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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Our safe haven thread for bereaved mums and anyone who has been affected by the bereavement of a child - whatever age,

985 replies

shabbapinkfrog · 12/01/2010 10:53

The most supportive, loving, loyal thread on Mumsnet - I wouldn't know what to do without all of you x

OP posts:
frasersmummy · 17/02/2010 21:00

OH god lunatic I can just imagine what was going through your head ...

well done on getting past it though... another hurdle jumped

have a well deserved hug..

frasersmummy · 17/02/2010 21:09

Apologies to those who have seen this before but I thought those coping with early days might appreciate this

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child

shabbapinkfrog · 18/02/2010 00:52

OMG FM I haven't seen that before - how very, very true every word is....please will you email that to me? sharondothillmanatntlworld.com. No idea why I tried to disguise my email address, I am amongst friends!! xxx

OP posts:
travellingwilbury · 18/02/2010 07:49

Morning all

LF , that must have been so hard , tough enough to even be in there again but to have to do it and not be able to tell anybody how it was making you feel I hope you have a better day today and loads of luck if you decide that today is the day xx

fm , I love that poem too x

crumpette I hope you are doing ok , I know you have got the remember day coming up xx

How is everyone doing ? I did thankfully behave myself last night

shabbapinkfrog · 18/02/2010 08:28

Morning girls xxx

OP posts:
frasersmummy · 18/02/2010 08:29

morning

There you go shabs. .. I am not as brave as you - I dont want to put my email address on an open forum so I'll just say the subject is " a pair of shoes"

peterpansmum · 18/02/2010 08:34

FM that is so true... have just emailed it to a group of my friends. says so much about pain and shared grief that unless you are in our shoes you just cannot understand xx

well done TW for sticking with it last night.

shabbapinkfrog · 18/02/2010 09:31

Not brave love - just a bit stupid!!! But

OP posts:
ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 18/02/2010 12:42

Hello all Just popping in to say hello.

travellingwilbury · 18/02/2010 12:45

Hello Ilike

How you doing ?

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 18/02/2010 13:13

Hi TW, how was the dreaded injection yesterday?

I'm fine thanks, although I'm playing nursemaid as dh is ill and M is teething - aaarrggggghhhhhh

travellingwilbury · 18/02/2010 17:59

The dreaded injection was blumming sore yesterday . I seem to remember last time that the more I had the worse they felt . I did say that to the nurse but she gave me Last one tomorrow for 3 months

Sorry dh and m are sore . I hope you are managing to get some sleep . I remember the teething stage , as long as I could sleep at night I could just about cope .

LunaticFringe · 18/02/2010 19:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

travellingwilbury · 19/02/2010 07:13

Morning all

Well done LF , making the decision is the hard bit . Being busy def helps in the first couple of days too .

shabbapinkfrog · 19/02/2010 08:07

Morning girls xx

OP posts:
shelleylou · 19/02/2010 08:51

morning all. how is everyone today? I'm counting the hours till i can have a drink. Cant have one till im home from work tonight. Can see me having words with my boss he's being a bit of an arse and i cant do with it today.

peterpansmum · 19/02/2010 10:24

Morning everyone x

Am feeling a bit shattered today - think I did too much yesterday. Just need to keep my hands out of the biscuit tin today!! Less than two weeks to Gregor's birthday. DH taken day off but DS1 will be at school. Want to do something special as a family. DH thinks doing a cake is a bit wrong!

Crumpette - How are you doing? Been thinking about you.

crumpette · 19/02/2010 10:33

frasersmummy! and tw, I am here

Thank you for asking. I have been deliberately avoiding this thread because I didn't want to drag you lovely ladies down, I've been very a bit miserable but hiding it well, of course! Nobody else understands so if I dont mention it it's like it never happened, but of course it's not like that at all.. not making sense

I think maybe it's cos it's nearly her birthday and it's the first birthday she won't be here for and it's all a a bit strange, nobody else even remembers it is her birthday soon I feel very alone in that nobody remembers her or talks about her or seems to care at all. DP doesn't even know when her bday is/was and doesn't know when her transplants were etc etc. Keep having very vivid dreams about her dying, but in numerous gruesome horrible ways. My mother now knows about new baby DS but is so horrible about L and I now remember why I didn't see her all year or tell her I was pregnant, she is so nasty about L and her illness etc and is totally neurotic and unhelpful and thinks it's helpful to say I should never have consented to a 2nd transplant and I caused all her suffering by doing so and she should have died sooner and blablabla and thinks it's helpful to say that she was too small or too pale or whatever when she was absolutely fine for her whole life until she got a cold/flu, people used to stop and say what a bright healthy cheeky little girl she was and how full of health she was. And she still hasn't told any of her friends or colleagues that L ever existed (y'know, her granddaughter) because she was 'embarrassed' to be a grandmother. I was 22 when L was born, not 12! I have a degree and job, of sorts! I don't see her problem! L was adorable. BUT she has told her colleagues about DS.. to which I said 'er, do they know about L yet?' and she said OH NO of course not. I hate that L was not accepted by the family just because my family wanted me to have a career and not a child, but now DS is. I hate that L was not adored and loved and is completely erased by everyone. None of DP's family ever even met Lucia or sent a card or anything but now they are showing an interest of sorts in DS and it feels like it's wrong, to allow people who didn't give a toss about L even when they knew she was very ill, to be close to DS.

Argh sorry for that vent! I think my hormones are more settled now I'm just irritated! Had a lot of rubbish as well with the boiler breaking (cue ice cold showers), an external leak in the roof going into the wardrobe and making my suit and work clothes mouldy eugh, and all tenants moving out of DP's mums house so he can't pay the mortgage and nor can I as I am on maternity pay! I just want to leave the country and disappear from all the problems

on that note I am off to eat choc cookies for breakfast

I'm sorry I haven't caught up with the thread properly, I hope everyone's doing OK.

FM I just read the shoes.. It's so so true! Thanks for posting that

crumpette · 19/02/2010 10:39

x-posts ppm how are you? (crumpette well inside biscuit tin)

Of course it will be your Gregor's 3rd birthday soon

If it weren't for this thread I would have gone totally barmy a long time ago, you just don't think it happens to anyone else do you..

I don't know what to do for L's birthday, DP doesn't want to do anything but of course he doesn't like photos of her around and doesn't even know when it is! I don't want her to get 'left behind' I really want to do something for it

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 19/02/2010 13:13

Oh Crumpette, I don't know what to say really. I've already given my opinion on your dp and your family so I'm not going to bang on about it, but I really think you need to put some distance between you and the people who are a mental, emotional and financial drain on you. I think you have to think what it is they bring into and contribute to your life.

Please know that even if those around you don't talk or remember Lucia, we all do. We think of you, your ds and her daily.

If you want to celebrate L's birthday, then do it. Do whatever you want. Forget about everbody else and their opinions.

peterpansmum · 19/02/2010 14:41

Hiya Crumpette, We're all here for each other so don't ever keep away thinking you will drag us down - you won't. Even though i do have lots of lovely friends around me loneliness is something I have felt and do feel a lot of from time to time - it's like nobody else is in our headspace. will add more later... quite a few things you said resonated with me. Gotta head out collect ds1 and swimming lesson, much love xxx

hazygirl · 19/02/2010 15:18

crumpette,big hugs ,i dont know what to say you must be heartbroken.
i know people in our family dont agree but we celebrate jaydens birthday, he has cake and we sing happy birthday at the cemetry,let ballons off ,leave a pressie of bear on grave and go home and have cake,people dont like it but they know its only way i can do it,and keep him alive.
we went to cemetry yesterday and baby boy other side of path ,has a headstone ,the wording read id have held you ever minute of the day if only we knew, i read and stood their and cried like i hadnt cried for ages,god it was so bloody true,why do we have to walk this crap, flaming shit bath every day.
big hugs to all you girls your the only ones that understand, i lost my grandson,but you girls lost your sons and daughters ,i have nothing but admiration that you are so bloody brave,including my dd1.big massive hugs

travellingwilbury · 19/02/2010 16:43

Hello all , crumpette I really feel for you , you need some space where you feel able to talk about Lucia and I would hate to think that you were trying in some way to protect any of us here . We are the ones that can truly cope , the ones that when we ask you how you are , we actually want to know the answer .

I know you have heard it before re your family and your partner so I won't go on about it but ........

We used to always go somewhere that Harry had enjoyed for the first few birthdays . Normally duck feeding and it did help , I found the hardest days were when I had nothing planned and then I would just sit around and wait for something to happen that never did . Whatever you decide to do on the day please know that we will all be with you in spirit . You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own . It is frigging hard enough with lots of support .

Be kind to yourself and speak to you very soon xxx

shelleylou · 19/02/2010 16:49

arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sorry just wanted a quick scream before i go to work. Today has sucked and i figured if i get some out of my system my boss is more likely to have his head come 9.30

travellingwilbury · 19/02/2010 16:57

Good luck Shelley , anything in particular or just "one of those days" ?