For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Glad to hear you're concentrating yourself on some positive stuff - your eulogy, a charity event in Matt's memory. That's one of things bereavement counsellors recommend. Please don't feel you should be over it. 6 months is nothing, nothing at all. And there's not really any getting over it, only getting around it. My dh doesn't see me cry either, because I know it makes him uncomfortable as he doesn't know what to do. Your ds is the same age mine was when Jonny died. It's mighty hard trying to explain this to them. The hardest thing I've found is that my ds doesn't properly remember his uncle now. He was just too young. He remembers what we have told him about his uncle, but actual memories, I don't think he has any . Breaks my heart. He would have been just the best uncle ever for my son. It's such a waste.

I felt bad i hadn't put it in there before. I still know the poem i read for him word for word its strange but it was very him. The charity helped me so seamed right i try and help them keep going as they dont have any goverment funding. I want my db's memory to live on. I might see if i can go into schools and talk to pupils to help raise awareness of road deaths. If 1 life can be saved our db's weren't in vain. IYKWIM. DS was 2.11 when db was killed i think that may have been the worstr single thing i've had to o explain that his uncle was dead. DS recognises db whic is nice but his realisation of it isnt too good as he can upset people. It is heartbreaking but i wont allow ds to forget hi ill tell him as he what his uncle thought of him etc. Part of the reason behind this book. I tell ds he can talk 2 db whever he likes but he might not always here him answer.

I'm planning my tattoo for my db got a good idea of what i want but will have to wait a while as will cost a bit. Got one for my 2 db's and myself

shelley, one of Jonny's friends got a tattoo and it really moved me when I saw it, it was just his date of birth with NIN above it, on the inside of her wrist, as they went to see Nine Inch Nails together a lot. If my dh wasn't so against them I'd get one too (I have three others), but he literally hates them so I won't!

I know charities like RoadPeace and Brake are always looking for volunteers to campaign for road safety so I am sure they would welcome your input.

I think the book is a great idea. I have one, plus a box, that has lots of things in it, for me and for ds whne he grows up. I made a scrapbook too. My ds is like yours, in that he recognises his uncle, but I'm not sure he really remembers him. I talk about him a lot though, so like you, I won#t let him forget.

Good luck for the last week of preparations for your wedding. I saw this on the fb profile of an acquaintance who died recently, written by his aunt, "As long as we live, they too shall live, for they are a part of us, as we remember them." Keep that close on your wedding day.

My most recent one is 3 intertwined circles, one for me and my 2 db's. Thats really effect has a great meaning to her. I think im going to get an angel for him as he has always been m guardian angel. I will get it altered though so its more him.

I'm doing the event for roadpeace as they have sent us so much information that the police hadnt told us.
We've got friends memories in it the newpaper cuttings, a pcture of his coffin and a copy of a signed photo from charley boorman. Putting pics of the funeral flowers in there to. I wanted the ribbon from my wreath to him to keep but they got rid of them so early we couldnt get it. Puttin all the bits for the charity event in there to. Need to get a box as i have a few things that i dont want stuck into it. He'd kept his birthday cards from ds and i last year so i have them and the card he got from the vicar when ds was christened. My db's are his godfathers too.

I'd be doing Matt a great disservice if i allowd ds to forget.

Thanks so close now i know he will be there in spirit. Just trying to work out how i can keep his ashes with me that day it doesnt look right with my dress at all lol. Majority of things are done thankfully keeping busy has helped me so just got to relax and get the pampery bits done this week lol. I will keep that in mind

I find the box so helpful. I don;t get it out often cos it breaks my heart, but I like knowing it's there. I have in it newspaper cuttings, some stuff I got from his house when we cleared it, some minidisc compilations he made for me, the CD compilation my other brother made for him in the hospital which he never got to hear (), some very special photos, the funeral papers, death certificate, the well-wishers cards, and I managed to collect some of the flowers from the bouquet we (me dh, and ds) sent for his coffin and dry them so they're in there too. Plus some other weird stuff, like some of his beard, one of his dried out contact lenses and the hankie I had at his funeral. Weird, but they're important to me.

Is it wrong to still not believe I'm never gonna see him again? Even after all this time?

EM I expect some of those on here who lost siblings longer ago than we did would be able to answer your last question better than I can. I see my brother sometimes in the street - I know that the person I'm seeing isn't him, but for a moment my brain is fooled into thinking it is. It's literally a split second - sometimes the people I think are him look nothing like him, there is just something about them that makes my brain confused.

I was in Birmingham the other day and as I came out of a meeting I was thinking of him so much and had tears in my eyes (behind dark glasses luckily). As I walked across the main square there was someone unseen playing an accordion, which was his instrument. They weren't anywhere near as good as he was, but I had this crazy thought - what if I come round the corner and see the busker and it's him. And I wanted that to be true soooooo much. And at that point I felt so unbearable lonely - others have said it, that this grief is the loneliest thing.

It's maddeingin isn't it? I have had the same kind of thing - I saw a group of men tackling up to do their rope access work (Jonny completed his training about three weeks before he died) on a building in London just the other day, and even though I knew it was totally impossible, I hoped that when one of them turned to face me it would be Jonny. Crazy.

I also have that thing of seeing him in the street. Exactly as you say, the person may look nothing like him but have a something that makes your brain go, 'wow, that's him'. I saw a guy the other day with a shaved head and a rucksack and for a moment I was convinced it was him.

I think I've said before too, when I sit on the bench on the porch to have a cigarette, sometimes I'm so sure he's gonna walk up the drive.

If only, eh?

btw, your post made me cry, MissM.

It is a bank holiday so I thought I might as well give you all an update.

I have sold the family business! Yes really.

I was offered and accepted a good price from a firm in a similar line and I have walked away. I have also applied for, been interviewed for and have accepted a teaching post to start in September 2010.

Why? I would be lying if I said it wasn't to do with my twins death and my marriage. I just felt so overwhelmed by different emotions that the stress of running a business and employing other people who looked to me for support and salaries was just too much to bear.

DW is fine about it and I hope that Caroline understands. She would have of course.

Mentally I am up and down. The really dark days seem to have gone but I still miss Caroline everyday.

Oneofapair, do you want to add Caroline's dates to our list? No worries if you don't.

Congratulations on changing things in your life so dramatically. Funny that a few people on here seem to have had major life re-thinks after their sibling died.

Which reminds me, how is your work with the young lad going EM? (And your post made me cry too).

(God, 'young lad' makes me sound about 80!)

Cyteen: brother Simon, birthday 9th July, died April 26th 2007

Caffeineaddict: sister Jenny, birthday 15th Jan. Died 14th October 2007

Evansmummy: brother Jonny, birthday 6th March, died 30th May 2008

MissM: brother Jim, birthday March 9th, died October 17th 2008

Oneofapair: twin sister Caroline, birthday September 29th, died August 27th 2009

Shelleylou: brother Matt, birthday 28th June, died October 19th 2009.

Thanks Oneofapair.

Selling the business makes sense oneofapair, it takes a lot of guts to do something so life changing so well done.

shelley, hoping you'll pop in here some time today if you have time. Hope you're feeling ok, and that the last minute organisationals are going to plan. I will be thinking of you tomorrow, and hoping and wishing that it will be a happy day for you in spite of Matt not being physically there.

All the best, sweetie xx

Is tomorrow THE day for Shelleylou? Be thinking of you, and hope you'll have a fantastic day, despite Matt's absence.

Wow, congratulations in advance Shelley, and may you have as wonderful a day as it can be without your dear brother. He will be there in spirit I'm sure.

Thank you didnt manage to get on here friday as things were a bit manic. I got upset when the vicar mentioned my brother but my darling matt was there, i didnt think he'd not be there. he was standing behind his candle watching. We all had a cry yesterday but the day went well.

I'm glad you had a good day, even through your tears.

I'm having a terrible time. My brother is constantly on my mind and it's all making me very sad. I woke this morning at 5 and thought straight away about the night he was knocked down and why oh why didn't I call instead of texting, and just a few minutes earlier. If I had, none of this would have happened. I'm transported right back to two years ago, waking early and not being able to get back to sleep. Drinking a lot to numb the pain. Crying at odd moments. Short of patience with ds.

I feel like I'm losing the plot.

You poor thing. Go easy on yourself. Hugs to you x

Thanks caffeine. It really all sucks, eh?!

Hey EM. Been thinking about you a lot cos I know you're getting close the the anniversary of Jonny dying. I inadvertently heard a play on the radio on Thursday night about organ donation, from the point of view of a doctor whose brother had been killed in a road accident. I sat in the car and sobbed afterwards, for you and for all our brothers and sisters (had to wipe up the snot pronto cos had a Pilates class!)

Please go easy on yourself. You weren't responsible for his death. I sometimes wonder if my brother would not have got cancer if I'd been nicer to him when we were growing up (we didn't get on at all when we were teenagers). Stupid eh? But what good does thinking like that do?

Thanks MissM. I am trying to go easy on myself, but sometimes those thoughts just pop into your head, don't they? I've been crying a lot recently. Burst into tears when I got into the car after work today.

You asked a while ago how it was going with work - it's ok. It mostly hasn't really been a problem, the similarities between the boy I work with (let's call him G) and Jonny. But this last week I've found it really hard. I look at G and wonder what life would be like had Jonny survived, if he'd have had such a good recovery as G has had. I wonder why G and not Jonny? And I wonder why peeople's prayers for G worked and not for Jonny. Again, it doesn't do any good, but I can't help it.

I'm making myself go out tonight, to a new recipe club a friend has started. It is the last thing I want to do, but I can't keep myself cooped up all the time. It's with a load of people I've never met before, my worst situation in the world since Jonny died. Don't know why, I just find a big group of strangers very daunting. Never used to.

Sorry for the rambling. How are you?

When Jim was dying I used to get irrationally angry when I passed certain people in the street - I remember one big fat businessman, probably a lovely guy, but I thought how come he got to be healthy and not my brother? Completely irrational and unfair, but those feelings are probably completely normal when you're grieving (although I have no idea what is considered 'normal' to be honest). Does G know about your brother, or would that be a step too far?

Good for you for going out. You might find it helps. When we moved and my brother died two months later, I actually appreciated being among people who didn't know me 'before', if you see what I mean. Not at first - at first I just wanted to be with my family and closest friends, but then I really didn't, perhaps I just wanted to be seen as an ordinary person, not someone to feel sorry for, or 'that woman whose brother died' (not expressing it very well, rambling too....)

MissM, I haven't got any words, sorry, but I did want to acknowledge your post and let you know I'll come back to it. I'm really struggling.