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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My DH has died

218 replies

squidgemum · 20/11/2008 19:31

My beautiful DH died in my arms on Saturday aged 37, after an 18 month battle with cancer. I'm left with a 3 year old and a 1 month old ... and I still can't believe I am writing these words. I know some other MNetters have been through this too as I've been lurking for a while - Martianbishop, retiredgoth, onlyjoking, evenstar ... are you there? I've been reading your posts for months now (ever since he was declared terminal) but never had the courage to post before, but I know that you and others will know what I'm going through - the shock, the fear of the future, and some relief that the cruel disease is no longer a constant shadow in the house .. Tell me - is there any light at the end of the tunnel?

OP posts:

Evenstar · 24/11/2008 23:01

Have sent you a CAT squidgemum, just to answer a couple of questions. I wrote DH's eulogy, but my mother read it out, we gave the vicar another copy so that he could take over if it was too much. I haven't been to a social event yet with WAY but have used the forum and it is very helpful to have a chat on there, as Yorkiegirl says people understand.

DadInsteadofMum · 25/11/2008 13:00

SM, I know what you mean about being busy, but I found that it was the business that kept me going throught he first week

re WAY - every meet I have been invited to seems to be in a pub or restaurant, no church halls. And as Yorkiegirl says it is about being around the right people, people who understand where you are, can talk to you if you want to, but also talk about all sorts of stuff if you don't and understand that too.

I am a frequent visitor to the chatroom and all sorts of stuff gets discussed there, from Xfactor to football , and how people are feeling and coping.

With regards to the eulogy, I knew I wouldn't be able to say much, I said a few lines (just) and then the vicar took over (planned). A few people had stuff to say and the vicar asked for notes of all so that if necessary he could take over and complete.

Lot of people on here thinking of you.

myfriendflicka · 25/11/2008 17:37

Squidgemum, I am really sorry to hear that this has happened to you. I hope you have lots of people around you to help with all the funeral arrangements - it can feel overwhelming and people's support can be invaluable to lift the burden from you a little.
My partner died a year ago. I was like you and dreaded the funeral, but I organised it with friends and family (it was non religious) and found I was able to deliver the speech I wanted to about my partner. You could find you are stronger than you think. There will be a lot of love around you holding you up.

shatteredmumsrus · 25/11/2008 17:55

Im so sorry for your loss. Please take any help in any form that is offered to you. Your children will be an enormous strength to . He was so young and I cant imagine how you feel but I send all my love and thoughts xxx

yorkiemom · 25/11/2008 18:31

Squidgemum, I am really sorry to hear this has happened to you.
I lost my dad to cancer in September, and know how horrible the end can be.
I just wanted to send you lots of love and strenght xxx

TheGreatScootini · 25/11/2008 18:42

Sorry to hear of your loss Squidgemum.Thinking of you.And all of you that have lost someone.

Blandmum · 25/11/2008 20:56

RE doing the eulogy.

Read it aloud to yourself several times, if you do that it helps to 'brace' you agains some of the pain, you know what you will be saying next, so it sdoesn't come as a shock.

I also said quite a lot that was funny. Dh was a wonderful, larger than life, loving guy and there were lots of lovely things to say about him. people laughed a lot and cried a lot.

I'm glad I did it. I can understand why you feel you 'need' to do it.

everlong · 25/11/2008 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaTrucha · 26/11/2008 13:01

Squidge - re eulogy. I'm glad I spoke at my mum's funeral. I didn't think I'd be able to. I do think Everlong is right. A feeling of wanting to do justice to the loved one overtakes you. I did have the back up that the celebrant agreed to read what I'd written if I didn't feel able. I don't think anyone would think at all badly if you started and felt you couldn't continue, or cried during. Do (and say) what you fell is right.

wishingchair · 26/11/2008 13:24

I am so sorry squidge. You and your children are in my thoughts. Sending you so much love x x x

BalloonSlayer · 26/11/2008 13:27

Squidgemum

So sorry for your loss

At our Dad's funeral my sisters and I read his eulogy between us. We had an agreement that if one of us broke down on their bit one of the others would take over. This happened, but only once. The knowledge that it won't all go wrong if you cry helps to calm you down.

Could you get someone stoical to stand with you to take over if you become unable to speak?

I think if you feel you want to do this for him you should try, I am sure there are plenty of people who would like to be there as backup.

LaTrucha · 27/11/2008 19:25

How are you doing squidge

EvenstarofWonder · 02/12/2008 22:59

Still thinking of you squidgemum, wishing you strength x

Original poster

squidgemum · 03/12/2008 13:34

Hello, thanks for your messages. Had funeral last week and I did the eulogy, and I didn't fall apart until the very end so I'm really proud of myself. the funeral was as good as it could have been - lots of laughter, a good drink afterwards, kids running round playing - my dh would have loved it. But now I'm numb - organising the funeral so it was just right was a great project that kept me going for 2 weeks since he died - but what the hell do I do now? Any advice...?

OP posts:

WingsofaTreefairy · 03/12/2008 13:39

Squidgemum I think you just have to take things as they come. Try to talk as much as you need to if that be on here on RL.

Much love.

ilovemydog · 03/12/2008 13:43

What about a memorial service?

Much more time to plan - have it perhaps when the weather is better?

My god mother had one for my god father and it was to scatter his ashes, but it was more of a celebration. All his favorite music, readings, funny stories....

It was lovely...

ditheringdora · 03/12/2008 13:48

so sorry squidgemum for you and the dcs. It seems so tragic especially as your dh was so young and you have such young children, don't make yourself do too much, allow yourself to cry and be vulnerable. You sound like an amazing lady, love and support to you from MN ...

EvenstarofWonder · 03/12/2008 18:50

Just take one day at a time, sometimes just keep going for a moment or an hour. Just hold on, your DC's will need you and that will help to get you up in the morning which is often very hard. Keep looking after yourself, eat and drink regularly and take any help that is offered. I am glad that you felt the funeral went so well that will be a comfort to you in time, to feel that your DH had the tribute he deserved. Take care, feel free to CAT me if you would like to exchange e-mails or talk on MSN.

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