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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My DH has died

218 replies

squidgemum · 20/11/2008 19:31

My beautiful DH died in my arms on Saturday aged 37, after an 18 month battle with cancer. I'm left with a 3 year old and a 1 month old ... and I still can't believe I am writing these words. I know some other MNetters have been through this too as I've been lurking for a while - Martianbishop, retiredgoth, onlyjoking, evenstar ... are you there? I've been reading your posts for months now (ever since he was declared terminal) but never had the courage to post before, but I know that you and others will know what I'm going through - the shock, the fear of the future, and some relief that the cruel disease is no longer a constant shadow in the house .. Tell me - is there any light at the end of the tunnel?

OP posts:
ruty · 21/11/2008 16:43

my deepest sympathies and prayers to you and your family.

piratecat · 21/11/2008 16:45

I am very sorry to hear this too. Someone I know lost her dh, 2 weeks ago to cancer, it was only diagnosed late and she had about 4 weeks with him. He was young like your husband and they have 2 young children.

I know that there is alot of supprt on here, and lots of mnetters who have links to support places.

I don't know what to say, except that I am very sorry for your loss.x

LaTrucha · 21/11/2008 16:47

I'm very sorry. Thinking of you/

niceglasses · 21/11/2008 16:50

All I can say is all my love.

trulymadlydeeply · 21/11/2008 16:55

So terribly sorry to read your news, Squidge.

Lots of love and strength for the days and weeks to come.

xxx

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 21/11/2008 17:03

I lost my DH1 to cancer after a years battle (he had NHL), he was only 34. If you want to talk on or offline then let me know.

And yes there is light at the end of the tunnel but it takes time, big hugs to you. x

milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 21/11/2008 17:03

This was 8 years ago BTW.

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 21/11/2008 19:45

So sorry to see this.

Much love and strength to you and yours xxx

Evenstar · 21/11/2008 20:16

I am remembering you in my prayers and thinking of you. I know how busy you will be, just know that you are being held close in so many people's thoughts, that comforted me at night, I hope that you have someone there looking after you and that you are managing to get some sleep. Wishing you strength.

kiltycoldbum · 21/11/2008 20:31

i'm so sorry sm my thoughts are with you and your family x

onlyjoking9329 · 21/11/2008 22:10

Still thinking of you.

RetiredGoth2 · 21/11/2008 23:41

...sorry you had to join this crap club.

There are others here, though, and we have some inkling what it is like.

....time will pass and the immediate hubbub around you will subside.

You won't be alone, though. Just ask!

It does get better. Not ALL better, and not ALL the time, but better nonetheless.

Evenstar · 22/11/2008 23:41

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

asif · 23/11/2008 09:35

squidgemum, I'm so very sorry for your loss

thinking of you and your children

xx

egyptianprincess · 23/11/2008 23:08

squidgemum i am so sorry. you and yor lovely children are in my prayers.

Original poster
squidgemum · 24/11/2008 20:50

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words. Sorry I haven't replied sooner - I can't believe how much there is to do organising the funeral etc. Although it is good to keep busy it seems so surreal, sitting in an undertaker's office discussing coffin types - she said "did your DH ever say which coffin he liked?" I thought - of course not you stupid bint!! He was only 37 and hoped, begged and prayed for a miracle cure right until the hour he died - he did not want to leave us, he had so much more to do, we had so many future plans.

I really want to do his eulogy at the funeral, but don't know if I'll be able to hold it together Absolutely dreading the funeral - makes it all seem too real. Right now I can pretend he's gone in to hospital (he often went in for a few days so I got used to sleeping without him then).

Yorkiegirl - have looked at the WAY website and thinking of joining - an v.apprehensive though - what can I expect from them?

Twink - I'm so sorry you are the beginning of this journey, it is so unutterably crap.

Everyone - I'm going to try to do that thing where I can receive CATs now, so please do try again.

OP posts:
everlong · 24/11/2008 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

luckywinner · 24/11/2008 21:02

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are having to experience this. You are in my thoughts.

Original poster
squidgemum · 24/11/2008 21:04

Thank you everlong - that's a really good idea. I am so very sorry to hear you lost your son ... words just aren't good enough I've realised recently, but he and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Stupid question but how was the funeral? Better or worse than you expected? ... and people keep warning me of feeling an "anti climax" after it's over - what's that about?

OP posts:
Yorkiegirl · 24/11/2008 21:13

Message withdrawn

Blandmum · 24/11/2008 21:18

I 'did' dh's eulogy. It was something that I felt very driven to do. I felt that I needed to do this one last thing for him.

I did it, and I'm proud that I did it. The thought gives me a lot of comfort.

It is a good idea to have it written 'in case'

I also aksed people what they wanted to say, and put in bits from his family

FromGirders · 24/11/2008 21:24

So sorry for your loss, squidgemum .

And thank you oj, for your long post earlier with advice for how to help people in this or similar situations - I've never really known what, if anything to say. I will try to remember that advice.

Original poster
squidgemum · 24/11/2008 21:47

MB - I too feel driven to do dh's eulogy but am so worried I will collapse in an undignified heap of snot and tears, and that if I start to properly cry I may never, ever stop - and then what?

Yorkiegirl - at WAY I'm picturing a circle of chairs in a church hall and lots of crying ... is that what it will be like in your experience?

OP posts:
blithedance · 24/11/2008 21:55

So sorry to hear of your loss, squidgemum. My friend was widowed a few years ago and it really opened my eyes. Not sure what to say because it has been hard and awful for her, but do accept the help of friends wherever you can.

She spoke at the funeral, it was moving and worth it because nobody else could have said it so honestly. Her opening words were, "I've lost my big man, and I loved him with all my heart..." and those words will stay with me all my life.

blithedance · 24/11/2008 21:59

Was also going to say, I think my friend was crying at the end but so what? She had a better reason to than anyone else . Have a good friend on standby as a "minder" to gently lead you off and the next speaker primed to take over discreetly. Don't worry that you have to do it all on your own.