Feeling slightly shamefaced.
I got as far as speaking to dh on the phone. After being told how everything was my fault, I made him depressed, i made him hurt me, I embaressed him by leaving, how he was very angry with me, but would accept me and dh and the unborn child back if I apologised for making him so upset. It went on and on, Im sure you can all fill in the gaps. I went from miserable to outraged and told him to f-off. Reality check complete....
I married a sweet, kind, strong man. He is no longer the same person.
I spoke to grandpa, explained the situation, and that I was not prepared to return, but that he was more than welcome to visit his grandchildren here.
I will not being returning, I am going straight to a solicitor on monday and get some advice. This may be difficult here, I go over there, I will (as whiffy said) never get my children out again, I will be hurt again, and next time I have no options left. The embassy wont help us out again, that is if I make it out alive, let alone with the children.
He threatened his daughter and tried to hit her - I stood in the way, but seeing your own child terrified and cowering is not something I ever want to have to put her or me through again, he beat me up when he knew I was pregnant with his unborn child. If some people dont like me being back here with my half Japanese babies, then they can take a running jump. I have to protect my children, the UK is the only other place we have any right to be. For now, and for the near future this is where we will have to stay. The nasty people can look down on me, but Ill hold onto the vestiges of my self respect and get on with my main job - protecting my children, both of them.
Even without dh being threatening, unless my relationship was strong and supportive, Japan as a foreign woman with a family is impossible, destructive, unpleasant, damaging. It isnt just me who is the gaijin (outsider, foreigner, used somewhat as a racial perjorative), my children are too. I know even at a young age, my daughter was a social outcast, despite being a native Japanese speaker, a curisoity. We were stared at and pointed at in the street. Total strangers would accost us in supermarkets and ask to take our photos...beoieve me, when you are trying to buy some fish and a few veggies, it is not nice at all..She was already aware of being stared at, excluded, treated differently from her cousins.
I dont feel strong right now. I feel vulnerable and weak. But noone is beating me senseless, spitting in my face, or telling me they will kill me and the children. Im ashamed I ended up in this situation. Ashamed I left it so long before I left. It took my believing his threats to kill me, dd and then himself, and being half blinded, having my face smashed to pieces, before I ran and left. He attacked me with my daughter hiding behind me. I suppose I try not to think about what happened, and when I forget about it, I forget that however awful things are now, they were much much worse before.
The Uk is so different. I dont fit in here either. I feel like I left and became a foreigner to my home country - like an expat whereever I go now. Perhaps in the future when finacnes are sorted i should emmigrate to a third country, go to australia or Cananda where there is a large far east asain population and start again. For now, I do think moving house to somewhere less awful would make a difference.
Im more ashamed I thought going back was a better option than braving out the verbal attacks. Bit pathetic, eh.
I feel really embarressed, but thanks for making me think twice.
Ill get myself to a solicitor before I get too scared again.
Sorry everyone....
saka