Don’t want my Dads partner to be Nan.

[Claree11]

Hi everyone. Bit of a long complicated one but really want other peoples thoughts and advice please 🙏

found out I am pregnant but I don’t want my dads partner to be called nan and I know when I announce it she will say “I’m going to be a nan” straight away as she already once said to me if I ever have kids she’s going to be a nan and I instantly thought no…

my partners mom and dad have remarried and my mom and dad are both with people and have been for 15+ years. My mom’s partner is more like a step dad to me and he has no children of his own so will never have the opportunity to be a grandad so I would like him to be grandad .

my dads partner I don’t really class as a step mom (there not married) they’ve been together 17 years and have an 11 year old child. I know she will have the opportunity to be a Nan one day but I just don’t want her to be a Nan to my child as I don’t see her like that and at times she’s not being very nice to me and I just get on with her for the sake of her child (my half sister)

what are peoples thoughts on this? And what do I say when I Announce it and she instantly says she will be a Nan?

for the record with everyone having a different partners and my partners Nan and grandad still being alive that would be 10 grand parents all together

thank you so much any advice appreciated x

Will there be any other grandparents called nan in the family? If so, can you refer to here as nan name?
If you're child is rarely going to see her then really it's a non issue.

This is a very sad post, all these family members are going to love your baby, let her be Nan.

I dislike my ex mil with a passion. She was actually banned from coming to my house. She ruined my wedding 😂😂

But she idolised my girls and they love her.

Your dad’s partner is going to be in your kids life unless you never take them to see your dad so rather than being a gate keeper of titles just roll with it. If she is warm and loving to your kids what harm will it do? The more people that love your kids - the better for them.

Back in the 80s I had loads of aunties - none of them were actual real aunties just women that used to hang out with my mum 😂

Your irritation at her claiming she is a nan is blurring the bigger picture. It may also upset your dad and sister if you choose this moment to show how you truly feel about her. It’s not worth the agro OP

Just refer to her by her name to your dc, names tend to develop over time usually with the child deciding. My dd had 2 nannas and we called them that, however from around 3 my dd started calling one Nanny so we had a Nanna and a Nanny.

I think think you raise fair points OP. You just need to know what you and your partner want everyone to be known as in advance so that when your child arrives that's how you introduce them.

Let her be known as Grandma X and continue to see her a couple of times a year. Tell her that this is how she will be known to your baby but you don't plan on changing the existing relationship with her just because you have a child.

She had years to make an effort to be part of your life, she doesn't get to rewrite that. Your dad has clearly supported only seeing you on his own, and now with your sister, for years so this shouldn't be a surprise nor an issue for him. Let him know they are both welcome to visit as often as they wish, just like they always have been.

This woman was horrible to you as a child. Remind her your child will grow up to be "annoying" too.

Usually it's responses slamming a SP for not wanting to spend time with their SC because "this is what they signed up for when they got with a man with children" but here PPs are putting the onus on you, the SC who was excluded, to make her included now?

Just watched a huge thread slamming a poor mum who just wanted to go on holiday for a few days alone with her kids and wasn't taking her 16yo SD, her husband wasn't going. MN hypocrisy at it's finest.

You do what you feel is in your child's best interest. Shitty parents or SPs aren't going to be miraculously wonderful GPs.

Congratulations on your baby 👶 x

If its for 4 times a year I'd let her abd your dad refer to her ad Nanny X and just refer to her as X at home.

My stepdad is grandad to my children but not my niece. I was 5 when they got together. Sister 13. It makes a big difference. My dad's then wife was called by her first name as that was her choice. In truth though I'd have let her be grandma too if she had wished.

Can’t she just be Nanna Deirdre (or whatever).
It’s just words, after all.

I think you're being petty. It's not about you, it's about the child's relationship with the grandparent/ step-grandparent. And despite how she's been with you or what you think of her, she could be an amazing step-grandmother.

It's just not worth the potential fall out and divisiveness. You don't suddenly have to think of her as a step-mum or call her anything different to what you have done, for your child to call her Nan.

Why cause yourself so much unhappiness?

you've just found out you're pregnant (congratulations!) and you're giving this head space?!

I get that she was awful about/to you when you were younger, but whether she calls herself Nan or not is irrelevant & doesn't change that.

There's no point in risking upsetting your little sister. Nor causing agro with your Dad (he was wrong years ago too and as your Dad should have had your back, but didn't, yet you don't seem to be holding that against him.

10 'Grandparents' yeah, so what?!, being 9 is hardly going to make a difference. Your Dc will just learn all their names whether it's Nan Cat or Aunty Jane or just Doris, they won't understand what the 'title' means until they're older, then you can just explain the various connections

Stop digging your heels in & let it go. It really does not matter. Focus on positive things

Make your child a family tree book traces her origins properly. Either don’t put your dad’s partner in it at all or put her in in a way that very clearly shows she’s not really related.

You really are being very petty...and actually cruel! You've 'allocated' grandparent names to every other person in the possible 'grandparent ring' except for your dad's longstanding partner!!

Wow! Have a word with yourself OP!! 😮🤦‍♀️

You find out you are pregnant and one of the first things that pops into your head is that you don't want your dads partner (of 17 years) being called Nan.

Baffling.
If they were only together a few months I might agree but 17 years? Come on OP.
Sounds like you need counselling to help you deal with the past.

You are being ridiculous

This will become an unnecessary drama which you don't need. It's just a name, YABU.

She’s got to be called something for your child’s sake. We do the Nana/grandma with name as my dc have three sets of grandparents. Also it’s nice to go along with what the grandparent would like to be called. So if she wants to be nan let her. You might have to let this one go.

17 years and a kid together with your father... she's a nan. Plenty of people don't like their in laws so you won't be unique in not being a big fan of one of the grandparents.

I get it, I hated my dad's wife, as she deliberately tried to push my brother and I out of my father's life. However, we just happliy allocated our parents their names ( with discussion) and said that new partners could choose any that didn't conflict. They ended up with seven grandparent names. And then my dad's wife died unexpectedly. So the issue was short-lived.

I'd go with keeping in the peace and see how it plays out.

Can you find a name for her that’s a bit less like Nan? For example my brother’s kids call their step grandparent Grumps. Their actual grandads are called grandad and grandpa.

I would go with Nana first name

I find the idea of people assigned names as baffling our children never quite followed the adults and assigned their own.

Is hurting your dad and half sister worth it?

It's all semantics though whether folk are married or not and have kids or don't.
Bottom line is, mum and dad's partners are going to be called nan and grandad anyway as what else will baby call them? How can a baby distinguish or know relationships? The naming will be organic via baby.
Don't be one of those who come on here in 10 years saying dad's partner treats her own grandchild differently to yours will you?

Many people have two sets of the same name. It isn't up to you, they should choose which grandparent names they want to be known by, if they go for the same then so be it. They'll just become Nan Georgina and Grandad George or whatever.

My stepdaughters christened me Nanny Susan and that’s fine by everyone.