For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Hey all of you, haven't been around recently. You're all so sad and I wanted to give you all a kiss. Hugs to you Cyteen and EM I really hope you're ok xx

I still visit this group and I do find it helpful even though I don't post that often.

Pictures and especially DVD's with my twin on are still very painful but, and I think this is good news, are very slowly getting less bad.

It looks as if my Dad might never be allowed out of the secure unit. He never recovered from Caroline's death (he didn't seem to accept my Mums death (his wife) at all and still never mentions it)

Being newly married is a great comfort to me and shows me life goes on.

So Caroline I'm still battling on!

Shelleylou, I was wondering if the trial has now been held. If so, how was it? Of course, must have been so tough for you and your family, but perhaps you were relieved that at least the trial finally took place? Did the accused (sorry; don't know how else to refer to him) finally accept responsibility? Am thinking of you and family while you go through this.

Cyteen, Evansmummy, Rosehill, Winetime, Caffeineaddict, MissM and all the others here - am thinking of you all too. Just wish I could think of something more I could say.

Oneofapair, thinking of you too, of course. And nice to hear that married life is good; all best wishes. Am sure your twin would be so proud of you.

I don't wish the death of a sibling on anyone, but so glad that you all understand what it feels like. Every time I read about other experiences of bereavement here, I wail. But it is cathartic.

Cyteen - it was my sister's wedding anniversary recently. I accidentally (or was it...?) came across her wedding pics. She looked fantastic. It's so hard to believe that within 7 years after the pic was taken she was dead

caffeineaddict, I know what you mean. I sobbed my little heart out last night, but it felt good (eventually).

So it was the 4th anniversary of their wedding, and in a few weeks it'll be the 3rd anniversary of his death. DP, DS and I are going to visit a safari park as part of our 'do something positive and new to mark the occasion' plan

I've also figured out a way to have a little piece of him with me at my wedding in a few months' time - found someone who makes silver plectrums, you can wear them as necklaces or keyrings as well, so I'll have a plectrum necklace and DP can have one as his wedding present too.

Cyteen the plectrum necklace is such a fab idea x

Hi all.
Princess the trial was held at the end of last month. He pled guily to save his own skin. His statement and that of the police officers attending threw a whole new light on what we had originally been told. He lied more than we knew he's very much went down the blame the dead man route. One of the lies especially was so blatent as their was evidence to prove otherwise namely the toxicology report from my brothers autopsy not that this was mentioned. The crash investigation team beleive the same as us that he did cause my brothers death but cant prove it. Think that its down to him fleeing the scene, then coming back but leaving his bike outside my brothers flat. He ran back saying he'd been told his mate was in an accident and wanting to know where he was I cant believe how low he has sank. Something the defending barrister has stuck with me and deeply upset and annoyed me. 'He has been out of work due to depression and anxiety since the accident and he has bore the brunt as much as the deceaseds fmaily have. So for this i ask you to consider a community sentance' Every word of that is a lie he was out of work long before Matt's death.
One of the magistrates kept looking at us and went out to deliberate. I kept looking at that bastard wanting him to look at us to see what he had done to us and put us through. I mouthed over ' grow some balls look at us you spineless coward' and broke down. His mum looked over at us looked at mum getting upset and saw me in tears and turned away and looked at the floor. None of them have offered their condolences or anything to us since.
It has been adjourned until the end of this month awaiting reports on him so they can sentance him. Had to hand in his driving licence in as banned from driving intermly. I'm hoping so much he gets the maximum 26 weeks custodial each for the 4 offences that the magistrates are dealing with and maximum crown are for the other. I know its unlikel but the fine he could be given is like putting a price on my db and he isn't even being done for his death. Doubt he could pay it anyway.

Sorry for the rant i started and just went off on one. Upside is a lot of local companies as well as some chains are supporting the charity event i am organising in his memory. DB and i started doing it and mum wants to help too. So doing it as a family

love the plectrum necklace idea thats fab, very personal.
I got another tattoo 2 weeks ago. It has great meaning to me but to most people it will just look random. I have 3 intertwined circles on my wrist (in a celtic 0ver and under style) one is purple, another green and the other is blue.

So sorry to have not been around recently. Just wanted to post to say that Eastenders has done my head in tonight. A bit too close to home.

Hey EM. I don't watch Easties - what's happened?

Cyteen love the plectrum idea. Do they do silver accordions too ?

Shelleylou I'm so sorry to read about the trial. What a horrible horrible horrible experience.

It was an awful experience, i knew it would be but nothing would have stopped me from going. As it was DP was admitted to hospital the day before but he knew ho much it ment to me and i couldnt do anything to help him so told me to go court anyway. I will still be going to court later this month to hear the sentance and I'm prepared for more lies. I want him to look me in the face and see what hes done. My eys must tell so many things about it. In quest will be in may or june so another few hectic months. I dont think i'm going to enjoy being married till july. Which sounds terrible i know but i want my brother there so much but nothing will bring him back even for that one day. Then we have the inquest and his birthday at the end of june.

'i want my brother there so much but nothing will bring him back even for that one day'

I think we can all relate to that sweetheart [hug]

he should still be winding me up about not wearing a suit and tie. I told him he only had to wear it for the service then could tie it round his head for all i cared lol. Cant believe its nearly been since months since he was killed.

shelley, I'm so sad for you. The court case sounds dreadful. I know how stressful it was for us, and the inquest wasn't any better, plus there was the possibility to see photos and stuff... You're right a hectic few months for you. If only it could get easier after, huh?!

MissM, stupid really, Jack Branning was shot in the head and has suffered brain injury, had the same op as my brother to remove a part of his skull and has now woken paralyzed down one side. There are some similarities. I often wonder if I would have been happier to have Jonny alive but paralyzed, or if it's better that he went in a 'blaze of glory' iykwim.

Two years today was the last time I saw him alive and well. We were at my Nanna's funeraly and I took the piss out of him for drinking white wine. I remember standing at her grave with his arm around me as they lowered her coffin. To think that 6 weeks later he'd be dead...

Oh EM, there's nothing I can say to any of that except and sending you a very large hug.

If only it would. Trying to keep myself as busy as possible. In a few weeks i wont be around much as i get married 3 weeks today (bitter sweet)

I aven't really watched eastenders lately but that must feel awful. I saw CSI last week and a car ran over a man on the flaw which shook me up so i have an idea of how its made you feel.
Sending hugs

Reading all these has sent me the tears trickling again. Big hugs to EM and to you all.

Shelleylou, sorry I asked the question and then just disappeared (DP not been well, and, in any case, I just haven't been able to think things through recently). But have been thinking of you. The court case sounds awful; so sorry you've had to go through that. And can't believe you have the inquest still to come.

So sorry to hear your DP was in hospital. How is he now?

Lovey, I know that in the normal course of things you would so be looking forward to your wedding. Of course it will still be a lovely thing, but I know that it will now be so different from what you planned. Please try to celebrate it by thinking of DP, your little boy, your family and friends, and of course your brother with you in your heart. Can't give you the words to help, but sending hugs and all the wishes that I can.

Cyteen, I mean those wedding thoughts for you too. And your wedding plectrum necklace/gift for DP sound so special.

Evansmummy, big hugs for you too. I know that sometimes something like that which you see/hear just wrings your heart out. Really do feel for you for the two years that have passed.

Am so sorry, all of you, if all this sounds trite. I wish I could just put my arms round everyone on this thread, and cry with you all. xx

Caffeineaddict, sorry - it's taken me so long to post (kept starting and stopping) that I didn't see your last post. The last bit of my post is of course meant for you too - and for everyone else on this thread.

Goodnight ladies. x

Its ok Princess. DP is fine now doctorrs werent sure what was causing the pain. Its been totally manic here recently.

PrincessFiorimonde, thanks for your message. Even though there aren't always any words, or we don't know which ones to say, we've all always remarked that we much prefer people just acknowledgind us rather than ignoring! So thank you very much for thinking of me, us.

shelley and cyteen, i can't imagine how bitter sweet your weddings will feel. It's a time when we all expecet to be surrounded by the people we love, and though you will be, there will be a hole. You carry them in your hearts.

MissM, a hug right back at ya. How you feeling atm?

We have friends over from France, a couple and three of their (grown up children). Yesterday they were all having a swim and I sat in my lounge and burst into tears. It's been a long time since Mum and Dad's pool was filled with the sounds of family fun, and I guess it all just reminded me of growing up.

Had a few weeks of that numbness that we all know so well. Feeling bad again. I had a glass of wine at 3 .

I'm feeling bad today to EM. 6 months today since db was killed.
It will be bitter sweet. I can picture my db with a drink in his hand wearing his jeans and england shirt and a buttonhole. Doesn't have to wear a suit now so its him. Wouldn't be surprised if he was anyway just to make me happy. He was amazing like that.

Hope the numbness passes and things look up a bit for you. It was afternoon you had the wine so dont worry about that.

Hey there. There must be something in the air today (the ash cloud?) cos I've been feeling very low too. Nearly burst into tears at work cos made the mistake of reading messages people sent to my mobile when they heard my brother had died - I've saved a lot of them. Why did I start reading them? No idea, only that I was thinking of him such a lot and had been all weekend. Sometimes I am jerked back to the time he died and it's so clear that I almost feel as though I'm still there. Also my kids are so beautiful and happy and amazing at the moment that it makes the loss so much more painful - that he couldn't be a part of this joy.

So many anniversaries for so many of you on here. Very very tough.

Indeed, MissM. I am actually going to the doctor's next week to discuss my anxiety because it has got so bad - a constant low level chipping and wearing away at my confidence and joie de vivre. Like you, I am totally bowled over by my little boy atm and just don't want to go on being tense, anxious mummy. It's not fair on anyone (but then, it's not fair).

Three year anniversary on Monday. Hopefully once it's passed I will start to pick up.

Sorry for not being very reachy-outy to the rest of you, I do think of you and feel for you all but don't have much of myself to give just now

cyteen, know exactly where you're coming from. We all do.

Sorry shelley, those anniversaries, first or otherwise, always get you down.

MissM, I actually love you.

Hugs (in secret) to everyone

xx