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Bereavement

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Original poster

My son died 2 weeks ago, 7wks old

121 replies

AbiAbi · 30/12/2009 18:17

Hi;

I am not sure what I am hoping to get out of this, or what I want to hear; I just need to know that someone else has gone through it, and that it might possible get better?

My son, Archie, died on the 22nd December at 10.04am, after having been in PICU for 6 days. He was 7 weeks and 6days old.

He had NEVER, ever been ill before the 16th December; I was one of the smug women who breastfed like a dream and looked down their noses at the FF mums on AIBU .

He vomited on the 16th and then became unreponsive and was diagnosed with a malrotated bowel. They operated but eventully turned off his machines on the 22nd.

Will it ever get better? Has this happened to you? Will a new baby help? Its just so painful.

xxx

OP posts:
eggandsoldiers · 30/12/2009 23:17

Dear Abi
I am sorry your lovely baby Archie died.
Thinking of you.
xxx

izzybiz · 30/12/2009 23:20

Its truly a tragic situation to be in, my Dhs brother has been absolutely devastated by his daughters death.

I think men see themselves as protector, head of the family, and to lose a child is something that no-one can prevent

I also think they find it harder to be open than women as a rule, BIL and SIL are still strong as a coule, but something died in both of them the day Freya died

So for all of you who have lost your precious children. x

shabbapinkfrog · 30/12/2009 23:23

I think you are right love...although both times I became the strong one - the 'Im fine thanks' one.....its how I cope, how I get through stuff...the problem was that it made my DH very angry that he couldnt be that way - I understand it now - just wish I hadn't realised it many years ago. xxxx

shabbapinkfrog · 30/12/2009 23:24

sorry - wish I had realised it years ago

Original poster
AbiAbi · 31/12/2009 09:41

Thank you all so, so much for taking the time to reply, and sedning your love; it really does mean a lot.

I will go to the bereaved mums thread in a mo, I just wanted to express my gratitude at your kindness.

Me and my DP will be ok, in the long run, and an ex-colleague told me to consider the strong bond we now have as Archies gift to us, which is a nice thought. Archie taught me so much, just to be a better person in general really!

I keep saying that if I could only have him for 7 weeks; at least the were the best seven weeks of my life, which they were, undoubtedly - I was the happiest person alive, and 2009 is still the best year of my life, just with a really shitty ending; I loved being pregnant and giving birth and I will do it all again, it is just a bit shit at the moment.....

I am going to a SANDS meeting on Jan 10th so hopefully that will help;

Thanks again ladies,

xxx

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 31/12/2009 18:13

My cousin works as a volunteer for First Touch, which is a big support for parents at St George's. Although she didn't recognise you from your situation, perhaps there will be people there who can help you? I hope you find peace and comfort in 2010.

QueenofWhatever · 31/12/2009 19:21

AbiAbi, so sorry for your loss. We lost our first son when he was nine days old. That was six years ago, but I can still remember the terrible intensity of it all. PICU is quite some place, so my thoughts are with you on that.

I actually went back to PICU about 18 months ago (partly because I worked at the hospital) and that really helped. It all looked so much smaller.

I now have a five year old daughter who has brought me so much joy and happiness. Her name means good luck.

LunaticFringe · 31/12/2009 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

harimosmummy · 31/12/2009 20:10

Oh, Abiabi... I am so very very sorry for your loss.

my Dh lost his son on 17th December 1996. His son was 4months old at the time.

Archie will always be part of your family, part of who you are and, in turn, you will never, never forget him.

You have my prayers.

HM x

harimosmummy · 31/12/2009 20:13

Sorry, I just wanted to add.... A new baby will be a joy but won't ever replace Archie.

My DH went on to have another baby with his Ex wife and we now have two children.

They are all blessings and we love them all dearly (Obviously, including the DC he had beforehand) but it won't ever replace your son.

He was wonderful and individual and unique all in his own right. That he was only with you for a short amount of time is meither here nor there.

x

NickeeS · 31/12/2009 20:25

Abi, thoughts are wih you and DP, I can only imagine what you are both going through and it breaks my heart to think about it. I lost a baby through ectopic pregnancy last dec and now have DD who is 15 weeks. Although I never got to meet Baby no1 I think of her everyday. It break my heart to think that you got to met your little man and that he was then cruelly taken from you. You will go on to have other DC but little Archie will always be in your heart.

PirateCatintheXmasHat · 31/12/2009 20:30

I am so sorry about your darling boy. my sincere thoughts and prayers go to you and your family abiabi.

bearcrumble · 31/12/2009 20:52

Abi, I am so so sorry about little Archie. I really think the other ladies who have gone through similar and the people at SANDS will be a support.

Obviously it takes time - it does feel as if you are simply hanging on by your fingernails at first but things change very gradually and you start to feel like yourself again. Don't expect to feel 'normal' for some time, and don't feel guilty for taking as much time as you need to grieve.

Facebookaddict · 31/12/2009 21:12

How horrible and shocking. Your description of your son is beautiful, write it down somewhere to keep. Hope 2010 brings you comfort and relief. ( I think I would feel a lot of rage at the unfairness of it all- hope SANDS and counselling help you and DH, and your other DC who will need comfort too).

Poohbearsmom · 31/12/2009 22:10

My heart is sore for you abi, what you are going through is a living nightmare i dont think there can be any closer to hell then loosing your darling angel baby. Im so very very sorry abi you lost your beautiful Archie

dawntigga · 31/12/2009 22:19

Abiabi I really don't have the words, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tiggaxx

scottishmummy · 31/12/2009 22:23

wanted to acknowledge your post your pain.how sad and unfair.have you been offered counselling/debrief or support?

do allow yourself time.no stiff upper lip.talk,talk,talk.there is no time limit for healing.

take this minute by minute,day by day and sometimes there is no answer no why,only what if's

Original poster
AbiAbi · 02/01/2010 10:38

Hi ladies;

Thank you all so much for responding, I am being constantly surprised how nice people are at the mo.

I am sory I didnt take the time to reply to all your messages quicker, yesterday and NYE were FOUL so just buried myself away. Today we all feel better; I almost feel like the last year was all a dream, and we are just back exactly were we started; although it wasnt a bad place to start with, so we are lucky.

bitoffun we were on the PICU ward, but not from birth so I dont think the First Touch people can help us really? They do amazing work though from the looks of it, you should be proud of your cousin.

queenofwhatever I hope never, ever, EVER to see a PICU ward again, you are so brave to go back there; it was awful, you think you know suffering then you go onto a childs intensive care ward

Scottishmummy We are being written to sometime this month to offer us a debrief. I dont think I can bare to hear the words, or that it will help to be honest, if you know what I mean, but we will see.

To all the ladies who have lost children I am so, so, so sorry; and I wish all the ladies who took the time to reply the brightest of new years and the happiest of futures,

Abs

xxxx

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/01/2010 21:21

so sorry about wee archie.do accept help offered debrief can be useful.be prepared it can be harrowing but can help make sense and fill in the blank bits

but only you can judge time and timing,so if debrief isnt right now,then perhaps another time

and finally take it as it comes.it is like being member of a club you never wanted to join

TinaSparkles · 02/01/2010 21:27

Would just like to add my condolences for the loss of your beautiful son. I know he will be forever in your heart.

So sorry, what a cruel cruel world it is at time. xx

squashimodo · 02/01/2010 21:40

So so sorry to hear of your loss, hugs to you.
I can not begin to imagine how painful it is to lose your baby.
Hugs to everyone on this thread that lost a darling child.
My heart goes out to all of you.
xx

purpleduck · 02/01/2010 21:46

So sorry to hear about the loss of Archie

MrsKitty · 02/01/2010 22:22

I'm so sorry for your loss

InTheSoup · 02/01/2010 22:53

AbiAbi, I just wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss... thinking of you and your Archie and the rest of your precious family...

MitsubishiWarrioress · 02/01/2010 23:00

AbiAbi and your DP, I am so sorry for your tragic loss.....