Gareth and Matthews thread for bereaved Mummies - the special thread where the light bulb at the end of the tunnel is always lit xx

[shabbapinkfrog]

So pleased that we are all here helping each other walk the 'crappy' path xxxx

I hope you feel better very quickly
xxx

Welcome ziggymama crap you have to be here but welcome nonetheless.

Hope everyone feels ok and that shabs you managed to get a decent nights sleep.

I feel like I'm going slightly mad. People keep telling me I seem like I'm doing well. Can they not see?

Felix seems like a distant dream, I'm even tormenting myself over whether the photos we have of him are actually him - I just don't remember him well enough(the midwife couldn't find the ones taken immediately after his birth so another midwife took more and sent them to us after I was discharged)

I wanted all the drugs to take the pain away but wish I hadn't been so out of it because then I'd remember.

Moring folks.

Hi, Ziggy - sorry you jave to be here, but welcome nonetheless.

Shabs - hope you are ok, love.

Tink - I've come to the conclusion that people only see what they want to see, love. They don't really want to know that your world has crashed down and you wish you could die too.. they are happy wih a 'im fine' because that means they have done their bit and asked... or am i being too cynical? When Ciaran died, i felt that i'd been made of glass, and that i was shattered into a million pieces, and that someone had then painted me on the outside... and i looked ok... but inside i'd never be what i was before, and no one could see that. They would tell me how brave i was, or what an inspiration... but they didn't have a fucking clue.

Oops... sorry.. little rant there

Morning girls. xx

Morning Dee, how are you doing?

I think we've all been there Tink. People would say how well you are coping, but you just want to scream 'no I am dieing inside, but if I admit that I will fall to pieces and I don't think I'll ever recover.'

Take your time ziggy. Like I said before, talk as little or as much as you want to. And even if lurking gives you some comfort, then so be it

Good morning all x

Tink , I wanted to slap people very hard when they told me how well I was doing . They had no idea , all they saw was a small snapshot of my day . They wreen't there at 3 in the morning and tbh most didn't want to hear the truth . I did get to a stage when I would refuse to say I was fine , instead if someone asked me how I was I would generally answer shit to shite
The other thing I wanted to slap people very hard for is when they would tell me how great I was doing and how if they lost one of their children that there is no way they would cope as well .
I know they didn't mean it but it always made it sound like they would care about their child more than I cared about Harry .

In fact I did spend quite a long time wanting to slap people very hard

Rant over sorry , how is everyone doing this morning ?

Good morning all.

Tinkerbelle, I know exactly what you mean about feeling like your son was a dream. I look around sometimes & feel I am genuinely in a parallel reality & that my dreams, where my family is once more intact, is the 'real' reality. Think I might be slightly deranged This has improved/changed with the arrival of our new little one (prob due to sleep deprivation not any great psychological leap forward!)We try v hard to keep DS3 as a real part of the family, but it's hard as time goes by cos people think you should 'move on' (to where?)

Dee, your shattered glass analogy is just right - do you think some people want us to be constantly in tears so that they can do something to help? I don't mean that unkindly - I just think that people have no idea what to say or do so come out with stuff about being brave. Mind you, when I have cried in public, it still wasn't the 'right' thing to do. Sigh...

Thank you, QuickStep, for your welcome. I'll try not to lurk too much without contributing After my little boy's accident, we had a terrible experience with the local press so I am v wary about putting details on a public forum (altho no-one would be interested now & I'll get over it eventually I'm sure)

TW I find virtual slapping v therapeutic

Shabba, I hope you feel better this morn.

Must go - little boy calling.

Morning Ziggy - the press are pains in the arses aren't they? We had two from MENews who pretended to be detectives to get in the house and then were only interested about who was my sons daddy? Is he the same man? Are you married? Has he other children? WTF????

morning girls hugs to everyone,it is shit when you cant tell people how you feel ,even now people change subject so quickly,except couple of real mates.
dd2 may be coming back home next month,as decided she wants to buy rather than rent so have to clear her room which ive filled with girls bits

Hi. Can't believe the cheek of those journalists! Hope you got rid of them sharpish! Our story got to the press because one of the parents at the school I taught at (& my boys went to) worked for the local rag & took the story to her editor. It felt like a real betrayal. I only found out it was her because the area editor let slip how they'd got details of where my children were at school. They even tried to publish details of DS2's heart condition (to make our family even more tragic...) & that was the only thing I got blocked by the Press Complaints Commission. It was a rubbish story anyway cos they had no quotes from anyone, no pictures, just conjecture, but it shows what they think sells papers. I hate the idea of people saying 'aww, what a shame' without knowing that we're not a family 'blighted by tragedy' or whatever other nonsense they wrote or implied.

Hi all,

Tink I'm joining the throng of folk who know what you mean about other people's observations/comments. I get asked a lot at the moment as I get back into work, I've taken to saying that talking about Niamh is fine but almost anything else will make me cry, which is true.

I am also completely with you in the fading memory thing and I didn't have any drugs when I had Niamh as it all went too quickly. Every week feels like I am moving further away from her, I am distraught that I can't remember what it felt like to hold her anymore.

Morning girls xx

Good morning all x

Morning.

Can't say it's good because i've been up since 5.30.

Hi to everyone on here ? hope you don?t mind me butting in.

I have occasionally dipped into this thread before and every time my heart has gone out to all of you. I just wanted to encourage you. Our first daughter died 20 years ago, but sometimes it still feels so close. The one thing that the last 20 years have taught me is that nothing in life will compare to the grief you feel after a child dies.
Other people will flippantly say things like ?It has been the worst day, ever.? Or something like that, but I can never say that again, because I have had the worst day of my life, the worst week of my life, the worst month, the worst year. Nothing else will ever come close. You WILL survive this. You WILL come out the other side as a stronger person and your will NEVER hurt as much again as you do now, no matter what life throws at you.

Over the years we have gone through other tough times, but we always compare it to the day our daughter died and it puts it all into perspective . We have had a business go bankrupt, nearly lost our home, DD4 has had major surgery and spent 5 days in intensive care and DD3 has been seriously ill, amongst other things. None of it easy, but we could always say that we had coped with worse and survived, so we would survive again.

I remember the first time I laughed after Emma died. I felt so guilty and it took ages for me to be able to smile and laugh and feel easy about it. Please believe me though, it does get easier. And you will get to a point when you can smile again. You will learn to live with the massive gap that you are feeling now. Nothing ever fills that gap, no matter how many children you have (I have 5 more now!!), But that is a special space in your life that is just for the child that is no longer in your arms.

It is great that you can support each other on here and I am sure you all find comfort in this. Only someone who has gone through this nightmare can truly understand how you feel.

Big hugs to you all and take one step at a time.

Thanks for that positive, your words mean a lot. Especially about the gap being a special space.

So sorry about your darling Emma though, it sounds like she has a very special mum.

Much love to you xxx

ps please sticka round if you fancy it.

positive - thats a good name for you - your words rang bells in my mind...its been 27 years and 17 years for me and every word you spoke is the absolute truth. So very sorry to hear about your Emma - she will always hold her own 'special' place in your family and in your heart xxxxx

Hello positive - that is just one of the most lovely, real, comforting and from the heart posts i've read so thank you xx

So sorry about your Emma, but I think Iliketo has summed it up well - she's got one very special mummy in you

I'm only 6 months down this awful road but you're so right about the perspective it throws on life. I hear other mums say how exhausted they are cause their little ones have had themselves up since half past five - oh to swop their tough days with one of mine just for one day (not that i'd EVER wish our sorts of pain on anyone else you understand)

I have been trying to find the emotional energy to call work this week and kept feeling like such a failure because i just couldn't make that call. Anyway, last night I managed to email my team leader to say i'd like to meet and given him dates/times that'd work for me so fingers crossed i get a positive response.

Hello Ziggy and welcome although as the others have said it's just the worst reason to be here, much love to you xx

Hiya Tink, Dee is absolutely spot on - others see what they can cope with seeing or indeed what they want to see. And TW's answer to the 'how are you' made me chuckle - I've done something similar a few times and you just see them run for cover like that's not what she's supposed to say!!

Have a good day everyone xx

hi girls,its suprising how many people run for the hills, hope you get news you want ppm ,i find my work keeps me sane ,but i come home and scream and rant.
my fil has been ill for a while and i arranged a birthday party at weekend in nice hotel,gave everyone six weeks notice ,and only three turned up out of five,
my bil has sold his place in scotland so cancelled friday.my sil said she couldnt make it, but fil had said he was glad he could attend his own wake jokingly and sil then called off.
hes been battling bowel cancer for eighteen months now,and has been in renal failure twice,and both times it has been touch and go ,but battling on.
i excuse bil ,but hey all three of mine came with partners and i was proud mum

Evening girls xx

evening shabs

evening all, had a shitty day today, poor dd got growled at by me more than she really deserved probably. Hoping she is young enough not to remember the bad days.

Planning on trying playgroup tomorrow (children services stay and play thing), first time since Niamh was born, just haven't been able to face all those sympathetic faces ....

Ooohhh wooly - me and you both darling - come on 'put your leg in bed' (my mums words for linking someone) lets have a wander xxxxxx

Morning girls xx

Good morning all x

Woolyjo , I hope you have a better day today , good luck with the playgroup .

hazy , I would have been a very proud mum too , well done them .