05:22

tigsy DS was christened on his first birthday too

utopian99 · 12/05/2014 06:41

We did ds' s naming at 9 months.

Polkadotscarf · 12/05/2014 07:45

Is it 'done' to take time off for morning sicknesses? I am being sick three/four times at least a day and have kept no food down since Thursday night. Have a lesson observation this morning so have to go into school but don't know how I'm going to keep this up for the rest of the week. Just feel tired and dehydrated and very sorry for myself!
Any advice great fully received! :-)

Miskate · 12/05/2014 07:49

Polka, that sounds awful, I can't believe you're still suffering this badly. Have you spoken to the doctor? I would go to the gp and be signed off, you can't work and be sick 3-4 times a day. If you had stomach flu and hadn't kept anything down for 4 days then you wouldn't be expected to work x

Greenstone · 12/05/2014 08:50

Polka that's basically hyperemesis, no? Don't see how you can work through that, it's crazy. You must be so weak. You are ill.

Greenstone · 12/05/2014 08:50

Yes go to GP,please!

bunnykitten · 12/05/2014 09:22

Polka, definitely go to your doctor, they may be able to give you anti-nausea medication.

weeonion · 12/05/2014 10:07

Polka - get thee to a GP!!

StudyFullTime · 12/05/2014 10:10

I dragged my sorry backside to the gp and she gave me an anti sickness jab and tablets to take once the jab had worn off.

I had to take 3 days off work, I couldn't move, eat or anything. Give your surgery a ring.

alita7 · 12/05/2014 10:36

polka you can't work like that! I Agree, go to the gp!!!!

alita7 · 12/05/2014 10:52

also having a very heavy feeling down where baby is, particularly when walking!

MrsWombat · 12/05/2014 11:44

Polka definitely go and see a GP. Do you have a walk in centre you can go to after work?

TwigletFiend · 12/05/2014 12:11

Wow, a lot to catch up on!

Venus, are you and your mum close enough to have a frank discussion about boundaries without offense being taken on either side? If so, I would perhaps explain that you aren't sure how you will feel after the birth and will probably just want to be quiet with the baby for a few days; if she can agree to make herself as unobtrusive as possible, hopefully that might ease some of your concerns? However, the bottom line is that it is your baby, so you can do whatever you feel is right. If you decide you don't want to have anyone around for a week or so afterwards, they will just have to suck it up. After all, nobody would think of imposing on you after major surgery or an illness, and you're likely to feel in a similar state to that for a few days post birth!

Polka, you poor woman Definitely get to the doctor, plenty of safe and well-tested medications they can give you to help ease the nausea. You're right, you won't be working anywhere near at peak efficiency feeling as you are now. Hope you feel better soon

Speaking of paternity leave, my DP has announced that he isn't planning on taking any. I am now freaking out slightly that I may not only be in an unfamiliar house (still no word on whether we've secured the finance to move yet, argh!) but will also be on my own! DP's parents live quite close by but I'm certainly not comfortable enough with them to ask for help with things like bf'ing or -shudder- getting dressed/undressed. I'm sure my mother will come over to help as it's a shortish journey for her (about 30 minutes) but she has her own life too and can't be there all the time. Is anyone else in this situation?!

weeonion · 12/05/2014 12:24

twiglet - is paternity leave not an option for your dp??? would there be a problem getting it?
dp is planning on taking paternity leave but he isnt with the same employer as last time ( now NHS). he may not get all that he wants but is trying to save up some annual leave to help out. I dont have any family close by and would NOT want any of dps family to help out (as unlikely as that is....)
tis daunting - especially the thought of managing in a top floor flat after a c-section!!
Maybe all of you that have 2 already and are now going for 3 could advise as to how the heck you get everything done with newborn and the needs of an older child?? I try to keep a sharp morning routine to get DD to school in good time but remember from last time - if you missed a "window of opportunity" to get out of the house - it could be another 20 minutes to catch up.....

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