For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Sorry to butt in ladies...I spoke to Everlong via email a couple of days ago. She is doing OK but having a hard time missing her beloved son. I will email her and pass on your love if you would like me to?

yes, kind idea shabster - thank you - sorry for my absence on this thread,sometimes I feel that I can't contribute anything helpful and would rather not comment for the sake of it, but am thinking of you all

Oh of course. Poor thing. Pass my love and ask her to pop in some time if she feels like it.

Message has been passed on from all you lovely ladies! Please feel free to join our bereaved mums thread....there is no 'qualification to join our thread' anyone who is feeling down and would like to get support we are always around. I am too tiddly to link it tonight but I will do first thing in the morning.

managed to do it without the help of a safety net tonight!!

Shabster will you please give everlong my love too. I had noticed that she hadn't been around lately and was worried about her. I hope that she feels like posting again soon. She is in our thoughts xxx

Have passed on your message Wine. Hope you are all doing ok today xxx

Hello everyone, am struggling. Had a big row with my mum just now cos she's going to my brother's grave with my other brother and wife and had assumed I couldn't come. Now i'm thinking about it rationally it was an understanding, but I still feel hurt.

Other things: am doing the best I can at work but it is v stressful as workload is stupid. Am finding DD really hard work with her tantrums and demands. Relationship with DH is crap at mo and we keep getting angry with one another irrationally and in front of the kids. I am a rubbish mum, have no energy or enthusiasm to do anything with the kids. I saw the GP today to review my medication and she was completely utterly and totally beyond crap. When I told her I'd started to have anxiety attacks again she said 'Can you think of anything that might have brought them on?" knowing FULL WELL that my brother died. I could barely stay in her room after that. And I want to be back in my old house with my old lovely group of NCT mums around me, not in this town where I don't know a soul and haven't got the energy to meet anyone.

God I do go on don't I. I'm just feeling very very low and can see no end to it. Life before DB died seems idyllic in comparison, ridiculous.

MissM, I can totally sympathise. It feels like everything is harder, worse, more pointless now, doesn't it? I don't think it is, only it feels that way. I'm so sorry about your relationships, I'm afraid I'm not a very wise person, so I can only say I feel exactly the same as you. And I mean exactly. All relationships are difficult now, it's so hard to engage when you feel you have nothing to give. You are not a rubbish mum, but yeah, things will be hard with your dd cos she knows you're not the same. And I'm also srry about your dh, I'm the same with mine. He expects me to have made more progress, I guess, u I can't force myself to be something I don't feel. It often feels like my life is falling down around my ears, all thanks to some prick (sorry) in a car. I'm sending you an extra special big hug xx

It was Jonny's birthday yesterday. He would have been, should be, 25. Had an ok day, had arranged loads of stuff with my best friend and our kids o keep me busy while ds was around. But once he'd gone to bed it all came out. Felt just dreadful, couldn't stop crying. And to top it all off, dh expected us to be intimate, then got pissed of when I said no. I slept in the spare room.

Like I said, falling down around my ears...

Hi EM. I was thinking about you. It's my brother's birthday today (was? is? what's the right word to use?) He would have been 35 so almost exactly ten years older than your Jonny. We went to his grave on Saturday. It's in the most beautiful place and couldn't be a lovelier place to end up, but he shouldn't be there. I feel so sad today. This time last year he was having his transplant but we still celebrated, taking cake and a picnic to the hospital and sitting out in the roof garden. Even then things seemed hopeful - there was still so much to come that was good and happy.

I'm sorry your relationship is suffering too. I have no answers, just empathy x

I'll be thinking of you today.

It just seems so wrong doesn't it? I didn't see Jony on his birthday last year, but he was back shortly after, and we had chocolate brownies and played with ds and his train track together.

I hope you have some peace today, knowing that your brother is no longer suffering and that you have many special memories.

Hugs xx

ps fwiw, I still say 'is' his birthday. It always will be, even if he's not here to celebrate it.

Hi MissM and evansmummy.

I also know exactly what you mean about feeling like everything is falling down around your ears at the minute. I feel exactly the same.

The loss of my brother has affected all of my relationships and the changes are hard to deal with as I don't feel I have anything to give. I just feel washed out emotionally and not up to anything.

It is obviously part of the grief process as we are all feeling similar things - at least I know I'm not just going mad when I read how you are too.

MissM I hope that your dear brother's birthday is not proving to be too upsetting for you - thinking of you today xx And you too evansmummy xx

Winetime you have articulated just how I'm feeling at the moment. Last night I just felt like I had nothing left, was absolutely drained. I have nothing left to give to my relationship, my kids, the rest of my family, my friends... It's enough to just get myself dressed and to work in the mornings. I cried and cried and cried last night. Everything feels like a struggle and I long to go back to 'before' when my brother was alive. The hole in our lives is just too gaping to patch.

Why do these things have to happen? It's so totally and utterly wrong (can you tell we've been reading Charlie and Lola!)

MissM I feel so sad reading your post. I wish there was something that could take the pain away.

It is still early days for both of us in this process and whilst we probably both seem to be functioning normally to most people, inside it is a very different matter. We still need those around us cut us some slack whilst we are grieving but unfortunately everyday life gets in the way and people who aren't going through this don't alawya underdstan why we're not back to normal.

It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that life as we knew it is over and I think that we probably feel so emotionally drained because our brains are engaged in trying to make sense of it all, leaving not much over for anything else { my brain capacity isn't up to much at the best of times anyway }.

Yes, life as we knew it is definitely over - I kept getting that realisation over and over again after my brother died. The question is, what happens next? It's so hard to know where life will go now and how. I've read back on this thread today from the beginning and it actually really helped, just knowing that it's not just me, that others have been through something that I can't describe even to those I love the most. I wish they hadn't had to go through it, but at least they know.

Hello, how is everyone doing? Sorry I have not felt able to post here for some time - life at the moment seems to consist of long periods of busy 'up' (looking after lovely DS, enjoying forging our little family, making plans for the future etc.) and short, brutal crashing downs. March is not a good time for me, as it was around now that Simon started to enter the terminal decline, and it's particularly not a good time for every bloody tabloid in the country to be shrieking their headlines about someone else's gradual erosion by cancer. I don't read the tabloids but it's hard to not see them when you go into shops - every front page that says something like JADE IS GOING BLIND makes me feel sick and shaky with rage, angry at the world for taking him away from me and angry at the people who seem to actively want to buy into an experience that is so utterly hideous and wrong.

I had the initial assessment with a Cruse counsellor which went alright, back in January, but haven't heard anything from them since. Am still at a loss to know how anyone can help me, since there is no sense to be made of it all.

I am having a lot of vivid flashbacks to things that happened around now. Seeing the first bulge from the tumour that would eventually push up behind his right eye and distort his lovely face; going into his bedroom to see if he was awake and realising that his body was having to fight for every breath.

We didn't deserve it. We all love him and need him and he wanted to live.

cyteen, can't stay for long but didn't want this message to go unanswered. I'm sorry things are tough, and I will take the time to reply properly soon. Just wanted to you to get a big hug in the mean time xxxxxxxxx

Hi Cyteen and all. So sorry that things are rough. I found the whole Jade Goody thing really hard too, actually didn't look at papers or TV when I knew she was getting close to the end. Cried when I read she'd died last night but more because I know what that really meant than my feelings for her.

I really feel for you. Those tumours are evil aren't they. I remember my poor brother's body covered in them while he carried on being so brave, getting married, wearing loose flowery shirts so they wouldn't show. I don't think most people even realised they were there.

How is your LO sleeping at the moment? Mine is not doing well with it and the exhaustion is crippling. I think that has a lot to do with how difficult it makes coping.

MissM, thankfully DS is sleeping much better just now. The exhaustion really doesn't help, I agree, so that is one small mercy.

Like I say, most of the time I feel fine and happy with life, but that seems to make the lows much worse in a way - the guilt of feeling happy and loving my life. Which is stupid because I know I am a very lucky girl and have so much to enjoy: my beautiful DS, who is so cheery and chubby and lush; my wonderful partner, who is so kind and loving; my health and mobility (never underestimated these days); the turning spring; it's all stuff to be cherished and I do. Actually I think I appreciate it more because of all the harsh times. So why do I make myself feel bad for it? I know that these things don't make me miss him any less...I suppose I just wish he could be here to share them all.

Bit of a stream of consciousness there!

Hey cyteen and MissM. So sorry to hear you're having a bad time at the moment. Things aren't any easier here either. I missed out on most of the Jade stuff cos I'm pretty much incapable of looking past the end of my nose. It's a really strange feeling for me cos I was always someone who took the time to find out about others, see how they're doing, keep in touch. I jsut can't seem to manage it now.

We're going to Leeds for the plea hearing of my brothers case tomorrow. Like I said before we're expecting the driver to plead not guilty, but I would just love it if he plead guilty tomorrow and the whole thing was over. I can always hope... Also going to see the prosecutor to talk about their case. I'm really not looking forward to it and just wish the whole thing was over.

Things don't seem to be getting any easier when somehow i thought they would be. The more time passes the more distance it feels like ther is between me and Jonny. I just want him back.

Hi All,

Sorry - haven't been on here for a while, since I posted about my 'white horse' of a wave wiping me out. Sadly seems as if some of you have had similar rough patches .

EM - wishing you strength for whatever happened at the plea hearing - let us know when you can. The passage of time since our DB's deaths, I have mentioned before, doesn't always make things 'easier' - I actually feel irritated when I hear that phrase! I know it's meant well by many people, including those who have lost loved ones, but I haven't really found it to be true - and I think it can make you feel guilty that you are not feeling better as time goes by, and people expect you to have 'got over it'. Of course, things change and going back to that wave analogy - there are smoother times - but those bloody great big waves of loss and grief still overwhelm us all I think.

Like you Cyteen and Miss M, Jade's illness and death have been quite hard to hear/ watch - not least because I had a bit of a scare with my first smear at the age of 22 and needed some treatment. Luckily had a GP who suggested I should have a smear test when I registered with them - anyway, that's another story!!

There's also been quite a bit in the media about prostate cancer lately - my DB died aged 40 of this, again many people think it only affects older men and I am glad it is getting more publicity. But it is also hard, as I have a lot of guilt stored up about how I could have done more to look into treatments for him when he was first diagnosed. I am a health professional and he had asked me to look some stuff up as he found it difficult - and whilst I did, I also found it really hard and looking back - God how I wish I had been a bit more proactive. But initially his doctors didn't seem to be worrying too much and treated him with quite conservative management.

Unfortunately, his cancer was aggressive and he deteriorated very suddenly over a few weeks - and again, I have a lot of anger/ guilt/ whatever - about the fact that perhaps he should have been managed better. I think I was in a bit of denial at the end - even though it was quite obvious - in fact, my poor Mum knew much more, she has been a nurse in a hospice for over 30 years so can't imagine what it must have been like to be seeing him get iller.

Ooops - didn't expect to go into all that just now - realise I haven't really shared before some of the story of my DB - obviously needed to come out!!

Anyway, really just came on to wish all of you strength and offer love and hugs. Hope to pop back soon. xxxx

Hello everyone. It's the end of a very difficult week, am feeling pretty bad, not helped by DS being up half the night puking and with a raging temperature. Am being the queen of rubbish mothers, have not motivation other than to stick them in front of a DVD.

Pushki your story sounds so sad. Cancer is such a bastard isn't it. After DS was throwing up everywhere last night I was sitting and cuddling him and rocking him and remembered a day when I met my DB . He'd escaped from the hospital for a bit and was allowed to have a walk - we walked up the hill and he started puking violently (he was undergoing aggressive chemo at the time). I just stood there totally useless, stroked his back a bit and asked if he was ok when it passed, but I should have held him afterwards and cuddled him like I cuddled DS. At the time we still believed things would be ok - it was about this time last year.

Guilt is a terrible thing. It can't bring them back

What sad sad stories. My own experience is far removed from yours, MissM, cyteen and pushki, how horrible it must been to watch someone you love waste away. I can only say that those few days when Jonny was in that hospital bed, surrounded by machines, and unconscious, were the worst of my life, and that was only four days, I can't imagine watching a debilitating illness for months and months.

Well, we had a bit of a shock on Weds. Got to the courtroom only to hear the prosecuting barrister begging the judge for ten minutes in order to speak to us. It was eventually granted, and thankfully, because he had a bombshell to drop and wanted to tell us before we heard it in court.

We were expecting the driver to plead not guilty to the main charge of causing death by dangerous driving, and guilty to the others which were dangerous driving (after the accident he drove home with his windscreen smashed from the impact of Jonny's body landing on it), leaving the scene of an accident and failing to report an accident. Well, minutes before the hearing on weds, his defence council told the prosecution that the driver would accept to pleading guilty to all charges if the main one was reduced to careless driving. The prosecution had accepted, saying that they just didn't have enough evidence to get a conviction for death by dangerous.

So that's it, no responsability taken for killing my brother, only for driving 'carelessly'. Punishable with a disqualification and fine. Sadly the new charge of causing death by careless driving didn't come in until after Jonny died. I feel so let down . I'd kinda hoped that this would give me some kind of closure, but it just hasn't. For a lack of evidence, it feels like he's getting away with it.

The only positive thing is that now at least we won't have to go to trial, and hear them arguing about how much of my brother's fault it was. At least this way, Jonny is exonerated from any responsability in the accident (which I totally believe, anyway, but the defense would've argued it), cos they just can't prove it either way.

It feels like a let down though. You hope for justice, and this isn't justice. A fine and disqualification in exchange for a life?

I am so so sorry to hear that EM. I was thinking about you today. Like you say - relief that your brother's name won't be dragged through the mud, but unbelievable that someone can kill someone else and not be punished for it. How can he live with himself? I can't imagine how devestating this must be, but at least you don't have a court case to go through. I'm sure that's no comfort now though. All I can offer is virtual hugs.
x

Thank you MissM. I've though all along that he's been out to save his own skin. Right from leaving my brother in the road, his first concern seems to have been 'getting away with it'. Maybe I'm wrong. But that's how it looks.

In any case, none of it is gonna bring Jonny back, or make it better. I just hope he feels guilty every day for the ret of his life.