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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My ickle big brother. [sad]

301 replies

shelleylou · 19/10/2009 13:25

My brother was killed early hours of this morning. Dont know too many details as an investigation has been opened only that he would have died almost instantly and he's unmarked.
I feel so guilty i wasnt there for him when he needed me (always been like that with each other)I woke up with a start about that time and knew this morning that something was very wrong. Im going to mortuary later to see him, im dreading it as its going to make it seam more real but i have to do it for him id never forgive myself if i didnt. Atm it doesnt seam real its all just abad dream. RIP bro love you loads

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2009 22:46

So sorry to read this - can imagine a little of how you are feeling. I have lost 2 of my four sons. One as a baby with congenital heart problems and one little boy who was almost 8 in an RTA. Your head must be spinning around and around trying to make sense and making none at all. We have a bereaved mums thread on MN which is an amazing place for support. I know that none of the Mums would mind you coming on there if you need to talk and try and make sense of your emotions. Will link it for you in a second. Sending love and support to you and all your family xxxxx

shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2009 22:47

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/816252-Gareth-and-Matthews-thread-for-bereaved-Mummies-the-special- thread

alwayslookingforanswers · 21/10/2009 22:55

Vagina - she's got a good DP (well he's a DF actually) there and I'm sure he won't let her use the drink to prop her up too much.

I'll stalk him on facebook if he does

Original poster
shelleylou · 21/10/2009 23:06

VS i have a nearly 3 year old and still dont know how they are coping think they are trying to be strong for me and my brother like i am for all of them.

I know your not knocking me for having a drink just making sure im aware of what could happen and i appreciate that.

Shabba, none of it makes sens not sure if ive already said this on here but its my brother lying in the mortuary (hopefully now our local one not where the forensic autopsy took place) Im sorry for the loss of your sons. Im sorry if im making the wrong assumption here but are Gareth and Matthew your boys? Your link made me cry i havent even opened it yet but they are my DB's names.

OP posts:
VaginaShmergina · 21/10/2009 23:12

alwyas...... thats good to hear, a supportive partner it just what you need shelley.

Girls shabs is a wonderful person and has a heart of gold and endless words of wisdom sprinkled with wit when appropriate. What a bizarre coincidence about your brothers names and Shab's boys

shelley your 3 yo prob has not got any idea of what is really going on and children are just so bloody strong in more ways than one. I hope you will draw strength from them.

shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2009 23:14

Oh my word!! Yes Gareth is my baby twin who died from heart problems and Matt was killed in a RTA. Im thinking about all of your family but especially your parents. There is no death so sad as that of a child and your lovely brother is their child. Please dont feel you cant post on our thread - its not always a sad place....we cry, laugh, scream, shout, get pissed drunk, and just support each other. You dont have to be a Mum to gain support from the lovely girls on there. xxxx

Original poster
shelleylou · 21/10/2009 23:17

oh god the coincidence just gets worse. Its my matt that was killed.

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2009 23:20

if you look on my profile I have pictures of my sons. My other two boys are Daniel (28) and Thomas (12). You all have a long and crappy road of bereavement ahead but, if you stick together and support each other, you will 'get there' wherever the hell 'there' is xxxxx

Original poster
shelleylou · 21/10/2009 23:26

there gorgeous boys shabs. Its really crappy atm think that may be the understatement of the century. We're supporting each other i feel worse i think cos i dont live with my parents and brother, only 10 minute walk away but cos im not there all the time. IYKWIM

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2009 23:28

I do know what you mean my love.
this is a bit cheesy to start with but every word explains how it feels

Original poster
shelleylou · 21/10/2009 23:32

just listening to it now

OP posts:
Original poster
shelleylou · 21/10/2009 23:36

the words are so true

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shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2009 23:37

I know, your loved ones never, ever, ever leave you and that song says it all. xxxx

Original poster
shelleylou · 21/10/2009 23:42

hes always been my guardian angel looking after me and i know he still is. He shouted me earlier and hes made sure i know what caused his death and he had other injuries we havent been told about.

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 21/10/2009 23:44

Take care sweetheart - I have to go to bed - am looking after my grandson while his mum goes to work tomorrow. Will come back and check how you are in the morning. Please think about following the link I sent - lovely group of ladies who will help you. Night night xxx

Original poster
shelleylou · 21/10/2009 23:45

thanks shabs i will do, think i have to get over the coincidence of name and what happened before i can go on there

OP posts:
kormaAAAARRRRGGHHchameleon · 21/10/2009 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
shelleylou · 21/10/2009 23:52

thanks korma

OP posts:
PrincessFiorimonde · 22/10/2009 00:18

Shelleylou, I am so sorry to hear about your brother.

I do know what it's like, as my brother died in an accident when he was 22 (I was 20). We were very close.

It's a long time ago now, but I still think of him often.

As in your case, anger was foremost among my early feelings (as with your brother, it was someone else who caused the accident - though in his case, that person died as well).

It's not a bad thing to be angry that this has happened - it's bloody natural, and the anger may also help to drive you forward.

I am not a religious person, but I know that my brother is still in my life, in my heart and in my thoughts. Part of what has shaped my life. And he is still connected to all of us who knew and loved him.

So he is still with us.

As your brother will also always be part of your life, your family's lives, and all those whom he knew and whose lives he touched.

Have a drink and a cig (or several of both) if that helps, but most important thing is to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up over 'what ifs'.

I know it's not very mumsnetty, but xxx

Original poster
shelleylou · 22/10/2009 00:29

Sorry you have been through similar. Im 23 so very close in age to my brother aswell as in terms of our relationship.
I dont believe what they are telling us that isnt my brother. Im completly heartbroken do have some very angry moments usual one is why my brother and not the other lad who has lied to cover his own arse. I want blood still very early days in the investigation obviously but i think the other person will be charged. Only had 2 drinks tonight ran out of coke and im not going to drink straight vodka. Dread to think how many cigs ive had since monday, even asked my brother for a fag infront of my parents and walked down the road with mum having one.

I'm going to keep buying the paper so i can cut out the bits on my brother and put in a box so i have them and so my ds can know what happened when the time comes. Going to try find a nice book prefrably with a motorbike one to take to the do that some of his friends are organising and ask them all to write a memory/shared joke of/with my brother in. Dont want a book of condolences want a bookfull of memries.

thanks

OP posts:
PrincessFiorimonde · 22/10/2009 00:51

I think your idea of a book of memories is a lovely one.

Sorry if my previous post was a bit premature in terms of suggesting 'your brother will always be in your heart' - it is true, but probably not quite what you want to hear right now when you're in the raw, angry first stages of shock.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by 'I dont believe what they are telling us that isnt my brother'. Perhaps that he wouldn't have got on the back of the bike with an inexperienced rider? If you think there is anything remotely dodgy about how the 'friend' has described the accident, then of course you must pursue this.

I know this sounds impossible, but do try to get a little sleep - you need your energy for DS, your parents and DBs, and also for yourself to cope with tomorrow.

Remember that loads of people are looking out for you, in real life and on this forum.

Original poster
shelleylou · 22/10/2009 01:46

as ive said my brothers always been my guardian angel and he will never be forgotton.
just inconsistancies in whats been said and knowing my brother.

Ive taken a sleeping pill dont kow how long they take to kick in no leaflet in with them

OP posts:
shabbapinkfrog · 22/10/2009 12:14

Stupid, stupid question but how are things today? xxx

Original poster
shelleylou · 22/10/2009 19:40

very hard, tried to find something suitable for his funeral but nothing seamed right. Too low or fancy so just looked awful either on hanger or me. I do have a suit but its not me iykwim my db would know that.
A friend that works at the paper has told me she will ensure that the ammendments to yesterdays article will be put in the paper. Also told me that reporters have tried finding my family to see if we wanted anything to say about him that will go into the paper. We have decided we will and I am going to ring in the morning and tell them.
Friends have organised a memorial do for him and i have some details of that so will be going.

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peterpansmum · 22/10/2009 19:41

Hi Shelleylou, Am so sorry about your brother.

My son died very suddenly in March this year aged 2 and like shabs says its a very difficult road ahead but with support you will get there.

I just wanted to say that some of my friends arranged a 'happy memories' book and in order for people to 'get' the idea a few of them wrote in it first to share their funny/happy/crazy stories and memories before they let it loose on other friends and families at his funeral and afterwards.

Much love and strength to you and yours xx

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