Fraser's thread for bereaved mummies: Death leaves a heartache no-one can heal - Love leaves a memory no-one can steal

[frasersmummy]

Hello my good friends

Its lovely to be asked to set up our new support tread especially as we head towards our first festive season supporting each other.

I hope Frasers part of the journey is as smooth as Eris, Jack and Matt&Gareths

lighthouse - so sorry I wasn't around yesterday. I hope you have had a better day today. Have you mentioned before that you are pg? I'm sorry I should remember, but I have got a total sieve brain at the moment. So if I havcen't said so already, CONGRATULATIONS.

Where to start? Well firstly I'm so sorry you had such a crappy day. I've just got through the 1st year of all of the 1st anniversaries. It's been tough, but it does get better. I still don't miss Cole any less, but the pain I feel when I think about him isn't so acute.

Mac was due a month before Cole's remember day. Cole was 9 days late, so I was worried that Mac would arrive very close to Cole's remember day and that I wouldn't be able to cope with a new baby and the remember day. As it turns out Mac arrived on time and Cole's remember day was a day for us to spend as a family and to remember our precious little boy. As other people have mentioned on here, the run up to remember days are often a lot harder than the actual day.

I hope you have some great MW care. Have you been able to talk to them about your worries? My MW was a god-send and helped me a lot. I cried when I was signed off by her, she had become a friend.

Do you think the symptoms you are experiencing are because you are nervous? And even if they aren't to do with you feeling worried, they are NORMAL pregnancy symptoms. So I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.

I found the early part of my pregnancy with Mac the most emotional and difficult. I would have done anything for this new baby to be Cole, and I would have terminated the pregnancy if it meant I could have had Cole back. But of course that was never going to happen and it is quite normal to feel like that. I know FeedMeNow experienced exactly the same thing.

I too had a birthday not long after Cole died. It was the shittest birthday ever and I would rather not have celebrated it. It's my birthday this weekend and whilst I'm still not keen about celebrating it, I think it's got more to do with being a year older rather than anything else

If you ever want to talk offline, drop me a message on greensj @ waterswood co uk (adding in the dots where applicable!)

Now go give your dd, dh and bump a big cuddle - my orders

I've just realised that my post is a bit me me me. But, I've written my experiences rather than give advice, as I'm pretty shocking at giving advice.

I hope you see where I'm coming from

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/661033-Hello-i-am-new-to-the-site
Just found this new message everyone!

Hi, thanks for all your kind words. I'm feeling a bit more together today. I think the day, this new pregnancy and Christmas creeping up all got the better of me.

Shabs - Sorry Pinky, you and the other Mums here have been wonderful and such a lifeline over the last few months. No one else understands what its like. x

ILikeToHoHoHo - thank you so much for your kind words and I really do appreciate any advice!. My MW is lovely. She phoned me this morning and I told her how I was feeling about the baby and she said she would come round straight away. She then said she'd have a listen on her monitor but could'nt hear anything and eventually went to get another one, after what seemed an age again we heard that lovely sound of what sounds like a train clacking along a track! I can't tell you how relieved and happy it made me feel. I'm not due to see her until Week 24 now but she said I can see her as often as I want so i've made an appt to see her in a few weeks time. Like you said I have felt I would do anything for this baby to be Noah and I have felt really guilty about that. I hope you have a good weekend and have a nice birthday with your dear family. xxx

I hope every one has a good weekend xxxx

Night girls. Honest words spoken my love. Everything will be ok. Glad you have a great MW. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Morning girls.

Morning Everlong - for many years we hated week-ends as well! Think probably because the week days have a routine - school, work etc but at week-ends that goes out of the window.

I'm never sure why vicars say no ornaments. As if God (not sure if I believe in him) could care less! Its a weird 'rule' isin't it? Where we live we can buy tiny christmas trees in a pot with little pretend gifts on them. The whole thing is only about 10" high. Wonder if that would be allowed? It really gets my goat - ridiculous rules, as if you haven't been through enough.

Take care of yourself my love xx

Forgot to say in Rhodes, Greece our dear friend lost his brother in a scooter accident a couple of years ago. At the side of the road where it happened the family have built a 'shrine' to Costas. It is a common thing to do in Greece.

They have lanterns with candles inside. When we were coming home last year Nikos (Costas' brother) drove us to the airport. We stopped at the shrine and he asked if we would like to light the candles. It was very touching and felt like a real honour. The whole shrine was covered in flowers, candles, pictures etc etc. Can you imagine that happening here? The Vicar would keel over

I'm not feeling brilliant today......shivery and cold with a headache!

lighthouse congratulations

Its weird that soo many of our due dates fall on or close to our angels remember days isnt it

I was on the mat ward with Ross on Fraser's remember day.. I was sat there in tears when a young midwife said oh do you have the baby blues.. I nearly threw something at her. We left ross with the midwife and went down to the "quiet room" which is where we had invited the grandparents to see little fraser it was sooo hard dealing with his first remember day while trying to deal with a newborn. but at least we had Ross to cuddle

Glad your midwife is being soo supportive though sometimes it makes you want to yell.. see if you had been this attentive the 1st time my dc would be here

right this aint helping anyone will stop rattling on

I think the no ornaments on our little ones gardens is a practical thing.. they dont want to shift everything each time they cut the grass. Its not such a huge issue this time of year. I think your xmas tree will be fine.. I bought a little potted xmas tree for Fraser today. will take it to him tomorrow. Its soo sad buying a xmas tree for a grave isnt it

will shut up this time

Hi Ladies, it's a thick frost here today, bbbrrrr.

frasersmummy - I was told by a lovely lady on here (who has also lost a child) that her Obs said that woman who have recently lost a child often get pregnant quickly. Which is why our lo's are born around the time of a remember day.

I'm not sure what we are going to put on Cole's grave. On his remember day we put down a bunch of beautiful roses, however whenever we put flowers down the deer like to come along and eat the heads of them! I actually quite like this as I like the thought that the animals are there keeping Cole company and entertaining him. There is also lots of bits of chestnut shells on his mound. The aquirrels have obviously taken a fancy to him. I can't blame them as he's lovely. I sound like a mad woman now

lottie - I hope you feel better today. I'm on day 15 of having some cold/virus thingy and there is so much of it about. I found the Day and Night cold and flu rememdies hit the spot.

FMN - I hope you are well and that your long commutes are now over. Come and have a gab when you've got time - we miss you [needy emoticon]

Im crying reading the last few posts on our thread. It seems to hurt so much more when Christmas is just around the corner.

I liketo - you dont sound mad - in fact its your fault that Im having a blub now!!!

I am a total coward. My mum and dad (74 & 76 years old) are going to my boys grave for me. I cant go. I am sorry boys but I just cant go. If I go it is all too real again. We have their pictures on the headstone and I cant cope with looking at them.

Everlong - I cant get my head around the fact that my boys are 26 and 24 years old - so, no doubt they will be causing bother in heaven with your Oli How can they be that old? The pictures on my wall are of cute babies and a mucky, grinning 7 year old!! How can that be? Who stole the last 20 odd years off me? Who did that?

I hate Sundays!!! I am the only one awake at the moment.

Better search in that jar by the door for my Elanor Rigby face.

Im not sure Everlong.....I cant imagine Gareth being 27 at the end of December along with his lovely twin Danny!!! That makes no sense at all.

Matt was a real Peter Pan anyway. I can imagine him out on the town with plenty of young ladies around him - he was a sweetheart.

'my song'

After we lost Matt somebody told me that I reminded them of Elanor Rigby - one of the lines in the song says 'Elanor Rigby, picks up her face that she keeps in a jar by the door' I do that every morning! Put my 'I am alright' face on and pretend that I am fine!!

Oh yes - our boys will be causing havoc!!

I cant figure out if Ross is nearly 5 or just a baby..

it blows your mind just thinking about such things doesnt it

its nice that we can all come one here and admit to not being all right and in fact having a bubble..

makes me and Isuspect a lot of you feel a bit more normal..

my little one is off out to see mrs caluse with his grandparents so I will take Fraser is tree and shed tears while he is not here

Know exactly what you mean Everlong.....I can be in a room with hundreds of other people but still feel alone and invisible. As time goes marching on people tend to 'forget' our losses and thats when you find out who your real friends are. Life goes on, as they say and the other chestnut - the world keeps turning xx

everlong its still really early days for you .. are you sick of that phrase yet?? I am sorry if you are ..

I just mean you are going to have many days yet when you feel like you are right back where you were on the day you lost Oli

As the years go by you will find this feeling returns a little less often and when it does you bounce back a little quicker

This time of year is always very very hard ..dont beat yourself up take time to remember and grieve

If it makes you feel any better when I took frasers tree up to his garden. On the way back I did the usual rant of why didnt she (midwife who did the 36 week scan) see that something was wrong. If it wasnt for her my little boy would be here..interspersed with tears.

I really agree with you FM - have had a wobbly day today - not sure why - but have been very 'odd' in myself.

I have found that older grief (26 and 16 yrs for me now) bites you very hard on the bum and takes your breath away BUT I find that I can bounce back again. I find it exhausting no matter how far down the crappy path I am.

oh girls big hugs,i never thought id say but im ba humbug i hate christmas now and just brings back everything i havent finished shopping but managed to find a thomas tank xmas snow globe ,just need a tree now.
its funny bow i see little boys same age as jayden as there is two little boys at school of same age,so know hell be that big but he had red hair and i look around for red headed boys,his sister has same nose.
its funny i went to work do a few weeks ago and one of the girls passed me her 6 weeek old baby boy and i couldnt do it i just passed him over to one of the other girls straight away and then felt awful.

Thank God you said that Hazy - that's two of us then I HATE CHRISTMAS as well!!!!

dd and dp have had row and dd gone to work and left my 17 year old dd with all 3 kids , i finished my shift rang my sister to pick me up as dh at work ,and then rang dd2,im on my way to you,dont worry she says im taking all 3 bowling with my chap,ah i could scream,,,,rant over

everlong - I know what you mean about being out in crowd. When we first lost Cole I felt like I had 'bereaved mummy' written all over my face and that everyone would know I had lost my little boy. I am happy to say I don't get that feeling anymore, so I hope in time it passes for you too.

frasersmummy - come over my way for a big cuddle. I wish I could make things better for you.

Hugs to you aswell hazy, infact hugs to everyone on here xxx