Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

[shabbapinkfrog]

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

big hugs to all of you,bil came last night with another bil,that doesnt bother with the girls, but i know if jayden was alive hed bother with him iykwim.
my dds said i always let them be ignored by them ,so why should be bother me if my granddaughters are ignored,cos it friggin does,but its his loss.
bil said hes gonna make a effort,yep whatever,were ok now , where the hell was he when our lives fell to pieces three years ago, sorry girls im bitter and cant rant in rl, as cant upset anyone as both inlaws are frail ,ill people.
ppm thinking of you tomorrow, candle will be lit here in yorkshire ,and all us girls will be with you,look after yourself, .

ppm , that makes perfect sense that you can control your diet , I hadn't thought of it that way .

One step in front of the other and don't forget to breathe xx

Sunflowers , of course you can join us I am just sorry that you have to .

My son died over 8yrs ago now and like you I am ok most of the time but it will always come and bite us on the arse at times I reckon . I am not surprised you struggle doing the helpline thing . I have often thought about doing something but I just don't think I could bear to hear that rawness in somebodys voice every day .

I would love to hear about your today when and if you are able x

Thanks Hazy - am just stuck in a pile of shit today! x

ppm.. every b/day is hard, but the first is the hardest.. these next few days you will be just be going through the motions. Do whatever you feel is right for your ds on his b/day

shabs.. there are no words.. well done on getting through this. you need a nice chill out today

emma try not to let the what if 's pray on your mind... its hard but beating yourself up just makes it harder.. this wasnt your fault. YOu did what you could for Thomas , he knows that you love him.

shelley.. if your run out of stuff to do.. I have a whole load of housework needs doing!!

tw how goes the no smoking?

fm , it is not going massively well I have to admit

I am trying but failing at the minute . I have had a couple but only in the evening . I don't know why I am finding it so hard now . The first two weeks were a breeze in comparison .
I have ordered the dvd (borrowed it off a friend before) So I am going to do it again when it eventually turns up .

How you doing ?

Thank you all, your words set me off again. Just a bad day. Shabbapinkfrog my daughter had leukaemia and was treated for nineteen months, but she got a virus out of the blue which overwhelmed her in the space of a couple of hours. She was absolutely beautiful, a really cheeky spark of energy and mischief and I so wish she hadn't gone. I've got four other children. She was the one I saw most of myself in.

I've been doing the helpline a year now and I thought it was getting easier. My husband has asked me to stop so many times, like just now when I called him, but I feel I need to do it. When I'm feeling OK I'm so glad I'm able to support others, but I had back to back calls today from bereaved parents (as opposed to professional calls, etc), which I guess is always going to be tough. I don't have time to settle myself before the next call, so I end up feeling that I am less help to the next person.

Sorry. I'm generally much more positive. J's birthday is coming up soon, and maybe that's why too.

I used to do the helpline for Compassionate Friends - I had to stop doing it after about a year - I couldn't sleep at night for worrying about everybody else.

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious girl....I lost a twin boy 28 years ago because of major heart problems (he was 7 months old) and 18 years ago I lost my DS3 (he was almost 8years old) a lorry collided with him and he was killed instantly. Most of the time I am ok and every now and then older grief bites my bum. xxx

FM i might take you up on that if your in Northamptonshire!!! You would think i have enough to do with ds, working part time organising my wedding (not much to do there now as not long left) and i've just started organising a charity event in my db's memory.
Trying to take my mind of the fact Matt's inquest will be sometime between now and the end of the month. I'm dreading it, i know its going to be hard but I have to know what other injuries he had. I know there were others and he's tried to tell me what they are. That reminds me better check with mum if she has heaerd anything about that or what court we will be at and time so i can alter CM if needed.

Oh Shabba, I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain of losing two children and that must be something you've heard over and over as well. I've read back a bit, and think you're amazing to be so supportive to others. xxx

TCF is where I am - that's just it, I feel so helpless. I think maybe one gets better at coping with it, but I don't know how without losing the empathy, and I don't want to do that.

I am afraid I'm a bit of train ride away in Glasgow Shelley Lou!!

I find cross stitching a great way to hide from the world and to keep myself busy- if I'm counting boxes I cant be thinking of other things

It keeps your mind busy but doesnt wear you out physically.. which is usually one of the times I get teary

I just seem to be sauntering along at the moment tw. I actually feel really calm all of a sudden.. like I have walked through a storm and come out the other side ...

Its too weird for words... keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Enjoy it while you can fm . I used to spend my whole time either feeling like shite or waiting to feel like shite thus making myself feel like shite iyswim .

Now I try and enjoy the peaceful times while they last .

Sunflowersintherain what a beautiful name. So appropriate too, because that to me is what life is like after you have lost a child. Sunflowers bring joy, you cant help but admire ther proud heads standing way up there smiling, then out of the blue a storm cloud brings rain and the sunflower bows its head and looks sad. Then the sun comes out again, and so on and on we go. I lost my beautiful child Matthew 16 years ago this June, he was almost 15, my then only child. He was my world, then he simply walked into my garden and collapsed and died instantly. To this day we have no medical explanation. I joined the Compassionate Friends a year later, and the first person to contact me was Shabbapinkfrog! The years have flown so quickly, in 98 after three ivf attempts I had triplets, a girl and two boys, amazing, wonderful, exhausting! They are now 12, I am in my late 50s, their Dad in his late 60s who is now fighting cancer. All sounds sad and bad doesnt it? It isn`t, it may not be fair, it may be cruel, but I have had so much in my life to be thankful for, just never give up

Hi Sunflowers, I lost my eldest son Jack when he was two hours old. He was born prematurely and we had to make the decision to switch off his life support as he had had a brain haemorrage. I now have my Wilfmeister (Wilf) he's 13!!

Thanks FM, Lunatic and others. Sunflowers, welcome and your name is truly inspired as sunflowers remind me of my wee lad who died last march but would have been 3 tomorrow.

Have been out this evening with DH, DS1 and a group of friends letting off 3 chinese lanterns for Gregor's birthday. Was going to do it tomorrow but decided the night was clear and cold so we did it Was truly beautiful. Think it's helped calm me down a bit.

Heading to bed soon.

why is it when someone starts a thread about stillbirths someone will always say this should be in bereavement

Until it happened to me I thought it was something that happened in the dark ages and so did all my family and friends

NO wonder when people want to hide the subject away

I want to start an aibu thread saying abiu to say I want more publicity around stillbirths but I aint brave enough

Sorry small rant there!

So many things to say but no words...

Welcome Sunflowers. We give sunflower seeds out every year for my DS(3) who died nearly 4 years ago after hitting his head whilst playing in the garden. He was 6. We also have a DS(2) who has a v serious heart condition - was not expected to get past 5 but is a v feisty teenager! DS4 almost 1. DS1 almost grown up.

Thoughts & prayers for Shabba & PPM

I used to cross-stitch - need to finish DS3's 'bears in the bath' @ some point! I play the piano more now - have to concentrate but still space to think a bit.

Re compassionate friends: I got shut out of the site after DS3's accident cos of some hooha with someone pretending to be bereaved - v bad timing for me as I just wanted to connect with someone. What's the support like?

I hate that we're supposed to hide the pain, but don't want it to be the first thing people think of - does that make sense?

FM - when things seem ok, I'm always waiting... Does that ever get better?

Sorry this is a bit disjointed - keep being interrupted!

Morning girls xx

morning girlsx thinking of you ppm, big hugs and candle lit here in yorkshire, one foot in front of other today, look after each other.

Candle already lit here PPM - be kind to yourself today - thinking of you and sending much love xx

Morning all

PPM , a candle is lit here in sussex for your gorgeous boy . Be kind to yourself today xxx

FM, thats several train rides away!!

Thinking of you PPM candle is light here too

Morning all, candle will be lit here later. Ive just had to call the plumbers back to the house AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I turned the shower on last night and it revvvvvvvvved up like Jensen Button on the starting grid! Call to builder 7.45 am Plumber arrives 7.55am. That is what i call EXCELLENT SERVICE!! I had an airlock and apparently did the right thing not leaving it swtiched on!!

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