All those who have lost babies "ALWAYS LOVED NEVER FORGOTTEN"

[RTKangaMummy]

SANDS have sent me an "ALWAYS LOVED NEVER FORGOTTEN" order form

They are YELLOW WRISTBANDS they are £2 each.

They have "ALWAYS LOVED NEVER FORGOTTEN" written on them I think

IMHO they are a lovely way to remind others of our babies.

It will also raise money for preventing more babies dying.

We are going to buy some for us and our family and friends in memory of DT1.

If anyone else is interested I can give more info off the sheet.

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I have 2 beautiful DDs (first baby was a girl too) and they bring me more joy than I ever thought I was capable of feeling, and more than I feel I deserve given the tradgedy of all those years ago. I suffer hugely from guilt, as her death was caused directly as a result of my inaction to face up to my predicament and fear at the time, and could never place myself within the realms of those grief stricken mothers here whose babies were so wanted and so missed.

But the birth of my two subsequent DDs has made me realise the true and full extent of my guilt and grief.

catbert, there soundslike a lot of unfinished business there, have you ever had any counselling for thisat all?

no. A short time back I wrote the entire story down. Took a few hours, and many tears. It was quite liberating. But shocked me when I re-read it. Like it was something that happened to someone else. Couldn't quite believe it was me that I was reading about. Weird.

Anyway - I have thought about councelling off and on, but TBH, I have dealt with it all reasonably well over the years, and although there are times when things happen that cause me to think about it all, and it still makes me sad - I don't think any amount of councelling could or ever should stop that happening IYKWIM.

The fact of the matter is that I carry an amount of guilt around with me, but no amount of anyone every saying "oooh - don't blame yourself... blah blah" is ever going to take that away. And I feel like counselling would be like picking at the scar and making it bleed again, rather than being helpful.

I like to think I have taken all the lessons that could have been learnt from such an experience as mine, and have learnt to feel comfortable with it as being a fundamental part of the pattern of the fabric of life which I have woven for myself. One of the greatest things I have done for myself is to get over the "secrecy" part of it all which was part of the aftermath for a long time. Although to share the story burdens the listener with feelings of sadness which I don't often wish to inflict upon someone else (and detest pity, but understand its part in the whole thing) and so it's not something I bring up in everyday conversation. Sometimes however, it does come to the surface, and I let it. Then, as I have often described it, I place the memories back in the box on top of the wardrobe of my mind, not so close that I knock it every time I visit there, but not so far out of reach that I cannot collect it back down to rifle through again when the need arises.

I have started to waffle now. Apologies for hijacking this thread.

firstly, you did not hijack this thread..rest assured.
secondly, I do understand your thoughts on your forst baby, I buried my grief and guilt about my stillborn son for many years until having ds2 in march 2001 brought it all bubbling uncontrollably to the surface, it manifested it sef in an obssessive compulsive disorder reargind cleanliness, worries over ds2 until I became very ill and had to have pschcotherapy and cbt, I finally laid my sons ghost to rest and moved forwardm dont get me wrong I still feel guilty and I still think of him, how old he would have been etc, but I live with it rather than it haunting me now. No Im not going to tell you not to blame yourself, i dont think you should but me telling you not to do it wont stop you. I dont know the circumstances but I am very sorry for your tragic loss{{{hugs}}}how old are your dd's?

apologies for typos, keyboard is so worn out cant see the letters anymore!

Nearly three (in July) and 14 months...

Thanks for the chat - it makes me feel really part of the board when that happens, I don't post as frequently as I would like! And I am so sorry for your losses. Especially as one was so recent. Hugs back...

catbert mine are 13.5, 11, 4 and 9 months, give your lovely dd's a big hug i always find that makes me feel a bit better.(however elder 2 run away now when i try to cuddle them)

May I ask if any of you have advice for coping with a subsequent pregnancy after losing a baby? I am finding this pregnancy much more difficult than I had anticipated, especially now that they have spotted a potential problem. Even though chances are everything will be fine, I am convinced that we will be the 1 in 100/1000 or whatever, just as we were last time.
Apologies if this is off-thread - I am fairly new to mumsnet so not quite sure of the right was to go about things.

mrsdarcy, no i didnt have any advice with regard to my subsequent preg with dd1, and spent the whole preg in a state worrying frantically and ended up having to have counselling. Im soory to hear about your worries with your current preg do you mind if I ask what the prob might be?

Part of the baby's brain is bigger than it should be. I am having a foetal MRI scan next week and we have also been offered amnio which we have declined for the time being (I'm 27 weeks). We might have amnio in about a month, when the baby would have a better chance of coping with a premature labour (there's a 1% chance of it rupturing my membranes). In the absence of any further problems, we have a 85% chance of things being fine and a 15% chance of a neurological problem. If the problem isn't isolated it could be any of a terrifying list of problems, from chromosomal problems (eg Downs, Edwards) to serious neurological problems. At the moment, we just don't know.

Medically, it has nothing to do with our daughter's death last year - she died in utero at 19 weeks and a post mortem and tests on me didn't reveal the cause. I just can't believe that lightning could strike twice like this but am finding it very difficult to be positive about it.

I have posted on the July babies thread but don't want to dampen everyone's excitement and I'm not sure it's the appropriate place to post.

oh god what a dreadful thing to have hanging over you, did they pick it up at the 20 week scan?, will the mri be able to give you more answers etc??{{{hugs}}} a bout your other little one i lost mine 4 weeks ago at 16 weeks.

note; that 85% is more than 15% so you still stand a greater chance of things turning out ok.

mrsd my one and only sucessful pg was spent in a state of complete and utter panic. At 37 weeks a student midwife discovered dd to be breach at 38 weeks normal MW confirmed not like what you are going through but i remeber the worry At 15 weeks we decided to have no tests only scans because we felt no matter what after 6 losses that our baby would be meant to be whatever adn we could cope I hope it all works out for you 85% is good

Gothicmama - 6 losses sounds just horrific. I'm not surprised you were anxious throughout the successful pregnancy.

Spacecadet - I'm very sorry about your baby. You must still feel very raw about it. Do you know why it happened or did you chose not to investigate further? I do hope you're getting plenty of support at such a horrible time, as the sadness is just overwhelming isn't it? I know a lot of the miscarriage support is aimed more at earlier losses, and for my part I was bashful about calling SANDS (although the 1 time I did they were wonderful). I do hope you're not facing it alone. I spent all of last summer trying not to think about how advanced the pregnancy should be and dreading the due date.

Our 85% is best case scenario, but only so long as there is nothing else the matter. That's what the MRI and amnio would seek to establish. So I can't even really cling onto 85% as that is based on incomplete information and comes with a huge proviso. The 20 weeks scan was fine. It was picked up as a possibllity at 23 weeks and confirmed at 25 weeks. I am kicking myself for going through with the extra scans as I was planning to stop having them. My consultant offered them from the beginning of the pregnancy solely to reassure me and now she feels horrible that instead of being reassured I am a total nutcase!

If we have the amnio it will be just so we know what we have to face, or else set our minds at rest. I am already scared about labour, as my last labour was to deliver my poor dead baby, and I couldn't bear going through labour fearful that this baby will have something terrible wrong with it. I would rather be prepared.

Hi MrsDarcy (may I call you Lizzie ), what a worrying time for you and how well you seem to be dealing with it. My heart really goes out to you (and Catbert too, I had tears in my eyes reading what you went through ).
If it helps at all our situations sound similar in certain respects. I too lost a baby, Tom, who was induced and stillborn at 21 weeks after he was found to have died at a 20 week scan. As with you, there was no medical explanation for his death.
As we had a lot of problems conceiving him we pretty well tore up the rule book once home and to my complete shock I was pregnant again only two months later. During that pregnancy I was a nervous wreck and only kept it together thanks to bereavement counselling weekly throughout. I also experienced a "no heartbeat" scare at 16 weeks, a slapped cheek exposure at 19 weeks, and polyhydramnios at 34 weeks, which led to an increaased risk of cord prolapse so dd was born by c-section. We had also opted for no invasive screening and as I was 40 when she was born we were placed under some pressure to have it.
Anyway, none of the scares were as potentially significant as the one you are facing, but I think you will know what I mean when I say that logic and statistics don't figure largely in one's mind at these times.
I got through my pregnancy on a combination of venting on here, seeing the counsellor, who was marvellous, and really not getting on at all well with dh . All my energies went into trying to keep our older ds happy and secure - he took the circumstances of his brother's birth VERY badly.
What I can say is that despite a really awful 9 months, things are so much better for us all now and dd is a bouncy, sassy handful of nearly two.
I also know what you mean about feeling almost cheeky about contacting SANDS, I wondered many times if I "qualified" before picking up the phone. I am so glad I did, because my branch offered support for pregnancy after a loss and the befriender who contacted me, and invited me into her home a couple of times for coffee with other similarly placed mothers, was wonderful.
I would definitely recommend contacting SANDS again.
Welcome to Mumsnet. As well as supporting each other on the more serious threads, we have a lot of fun and good humour here too. I hope you will find it as helpful as I do.
Do post here as much and as often as you want, CAT me if you want to ask anything off-line, and please keep us updated about your MRI appointment. Hoping very much that it puts your mind at rest.

mrsdarcy, im just getting on with it as it were, very much the same as I did with sam 15 years ago, i was 26 weeks preg when he died, due to placental abrubtion. there appears to be no cause for my recent loss, the baby was perfect and had no defects, i have been told that it is just one of those things, however, i had fallen on the satirs a few days before hand and although the scan at the time was fine, i cant help thinking that the fall contributed.i have heard of many a time when a baby was found to have a potential problem causing defect and then was fine at birth, i hope that is the case with you, when do you go for your mri?

marina your subsequent preg sounds like my preg with dd2 last year. we had a hydatidform mole sacre at 7 weeks, several abnormal placenta, slapped cheek. scares, bleeding etc but she was fine. also mrsdarcy when I was preg with ds2 there was found to be aprob with his heart at the 20 weeks scan, they couldnt find 1 of the chambers and I had to go back and have the scan repeated, still they couldnt find it, I was 26 weeks preg before they gave me the all clear, those 6 weeks were hell i can tell you, i know they have told you the worst case scenario, but have they told you of the possible least case scenario? IYSWIM?

Spacecadet that sounds just awful. I am so sorry you had such a miserable time then and now Lots of love XXX

jangus, I'm just catching up on the latest posts on this thread and saw yours about your SIL. You are not being hateful, she is being very insensitive. I am so sorry

As a Moderator I have just copied this thread to Justine and Carrie and co to see what if anything they can sort with SANDS and Carolyn to "formalise" promoting the wristbands and SANDS Awareness Week.

I hope no-one (well certainly not on this thread but you never know in the wider context) minds any of us actively promoting SANDS and their work in this way. It is just such a good cause and I'd think the same even if I hadn't been in a position to be so grateful for their publications and services.

wow, what a powerful thread. I have just printed my order form for the wristbands will be getting a few, probably in the hope that my family will want to share them with me.
I have had 2 m/c's one 12 weeks ago and another 3 weeks ago. I thought i was managing my grief quite well until i read this and the tears started flowing. I am so sorry for everyones loss. I am feeling so mad at the world at the moment, we shouldn't be going through all this heartache.

CP3 - i have followed your lead and bought 2 rose trees, which have already given me great relief, just watering and planting them. They had some lovely celebration ones, ours are called caring and thoughts of you. Can't wait for them to flower.

Jangus - I would write a polite but to the point letter explaining to your SIL that you are very pleased for her but that she has been very thoughless etc. at least then you wil have a chance to sort things out. maybe she will realise then that although she doesn't have to not mention her pregnancy to you, that she could perhaps be a bit more tactful when talking about it.

RTKM - i am so sorry for the loss of your twin, i can't imagine how you are feeling at this time, but my thoughts are with you.

{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}} cyberhugs to all of you on this thread.

Thanks for your kind thoughts

mrsdarcy I can't imagine the stress and pain of what you are going though.

Really hope mumsnet put an advert on the home page or along the top of the page about the wristbands or SANDS awareness week. But I do understand that they may be inundated with everyone else asking for breast cancer or anti racism or others who do wristbands wanting adverts for free.

Marina, i am still hurting for my baby, i should have been 21 weeks gone now and know thAT when my due date comes i will be devastated, dh actually told me last night that he doesnt know if he can bear it if we dont try again, i dont know what to think i have meneieres disease and also we have 4 lovely children, maybe I should just be thankful for my lot eh?

Hi all,
We'll give Carolyn a shout to see how we can help with the awareness week. Thanks for raising it and Marina for getting in contact.
J, C, R and JJ

Justine Thank you so much

That will be great

RTKM

Rebeccasmummy

Thanks for letting me know that DS can wear a wristband without being rediculously too big.