Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

[shabbapinkfrog]

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

Shabs , what an amazing report , you must be so proud of him .

I am with you in spirit and my candle is lit xx

ppm , it is friends like her that will get you through xx Are you able to go with it today ? Fighting the emotion is so tiring . I know it is scary to just let yourself fell into it but sometimes it is needed .

Sending a big hug xx

Shabba, thinking about you and you friend today xx

PPM thinking of you too and your little boy who isn't here to share his birthday. It's hard to know what to do on the day, when instead of running around getting presents wrapped, cakes made etc there is just a big empty space. We usually go to his grave and put on a card and little teddy or toy and let off some helium balloons to send up to Thomas. This helps to involve our other children too and keep his memory alive in their minds. We also light a candle and have some quiet time thinking of Thomas after the children have gone to bed.

We are coming up to that time of year again too, our little man would be 6 on 12th March. My Ds2 (4 1/2) has just started school and it's so hard to see all the other children there that are the same age as T would have been.

Thank you all for your kind words, I know deep down that we did everything we could. It's just thoughts that have whizzed around my mind for years, it was such a release to say them. I know Thomas would hate me to think like that, but as his Mummy, it's just natural instinct. My main job as his Mummy was to protect him and I failed to do that, which left me with a huge amount of guilt. As I'm sure we've all felt at one time or another ((hugs)) for everyone xx

Thanks TW and Emma xx

TW, yes it is so hard to fight it i just have to go with the flow today as it is just toooo exhausting to fight against it. My friend phoned earlier, I burst into tears on the phone and she just jumped in her car and arrived ten mins later!

Emma, My DS1 is 5 and a half and started school in Aug last year. He's just amazing and has kept me going big time. Am struggling to find the words to talk to him about his brother's birthday though. Gregor was cremated and we don't have a grave as we've scattered his ashes in places that are important to us as a family. But I do have a special walk that is where I go when I want to remember and think of him which is exactly where I'm heading now to remember Shabs friend. My mum and good friend both share T's birthday. March is just a bloody nightmare for me wrt birthdays... just feel like i'm playing bingo with all the dates - but in a really bad way

It's still early days for you PPM, just do what you feel is right for you on the day. It must be so tough for your ds1 to understand and take in too, kids are amazing the way they deal with things though. I'm really not sure what my 2 understand as they never met Thomas. We talk about him lots though and have his pics up. We tell them he's their brother and is in Heaven but I guess they'll understand it all more as they get older.

March is bittersweet for us, T was born the day after his Daddy's birthday. I am kinda glad now he wasn't born the day earlier as that would have been very tough for my dh, and T has his own day too xx

Thank you all for your concern and friendship. Just back - will post later - just wanted to say it was an amazing fitting tribute to a lovely young woman xx

oh my god so many of you I want to answer as tears as tripping down my face

but little one is still up so I dont have time

so for now ...

Please dont think I dont care. I am holdig you all close ... hope you all have a peaceful night and I will catch up properly tomorrow

Welcome to the journey Emma.. I will post some thoughts on your guilt tomorow.. for now please remember you did everything out of love and the need to protect Thomas

off to yell soothe into bed

Ooohh I am so tired - I feel sick, happy, sad, upset and a 1,000 other emotions.

Vickys lovely Grandad told me today that the night she died she was talking about my sons and they were laughing and remembering old times. I stood talking to him and introduced him to my parents. My Mum and Dad talked about their losses and he talked about Vicky.....my Dad shook his hand and thanked him for being complimentary about me and my family. Oh this is a strange bloody world xx

Good morning girls xx

Morning all x

Shabs that must have been hard and lovely and a million other things all at the same time . How you doing this morning ?

Morning TW - Im doing ok thanks - just very tired xx

morning all.
how did you sleep last night auntieshabs x

LOL shelley - the alcohol did help. @ Auntie Shabs xx

Another shitty day

do you not remember that lol.

Hope today gets a bit easier PPM.

I've been trying to keep myself as busy as possible so i dont have to thin k of the trial or the crap charges that have been brought

ppm , how you doing ?

What have got planned for today ?

Hopefully stuff you can ignore and just be x

Shelley - yes I remember that but it just looks so funny written down

PPM sending massive hugs from sunny Bolton to you xxx

i didnt think you were that drunk lol

Thanks folks. Not much planned that couldn't be shifted today TW - Have spent the morning doing not too much and think the afternoon will be much the same. Just don't know what to do but your suggestion of 'just being' sounds quite appropriate. I feel really raw today. Quite overwhelming. xx

ppm , I really feel for you , that raw feeling is just too much to bear sometimes . You will come out of the hole soon .

Be kind to yourself xx

Thanks TW, I just can't believe how dark this week feels. Even my closest of friends just don't know what to do with me this week. I don't even know myself! I do feel loved but also feel incredibly lonely if that makes sense? You still off the ciggies? I'm sticking to the diet cos I need something to focus on that's going to make me feel better about myself when i resurface in april or thereabouts!! xx

You put me to shame managing to stick to your diet when you are feeling so low .

I have had a slip up or two the last couple of days Trying to get back on track now though .

I don't think there is much you can do really to make yourself get through this any quicker . Just go with it and know you will come out the other side soon . It is horrible to feel so out of control isn't it |? I used to really struggle with that . I also hated it when people spouted off the stages of grief thing . It just felt so precriptive and formulaic . I always insisted that I was different to everyone else that had ever been through grief and I wouldn't conform to what the stupid books said .

I was kind of wrong but it gave me something to rant about if nothing else .

Right now the diet is absolutely the ONLY thing I am in control of!! You'll get back on the wagon for sure!! You hit the nail on the head the lack of control is awful. Nearly school pick up time thank goodness. Roll on bedtime xx

Hello, I wanted to join this thread if that's ok. I do plan to read back so I know a little about everyone here, but for now I'm just feeling pretty miserable. I lost my daughter seven years ago when she was 5 and for a lot of the time I'm OK. I'm on a helpline though and sometimes I can't bear all the pain. It makes me feel so hopeless not to be able to do more and makes me wonder whether I will ever feel ok again. Sorry not to write a more upbeat first post. I don't always feel like this.

Welcome Sunflowers - so sorry to hear about your terrible loss - do you want to tell us what happened? Dont worry if you dont. Glad you found us but so sorry, as we always say, that it had to be on our thread. Lots of support here plus friendship and understanding xxx