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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My son died 2 weeks ago, 7wks old

121 replies

AbiAbi · 30/12/2009 18:17

Hi;

I am not sure what I am hoping to get out of this, or what I want to hear; I just need to know that someone else has gone through it, and that it might possible get better?

My son, Archie, died on the 22nd December at 10.04am, after having been in PICU for 6 days. He was 7 weeks and 6days old.

He had NEVER, ever been ill before the 16th December; I was one of the smug women who breastfed like a dream and looked down their noses at the FF mums on AIBU .

He vomited on the 16th and then became unreponsive and was diagnosed with a malrotated bowel. They operated but eventully turned off his machines on the 22nd.

Will it ever get better? Has this happened to you? Will a new baby help? Its just so painful.

xxx

OP posts:
RedTartanLass · 30/12/2009 18:31

Oh Abiabi, have nothing at all to say that would help, just couldn't read this wihtough posting. All my thoghts with you and your family

NumptyMum · 30/12/2009 18:32

Dear AbiAbi
I am so so sorry to hear about the death of your son; you must still be in shock over it. I've not been in your situation, but lost a baby due to patau's syndrome when I was still pregnant at 15wks - it was diagnosed at 13wks so we were slightly prepared. At that time someone told me about SANDS which I think has local groups and also a helpline; I think it really does help to talk to people who have been in a similar situation. It helps to have someone metaphorically holding your hand, and just being with you.
xxNM

SleighGirl · 30/12/2009 18:34

I just want to add my condolences I have no experience of anything similar to you first hand.

PlonkerTeatowelOnTheirHeads · 30/12/2009 18:34

Oh abi, I'm so very very sorry for your loss

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family - God bless you xx

norfolkBRONZEturkey · 30/12/2009 18:35

I'm so so sorry
I don't have any useful answers but couldn't read and not send you my thoughts
x

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 30/12/2009 18:36

I am so sorry to hear about your darling Archie AbiAbi.

Sorry this is a quicky, but please come and visit us here at thread

It's not a thread anyone wants to be on, but we help each other get through the days as best we can. You can ask any questions you want on there as NOTHING is taboo.

To tell you the truth it will get better, but not for a while. But there will come a time when life doesn't feel so pointless or painful.

I'll try and get back on here later xxx

jaquelinehydeThePresents · 30/12/2009 18:37

Abiabi I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. Please don't be down on yourself for being smug about breastfeeding. It is something you should always be proud of.

NM has got it right, contact SANDS and talk about what has happened. Talking is so important.

Wish there was more I could say

Carikube · 30/12/2009 18:38

I am so sorry to hear about your loss .

I haven't been through this myself but my DB and SIL have as they lost DS1 when he was only weeks old - again, a perfectly healthy baby until getting a virus. I would second what someone has said on here about SANDS - I know my SIL has gained a lot of comfort from them and they would definitely be worth getting in contact with.

tackyChristmastreedelivery · 30/12/2009 18:38

Oh Lord. I am so so sorry. I am so sorry Archie was lost after such a short time with you.

Have you got support, some family and friends around you?

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 30/12/2009 18:38

Sorry, I think I messed the link up.

try this

Deemented · 30/12/2009 18:44

Hi AbiAbi,

I am so sorry that your precious baby Archie has died. Life is just so unfair at times. You are still in the very very early stages yet love, please don't expect too much of yourself - have you had his funeral yet? At this stage you do well to just get through the minutes, never mind the hours or the days.

My firstborn twin son died just over five years ago now... and whilst the pain is still there, i can say i've learnt to live with it better.. you do eventually learn to adapt and live with it. It's not easy - far from it... but you can do it.

Please come and join us on the thread that ilike has linked to.

Original poster
AbiAbi · 30/12/2009 18:44

Yes I am going to call SANDS. I am more of a typer than a talker, you know?

Thank you all so much for being arsed enought to reply, it does mean a lot. If you'd told me a year ago I would be on an internet forum looking for support I would have laughed in your face; funny the roads life leads us down.

I have so much support, but my boyf is going a bit insane, he had a brother who died of S.I.D.S 28yrs to the day Archie died ( I KNOW!), and is either uber calm or smashing the house up.

I have a 4yr old too, who isnt my boyfs, and I feel guilty because I have her, and he doesnt really, you know? I also want to smack anyone else who cries and say "But he was MINE! I grew him, and I fed him, and I looked after him!" You know? Is that normal?

Abi

xx

OP posts:
Original poster
AbiAbi · 30/12/2009 18:46

Demented, funeral is on 5th Jan at 10.45am xxx

OP posts:
nighbynight · 30/12/2009 18:46

No useful advice but just wanted to say, how unutterably dreadful for all of you, and I am thinking of you.

oxocube · 30/12/2009 18:48

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Don't know what else to say as I can't possibly imagine your pain. I pray you somehow get through this

giraffesCanDanceAtHogmanay · 30/12/2009 18:49

So sorry Abi The SANDS website link is useful, they have forum too but those are closed just now, due to open in early Jan I have heard, so they might be helpful as well.

Thinking of you x

tackyChristmastreedelivery · 30/12/2009 18:50

I think anything is normal, you are allowed o feel any which way you have to. All your feelings seem completely reasonable to me.

Your poor dp [darling partner] and dd[darling daughter].

Are you new to mumsnet? It is an amazing support, SANDS have a forum too, so you don't have to just use the phone lines.

Deemented · 30/12/2009 18:50

It's normal, Abi - so so normal. I remember ahouting at my mother one day when she was crying about my DS - she said how distraught she was, and i turned on her and said that i was the one who'd carried him... felt him move inside me... birthed him... loved him.

I can imagine how hard it is for your other half too... sometimes you might be in different stages of your grief, but the important thing is to always talk to each other.

Tortoiselookingforwardto2010 · 30/12/2009 18:52

So sorry for your loss.

3andwant1more · 30/12/2009 18:52

I'm so sorry for your loss Abi. Don't know what else to say but just wanted to post.

shabbapinkfrog · 30/12/2009 18:55

Im so very, very sorry for the loss of your precious DS. Could I also echo a couple of posters suggestion to come and talk to us on the bereaved mums thread? Its not always a place of sadness - we also do anger, happiness - in fact every emotion you can possibly think of.

I have lost two of my four sons - I hate the saying that 'time heals' but Im afraid it is true. You get to a place where the hurt and sorrow ease a little but it all takes time and your grief is so raw at the moment.

They are a good bunch of ladies who will give love, loyalty and support.

Im so sorry xxxx

TheMysticMasseuse · 30/12/2009 19:01

Abi, I have got nothing to contribute, just wanted to say that how sorry sorry sorry for your loss i am. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Mn is a wonderful place and I am sure you will find support here.

Original poster
AbiAbi · 30/12/2009 19:02

Just realised the title is wrong, he died 8 days ago, but got ill 14 days ago, sorry, xx

OP posts:
bibbitybobbitysantahat · 30/12/2009 19:02

This is a terrible tragedy Abi. Can you tell us something about Archie? I'd love to hear a bit about him. Not if its too painful ... Sending all sympathy x

biglips · 30/12/2009 19:03

im so sorry to hear for your loss.