Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

[shabbapinkfrog]

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

sniff sniff you've all made me cry! thanks it's probably done me some good and yes I did eat 5 cookies for breakfast [oink]

There's a thing called 'big yellow friday' which is a fundraising thing for the childrens liver disease foundation. She didn't have genetic liver disease but she had liver disease caused by a virus and I was thinking maybe I could get my work to all wear yellow on the day and raise some money for them. Not that it makes a lot of sense as she died, but it's less than a week after her birthday so it would be something for her memory.. Im a bit nervous about asking my firm to do it but I think it would be a nice thing

got to dash but thanks again for just being

how many times did I just write 'thing'!? I have lost the ability to type coherent sentences! yikes

Only 5 cookies - I think i'd have done a better job on them than that!!!!

I think the wearing yellow thing is lovely and if you find it difficult to ask do you have a colleague who could ask the most appropriate person on your behalf? When I started planning gregor's walk I asked someone else to put the justgiving link round work to save me some emotional energy.

Talking of emotional energy, I like to think I only have one limited sized bucket a day and I conserve it for things/people that really matter/need doing/have to be done. There are (some very close) parts of my DHs family who have had no contact with us since Gregor died. Their behaviour is their choice and quite frankly their problem. How I choose to live my life, how I choose to behave and the people i choose to spend time/interact with is my choice and I'm done with wasting time with people to sap or drain my energy. It must be really tough when your mother behaves in the way you've described, stick with your instincts is my advice.

My DH is also plagued by nightmares of gregor and also ds1 dying and it causes him considerable pain. I on the other hand have hardly had any dreams since Gregor died.

Remember the daffodils we planted a very wet november day? ...... well I spotted a few of them poking their little green shoots through the very frozen ground in the wood this morning - yay!!! Made me smile!

Hope you've had a good day at work Shelley? x

An old friends daughter died last night. Vicky had spina bifida but was such an amazingly strong woman. When Matt went to nursery he met here and instantly became her wheelchair pusher and buddy. He, and Danny used to take her to the local park and go on the tennis courts. Dan on one side and Matt and Vicky on the other. Matt used to tip her right back and run with her while Vicky held the tennis raquet. We could hear her screaming with fear and excitement from my friends house

He used to say that he would marry his friend Becky but would keep Vicky as his girlfriend I dont know exactly what has happened but it is such a shock...she was 25 years old.

She never fully 'recovered' after Matt was killed - she loved him dearly and the one comforting thing is that they will, by now, have been re-united xx

Rest in peace Vicky - give Matt and Gareth a kiss for me xx

Hugs for Shabs xx V for you and your friend xx

Oh Shabs I am so sorry , I remember you mentioned her before and how close her and Matt were .

Those poor parents going through those first days

That bit about her giving Matt and Gareth a kiss made me cry . I remember desperately wanting to say that to my nan when I spoke to her on the phone before she died . I couldn't say it but she was very brave and told my mum that she would find Harry and look after him

Thank you girls - Im going up to my friends with the sole purpose of getting drunk!!! I may be on later telling you all I love you its been a crap day xxx

Have one for me Shabs - large glass of red - I'm off it for the foreseeable due to the diet!! In advance of me not being around later - I love you too!! xx

im so sorry shabs, not a drinker myself ,but i love you all tooxx

Sorry to hear about your friends daughter shabs. I'll have a drink with you.

One of those days, boss is getting on my nerves being an arse and its 4 months since my DB was killed. It gets harder each month. I didnt want to work on the 19th for that reason but cant avoid going in on anyshift that falls on that date. Will make sure i have the 6 month mark off his birthday and the remember day

Have had too much drink to be drunk - IFKWIM - cant stop sighing and feeling so sad. Would like to be a fly on the wall in heaven tonight - my Matt and his bessie mate Vicky will be giving 'the boss' absolute shite!!! I have to go and visit Vickys mum over the weekend - like she did with me 18 years ago....the thought of seeing her sad eyes and her broken soul fills me with dread. Whats all this about my friends?????

Morning girls - turns out that Dizzymare was a troll new thread in active conversations.

Shabs what shitty couple of days for you

How you bearing up ?

Im OK love - ta for asking. I do need to go and see my friend but I dont know what to say to her....how mad is that? You would think I would know the exact words but I dont. not looking forward to it to be honest.

I know what you mean , you will say what you feel at the time and it will be as right as anything can be . Or you will say nothing but just hug her , that will be right too .

I don't envy you having to see her , seeing that pain in someone else is so awful isn't it ?

Be kind to you too xxxx

Aww shabs reading those posts can feel myself getting teary. I know what you mean about not knowing what to say. My firend who lost his brother suddenly just under a year before i lost mine didnt know what to say to me too much. He did give me some very good advice though: All you can do is just be yourself but a little bit more sympathetic than usual. He let me talk about Matt if i wanted but would also just talk randomly... quotes from tv shows etc. But that is him

Just popping in between toilet trips to give shabbs a huge squishy (((hug))) - chin up, chuck x

Hi everyone

Haven't been on here for a while and so many of you might not remember me. Am feeling a bit crap and needed some advice. I am sure this topic has been covered before and so apologies! My daughter passed away last April and I had a MMC in Nov. Just had daughter's inquest last week, which was v painful and her first birthday is coming up soon.

So, my best friend tried to get hold of me last week and texted to say she had to tell me something. I guessed it would be to say she was pregnant. My hubby and I have had so much going on - move to London from Germany, inquest, changing jobs, accounts, blah blah. So, I couldn't call her for a few days. Anyway, she rang to say she was pregnant but thinks she is miscarrying. I asked her how many weeks and she said 8 weeks. I tried to reassure to say that it sounded as if all was fine and to have another scan. But part of me was pissed off that she only told me because she thought she was miscarrying. Maybe she wouldn't have told me she was pregnant for some time. We are very close and don't keep much from each other. I would have been fine if she had told me earlier about her pregnancy. I know it would have been hard for her. Also, she always sends me updates about her 1 year old (didn't sleep today, teething, unsettled, sick, still breastfeeding etc etc). I am feeling fed up with the regular updates as I can't respond to them - what can I say? I am more interested in what is happening to her, as much I adore her son. I can't understand why she didn't tell me about her preg earlier but then always talks abour her child.

I feel so awful for feeling annoyed with her but I don't constantly want to be reminded of what I have lost. I don't want our friendship to be affected but I can't help feeling irritated. I am not jealous/envious of her baby or pregnancy. Just feel down about my own situation.

Any wise words would be most appreciated. xx

shabs I'm so sorry to hear about Vicky another young life lost, hugs to you

sh77 I am also sorry to hear about your little girl, I lost my daughter in April too and what should have been her 2nd birthday is coming up soon. Please stick around if you would like to.
I am not the best person to advise you as I'm a bit new to all of this as well and it's such a difficult emotion-filled time, so soon after losing your DD and your MMC. It sounds to me as if your friend is being very insensitive though. I imagine she dodn't tell you about the pregnancy sooner because she didn't want to upset you, but why she would then tell you when she thought she was miscarrying is beyond me, probably it is just that she appreciates you as a friend and wanted to ask you about it. The updates about her LO are hard to swallow for you, I would not be in a good place if I had had a friend with a DC the same age as L who kept sending me updates, to me it would feel like a kick in the teeth and although it would not be intended as a hurtful thing it would have the effect of reminding me ofwhat I lost.

So what I am saying is I can totally understand how you feel. I am sure your friend isn't doing it deliberately so maybe when you feel strong enough you could talk to her about it? Maybe ask her how she is and say that you want to hear about her and not just her son, especially in the light of your losses. You could lead into it by saying that you were a bit upset she hadn't mentioned her pregnancy beforehand and you want to have an open and honest friendship. I know that when I did have DD I had a friend who was having a hard time (not DC related but she was v ill) and to avoid discussing her illness (self induced) I would always give her baby updates, to avoid the awkwardness of other discussion, and to avoid rubbing in my (then) happiness compared to her consistent depressed and ill state. I think it was subconcious though, it is only with hindsight and with no DD that I realise that is what I was doing.

I'm not sure if that makes sense though... so maybe wait for one of the genius ladies here for better advice! In the meantime I recommend cookies and gin

LF yes all the family seem to have taken the viewpoint that she never existed. I'm finding it quite hard, the only member of my friends/family who cared about her was my grandmother who knitted for her and phoned all the time and really was involved, albeit from a distance. Sadly she died rather suddenly 3 months after L and I feel like I have lost the person I cared most about in the whole wide world and the only person in RL who understood and cared about her as well.

So sorry to hear about Vicky Shabs. What a horrible waste. I'm sure you found the words to say, infact I know you would have found the words to say.

Sorry to hear about Dizzymare as well, both you and Dee spent a lot of time and emotional energy on her. But I know that that person will not put you off helping others, because it's the type of people that you are.

Hi sh77, how are you doing? Do you want to talk about the inquest? Sorry to hear about your friend. I really can't quite work out why she's behaving like she is, but thinking about it she probably doesn't realise she is behaving in that way. Is she quite a selfish person? I find selfish people are often all me, me, me - it's the way they are and the way they always will be.

I would suggest you explain to her how you feel about the updates, be very honest with her.

Morning girls xx

morning shabs, how are you today?

Im OK thanks love. Not managed to see my friend yet - neighbours have told me she is at her parents house with her two sons - they live a fair way from me so I will have to wait for her coming home.

Glad your ok. Im sure your friend knows you will be there for her when se returns home. Im sure you Matt was waiting for Vicky. Just had a look at the fb group for her the messages are lovely. The info part made me rather selfishly think of my matt.