Morning
10 weeks and 1 day today and the baby is the size of a prune apparrently.
Have been awake since 5am when I had to go wee, so I'm a little on the tired side. I also had a few bad dreams:
First dream DS1 came home from nursery on his own, waved to me out the window and I wouldn't let him in, instead I told him to go back to nursery. Then later on when I was due to collect DS1 and DS2 from nursery, the nursery phoned up and said something about them and DS2 being okay, but nothing about DS1 and basically it turned out that DS1 had gone missing. He was never found.
Can't remember the other dreams, but at least 1 had to do with decorating the playroom. Hang on, it's coming back to me now, slates in the playroom piled on the floor, then hearing something, but not seeing it - thought it may be a mouse, then massive birds coming towards me which turn into elephants.
I must look pregnant:
On Sunday we went to B&Q and whilst looking for paint, one of the staff members said something to me about DS1 and DS2 and I told her I was pregnant with another to which she replied "I thought you were".
Then, yesterday (Monday for anyone else who's a bit on the tired side) we went to ASDA - I feel I must point out at this point that we are not a family who normally shops at ASDA due to the amount of scum that shop there and block the isles. Anyway, whilst in ASDA we were at the checkout paying when a famale member of staff came up to me and handed me a bag full of stuff. For some reason I didn't question this until in the car, and when I looked in the bag, it was a Tommy's book on pregnancy, bottle of folic acid, ASDA own wipes and nappies and vouchers. We know no one in ASDA and didn't talk about the pregnancy whilst in there, so how she knew was beyond me.
Either I clearly look pregnant, which DH denies or people know what maternity jeans look like (the elasticated band was hidden).
DH thought it was hillarious that I was so happy because two people could tell I was pregnant.
Looking through my diary last night and it seems the next month is packed full of appointments and places to go. This weekend sees the return of The Liverpool Food and Drink Festival - this is just soooooooooooooooooooo me. 2 days of food, drink and music and all the goodies you can fit into your goody bag and I do love my goody bags/freebies. Next week we have Mrs Perfect's son's birthday party, shes hiring a face painter and getting the children to decorate cakes - well, she fucking would wouldn't she being so fucking perfect.
I am the opposite in every way to her. She loses weight, I gain it. She knows how to dress and always looks good, I don't. She has the perfect marriage and perfect kids, I don't. She has a nice house, I don't. She's REALLY fucking confident, I am so not. Unfortunately, she lives across the road from us, so I am reminded on a daily basis that I am a failure in every aspect of my life and really there is no point to being here.
Last but not least, just one more thing I want to get off my chest (natural 32H for those still talking about bras):
I work as a secretary for 2 nurses, 1 female and 1 male and we all share an office. I was told the other day by the male nurse that he had split up with his girlfriend back in April, and that he now had a new girlfriend who he'd beeing seeing for about 2 months. He told the female nurse in April and asked her not to tell me. Then he told me that he'd also told someone who was working for us at the time and who I am still in contact with and also told her not to tell me. Most of the nursing staff at the hospital also knew. Then he told me that I'd me his girlfiend already as he wanted her to come to the office so he could make a big fuss over her and kiss and cuddle her in front of me so they could see my reaction.
I feel angry and hurt that I was the one person left out of all this. He has every right to a personal life and to keep things to himself, but when he's telling everyone else and telling them not to tell me that doesn't seem right. I feel like I can't trust either nurse now and feel like they all have a good laugh at me behind my back. Oh I don't know, I don't know what I'm trying to say or how I feel about it all, but the whole thing leaves a nasty taste in my mouth and I don't feel I can trust them anyone, I don't think I'm seeing them for the people they really are. I feel like they're playing some sort of game with me and I've not realised until now. As I say, the whole thing leaves a nasty taste in my mouth. I shouldn't let myself get so bothered about it.
I'm going to get breakfast, I feel really down and a complete failure, something which is not being helped by unruly children and a house that is a mess.