Don’t want my Dads partner to be Nan.

[Claree11]

Hi everyone. Bit of a long complicated one but really want other peoples thoughts and advice please 🙏

found out I am pregnant but I don’t want my dads partner to be called nan and I know when I announce it she will say “I’m going to be a nan” straight away as she already once said to me if I ever have kids she’s going to be a nan and I instantly thought no…

my partners mom and dad have remarried and my mom and dad are both with people and have been for 15+ years. My mom’s partner is more like a step dad to me and he has no children of his own so will never have the opportunity to be a grandad so I would like him to be grandad .

my dads partner I don’t really class as a step mom (there not married) they’ve been together 17 years and have an 11 year old child. I know she will have the opportunity to be a Nan one day but I just don’t want her to be a Nan to my child as I don’t see her like that and at times she’s not being very nice to me and I just get on with her for the sake of her child (my half sister)

what are peoples thoughts on this? And what do I say when I Announce it and she instantly says she will be a Nan?

for the record with everyone having a different partners and my partners Nan and grandad still being alive that would be 10 grand parents all together

thank you so much any advice appreciated x

What would you like her to be called?

in our family there’s Nana X, Nana Y and Nana Z. She might be a perfectly nice Nana to your child. Give her a chance?

What will your partners step parents be called?

I think it’s one of those things that just happens, I wouldn’t over think it just be pleased the baby has lots of people who love it.

I'm sorry but unless you want to completely wreck your relationship with her and subsequently your dad, you can't tell your mum's partner he can be grandad but say no to nan. Pick your battles, this really isn't the hill to die on.

You don’t know that your step sibling will have a child? They’ve been together for so long and they have a child together, your step sibling. Surely they’re family by now? Will your step sibling be called aunt/uncle?

I think you’re being mean, seems like you don’t like her very much and are using this to get back at her. Think of your child, the more family members that love and care for them the better.

Well I think parents ultimately decide what their DC call people. Don’t make it a hill you die on but if you feel very strongly about it, you could suggest an alternative or say nearer the time ‘we’ll be referring to you as X to baby’.

She and your father have been together 17 years and she is the mother of your (half) sibling?

Honestly I think the more loving family members your baby has around it, the better.

Keep in mind that your baby won’t know or care that she’s not a blood relation, just like with aunties and uncles, she will simply be someone who’s been around for their whole life.

Give her a chance!

So your mother's partner gets to be grandad but your dad's partner doesn't get to be a grandmother. And they've been together 17 years with a child. Sounds like you just don't like her and want to hurt her. I grew up with a step grandmother. I didn't know her that well and rarely saw her but absolutely called her Nan as she was part of the family and it would have been hurtful to do otherwise.
What do you want her to be called if not Nan? Surely not just her name if everyone else is called grandad or Nan?

I suppose you could, after baby is born, never refer to her as Nan in front of your child? Just say things like “here, go to (insert name)” as you hand baby to her.

if she mentions being Nan pre birth, try to ignore it. You can make your point later.

My grandad remarried. We never called her Nan. She was always known by her forename. We prefixed it with the courtesy of “Aunty” as in “Grandad and Aunty Mary are coming over today.”

That worked for us.

We do nanna x for my step mum. I don't think it is worth getting upset about.

You may not have such a close relationship with your dad’s partner, but they’ve been together over ten years, and as his partner, becomes a grand partner by default.

However, it’s up to you how much involvement she has going forward. But by excluding her, you’ll exclude your dad.

I don’t think you can prevent this without causing a big rift with your father and your half sibling.
What you’re suggesting would be very hurtful.
I think it may be something you have to just let go.

just let her be nanny *** whatever her name is. I just let people choose their own names - its no big deal

It's seems very petty to say that. I think you'll cause a rift for absolutely nothing. 17 years is a heck of a long time mum to your half sibling and you still don't see her as family.

Why can there only be one Nan and one Grandad? Have you never seen Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? You can have more than one. Why is this an issue? How nice for a baby/child to have lots of people who love it and this to be acknowledged with what the child calls them.

I think this is odd. I'm not a fan of my step dad, but he's still grandad to my little boy.
If you do this, it'll cause a huge family upset.

How petty... in fact, downright cruel! She has been in your life a long time and you don't like her for whatever reason... what exactly do you intend to let your child call her... or are you going to go the whole hog just like my step son and refuse to let your dad see the baby is 'she' is around!

Give your head a shake... you are going to be a parent! Start acting like an adult

As someone who hated the thought of my parent's partner being called grandparent, I can honestly say it doesn't matter. Please don't let this get to you. It's just a name, and if your child has another person to care about them then great

Honestly, it would be more of a problem to eventually explain to DC why he/she has nine grandparents with grandparents names and one called Julie or whatever.

Maybe you've got good reasons for being distant from her, but it's petty. Kids need to be shown our better selves. They're also very good judges of character - using a particular name isn't what creates a warm relationship, that comes if they spend time together that's enjoyable to both sides.

Basically, give her a chance. There might be times when you need their help and being difficult with her now might be a blocker to your dad developing a relationship with your child.

Our DC have developed their own names for grandparents anyway.

I agree that this may not be the hill you want to die on. Also having a child can be tough , I don’t mean as a baby specifically, but mine are teenagers and there’s been countless times over the years when someone has been ill needed picking up from school, dropping off due to work etc. Do you really want to draw a line that she is not family? Far better to have more hands on deck.

Why start off with so much aggro at what will be such a happy time for the whole family? Just let them all choose what to be called. It’s not that important.

At some point in your child’s life it is likely they’ll all be gone. Why deny your child all that love?

thank you for the very “honest” replies 😂 I must add before my dads partner had a baby with my dad, I never saw her as she didn’t want us around and we had to see my dad separately. She told my dad she found us annoying and I’ve never felt close with her and I do only see her now a couple times a year and see my half sister through my dad, I just wanted to see what other people thought :)

So you are going to make an announcement? How melodramatic and attention-seeking and frankly simply unkind. And totally unnecessary.
Get a grip for goodness sake. It sounds as though you are just using your baby as an excuse to get back at her.
You are brewing up troubles. Presumably you want your child brought up in a harmonious family, so forget this spiteful plan right now.

So your child would only have to call her nan twice a year?