Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

[shabbapinkfrog]

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

Hi Emma, we are here when you want to talk to us! I have had a candle lit for the precious ones today. New pics of Wilf and I on my profile!!

Hello Emma and welcome, not somewhere that any of us want to belong to but somewhere that does offer support and make us all feel that whatever we feel is normal. So sorry to hear about your wee boy and your MC - you can tell us about him if you feel like it.

Hiya Emma - glad you have come to join us but so very sorry we had to meet this way. Nobody will judge you here - nobody will say you shouldn't smile or cry, or laugh out loud, or scream with anger. Welcome to the most supportive thread on Mumsnet xxxxx

Morning girls xx

Morning all xx

How we all doing this morning ? I want to go back to bed .

Morning all, those of you who know me of old wont belive it if i tell you i have had another water problem in the house! The cylnder in the airing cupboard has gone wrong! Water all over airing cupboard floor and have had to empty it. Luckily my builder is a friend and he rang me at 6.30 last night and the plumbers were here at 7.45am!!

Thank you for the warm welcome

My little boy, Thomas, was born with heart defects. They were discovered after a routine check the day after his birth. He was allowed home just over a week later as doctors decided he was in no immediate danger but would need surgery in the future.

When he was nearly 3 months he had an outpatients appointment and the drs decided he wasn't growing enough and that the surgery needed to be done sooner rather than later.

To cut a very long story short, after the operation, Thomas developed complications. 8 days later we were told that his blood pressure had dropped too low so many times and that at some point there had been a lack of oxygen to his brain for too long. There was no brain activity We were told that the only thing we could do for him now was to give our permission to withdraw the life support. He died in my arms with his daddy right beside.

Thomas was such a smiley, laid back baby and to look at him you wouldn't think there was anything wrong. He had the most beautiful, big brown eyes and lots of dark, sticky up hair.

One of the defects Thomas had was quite rare and our dd also has the same one, albeit a much milder form, thank goodness. We were told it was unusual to have 2 children with it but genetic tests have come back as 'inconclusive'.

I just can't stop thinking about him at the moment and going through everything that happened in my head. It hurts so much

Emma I am so sorry you are going through this awful grief . Thomas sounds like a lovely wee boy . It is so painful isn't it when it comes and bites you on the bum ?

I am over 8yrs down this horrible road and I have gone on to have 2 more healthy children but every now and again my grief can still become all consuming . It has really helped me to have a safe place to come to and have a moan or rant or just to talk rubbish .

Not a bad mummy at all crumpette sounds very normal and sensible to me

How you doing today ? I often feel worse the day after for some reason .

How are things with your dh now ?

Have you read it crumpette ? It is someone who lost a baby at 22 weeks and someone told her that that was easier than losing a baby further on in the pregnancy . Thankfully people are being very nice to her and un derstanding . A first for AIBU .

The day after can always feel a bit of anti climax for me too . I always expect something to happen on the day (however mad that seems) , then when it doesn't I can feel worse for a few days .

Yeah I just read it through after I saw it in active convos and was just coming back to say phew, they are being nice!!! that is a first for AIBU right?! am relieved I stay well away

Doesn't seem mad to me at all tw((mad lady speaking))! For me I guess it's a bit like it's a magical day because it's hers and nothing else is hers these days..

kind of like expecting santa and reindeer and happiness at christmas and waking up on boxing day with your only gift being some foul-smelling talcum powder from old auntie ethel

oh ok thats just me hey I think the wine is still circulating... must go and sober up I keep adding extra letters and having to delete them

I think that is an excellent example crumpette

Emma your Thomas sounds lovely - One of my twin boys, Gareth, died almost 28 years ago when he was 7 months old - he had a large hole in his heart, a smaller hole and his pulmonary valve wasn't working properly. He also had the problem of very slow weight gain. He was 4.1 at birth and the day before he died we had him weighed and he was just 10.10. Im glad you found us. xx

Lunatic - that is so lovely - a lovely tribute xx

LF , that is truly lovely xx

LF that poem is so lovely, You dont me very well either! Im a regular boozer me! If you look back on the old threads you will see!!

Thank you all, it's nice to be able to talk about him with people who understand.

TW - it's strange isn't how sometimes you can be ok and just carry on as normal, then at other times you can be right back where you were when you first lost them.

Crumpette, so sorry to hear about your little girl, hope her birthday wasn't too hard on you. We asked for a 2nd opinion when we were asked about turning off the life support. We knew in our hearts he'd gone but desperately clinging to hope that they were wrong.

Shabba, Our little boy had a large hole and small hole in his heart too, and an Ebstein's Anomaly, which we believe caused the problems during his op and also what our dd has.

Re.the weight gain, this is what's getting to me and has for a long time. Thomas was born at 6lbs 9ozs and was 9lbs 2oz on op day. So not a huge gain but he had been gaining nicely up till about 2 weeks before the op, in which he gained 1-2 ozs a week in those 2 wks.

The thing is my following 2 children weren't huge weight gainers either but not because of illness, just the way they were and weren't much heavier than Thomas was at that age anyway. So my reasoning now is if we'd questioned the timing of the op more and just given him the chance to get bigger/stronger, maybe he could have survived. As he was feeding well and seemed well in himself with the help of heart meds.

I also wonder maybe if I'd formula fed him rather than BF it might have helped him put weight on quicker. I also know now that fortifiers for BM were available to help babies put on weight but they were never mentioned to us at the time. I know these are all what ifs and at the time we did what we thought was best and just went along with everything we were told. I'd just question much more now but at the time as young, first timers we had no comparisons.

Wow, I've never said any of this before but sooo needed to get it out!!

PS, sorry for the long post!

Emma , the what ifs and if onlys

I think we all have a big old list of them and even though I do know that in all probablity there was nothing I could have done to make a difference with Harry , there is not a day goes by that I don't have a what if moment .

Ems my little lad was breast fed for 3 weeks - I had to express my milk for him and I bf his twin brother. He gained hardly any weight at all....in fact he was in hospital for the first 14 days of his life. When he came home he weighed just 3lbs 15 - and the twins weren't very premature, born at 38 weeks - after finding out there were twins 10 days before their delivery

He would just go to sleep the minute I tried feeding him. When he was only about 8 weeks old I started giving him baby rice because I didn't know what else to do - thats when he started gaining weight albeit very slowly.

My twins were my first babies as well.

Im glad you are able to talk freely to us - it is a massive relief to get all these pent up emotions out isin't it?