DH doesn't want to be at birth

[chocolatehobnobs]

Hi everyone,
My DH is really adamant that he doesn't want to be at the birth. He is really squeamish and has hangups generally about childbirth and pregnancy. Has anyone else had this problem and how have you dealt with it?
For a bit of background, he is a great husband and very affectionate. He was initially quite worried about the news that we are expecting (queue midlife crisis) despite being 36 and actively TTC for 6 months. He can't stand people breastfeeding in public, and once left the breakfast table at the sight of my sister discretely feeding a baby, and cannot bear to talk about childbirth. Apparantly his friend's wife had an awful birth and recounted in all to him in detail. the friend says that being at the birth scarred him for life. He doesn't want to hear about my symptoms (sickness etc) but doesn't want me to tell any friends and family our news (9 weeks) as he doesn't want people to talk about babies and childbirth. I'm sad to hear he doesn't want to come to the first scan. He also doesn't want to come to any antenatal classes. He has told me that he is frightened first that I am going to become fat, frumpsy, unsexy and that he would not be able to cope seeing me in pain.
I've said that I will not try to change his mind because I can see how frightened he is but it does not seem fair that i should not have a supportive partner in this joint enterprise.

What are your DH's views on doing nappy changes, coping with baby sick, sleepless nights etc? Pregnancy and birth is just the start of the marathon. In your shoes I would be really worried about whether I would also be taking on all childcare duties as well, with no support.

Based on your op tbh I would be questioning how much of a future you and your child can have with a waste of space like this.

Who wanted the baby? Did he ever express a positive wish ttc or simply agreed with you?

Insulting you is not on, refusing to talk about the pregnancy is not on, making you feel uncomfortable about breastfeeding is not on. By all means talk to him but remember you are going to be a mother and you need to put your child's welfare first. That may not be best served by a controlling and/or damaged father. Something is going on here - maybe how he was parented, maybe what he thinks about your relationship - maybe a third party is involved? Something is really wrong with this scenario. Proceed with caution.

Sounds just like my ExH. He didn't come to any antenatal classes although he came to a couple of scans. He was there for the birth but just so that he could make sure HE was the first one to hold the baby! When I was pregnant with our first I put on a load of weight and had to remove my wedding ring as it was too tight (was only 18 when got married and a really skinny little thing - was 31 when had DC1 and had "filled out a bit" anyway) I asked him if he would get me a new wedding ring (just a cheap one) because I felt I was getting a lot of pitying stares at the classes as I wasn't wearing one and never had a partner turn up, yet talked about "my husband". His reaction was, "Why can't you just pop into a jewellers yourself and pick one up and I'll give you the money! I was 7 months pregnant at this time! . In the end, I practically frogmarched him there, causing a massive argument.

He was, however, great at de-icing the car. checking oil and tyres etc before I embarked on a long journey and I did, from time to time, get a cup of tea in bed. It's not enough though is it? For them to do what they want to do for you and ignore what you need them to support you with?

Chocolatehobnobs (great name btw!) - good luck with your talk with DH.
Perhaps you should consider showing him this thread?

And good luck with the pregancy as well!

Thanks everyone. I have been really cross since getting this off my chest. Gave him a piece of my mind yesterday
. BTW this baby was jointly wanted and planned although we were both nervous about life changing. He has a very normal loving family and a practical retired nurse mum so not their fault! Defo no third party involved Northern Lurker.

After I gave him both barrels (triggered by him not wanting to come to 12 week scan) I heard him out, amazingly he said he felt that I seemed to feel that this is all about me and my feelings!!! Well that unleashed hell, I told him that yes this is mainly happening to me and he needs to be a lot more interested and loving and supporting as I did not make this baby alone. Told him how completely selfish and hurtful his comments about being worried that I would be fat and unsexy were and totally out of order.

Think he got the gist that I am really cross and upset. He gave me a big hug said sorry and that of course he would come to scan. Also he says he is really pleased about baby but stressed about other things work etc which do sound hideous. He has also been asking questions about the baby's development, how big it is etc and gave my tummy a kiss this morning. The tide may have turned.

Ahh, that's good news chocolatehobnobs :) even when you've been ttc for a while it can be a bit of a shock to find out that it's happened! I'm 39 weeks pregnant with my very much wanted baby but still had all sorts of panics in the early days when there's so much going on.

Some of his attitudes (like to breastfeeding) sound like they come from ignorance/immaturity - Hopefully your pregnancy can be a journey for him too where he can grow up a bit and learn that these things aren't weird or gross! Pleased to hear he's coming to the 12 week scan.. Congratulations on your pregnancy! :)

he really needs to man up, ahh squeemish? he wasn't squeemish at conception was he? as for him not wanting to be there, his loss, its a beautiful moment and he will regret it, etheir that or book a birthing pool for you lounge room and tell him to get his shorts on

agree with a lot of what has been said here. however, i dont think that a fathers presence in the labour room is mandatory. yes, its good if he is there, and wants to be there. but, if he cant be there, coz for example he is looking after another dc, or, god forbid, even working, then thats fine too. I think to force him to be there is wrong.

Um, initially before I read the whole post I was a bit sympathetic as my husband is lovely but not great at the being a father/childbirth thing but frankly your DH sounds like an arse. I understand that he doesn't want to be at the birth but he sounds like he has loads of issues which will totally undermine you as time goes on. He needs to grow up. He is going to be a dad, things will never be the same again, you BOTH will grow old and perhaps become fat and frumpy. He needs proper help!!!!

A further update. We saw some friends who are also expecting at the weekend. DH had a man to man chat with his friend who said he was also not keen to be at birth but was going to be as he felt it was vital to support his wife. I think they had quite a long chat which was really helpful and DH's mate was able to provide some info from antenatal classes from a guy's perspective. DH has said that he will come to scans, antenatal and to the labour but will leave the room when unable to cope with seeing me in pain (probably just before the actual pushing stage). This all sounds reasonable to me. Also being much more sympathetic and realised he was being an arse. Cheers for making me angry enough to sort this out!

Well done! I hope that he continues to be more reasonable from now on. There's a chance that once he's been with you through most of labour he will change his mind about leaving the room near the end. Very pleased to hear he is coming to scan. Can't understand why in the world anyone would want to miss that. Also it is very nerve wracking for you until the moment you get good news.

Hi Chocolate.
I'm glad that he is being a bit more open minded now.
I recently came across this poem, Opposite Man by Holly McNish. Perhaps you could show it to your DH to let him know how much you would respect and appreciate it if he could be with you during childbirth. A lot of stuff about men in the labour room seems to expect them to be a bit useless - this poem shows how important they can actually be.