frasersmummy! and tw, I am here
Thank you for asking. I have been deliberately avoiding this thread because I didn't want to drag you lovely ladies down, I've been very a bit miserable but hiding it well, of course! Nobody else understands so if I dont mention it it's like it never happened, but of course it's not like that at all.. not making sense
I think maybe it's cos it's nearly her birthday and it's the first birthday she won't be here for and it's all a a bit strange, nobody else even remembers it is her birthday soon I feel very alone in that nobody remembers her or talks about her or seems to care at all. DP doesn't even know when her bday is/was and doesn't know when her transplants were etc etc. Keep having very vivid dreams about her dying, but in numerous gruesome horrible ways. My mother now knows about new baby DS but is so horrible about L and I now remember why I didn't see her all year or tell her I was pregnant, she is so nasty about L and her illness etc and is totally neurotic and unhelpful and thinks it's helpful to say I should never have consented to a 2nd transplant and I caused all her suffering by doing so and she should have died sooner and blablabla and thinks it's helpful to say that she was too small or too pale or whatever when she was absolutely fine for her whole life until she got a cold/flu, people used to stop and say what a bright healthy cheeky little girl she was and how full of health she was. And she still hasn't told any of her friends or colleagues that L ever existed (y'know, her granddaughter) because she was 'embarrassed' to be a grandmother. I was 22 when L was born, not 12! I have a degree and job, of sorts! I don't see her problem! L was adorable. BUT she has told her colleagues about DS.. to which I said 'er, do they know about L yet?' and she said OH NO of course not. I hate that L was not accepted by the family just because my family wanted me to have a career and not a child, but now DS is. I hate that L was not adored and loved and is completely erased by everyone. None of DP's family ever even met Lucia or sent a card or anything but now they are showing an interest of sorts in DS and it feels like it's wrong, to allow people who didn't give a toss about L even when they knew she was very ill, to be close to DS.
Argh sorry for that vent! I think my hormones are more settled now I'm just irritated! Had a lot of rubbish as well with the boiler breaking (cue ice cold showers), an external leak in the roof going into the wardrobe and making my suit and work clothes mouldy eugh, and all tenants moving out of DP's mums house so he can't pay the mortgage and nor can I as I am on maternity pay! I just want to leave the country and disappear from all the problems
on that note I am off to eat choc cookies for breakfast
I'm sorry I haven't caught up with the thread properly, I hope everyone's doing OK.
FM I just read the shoes.. It's so so true! Thanks for posting that