Harry's thread for bereaved mums , Wether its a hand to hold or a shoulder to cry on we are all here one for all and all for one .

[travellingwilbury]

Many thanks to ILike for passing on the baton to myself and Harry . I know we are a bit previous but I am worried I will get the timing wrong .

I feel like I have only been here a wee while but it is invaluable to me .

This is a poem that has helped me in the past .

I have not turned my back on you
So there is no need to cry.
I'm watching you from heaven
Just beyond the morning sky.

I've seen you almost fall apart
When you could barely stand.
I asked an angel to comfort you
And watched her take your hand.

She told me you are in more pain
Than I could ever be.
She wiped her eyes and swallowed hard
Then gave your hand to me.

Although you may not feel my touch
Or see me by your side.
I've whispered that I love you
While I wiped each tear you cried.

So please try not to ache for me
We'll meet again one day.
Beyond the dark and stormy sky
A rainbow lights the way.

Sounds like an infection - 2 of my four boys have been very 'prone' to infections of the willy!!! My GP reckons its because they always have their hands somewhere close to their willies!!!! My eldest DS will go mad if he reads this

I've just got an appointment for 9.50, so have stcuk boyo in bath in the hope that it'll ease it. Bless him, John Wayne has nowt on him!!!

Can he do a wee? Matt got an infection of the willy when he was about 2 years old. He couldnt wee!!! I rang the duty doctor because, as always, it was about 2am. It was my normal GP and he took one look at my face and drove us himself to our local Childrens hospital. Caused a bit of a stir because they dont have an A&E department

Matts willy was massive and kind of almost inside out - TMInformation I hear you say!! They gave him anti-biotics and kept him there for about 24 hours until he did a wee.
He didnt want to come home because it was Easter Sunday and all the wards had been given massive Easter eggs for all the patients

notice how I love the word 'willy?'

morning girls and good look dee today,im sure you will be fine ,and hope they give you support you need for boyo.

morning all!
lighthouse, i didnt realise you lost noah to SID, i too lost erin to cotdeath, she was 13 days old.

good luck today to deemented, i hope your little is out of pain soon,get down the doctors and demand an appointment

we have my DP brother and family coming down from edinburgh for the weekend, so i ambusy cleaning, and cal and tommy are busy following me and wrecking it

all have a good day x

travelling, thanks for the welcome.

dee-good luck today, and also hope boyo is ok. Did you find out what was the matter?

lighthouse, so sorry for your loss of little Noah. Glad you were able to mark the day. I think it is so important to mark both their birthdays as well as the day we lost them. Something I have began doing is sending a balloon up into the sky over the last couple of years to mark the day, it is my present to my little ones. I write their names on the balloons and put a message for each of them inside it. I know it might sound stupid, but it is comforting to me. I too love the song tears in heaven, it is such a beautiful song, and it is so nice you have marked that as Noahs song. I am sure it keeps the bond between you no matter how much time goes by.

The song that is close to my heart, and I had played at the twins funeral is "here www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZCmct2eZDg" I also had "this song www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5dSwVLPCXQ"

lighthouse...saw your pics, Noah was beautiful, and your daughter is gorgeous. You must be so proud of her and your family.

Dee, how is your little boy doing? Hope the docs have been able to treat him. Also how was the meeting?

GM - I hadn't realised you lost Erin to SIDS. I was shocked to hear she was only 13 days old, I'd heard it's most common between 2 and 6 months. Had she been premature? Noah was born at 37 weeks and weighted 6lb 10oz and was putting on weight and was in good health.

Melissa, thats so lovely what you said about the balloons.

Hope everyone is okay.

lighthouse, she was 2 weeks early, but born at 6lb 12 oz and was putting weight on nicely, in fact the midwife saw her the day before she died and was pleased with her progress.
i will never forget my DPs scream when he found her, i had got up. i tried to resusitate her until the ambulance gor ther, god it was awful, but you dont need to be told that!
i have put a photo of her on my profile, quite brave of me i think

hope this thread is helping you melissa, deemented, hows your lad?
take care all xx

I didn't exactly lose Caitie to SIDS but it was similar, it went down as 'unexplained neonatal collapse' - she was only hours old when I found her not breathing (she'd been asleep...) and she was resusitated and taken to SCBU, but she'd obviously been unconscious quite a while and sustained brain damage such that she couldn't control her airway - five days later we took her off the vent and she died peacefully in my arms four hours later.
Caitie wasn't premature either, in fact she was term + 18 days, none of my children want to come out!
Not knowing why it happened is so strange. After the PM I said to DH that it being unexplained was better to me than a genetic thing that might happen with another baby, but he completely didn't get it and was quite angry with me.
Which brings me to SANDS - I didn't find them too helpful either, frasersmummy I guess it depends a lot on where you are and what your local group is like. I also found a lot of people seemed to be looking for something or even someone to blame (not themselves like we've been doing!) whereas I feel I have to accept I'll never know why. Oh and I had an argument with someone because they told DS she was in heaven which sounds awful, but I don't believe in God and don't want to confuse him. He can make up his own mind later!
Hope you all have good weekends, my DH is away but one of my sisters is coming to stay and keep us company

I forgot, hope boyo got on OK at the docs and is feeling a bit better, Dee. Poor wee chap xx

I hope your little one is ok Dee

Olissa I agree .. on the sands forum I found a lot of "sue the hospital" and a lot of people didnt get it when I said .. its not going to bring Fraser back

I think you were right to be annoyed at someone telling ds that dd is in heaven

Its another lesson you learn when you have lost your child unfortunately. Every parent has their own way of telling their other children about their brothers/sisters and if you dont know what that is dont go rushing in confusing the matter

God we have learnt the hard way havent we

We got compensation after Matt died....think the right words are Criminal Injuries but I could be wrong so dont quote me. It seemed a massive amount but by the time we paid all our bills off it was gone in a couple of days. I didnt want it, DH didnt want it but it got us out of our massive financial hole for a short while.

We both lost our jobs after Matt - I was made redundant and DH was 'laid off' because he couldnt stop crying at work. We didnt have the mental strength to go and claim benefits we just looked for new jobs. Within a couple of months our first and only home we have ever had a mortgage on was re-possessed. cant think about it even now.

Will never, ever, ever buy a house again unless I win the lotto. OMG our life was in such a mess in 1992 - such a pissing mess.

Hello everyone.
Doing my usual, popping my head in. I hope you are all ok. Hello to new people.

I started work this week. I havent worked since Billie was diagnosed. Its been about 5 years.

Thing is, its my perfect job and only a couple of days a week. Its with preschool children with disabilities and I know I will love it BUT - I am sharing an office with all of the children's teams. Most of them were involved in Billie's care. I actually sit next to the community nurses. There are nurses there who helped me wash Billie and dress her after she died . On my first day I walked right into her consultant who I havent seen since the week of her death. He isnt usually there, he just happened to be on my first day!

So its v.hard and I am struggling a bit. I know I can do it but why does it all have to be so complicated these days?

Sorry for the burble. I know I dont contribute much to this thread but I do keep an eye on you all . I hope you all have peaceful weekends.

lovely to see you chegirl. Not quite the same but I started working as a cleaner shortly after Gareth died at the same childrens hospital. On my rota I had the luekemia ward, the mortuary and the heart ward.....it was so difficult for weeks but I got to enjoy watching many of the children go home after their treatment. It was difficult being on the heart ward because I knew all the staff and most of the patients. Try to stick with it my darling - anybody who has personal experience in a job like yours is worth their weight in gold.

Good morning girls xx

Morning folks - sorry for not updating yesterday - real life kept me busy.

Boyo has an infection is his scrotum and penis - god knows how he got it, but he must be in pain with it as he's quite happily taking his antibiotics - he usually screams blue murder if we go anywhere near medicine. But he's ok - not in too much pain anyways.

I got on well yesterday at the Christian Lewis trust - they were lovely and have agreed to see him once a week starting next week, initially for a ten week period, with reviews on his progress every four weeks and a view to extending it beyond the ten weeks if needed. I am so sodding relieved i can't tell you. I'm not expecting miricles, and i'm not nieve enough to think tnhat the loss of his daddy and nana won't have had any effect on him whatsoever, i just want a little bit of my little boy back, is all.

I too found SANDS quite hard to deal with at times... it was almost a competition of sorts to see who could grieve the hardest/longest... It seemed people were too absorbed in their own grief to be able to help anyone else. I make them sound awful, and they weren't really all that bad... but i hope you guys know what i mean.

And i can so relate to wanting to find answers - i spent the first two years after Ciaran's death trying to find out an answer to the WHY questions - Why him? Why us? and then i read something that made so much sense to me....

'It's not about finding the answers... it's about learning to live with the questions..'

And once i understood that... then they Why questions didn't seems as important anymore, yunno?

Morning Dee. Such fantastic news about Boyo - so glad you have got someone to listen. Believe me, from personal experience, you will see big changes in him. He will be exhausted every time he has finished a 'session' and will cry BUT thats what he needs to start feeling better.

Also glad you got the 'willy' problems sorted

Yip deemented.. thats its exactly.. its learning to live with the questions

easier said than done though isnt it???

dee...I really like that quote you put...I have heard versions of it before, but not the one you put. Glad to hear your little guy is ok, and that you were able to organise some help for him, I hope it will be an assistance to you both in the long run.

Morning to all of you, hope your having a good weekend

olissa, what an awful 5 days for you, then holding her until she died.god, i cant imagine the hell you and DP went through.

we were put in touch with FSID after erin died, but it was the weekend so was an answerphone, course, you dont grieve at weekends.
we eventually were rang by a befriender after 4 weeks, which is one of the main reasons we started the help group.

hope you all have a good weekend.

its really sad that at some of us have turned to sands and other support groups in our hour of need and found them unwilling or unable to help.

Think that the problem is that organisations like Compassionate Friends etc are mainly run by volunteers - other bereaved parents. I have done my turn of being the other person on the end of the telephone and it is such a hard job. Your first reaction is to say 'I know just how you feel....when I lost my child....'

I rang Samaritans once when I was lower than a snakes belly. The bloke on the other end was as much use as a chocolate teapot. He had this soothing 'you are getting sleepy' voice and kept asking me 'How can I help?' When I explained to him about the boys he almost fell apart!!

shabster ..

I know what you are saying but I cant imagine you trying to be more sad than the person calling you. You would tell your story to show that you had been at the begining of this journey too and were now still on the journey but much further along it. Then you would say something like.. so there is nothing you feel I havent.. you go right ahead and say what you like I will listen and wont be shocked (unless I have you all wrong after a year of talking to you on line )

I called a girl in my work who had lost her little girl and I never got a word in for an hour ... she was a befriender!!!

anyway talking of letting others get a word in edgeways I will shut up ..