Don’t want my Dads partner to be Nan.

[Claree11]

Hi everyone. Bit of a long complicated one but really want other peoples thoughts and advice please 🙏

found out I am pregnant but I don’t want my dads partner to be called nan and I know when I announce it she will say “I’m going to be a nan” straight away as she already once said to me if I ever have kids she’s going to be a nan and I instantly thought no…

my partners mom and dad have remarried and my mom and dad are both with people and have been for 15+ years. My mom’s partner is more like a step dad to me and he has no children of his own so will never have the opportunity to be a grandad so I would like him to be grandad .

my dads partner I don’t really class as a step mom (there not married) they’ve been together 17 years and have an 11 year old child. I know she will have the opportunity to be a Nan one day but I just don’t want her to be a Nan to my child as I don’t see her like that and at times she’s not being very nice to me and I just get on with her for the sake of her child (my half sister)

what are peoples thoughts on this? And what do I say when I Announce it and she instantly says she will be a Nan?

for the record with everyone having a different partners and my partners Nan and grandad still being alive that would be 10 grand parents all together

thank you so much any advice appreciated x

It’s up to you but ultimately the people who it will affect the most will be your dad and your child

dm tried referring to her husband as Grandad around my dc when they were tiny. I told her straight to knock it off. They called him by his first name just like I do. It would have been fine with me if they were close to him, but he has never made any effort.
Not everyone has lovely step parents that they are close to.

Unlike many here, I've read all the OP posts, and I get it. Our father's wife (who is not our stepmother and has no interest in us) actually chose to be called 'Aunty X ' when our respective children were born. We always referred to her as 'X' and that's what my son knows her as. He hardly sees her though, so it's a moot point.

As others have suggested, give the actual parents first dibs at what they'd like to be called.

The first few years, your child will be non verbal. Your SM can refer to herself as Nan all she wants (assuming one of the actual GP didn't take that name); I would suggest let her do that but don't use the title yourself when referring to her in front of your child.

It sounds like you'll barely see her in any case so is a non issue.

It would be SUCH a dick move to call your mum's partner grandad and your dad's partner betty or whatever. Please don't do that.

I wouldn't say a word. She's likely to dig in harder if you do.

Just never refer to her as anything other than her first name (or whatever you call her). Your child can decide as they gets older what to call her. It may well turn out to be a moot point as they may not see much of her...

After your updates OP I’d feel the same to be honest.

Id just do a small smile if she mentions it again and don’t commit to it.

It seems like your dad’s partner just wants a cute baby to play with and expects you to involve her, but if she doesn’t have a relationship with you seperate to your dad and is also mean to you then she’s being massively ridiculous expecting any involvement with your child.

I wouldn’t, however, say anything. Just keep prioritising your mum and your DH’s dad for visits the first few months. If you do decide to seenthem then make it a point of introducing your dad as grandpa x and her as ‘first name’.

I don't think I was harsh and I certainly didn't and wouldn't call you (or anyone) names. I think the problem is that you added a massive drip feed later on. My initial advice would have been very different if it had been added before I commented. This being the internet, a lot of people won't have read it even if they're commenting after that additional informaiton.

Your father has been with her for many years. It doesn't matter if they are married or not. They have built a life together and they are family. They also have a daughter together, your sister.

I think you are quite nasty to be honest. I wonder how you would feel if some day you found yourself in her shoes.

She was "nasty" to you at times, was she? ... I wonder why.

It will be far more problematic for her to not be nan.

call her nan or nanny Sarah or whatever she’s called to distinguish.

What a bloody horrible post. You felt the need to come on to a thread from June and be shitty to the OP. Good God.

My now adult DD called her step-GM by her first name. Her actual Nan died many years previously so we felt it was important to distinguish between them.

Pregnancy is a weird time.
It sounds like you are ruminating and i cant think of the word but you spund like you are replaying conversations that havent happened yet and playing future scenarios out again and again (theres a name for it i think)

I get it....but gently also you are really focused on the wrong thing

For now... bide your time and announce and focus on your dad.
just nod and smile re: her...and ignore it
When baby arrives let her chunter on and dont use it.
A lot will change after the baby. A lot.
You might see her less of her, you may shock yourself and find you think shes less awful (simply because shes so helpful / clearly loves your baby so much / some other reason) and equally nothing maybe change.

once tge baby arrives....You dont have to use whatever moniker she self styles for herself. Just say "Susan can i have X" or "bye susan" instead of talking via the babywhich lots of people do.

Either way time will fly and by the time your child is 2 a lot will have changed.
I know you have 8 grand parents and 2 great grandparents but your child will work it out.

My DD calls my mil "susan"* not my mils desired and insisted upon name (which is her grandparents naive languages equivalent of granny 🙄🙄🙄) which i think is silly as she cant even speak the language so i ignore it entirely and say GrannySusan.
Dd now says things like "No Susan stop! Dolly sleeping! Thats not how you play. Stop! Stoooooop" etc. 🤭🤭🤭 which i find hilarious.
Kids will do what they want

• names changed to protect the annoying mil innocent

Maybe announce in a card to them

Grandad & Aunty ( insert her name)
Or Grandad & her name I can't wait to meet you in May 2025.

With a scan picture printed below

Love

Baby ( insert surname)

X

It makes it clear that she's not Nan but also that your inviting her to be involved- you could do a separate card for your sister then too with Aunty x

Don’t make any big announcements or be direct about it. Like others say that’ll create conflict. If you hardly see her then she’s not going to be a big part of the baby’s life.

I had a grandfather who I eventually ended up just calling him by his name as we weren’t close and he never felt like one. If you think something like that would eventually happen no point being the one to enforce it.

“Mummy why isn’t Grandpas “June” not my granny?” “Because I really don’t like her, darling”

Er no, it's because she isn't a grandmother. Why does someone who isn't a grandma and by the sound of it doesn't behave like one deserve the title.
I think it's perfectly fine to have Nan/grandma/ grandpa and x. My granddaughter calls her father's wife by her first name, because she isn't her mother, and calls that wife's parents by their first names, so why should people who aren't grandparents get the honour of being called one.
I'm a grandma and would be mightily pissed off if anyone who wasn't my granddaughter's grandparent( eg parents of second wife) started to call themselves by that name. The child has only 4 people who should be called nan/grandad etc, the others can be called by their name. It doesn't stop the child knowing that all those people care about them or love them.

I dislike my MIL’s partner overall and he was referred to as a grandad to my kid. We rarely see him and he’s chosen to be a recluse from family events, can’t be arsed to see us or DC.

DC doesn’t know who he is.

I’m not going to make a fuss that he is not ‘granddad’ and tell MIL I don’t care for him. Whatever he wants to be or refer to himself, I couldn’t care less.

What got my nerves was when MIL wanted to be ‘mama’. It was awkward but I’m the mum so I get first call on mum, mummy and mama!

I was completely honest. Those who can't tolerate people making honest comments should post here. I said exactly what I think. Sometimes there's a reason behind people acting in a certain way towards people. In this case, and judging by her post and the way she talks about her dad's wife, I can see where the problem is. She doesn't want her child to call her grandma... 🙄 who cares? Just looking to make people upset. She is an adult, adults shouldn't be so petty.

@Rain11 The OP made only 3 posts to read which were really clear why she feels as she does and is absolutely entitled to feel that way. You are essentially blaming a child who was sidelined and excluded for not suddenly wanting this woman to have the title of grandmother. She's not OP's child's grandmother. However you try to spin it, she isn't. I have a wonderful stepmum who I love very much. My children call her by her name. She has never felt entitled enough to expect my kids to call her "grandma" despite the fact she's been there longer than my late my mum was. My daughter was 5 when my mum died, my son never met her. My stepmum has chosen to respect my mum's role. She hasn't once inserted herself. So take your "honesty" and walk that mile.

Your baby your choice - I totally agree she does not deserve the title of Grandmother- I’d just refer to her by her name and your child will follow that. If she refers herself as going to be a Nan I’d say no you’ll be called by your name. Also twice a year your child won’t get to develop a bond with her so just don’t worry about it enjoy your pregnancy! For reference my children and grandchildren all have a lovely granddad who is there for them just like he was for me and my siblings though not blood related

My family set up wasn't as complicated as yours but I my DC never called my dad's second wife Nan, that was my mum's name. I referred to her by her first name and so did my kids. Having read what she was like to you I'd say she's trying to wind you up. Just ignore her and call her by whatever name she is to you.

If you only see her twice a year does it really matter if you call her Nanny Jane or whatever her name is? She won't have much of a relationship with your DC if she'll only see it twice a year but it will be far easier for your Dad if you agree to the name Nanny Jane. If you refuse you might lose your Dad over it.

It's entirely up to you, OP.

My late husband's daughter decided that I couldn't be a nan or gran to her child. I never quibbled - it was her choice. My husband, however, was hurt - every single one of his ex's partner was allowed to be grandfather. (The first marriage broke up after the ex took up with a work colleague.)

The one thing that gave me pause was the fact that - after the ex's first boyfriend died - the grandchild's father complained to me that the boyfriend hadn't left any money to the grandchild: "They should have done, because [the grandchild] called him 'Grandad'."

When the child was 10 yrs old, they asked me "What relation are you to me exactly?" [I swear that that is what the child said. NB We only saw them twice a year - they lived abroad for 7 years and then at the other end of the country.]

"Well...I'm married to your grandad, so that makes me your step-gran."

"Is that like half a gran?"

"You could put it that way."

"I've got two-and-a-half grans!"

The grandchild seemed pleased, but their mum obviously didn't agree, so I didn't push the matter. The grandchild always called me by my first name. I'm sad about that, but it wasn't my place to ask for anything different. (DH's daughter had made it clear that I wouldn't be gran and knocked back my husband's suggestion of honorary Aunty when the baby was a newborn.)

The choice is yours, OP.

Lots of second marriages in my family and all non-parents / grandparents were called by their actual names.

With my own grandparents, I had Granny Sue and Cliff, Grandad Sam and Hazel on my dad's side. Mum's side were still married so were Grandma and Grandpa.