Cole's thread for bereaved muumies: like the sands on the beach that never wash away. I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.

[ILikeToMoveItMoveIt]

Welcome to our santuary and haven ladies.

Many thanks for Frasersmummy for passing the baton onto Cole and I. I am touched and hope I can do all our lo's justice.

For any people wanting to join, don't be shy. We cry, we rant, we smile, we laugh - whatever we feel like we need to do.

FGS - what a crock of shit poo!

I know.......I am now going to round my friends children up and take them out in the snow.....................

Evening ladies...everybody ok? Our snow from last night has disappeared but its snowing again!!! Roll on the Summer x

Evening Shabs , all ok here , no new snow here yet but on its way apparently .

Sorry your meeting was cancelled Lottie .

I am still tired , we had people round on sat and I didn't get to bed till after 4 I am getting far too old for this malarkey . Great fun had by all though

Hi Everyone,

Have had lots of snow here down South! DH couldn't get into London this morning, he got as far as Basingstoke before the train was cancelled and had to come back! DD loved the snow and we made a snow man once back from preschool this afternon which looks remarkably like Gonzo from the Muppet Show!

Hope you are all doing okay. xx

HI all.. its been snowing here on and off all day with rain and sun in between so there's not much lying

our london people were all working from home today .. lucky sods .. though they didnt think so when they didnt know how to connect to the office

tell me girls... is this train of thought normal given that I lost Fraser almost 5 years ago

when my mum was taken into hospital dad said trust that God will look after her he wont let anything happen and I wanted to scream God let Fraser die...

i've just found out my mum has been keeping stuff from me and has to go back into hospital and my brother said doctors dont take risks .. they are too frightened something will go wrong .. they always err on the side of caution.

I am ashamed to say .. I lost it and said well they didnt err on the side of caution with Fraser.. they took risks and look what happened ..he was stunned into silence

is this train of thought rational or is it a sign that I never realy got over it and should be looking for help?? please be honest

Awww FMammy - I think it is both things to be honest. I dont know how we come to terms with loosing our precious, precious children. I am more 'settled' with loosing Gareth (but it has been 27 years this year) but as for Matt.........well I just cant do it. I cant begin to think about it - its too hard.

I cant see what a counsellor could do more than we do for each other on our thread. A psychiatrist, I think, is a different matter. I would like to be hypnotised (by a professional) and regressed....Oh sweetheart this is so difficult. All our hopes our dreams and our future seems to have gone somehow....even though rationally we know it hasnt it is just too hard. Keep talking on here...I will do anything I can to help xx

Good night God Bless girls xx

Morning girls xx

Morning xx

Morning everyone.

Schools all closed here today. Dreading today as we have Noah's inquest this afternoon. Just phoned to check its still going ahead. xx

Am thinking of you lighthouse and sending you big hugs.............{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

OMG Lighthouse - we waited six months for Matts inquest. I have to say that it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. The Coroner gave us the chance to leave the room before the Doctor explained Matts injuries but we decided to stay. The only thing I can remember him saying is his opening line 'I was asked to examine the body of Matthew and immediately found him to be a well nourised and cared for little boy.....' I was so relieved with those few words. I had convinced myself by this point that I was the person driving the lorry!!! I dont even have a driving licence but I needed someone to blame.

I will be with you in spirit my love...remember, nothing can hurt you more than the loss of Noah - nothing at all. You will get 'closure' today - whatever the bloody hell closure is. Will light my candle today for precious Noah and for all your family. Take care xxx

Lighthouse , I will be thinking of you and Matt today . We did have an inquest for Harry but it was just a formailty and we didn't go . It was done within a couple of weeks of him going and we were told by a friend who worked with the coroner that we wouldn't be able to say anything so I didn't want to go . Can I ask what time it is ?

Shabs I can imagine the relief of hearing those words . I was pathetically pleased that the two policeman that came to our house said how they could tell just by looking around that he was obviously well loved and looked after . The guilt and blame we immediately take on board takes a long time to wane . I would have quite happily been carted off to prison in those early days as the blame was just too much . Like you say you need to blame someone and I was the easiest .

Sorry Lighthouse I am a plonk of course I meant Noah and not Matt . I was thinking too much of what Shabs had just said about Matts inquest .

Frasers mummy , I think the way you are feeling is completely normal (not sure how much of a reassurance that is from me )

I used to always be the one holding someones hand and saying "It will be fine " now we know that actually sometimes it bloody isn't and that is a hard thing to lose . I don't know why but when I was 5 yrs down this crappy road I started having a lot of blips and needed a bit more support .

TW - I have had the same 'blips' over the last couple of years.....I think at first I was running around like a madwoman, caring for everyone else, trying to campaign for road safety etc etc etc. As life has gone on I feel I need more help now than ever before

Its when you stop isn't it ? If you are busy then there isn't much time to do all the thinking . Thats why its good to be able to come on here and have a chat about it . I do have friends who would listen but its just not quite the same .

Really agree with your words TW - the 'lucky people' who are not walking our crappy path will never, ever, be able to fully understand xxx I better get up and running - as my dear boy used to advise 'Im going to grab today by the balls and shake it!!'

FM - I think it is totally normal. And tbh I think it's an attitude to have even if you haven't suffered a loss through medical negligance. When Cole became ill I had never really been in or experienced a hospital environment before, and right from the start the Drs and nurses had to gain our respect and trust, it wasn't automatically given.

Yes I do believe on the whole that the medical establishment err on the side of caution, however there are always instances when things are over looked or missed. So when a loved one is in somebody else's hands, then I am constantly behind them making sure things have been done.

Because your experience is so catastrophic then I wouldn't expect you to feel any different from what you do. Why would it be? How can an unnecessary loss like that be justified? Well it can't can it?

Big {{{{{ HUGS }}}}} for you.

And big {{{{{ HUGS }}}}} to you too Lighthouse. I'll be thinking of you today. Such a big day for you all. Hopefully knowing the results will be another hurdle jumped. At least the waiting around for the results will be over.

Oh Shabs, I can't believe you're so diddy! I'm nearly a foot taller than you. Infact, I think I saw you in a film the other day, it was called The Borrowers

When Jack died..we didnt get asked to the post mortem i dont think but the gynaecologist[sp] had a meeting with my late dh and i and discussed everything...when i got pregnant with Wilf he was super and saw me every two weeks!!

Move it - cheeky bugger!!

lighthousekeeper thinking of you today,big hug,it was dreaded with us,ten months after jayden had gone,because of a inquest on a prisoner took over the court for a few weeks,they were lovely ,only me and dh went as dd had just given birth.
they gave us a chance to talk,were lovely,only thing is bloody reporters there.

Thank you so much ladies.

TW - its at 2.30. Like you and Shabs say it is such a comfort to be able to come here and be amongst friends that truely understand.

We also find out what primary school DD will be going to in September (today of all days!) Am not going to open the letter until later on this afternoon once it is over. Can't deal with the thought of DD not getting into our chosen school on top of this!