Fraser's thread for bereaved mummies: Death leaves a heartache no-one can heal - Love leaves a memory no-one can steal

[frasersmummy]

Hello my good friends

Its lovely to be asked to set up our new support tread especially as we head towards our first festive season supporting each other.

I hope Frasers part of the journey is as smooth as Eris, Jack and Matt&Gareths

morning girls,big hugsxxhope everyone ok i havent seeen the little ones since thursday god i miss the mess they make and the funnny commentsxx

Its nice to see Shabster back

Hazy I have more than enough mess to share if you fancy it , I keep looking at it all and thinking I really should do something about it but I cba

xx

Its good to be back xx

I'M HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE THOUGHT THAT WOULD WAKE YOU ALL UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes thanks. He didnt like it when we were evacuated from the hotel.....someone on the 2nd floor set fire to a smoke alarm with a lighter....... i was so so so scared when the alarm went off, luckily the couple in the next room helped me wake him up and get him downstairs,,, when after the third time of shaking him i signed fire he flew out of bed... the lady got his things together and then he nearly fell down the stairs when we eventually got him into the reception he went and hid in a corner till we could go back upstairs,,,,,,,,,, the only highlight was the three Homer Simpson lookalikes in the rooms opposite......... 3 German men with no hair big tummies and tight pants,,,,,,,very very surreal!!!

what is it with grief???

there you are thinking you have the worst behind you and that you are coping really well

and then your work starts saying are you ok? yeah fine just need a holiday

then your dh starts saying god you are a grumpy cow.. cue big fights and thinking your relationship is dying

then your ds son says mummy what is it you are really sad these days

cue major meltdown about loss of ds from years ago... tears thowing stuff etc culminating in writing ds a 2 page letter telling him how you feel and delivering it to his garden

you would think almost 5 years down the line I would see the signals and do soemthing about it before it gets this bad

See, that's the thing about grief, Frasersmummy.... just when you think you're getting on a eve keel again, it jumps up and bites you on the ass, and threatens to drag you under again. All you can do is adapt to it, and perhaps even survive.

It's fucking hard though.

adapt and survive??? soo true deemented soo true

am sorry you are feeling low fm...........hugs from wilf and i ((((((((()))))))))))

oh frasersmammy - the hurting lasts forever...just older grief gets you when you least expect it.

I have times when I want to run away from my family....I openly admit I hate my husband a lot of the time. His grief comes out in nasty, weird accusations....stuff I know I havent done but he convinces me I have.

Just been in my 'memory treasure box' and found this poem

I talk to you and see you smile
If only for a little while
I think I almost see you laugh
But then - its just a photograph

Your eyes follow me wherever I go
And yes - you are dead - I know
Some may say Im daft
Talking to this photograph

But through the valley of the shadow of death
The aftermath
My rod and staff
Your photograph.

That sums up how I feel at the moment

MY MUM IS A SURVIVOR

My mum is a survivor, or so I've heard it said
But I hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away.
I watch over my surviving mum, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others, a smile of disguise,
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.

My surviving mum tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
As I watch over my surviving mum...through Heavens open door,
I try to tell her that angels protect me forever more,
But I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden that she bears
So if you get the chance, go visit her...and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...no matter what she feels
My surviving mum has a broken heart that time wont ever heal.

Good night, God bless girls. xxx

thank you all ...a good nights sleep has returned a smile to my face...

its hogmanay so I guess I need to clean...every year I say sod it I'm not gonna do it and every year I feel guilty and get the mop out ...

aw ra best when it comes girls!!!!!!

Good morning girls.

Frasersmammy - glad you feel a bit better xxxx

Good morning all x

Frasers mummy , I am glad you are feeling brighter ths morning . Like others have said sometimes the grief just comes and bites us on the bum but I do find that the biggest difference now is the low is shorter and even when I am at my lowest I know I will come out of it again where as in those dark early days I thought I would feel like that forever .

Good luck with the cleaning

Shabster - so glad to see you back again

FMN - it's so good to see you too {{big hug}}. I've found Christmas this year easier than last year (our first without Cole), however this year I realised that there will always be someone missing at the dinner table and I am somehow going to have to reconcile myself to that.

FM - I'm glad you're feeling better today. Weirdly enough I had an episode come out of nowhere yesterday. I was feeding Mac and putting him down for the night, and all of a sudden I just thought of Cole and burst into tears. I didn't see that one coming. Speaking of Cole, is it Hogmanay when someone passes over your threshold with a piece of coal?

Everlong - I remember not really feeling like me for quite a while. I was just existing, not living. For me it got a tiny bit better everyday - not that I realised at the time, it was only when I looked babk that I realised how far I had come.

yes I like tonight/tomorrow is traditionally the time for first footing..

Any time after the bells (midnight tonight) you should go vist your loved ones with something to eat, something to drink and fuel for their fire.

These days we dont do coal (unless you know the person has a real fire they can burn it on)

We will go see family tomorrow armed with a bottle of whisky, a bottle of brandy and a tin of shortbread. When we get there our loved ones will pour us a drink from their bottles and we will toast the new year. Then we will pour a round from our bottles and toast it again. We will leave the shortie as a present and move on to other relatives...

how goes new year down your way guys??

Well, tbh, i'm only staying up to make sure this year has definately gone. It's been dreadful, both my husband and my mother died and i'm in the middle of moving home. The only good thing to come out of it is my daughter. I dunno... it's another year without my eldest son too, and i miss him so bloody much. I don't think it get's easier at all.. i just think that the pain becomes so much part of your everyday life that you do apapt to it.. gets used to it almost, and find your way of living around it. When he first died, it felt like i'd lost a vital part of myself... like someone had chopped an arm off or somesuch, and i knew i'd never be whole again. That's still there.... not so... powerful... but almost like i've gotten used to it.

Ad i'm rambling now so i'll stf up.

OMG Dee - have you been on here for a while and name changed....forgive my stupidity but what a crap year. OMG no wonder you want to see the back of it.

no, i'm a newb here.

I thought you were - welcome love. Good bunch of ladies on here - very supportive.

Do you want to tell us about your son? Dont worry if you dont. xxx