DH doesn't want to be at birth

[chocolatehobnobs]

Hi everyone,
My DH is really adamant that he doesn't want to be at the birth. He is really squeamish and has hangups generally about childbirth and pregnancy. Has anyone else had this problem and how have you dealt with it?
For a bit of background, he is a great husband and very affectionate. He was initially quite worried about the news that we are expecting (queue midlife crisis) despite being 36 and actively TTC for 6 months. He can't stand people breastfeeding in public, and once left the breakfast table at the sight of my sister discretely feeding a baby, and cannot bear to talk about childbirth. Apparantly his friend's wife had an awful birth and recounted in all to him in detail. the friend says that being at the birth scarred him for life. He doesn't want to hear about my symptoms (sickness etc) but doesn't want me to tell any friends and family our news (9 weeks) as he doesn't want people to talk about babies and childbirth. I'm sad to hear he doesn't want to come to the first scan. He also doesn't want to come to any antenatal classes. He has told me that he is frightened first that I am going to become fat, frumpsy, unsexy and that he would not be able to cope seeing me in pain.
I've said that I will not try to change his mind because I can see how frightened he is but it does not seem fair that i should not have a supportive partner in this joint enterprise.

Firstly very sorry to hear you're going through this.

He sounds like he needs a massive kick up the arse!

It is understandable to have concerns about seeing you in pain, being scared of labour (who isn't?) and childbirth.

But it is completely not cool to:

• refuse to come to antenatal classes
• insult you by saying you're going to get fat/frumpy/unsexy
• hate seeing breastfeeding in public
• refusing to come to scan

Is he not excited about becoming a father? You haven't said anything positive in terms of your pregnancy and your DP and that makes me sad. You say you don't want to try and change his mind but I will be blunt and say I don't think that's a good idea - you are in this together and he needs to get past this.

He may benefit from meeting other dads to be at antenatal or parentcraft classes, so maybe sell them to him that way. And he definitely needs to talk to other friends, not someone who is feeding his insecurities and fears (and sounds like he may be a bit like your DP anyhow) Are there any of your friends' DPs who might be a better person to talk to?

I'm sorry, but he really needs to get over himself. He is being very childish and selfish about the whole thing. I'm probably not being very helpful but can only echo ^.
Tell him to grow a pair and man up. He's going to be a dad soon ffs!

He sounds abusive TBH.

Do you really think good husbands are so selfish?

Your pregnant and his concerns are that you will become fat and unattractive and to him and the he will struggle with seeing you in pain?

So he's OK with you being in pain as long as he doesn't have to witness it?

And he is rude to your sister for daring to breastfeed in his presence?

So how is he going to be with you?

He's not letting you get support during the early days of your pregnancy because HE doesn't want to hear people talking about pregnancy?

You are letting him isolate you by agreeing to this.

Really your whole post is a line of tiny little fluttering red flags.

No amount of fear of babies explains why he is so nasty and selfish about your pregnancy.

This is really serious. You need to get whatever the fuck is eating him sorted WELL before this baby arrives. He needs to go to counselling.

And if he doesn't get over himself you need to think about doing this alone.

I would maybe hang fire on the whole "being there at the birth" aspect of this, and focus first on getting him to recognise the need to be a supportive partner during the pregnancy. You're both in this together - and he'd better start acting like it!

The scan isn't anything to be squeamish about, nor are antenatal classes, nor is breastfeeding or general discussion of the fact you're going to have a baby. He needs to get over himself and deal with those things.

If he's really squeamish, and would be totally useless during the birth, you could consider whether there's someone else (instead or as well) who could be your birth partner - maybe your sister? as even if he promises to be there, he might be as much use as a chocolate fireguard when it gets right down to it.

Thanks for your messages. He's not that bad Spidookly, he's the guy who brings me tea in the morning and gets up to deice my car in winter. I have just about come to terms with him not coming to the birth I think he would be fing useless! I think he is genuinely very frightened. He has found talking to other prospective dads socially useful but doesn't want to do antenatal or talk about birth. He reckons he is being honest telling me about his fears that I'll be fat and unsexy but I don't know of many guys that say this to their pregnant wives. He is a stubborn bugger and I'm worried that if I push it he'll just dig heels in. He is pleased about baby some of the time (talks names and how happy our families will be) just doesn't want to hear any moaning!

Honest

ffs

yes, what a wonderful favour he's doing you by being unkind.

If not having to make your own tea makes up for that, then have at it

he really sounds like a complete cock. Do your friends like him?

He brings you tea and de-ices your car... Great, he can cope with minor jobs that don't require him to look at female flesh, of which he seems to have such a horror that I'm amazed he managed to impregnate you in the first place!!

Dad of 10 week old baby here to give your DH a kick up the @rse. Tell him from me.... stop being a little girl and man up to your responsibilities. You're about to be responsible for another person and your behaviour so far isn't filling anyone with confidence about your abilities as a dad. I'm very squeamish and hate hospitals but I knew how important it was to be at the birth. I just made sure I was at the head end

Yikes. He sounds very childish.
My DH and I have had our problems. He wasn't happy about my last pregnancy, he didn't come to any scans, didn't come to the birth - it was all rather horrid. We are OK now (DS2 is 2) but our marriage was in crisis during my pregnancy and for a good while afterwards. I imagine if we didn't have DS1 and very many years of marriage behind us I don't think we would still be together today.

What I am saying is that the way your DH is behaving is very worrying. To say he's worried about your getting fat and unsexy is a really mean thing to say. To be honest is one thing, to not do anything about it is selfish. To have such pig ignorant views about BF is awful.

I knew that my DH was already a great father so I had something to hold on to and to hope for. What does your future hold? Will he be frightened of changing nappies, crying babies, chicken pox? What if you have a traumatic birth and spend weeks recovering? Heck, what if you have PND? Will he be there for you?
Oh and my DH still made me tea every day.

Why did you agree that you will not try and change his mind? Do all his emotional needs trump yours? Are you not a bit frightened too? Sorry to say this, but he is not risking his life. The risk is very very small, but there are risks in childbirth. Does he really want you to face this alone?

The trouble with your pregnancy is somehow it all seems to be about him.

You need to sit down with him and work out a way to go forward which is about him as team member, not star of the show.

Age is no excuse. My DP was wonderfully supportive at 36 and then again at 41.

Well, I don't feel very positive about this pregnancy or marriage after reading all your thoughts. Mellicauli, I think you're right - it is about his attitude that his needs have to trump mine. The problem is that when I insist we do something my way e.g. shopping he is moody and spoils my enjoyment. If I insist that he comes to antenatal and he is difficult it will spoil my fun meeting new friends etc .And I'd rather have a supportive girl friend there.at birth than a chocolate teapot husband. I only want him to come if he can be pleased to do it. Thanks no cake for your perspective I think a good kick up the arse is due and perhaps I'll ask one of his friends to talk to him . I like your plan Mumin Scotland and will tackle scan and antenatal first

"The problem is that when I insist we do something my way e.g. shopping he is moody and spoils my enjoyment."

How can you live like that?

You either live your life according to his diktat or else he sulks and makes your life miserable?

That is controlling, abusive behaviour.

I'm quite concerned that you're about to have a child with a man who treats you like this.

Do not let this spoil your enjoyment of the early days of your pregnancy. This is a wanted baby, and when it arrives you will realise how much more important it us than any other human being in the world. Focus on doing what's right for you and your baby, and if he then ends up on the margins of his family, tough shit. He can either join in or get left behind, but make sure he realises that he is no longer number one and may find himself surplus to requirements if he does not bring anything to the party. Am really for you!

Oh, and massive congratulations! Join up to all sorts of things, ante natal thread on here, Nct etc etc and you will have lots of support and can start to get excited!! Good luck

What a big baby! Concentrate on yourself and the baby- its not all about him!

I understand that your DH is scared of childbirth and worried about seeing you in pain - TBH that is a long way off for you both at the moment and he has plenty of time to get used to the idea and decide how much involvement he can handle. Give him a book like 'So you're going to be a Dad' which will very gently lead him through the whole process.

But the whole fat/unsexy stuff is pure gitishness and he needs to get over it sharpish. He should be worshipping you and your amazing new body - not standing on the sidelines going 'ewwwww'.

I find it hard to put into words how selfish your DH sounds and I wonder how controlling he is in all areas of your life if he can actually make you believe his behaviour is even a little bit normal or acceptable. It is not.

He is happy to create this baby and washes his hands at any further involvement. So you're lying in bed one night and your waters go. What's he going to do fuck of out and leave you alone? You go for a scan and see your precious baby sucking his thumb and you can't share your joy at this with him? You put on 2 stone and he finds your little miracle unsexy. Sorry but he sounds like a total twat.

I agree with spidookly.

He sounds awful. The way you describe him he sounds like he thinks you are a bit of a non person and if he makes a few cups of tea he is allowed to have everything else on his terms. He spoils your enjoyment, he doesn't care about you being unsupported at your most vulnerable time, he is rude to your sister and presumably will be rude to you when you feed your baby, he won't allow you to talk about the biggest change you body will ever undergo, he thinks your priority should be staying sexy for him.

My DH wasn't there for one of my births because he was at work. It was totally fine as I had a MW. I would not have been fine if I hadn't been allowed to tell him if I felt a bit sick or uncomfortable or I was worried about something or if I had to sit in a cupboard to feed my baby or if I had to go to a scan alone, when frankly you can hear devastating news, because he didn't give a shit about my feelings. It is not normal to have so little regard for your spouse.

Not only is he being unsupportive but he is blocking you from getting support from other people in case someone talks about babies! I am on your behalf. Not being at the birth is almost a non issue compared to all the other crap you will have to put up with.

Chocolate... I feel for you, I really do. I hope you can find the strength to be strong and tell him straight that how he is acting is not acceptable if this is to work. You can acknowledge the reasonable fears (pain, childbirth etc) but don't accept the unreasonable stuff as pointed out here.

How on earth can shopping be having something "your way"?

If friends don't work, is there anyone in his family who would give him a stern talking to? His mum, a sister? Someone who can go the extra mile in telling him he's being childish and actually quite cruel?

The other posters here are quite right, this is just the start - what will it be like after the birth? You deserve so much better. I think you need to have a plan as to how to deal with this if he refuses to budge, even after heart to heart chats etc.

He sounds as though he has some very serious issues! I would suggest he gets help for them as it's not normal.

I have no idea how you are going to cope with someone like that. You have so much to go through and he doesn't even want to hear it discussed in theory from other people?! You can't even say you feel sick!? He doesn't want to hear any moaning?! (There'll be plenty of that) And he won't accept you as you are as your body changes!?

Generally how are you going to live your life with someone who can't handle any sort of illness, change or change in your body (that will change so much when you have a baby and as you get older). I don't see how this relationship can last.

My DH said originally that he wouldn't be at the birth (he faints when he sees blood) and I told him if he wasn't there then he could have his stuff and himself out of the house by the time me and baby got home . . . turned out he was joking!

I agree with the other posters, your H is being an utter twat. I had a little sympathy about the squeamishness (DH had the same problem - however he got over it by watching lots of childbirth videos and he was brilliant at the birth of our DS).
But not wanting to go to your scans? Or worrying about you looking fat and unsexy? And worst of all IMO is his attitude to breastfeeding.
Are you yourself planning on bfing? Because you will find it difficult with his stupid, selfish attitude. You are going to be super vulnerable once the baby is born as your hormones will be all over the place and you will need loads and loads of support which I honestly don't think you H can give you if he doesn't sort his attitude out.
By all means get someone else to be with you at the birth - you need someone you can count on to support you. But he had better man up later in your pregnancy and when the baby comes otherwise it is going to make life hell for you.

Oh and his friend sounds like a twat. DH's ex boss nearly bled out on the operating table when the surgeon nicked her uterine artery during an emcs. He was left holding the baby, petrified his wife was going to die, watching them resusucitate her. Happily she pulled through. They went on to have baby number 2 and he had no problems being with her despite the terrifying experience he had the first time around.

I'm sorry this sounds really harsh but you should be so excited about the arrival of your dc and your H seems to be doing his best to spoil what should be a happy time for you.

kinda sounds like my Bf.
we talked about having children and when we got to the bottom of his worries, it turned out he was afraid of being a dad.

i asked carefully about his family (which he's talked about 3 times in 5 years) and his dad is a very very bad dad. He doesn't know how to be a good dad.

Plus he didn't want to share me as i've been the stable rock, and afraid of losing me. so i've put his mind at rest, and to get him to see that getting pg is a new start.

lw

Oh OP, so sorry but I'm afraid I agree also with the other posters here. I don't think him not wanting to be at the birth is that terrible, plenty of woman have someone else as a birth partner, but he sounds so unsuppotive of you, and not exactly overjoyed at your pregnancy. Saying he is worried that you'll get fat? What the hell is that all about? Not wanting to tell anyone? What about your friends and family? What about what you want? When the baby comes, is he going to become sulky if he is not number one? OP I just feel so sad for you, this is such a special time in your life and I fear your dh may spoil it making it all about him and his desires? I think you need a very frank conversation with him and make it clear that this is not all about him.

Congratulations though on your pregnancy

Well feel a bit better now, this is a wanted baby and I am happy about it. I am planning to Bf and have told him in the past that he needs to get over this issue. I am actually not a doormat, hold down a difficult job etc and in the past have read the riot act and stood my ground. Think one of these chats is due! I also told him after his comments about being worried that I'll be fat and mumsy that I will put on 3 stone and he needs to be supportive (he hasn't mentioned this again. I'm fired up for a bit of a fight I think about a few things!

Crikey he sounds like a bit of a twat actually - I can sort of understand the not being at the birth thing - i wouldn't like it but it can be very frightening. But he has issues and he needs to et the fuck over it - how come his needs are more important than yours??????????????????????????

The fat and mumsy bit too - sorry but he just seems like an asshole

poor you!