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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Fraser's thread for bereaved mummies: Death leaves a heartache no-one can heal - Love leaves a memory no-one can steal

978 replies

frasersmummy · 09/11/2008 21:11

Hello my good friends

Its lovely to be asked to set up our new support tread especially as we head towards our first festive season supporting each other.

I hope Frasers part of the journey is as smooth as Eris, Jack and Matt&Gareths

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everlong · 31/12/2008 14:11

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Deemented · 31/12/2008 14:31

Sure, it's a bit of a long one though.

I was 14 weeks pregnant when i was told that my son, C, was likely to die soon after he was born. I'd been pregnant with triplets, and had lost one at 10 weeks, and a routine 12 week scan showed there was a potential problem with one of my remaining babies. At 14 weeks i was sent to a bigger hospital for a more detailed scan, and C was diagnosed with a condition called Posterior Uretheral Valves, a condition that only ever affects boys. It meant that there was no opening from his bladder to his urethra, so he couldn't wee. His body could make urine, and store it in his bladder, but it had no way to leave his body and therefore it went back into his kidneys, causing severe damage. We also found out that if by some quirk of fate his kidneys were ok enough to support him, his lungs would be severely nunderdeveloped as babies practice their breathing by swallowing their amniotic fluid, and ashis couldn't leave his bladder he had no way of exercising his lungs. We were told we had three options, firstly we were given the option of putting him to sleep via a saline injection into his heart - but that was never an option for us, secondly we were told we could try an operation where they would siphon off the urine in his bladder every five days, but to do this it would mean a 75% risk of total miscarraige to both babies, and as this proceedure had to be done every five days for the rest of the pregnancy we felt it was far too big a risk to take. Our third option was to do nothing and hope for a miricle. Which is what we did. My boys were born at 28 weeks and four days 120 miles away from home due to there being a lack of NICU beds in my local hospital.He weighed 2lb 4oz, and his brother, B weighed 2lb 14oz. C lived for a beautiful hour and 42 mins, and died snuggled safely in his daddy's arms.

After 10 weeks in NICU we brought B home, and he's now a very lively and opinionated four year old, who knows all about his twin brother.

travellingwilbury · 31/12/2008 15:21

Deemented , I am so sorry to hear about your boy but thank you for telling us all . I lost my first son Harry in 2001 when he was 14mths old to an asthma attack .

Lost sounds such a stupid word in this context but I can never quite do the d word .

I also now have a nearly 5 yr old and a 2 yr old and can definetly relate to the opiniated bit .

I have only been coming here for a wee while and have been made to feel very welcome and I know you will find lots of support here xx

shabster · 31/12/2008 15:22

Oh sweetheart - how heartbreaking. Glad you have your fiesty 'survivor' - I lost one of my twins due to congenital heart problems.

Hang around with us lot - we all try and help each other. When one falls we all rush to help them up again. xxxxx

shabster · 31/12/2008 18:08

Im going up to Chellesters (my friends) in a little bit - just wanted to wish you all a very Happy New Year.

Im so happy we all found each other but wish it was under different circumstances. I appreciate your loyal friendship and everyones shoulder that is always available for a good cry on!!

I hope we can all find some peace in 2009. Our children will be partying away in Heaven tonight. The older ones will, no doubt, come home in various shopping trolleys after having too much to drink!!!!

Thank you girls....you have all helped me in more ways than you will ever be able to guess.

Happy New Year xxxxx

frasersmummy · 31/12/2008 18:37

deemented

welcome aboard....thank you for sharing your story. You must have lost your ds around the same time as I lost Fraser .. he was born asleep in april 2004

Its lovely that your first post on here was one of support for someone else (me)

sending you hugs

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lottiejenkins · 31/12/2008 18:51

I'm off out with my mates to a party in our local village hall later on! Granny is staying at mine with the Wilfmeister!! Be gentle with me in the morning!!!!!

everlong · 31/12/2008 23:14

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wrinklytum · 31/12/2008 23:18

Oh Everlong xx I cannot begin to imagine what you have been through .I just wanted you to know that there are mn around,and even though we haven't been through what you have we can lend a listening ear if it helps??Sending a big hug xxx)

VaginaShmergina · 31/12/2008 23:18

Hi everlong, I dont "belong" here but did not want your post to go un-noticed. I shall sit here with you and your dog (if there is room ?)

I am so sorry you are having such an awful time at the moment. I know enough to know you do not need to be apologising here of all places.

Wanna talk ?

everlong · 31/12/2008 23:38

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wrinklytum · 31/12/2008 23:41

You aren't being an idiot at all.God I would be in pieces.I wish I could say something wise or clever to make it go away.Everlong,look after yourself.Would it help to talk about Oliver ? xx

VaginaShmergina · 31/12/2008 23:47

Not gonna ruin my night everlong, I am sat here wondering if Shabster is having an absolute blast !!

She has become a very dear friend of mine everlong and I'm sure has given you so much support as have all the other lovely ladies on this thread.

I have watched my parents go through every emotion since my brother died and we are 19 years down the road now.

They both had counselling, as did I.

It can be an amazing thing as long as you get somebody who you can connect with. There are different styles of counselling too. Hopefully your GP or CRUSE can point you in the right direction.

I have no idea as to the depth of emotion you must be feeling and my heart goes out to you it really does.

In fact my brother is here with me tonight lights going on when I know I turned them off, sound of doors openeing when they have not moved.

Maybe Oliver is there with you too in one way or another ? Iam sorry if any of the above has upset you and I have rambled, I am very good at rambling !

Thought you might like to know I think Shabs was pole dancing by 8.30 !!

everlong · 31/12/2008 23:49

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everlong · 31/12/2008 23:53

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VaginaShmergina · 31/12/2008 23:55

Such a lovely description of what sounds like a lovely son.

I think huge gaping hole is an understatement. I can remember the feeling exactly when I was told about my brother, like my heart was being pulled out through my chest, and that was my brother and not my son

The Happy Memories will stay with you that's for sure. You can keep his memory fresh in your mind.

wrinklytum · 01/01/2009 00:00

Oh Everlong {{{{{{hug]}}}}}}

He sounds like a wonderful boy.

You are obviously a wonderful mum.

I have a ds,hes 5 and smily....no way I can guess his future.

Sometimes there are no obvious answers,i guess.That must be the hardest thing in some ways,The WHY of it all.

I think you can never predict the future.DD was born a seemingly normal child and has severe delays...Am I guilty hell yes!,but is there anything I could've done to change circumstance? No I don;t think so.oH SWEETIE TAKE CARE XX

VaginaShmergina · 01/01/2009 00:00

Best wishes for the New Year to you all

everlong · 01/01/2009 00:03

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VaginaShmergina · 01/01/2009 00:03

Have just spoken to Shabs and she sends you her love everlong, she says to say she is thinking of you and she will come and find you in the morning.

wrinklytum · 01/01/2009 00:08

Hope you find some peace in 2009 everlong xx

Deemented · 01/01/2009 00:13

Can i share a quote that's brought me a lot of comfort..

'Sometimes it's not about the answers... it's about learning to live with the questions....'

Love and peace of mind to all in 2009.

everlong · 01/01/2009 00:14

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VaginaShmergina · 01/01/2009 00:22

Deemented, I like that.

Shabs...... think she has extra orange liptick on tonight (she will explain)

everlong, what plans have you in place for the counselling or have you just decided it might be a good idea ?

Are you working at the moment ?

everlong · 01/01/2009 00:26

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