Fraser's thread for bereaved mummies: Death leaves a heartache no-one can heal - Love leaves a memory no-one can steal

[frasersmummy]

Hello my good friends

Its lovely to be asked to set up our new support tread especially as we head towards our first festive season supporting each other.

I hope Frasers part of the journey is as smooth as Eris, Jack and Matt&Gareths

I misread your post love....think I have been sad because I have felt so ill. Our first grandchild has lightened our world and, for the first time, I am looking forward to Gareth and Dannys birthday on the 28th December. Grown men now!!!

OMG I made myself look like Mother Theresa with that song - didnt mean that I knew all the answers just mean that I think of all you ladies as good friends. Going to find another song that makes me look more like Bernard Manning!!! Support the same football club and we are a smiliar size

Thats better!

Local lad dun good!!!

Thank you Everlong.....oh soddin' hell here I go again....hope you have a lifebelt - watch Peter Kay and have a laugh - he was brought up about a mile from our house and his accent is my accent

Kale Nita (as my lovley Greek friends say) Good night, see you all in the morning.

xxxxx

Kali Mera

How is everyone this morning ? I am surprisingly for me actually ok on this run up to the big day . Normally I am twitchy and a bit panicky by now , don't want to tempt fate but so far so good .

Wether I will still feel like this while having to blitz the house today , who knows ?

My mum and step dad arrive on Tuesday and are staying till Sunday which could be about 3 days too long

Hope everyone is ok xx

Kale Mera TW (Im very impressed by your command of the Greek language) 'Ti Kannete?' (I only know about 60 words - that just means how are you?)

Sounds like you are doing well. I've nailed the rug down thats under my feet so nobody can pull it from under me

Love your 3 days too long comment!!

OK up and at 'em!!

Morning girls xxxx

Thats about the extent of my grasp on the greek language I'm afraid . Two weeks in Crete when I was a teenager .

Good idea about nailing the rug Shabs

Right I am really going to go and do some of this blitzing I keep talking about .

I am sure I was born for greater things than cleaning

Hey ladies

Just feeling lost today - its one year today since Finn was born sleeping. Can't seem to motivate myself to do anything and want to have a really good cry but can't seem to. I should be celebrating my baby's first birthday today but I'm not .....

Sorry just needed to write this down somewhere and didn't know where else to go!

Awwww Oops - I am just lighting a candle for your precious boy. The first remember day/birthday is so hard. Its a weird let down. I remember singing happy birthday to my boys for the first time. Now I sing it loud but it has taken very many years.

Finn is still your precious boy. Sadly he is not here physically but he is still your boy. If my two have anything to do with it....and all the other precious children on here there will be a good party in Heaven. I hope you find peace today. Sending our love from Lancashire xxxxxx

Oops a candle is lit here in Sussex for your beautiful boy Finn .

The firsts of everything are so hard , I know I spent most of the day waiting for something to happen (no idea what ) and nothing did .

Thinking of you xx

Oops, I am lighting a candle here for Finn. Do whatever you feel you need to do today, whether it be sitting on the sofa or going out for a walk. There isn't a rule book on grief and remembering.

Happy birthday Finn

Thinking of you all xxx

DS4 Tommy (11 years old) said that we should put a special song on for everybody. He has spent ages trying to think of the right one and then dismissing them one at a time because he didn't want to hurt anyones feelings or make anyone too upset.

He has no experience or memories of Gareth and Matthew he was born many years after they passed away. This year it has interested him so much....maybe because he has noticed I have been down.

I told him to come and type his own message but he has had a 'puberty moment' and run for the hills. He says this song makes him think about all the mums on 'our thread' and how they must miss their children. He reckons that we are together 'forever and ever' like the song says. He wants to wish you all a Happy Christmas and is quite certain of the fact that our children who are older will be looking after all the little ones up in Heaven.
From Thomas William xx

Lottie - Just told Tom about Wilf's episode with 'Bart Simpson' and he is still roaring with laughter and really wants to meet Wilf!!! OMG that would be like 'Hackers R Us' I explained to him about Wilfs deafness and off he went into his bedroom. He just came back and signed TOM!!! Basic alphabet signing is in their Homework Diary. Can you imagine the trouble those two would get into

Wouldnt it be great to get them together!!!! They would love that! Big up to Tom for learning that!!!

Think we would need plenty of money to bail them out of various police stations

I'm off to my mums for the night now, then we are leaving early to go and collect The Wilfmeister after his school play tomorrow, if im not online later it will be because the internet is down there!

Oops - Am lighting a candle here in Wiltshire for Finn. Thinking of you and your family and your precious darling boy. Big hugs. xx

Noah's headstone was fitted today. I'm so glad they were able to do it in time for Christmas. It looks lovely and the people who fitted put everything back carefully - even the collection of feathers DD had put for him - all placed neatly at the end of the kerb! It all seems so final seeing his name carved in the stone (if you know what I mean). Am dreading next week, DD is so excited about it all but all I can think of is Noah. I've been trying to keep busy and on Wednesday I went to help out at DD's pre-school party, it was lovely all the children had a wonderful time And they had Santa turn up with presents for them. It was a picture seeing them all standing outside waiting excitidly for him to come and then seeing him walking across the green towards the preschool. At that point I just broke down - I felt so stupid but I couldn't stop crying seeing all these excitied children and knowing that Noah will never be here to experience it too. On my trying to keep busy theme we are taking DD to London tomorrow to see Santa at Selfirdges (madness I know on the Saturday before Christmas!). Hope you all have a good weekend xxx

Dear lovely ladies. So sorry I haven't been about for so long, although I have thought about you all very often.

I know I can tell you all the truth about how I feel and that you will not be offended,so here goes.

Basically, I am having a really hard time at the moment. As Chr5istmas draws closer I hurt more and more that Eris will not be here with us. Doing the things that have to be done - putting up the tree, wrapping presents, listening to Christmas songs - has left me in tears often because my precious baby girl is not here to see it all. And as much as I want to believe she is still "here" somewhere and somehow, at the end of the day she is not here in our sight and in our arms. I truthfully do not know how I will get through Christmas day, particularly as we are spending it with my family including my nephew who was born only 12 days before Eris.

On top of this, I am now 33 weeks pg and am so very very scared of losing another precious baby. I am trying hard to get excited and to do all the things and make all the plans parents-to-be should be doing, but it is hard to get motivated to do when I don't truly believe we will bring a baby home at the end. I just wonder why I should go to all the trouble of getting stuff, buying things, washing things, sorting things, if I have to send it all away again.

The reason I mentioned about knowing you all wouldn't be offended is because the real reason I haven't been here and shared my feelings with you all is because I know that at the end of the day none of you can actually make a difference to how I feel, despite how you may try to.

I can feel myself wrapping up in a tight little ball, keeping the outside world outside, all in an attenmpt to try and protect myself a little.

Anyway, I wanted to explain why I have been away and why I have been no use to any of you.

A very merry Christmas to you all. xxx

FMN - soooooooooo good to see you. I understand every single last word of your post and recognise that 'I am about to blow, scream and paddy' feeling. I know we cant help, I know who you want back and I know a little of what you are feeling. You and Eris were the beginning of what is, in my opinion, the most unique thread on MN. Over the last few weeks some MN have 'visited' Eris' thread to compliment all the mums and said how supportive the thread is.

You are bound to be worrying. Being 33 weeks pregnant is a scary and worrying time. I think at Christmas you are well within your rights to say 'I am going having an hour I feel a bit tired.'

Do keep posting sweetheart. WE MISS YOU XXXX

Lighthouse - I wasn't even there and you made me cry normal, normal, normal, normal, normal.

I saw twins today. Little boy twins. Newborn ones. I commented on them to the mum and said 'they are so beautiful I had twin boys in December.' She asked all about them and I made most of it up Told her how healthy they were and how well they were doing etc etc. I HAVE FINALLY LOST THE PLOT.