all
Frasersmummy I have moaned consistently on here since I joined you all, I never write anything that's not a moan so do not apologise!
right, I think you are normal. I know that for you it has been longer, whereas I am on month 4 or 5, but I go through patches of being distracted and then suddenly break down all over again. Recently has been hell for me, just silly things, a couple days ago there was a newspaper article about transplant ops and as L had 2 liver transplants before she died, I burst into tears at the supermarket checkout while waiting in line. Next thing I was mooching in front of tv achieving nothing and watching ET.. well, seeing ET ill... made me burst into tears..and then I had these horrendous flashbacks of L's illness and I remembered events like her last night at home, when I thought she was well, she was asleep in her cot and I was watching a film til 1am.. and a few days before she died she had a cardiac arrest while I changed her nappy and was then about to be intubated and the anaesthetist said' oh mum would you like to come and kiss her' and her face had tears streaming down it, and she looked so scared and fragile.. but I stayed at the back of the room and said no, she'll be ok... and then images of her gasping for her last breath when she was taken off the ventilator, etc etc
I know I sound like a raving lunatic, but there isn't a day that goes by without the pain and the realisation all over again. Like I said I am only a few months in, I guess, but these are things that will stay with me forever. I know now that I will never ever be over this, and the pain just seems to come in waves.. sometimes the tide is out for a bit and then crash a massive wave of tears and regret and shock and anger and disbelief hits all over again.
I would say, having previous experience of ADs but none at present, that perhaps you aren't on the best ones for you. If they aren't 'helping' ie numbing you sufficiently, perhaps slowly reduce the dose with medical guidance and go for some much more attentive talking therapy, be it specialist counselling or therapy in some form or another. I think you need to talk about Fraser, a lot, and I think you should be able to, and maybe it will start to help a little.
About the DM thing, I'd be utterly horrified if anything I had written on this thread were to be published, so, don't publish it if you're reading it! Or at least get consent. I think sensitive threads, regarding bereavement or disability or likewise, where emotions can run raw and high, and identities are often wished to be kept anonymous, should remain private.
For example, my situation would make me very rare and recognisable, L's transplants and death and the timing thereof and her age mean anyone would know who I was and I don't think I'd want 'other' people reading my true feelings about it (especially if they read the daily mail tee hee )