Don’t want my Dads partner to be Nan.

[Claree11]

Hi everyone. Bit of a long complicated one but really want other peoples thoughts and advice please 🙏

found out I am pregnant but I don’t want my dads partner to be called nan and I know when I announce it she will say “I’m going to be a nan” straight away as she already once said to me if I ever have kids she’s going to be a nan and I instantly thought no…

my partners mom and dad have remarried and my mom and dad are both with people and have been for 15+ years. My mom’s partner is more like a step dad to me and he has no children of his own so will never have the opportunity to be a grandad so I would like him to be grandad .

my dads partner I don’t really class as a step mom (there not married) they’ve been together 17 years and have an 11 year old child. I know she will have the opportunity to be a Nan one day but I just don’t want her to be a Nan to my child as I don’t see her like that and at times she’s not being very nice to me and I just get on with her for the sake of her child (my half sister)

what are peoples thoughts on this? And what do I say when I Announce it and she instantly says she will be a Nan?

for the record with everyone having a different partners and my partners Nan and grandad still being alive that would be 10 grand parents all together

thank you so much any advice appreciated x

We have very complicated relationships with Grandma's step grandma's same for grandads plus a goddaughter whose dc call me Nanna but dh by his name sometimes and Grandad sometimes. Originally all agreed on name variants we preferred but over time all the dc have settled on one's they like. What matters is the huge amount of love, care and literal childcare that surrounds all these babies we've been blessed with. Two of my dgc have no genetic relationship to me but I don't care I couldn't love them more. None of my dh grandkids are genetically his but none of the 7 of them care. Our 10 Yr old grandson just got his first phone and we are Nanna and Grandad in his contacts (all 5 of them 🤣) and he rang yesterday and asked us to go to a sch assembly. Why would you reject relationships for your dc because of your own own pettiness.

I agree with this. I honestly can't get my head around why some women - on mn at least - seem to think having a baby comes with it the ability to control every other member of the family and once the baby (pawn) is born can revisit petty misdemeanours from a position of power they have not had before.
Are you not thinking of your dad's feelings here OP? Or you stepmum's either? Or are yours the only ones that matter?
(I realise I will probably get responses that the pregnant mum's feelings ARE the only ones that matter because pregnant but I really despair at the selfishness and self-obsession that is encouraged here)

Unfortunately this. Think it would be different if they'd got together when you were an adult and there was no half sibling involved.

Your parents and his parents get to choose their names first. Everyone else gets the pickings. If your Mum or his Mum pick Nan, she needs to compromise. If they want to be Grandma and Nanny, there's no real harm.

All though I asked for honest opinions I think some of these opinions are extremely harsh and unwanted from a question asked where I gave basic background knowledge. I didn’t see my dad until I was 12 years old myself and my dad’s partner at this point avoided seeing us. She has banned me from seeing my half sister on a few occasions where I have had disagreements with my dad. A disagreement as such me and my other full sister got them lots of presents for Christmas and we didn’t even get a card or a thank you. My dad’s partner was angry I bought this up and stopped me for 5 months from seeing my half sister. I think people need to remember it was just advice I didn’t ask to be called names.

Honestly, let her be Nan. Fighting this can only cause hurt and division - you may not like it but for everyone's sake you will need to suck this one up.

My dad's partner was vile to me growing up. DD gets on well with her and calls her by her name.

I think if you had included your stepmothers initial hostility towards you in your OP, the responses would have been somewhat different. It all depends on whether relations have thawed in the ensuing years ,whether she will be known as nan or not

I think if you only see her twice a year I wouldn't make a big thing of it. You don't need to refer to her as nan to your child - in fact it doesn't sound like you'd really refer to her at all if you don't like her. Let her call herself nan if she wants and carry on with her little fantasy. She sounds horrid so I'd just leave her to it and pay no real attention.

My kids grew up with no nan's, yours will have 3. I would say they were lucky and you are on the verge of really upsetting your dad if you take this route.

This 100%

My DH and I both have step mums and I have a step dad. All came into our lives when we were adults so we haven't grown up with them, we have a "nanny x, nanny x, a mashed up name like Nellie, etc." If you don't want her to be called nan just say you'd rather her go by X

It’s not about you. It’s about your child being able to grow up in a loving and warm family environment. You kicking off about this will prevent that and cause awkwardness and confusion for your child.

She will call herself whatever she wants. You can’t really dictate what she calls herself but you can decide what you call her. Think of how you will refer to her but be aware that your dc will make their own name! My dc call MIL Ganna and my Dad Gudad.

I understand how you feel OP. I love my stepmum, but she's not my children's grandmother. My late Mum is. She also would never ever overstep that way either. My kids call her by her name which is totally appropriate. She's got a bloody cheek jumping in and saying she's going to be a Nan when she's treated you badly in the past. I'd just say "no, you will be (insert her name) to my baby.

She sounds like an absolute piece of work. No way would she have the honour of being Nan if it were me.

I understand OP. My dad’s wife was absolutely abusive to me as a child, and there was no way she was going to be “nan”. Sadly my mum had died before DC was born, but we always talk about her and I just avoid talking about “pops wife” and call her by her name. Luckily they live in a different country so it’s rarely an issue

I only called my grandparent's spouse by their first name. I get where you are coming from. She isn't your mum and it doesn't sound like you are very close, so why would she be a "nan" to your child.

How about "stepnan", since she is your stepmum?

@Claree11 it sounds like you are attempting to use your unborn DC to get back at your Dad's partner for all the slights she has hurt you with over the years.

Don't do it. Be the bigger person.

Your child will have TEN grandparents in some form of other. It will be easy for you to call her Nan X to your child, and in front of her.

If she protests you just say "We have to do this to distinguish between all the Nan's because there's 5 Nan's". Really not worth making a song and dance of it, just be easy breezy and suck it up for the 4 (or however many) times a year you see them.

It’s understandable given the background to the relationship OP. But at the end of the day it’s only a name and it is the relationship that counts, so I would try not to worry about it too much if I were you. My dd has a ‘grandad’ she never sees. She tends to call him ‘grandad John’ whereas her other one is just ‘grandad’ because the loving relationship was there.

In my experience children will call an adult whatever the adult is referred to as by the parents.

If you call her "Jane" to your child, they will grow up calling her Jane. It doesn't make a difference what she calls herself children learn to speak from their parents. I've seen this play out a few times and the children just grew up using the first names.

A relationship is more than a name OP. I too have step-parents, who are step-grandparents to my kids. I asked them what they wanted to be called. Step-mum chose to be Grandma, like my MIL (my DM chose another name). Fine, we have Grandma M and Grandma P. Pick your battles.

I don't think you've much to worry about tbh.

It sounds like she's not really into kids, and if that's true then your child won't really have much of a connection and might not even feel comfortable calling her nan.

On the other hand, some people are better grandparents than parents. It's sad, but true.

If this was the case though and she did step up into a nan-like role in your child's life, and wasn't a danger to you or your child, then I would let her earn the title of nan. She has got a lot of work to put in if that's what she wants to be called.

If she's reasonable you could talk to her and say you want her to be a part of this baby's life, but you need to air the sheets and tell her that you're upset that she made you see your dad separately and it has made you feel really unwanted by her.

She will either a. Apologise, explain herself, and show personal growth, or b. Double down and the problem will resolve itself.

At the end of the day, it's not really up to you. It's going to be your child's relationship with her, not yours. Just call her by her name to your child, let your dad call her Nan or whatever, and let your child decide what they want to call her.

My Dad is a dick. I wasn't particularly keen on him being Grandad, he was a bad enough parent that I don't call him Dad, just by his name.

So when DD was born, I just called him by his name, while he called himself Grandad. When DD could talk, she decided to go with Grandad. Didn't stop her working out by about age 6 though that he really wasn't worth her time.

She isn't your child's nan so you don't need to have her being called nan. It's entirely up to you what your child calls her. Go with what you want and don't be railroaded.