For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

How is everyone doing at the moment?

I'm still waiting for my Cruse counsellor to get in touch After initial assessment in January, they said it would be start of June...then it was 'some time in June'...still waiting. Must ring them this week.

It's Simon's birthday on Sunday, he would have been 37. We're going to a picnic for a friend's LO's birthday - he is 1 - it will be lovely and celebratory but I can't help feeling a bit anxious.

Hey cyteen, nice to hear from you. Sorry to hear about your troubles with Cruse - very poor show imo. I have only good things to say about them, but by the sounds of things, I have been lucky. Maybe try them again? I also hope Sunday will go ok. Any birthdays are hard, aren't they? You can't help but think about previous ones, and future ones that your brother will miss. I feel for you xx

MissM, I posted on your other thread a while ago. How are you feeling now?

And anyone else? Do people still pop in here to have a look? I'm sorry I haven't been very active of late. But I do think of you all an awful lot. Somehow I draw comfort to know that you all understand the pain and sadness every time I get down, and I think of you each time.

I've been having a kind of lull. Not really a feeling better lull, more of a numb lull. Been very busy with my studies and organising the holiday. We're away now until the end of August, and while it's good to have a break, I miss going to visit Jonny.

Last night in bed, and again today when I lay down for a rest, I couldn't stop thinking about it all, and I thought I'd never stop crying. I really started to panic, thinking about the rest of our lives without Jonny. I got that hollow feeling in my chest that always means a great sadness. I feel like it's never far away. I wish things could be different.

I've been having a lull too, but thinking of you all. Cyteen how was Sunday? It's a year almost to the day that we found out that my brother's transplant hadn't worked - a strange, strange feeling. Am dreading the approach of the anniversary of his death as I feel I can mark the time from now until he died in October.

I've been feeling ok, strangely, but I had such a strong ache for him today, such a NEED for him to still be alive.

Do you guys ever wonder how strange it'll be when our children reach the age that our brothers were? Or am I waaay ahead of myself here (DS is only 20 months!)

xxx to all of you.

I haven't thought at all about ds reaching my brother's age. I tend to think so much though about all the things my brother is missing in his nephew. We're on holiday at my folks plac in France, and every day something happens or we do something and I think Jonny should just be here. My other brother and dh are helping my mum biuld a rose garden, they're working hard in the sun to dig out all the rocks and lay paths and stuff, with ds 'helping', just the sort of thing that Jonny loved doing, it breaks my heart every day to see them out there without him.

I got drunk last night with other brother and got chilly so changed into his trousers. He had such a skinny waist!!

Sometimes the sadness gets so much it makes me feel sick. In these cases do you avoid thinking about your brothers or do you just let the grief come? I can't work out which is the best thing to do...

It depends EM. Sometimes, if I'm alone, and not likely to be disturbed, and I feel I need to, I just let it come and come. But then I get scared it won't stop. Other days I feel it coming but know I can't cope with it right now, or need to be strong for something, or don't have much time or whatever, and I squish it down as hard as I can. It's agony.

Was reading my last year's diary the other day and it was the exact day we found out that my brother's cancer was terminal and he had very little time left. Now we're into the countdown to his death with all the related memories and feelings. I just can't understand how a whole year has gone by.

glad someone's still around. I felt like writing here today, but not if it was just to myself!

Hi everyone - I have just seen this thread in active convos and am shocked to see how long it is since I last posted.

I also think about everyone on this thread but I think I have been avoiding posting for a while as it tends to be a very emotional experience for me and I've been in a period where I've been trying to shut down my emotions as it sometimes all seems a bit too much to cope with. I then read some of the recent posts here and see others have been having the same kind of lull and I amazed at how emotionally in sync we often are on here.

I have similarly had those thoughts about being with my brother too - I also haven't verbalised them to anyone, especially as my db took his own life and I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was thinking of doing something similar. It is more a sort of coming to terms with my own mortality and that death doesn't seem so frightening because I know he would be there, waiting for me.

I have felt guilty at not posting for so long - I haven't even lurked as I wouldn't be able to not post if I did, so I'm glad I saw this thread tonight.

I think we all have a bond and I too often think of you all that post here, even when I'm not on the thread. I feel a real affection for you all and would always respond if I knew someone needed to talk.

xxx

I think it is very interesting, the difference between this thread and the bereaved mummies thread. The mummies talk so much to each other, whereas we siblings all seem lost in our little bubbles of grief...or maybe that is just me. I find it hard to reach out, despite wanting to, because everything is so painful.

Having a bit of a setback (or is it a good thing? hmm). I rang Cruse to find out why they hadn't contacted me; the lady on the helpline sounded surprised to hear that they had dropped the ball and said she would speak to my allotted counsellor and phone me back 'if no one else is going to' Then she phoned back to relay a message from him, that he had overrun with two other clients and would be available on 12th August! Firstly, why the fuck didn't he ring me himself to apologise and explain that there would be a delay, and secondly, I am not around on 12th August and frankly object to being told when I must make myself available for counselling. Ask first, ffs!

Anyway, I accepted it at the time but now am really quite pissed off (can you tell) and also hurt - it just feels like one more person who doesn't appreciate what I've lost. Not to mention the fact that if I had not had so many years of ruthlessly managing my emotions and/or had no one looking out for me, things might have taken a serious turn. Lucky for them I'm a coper, eh?

Ended up crying in the street this morning.

Sorry I wasn't around last night. Will make a point to check in every night after dinner from now on.

Thanks for your pov, MissM. I guess that's what I thought I should do. Sometimes ikwym, it feels like its never gonna stop and the tears will keep coming and coming.

Sometimes too, even now, I can't be bothered to be strong, but am finding it less and less easy to be honest about how i feel with other people. I feel like i should be putting on a brave face now that over a year has gone past, but I just don't want to.

How you feeling at work now MissM?

Winetime, so good to hear from you. Thank you for popping back in, even though it's hard for you. I think our 'being in sync' just goes to show that there are certain emotions (to not use the word 'stages'), that a grieving person just has to go through. There's no telling at what point which emotion will come, but they mostly all do. Like I've said before, I find some comfort in knowing you are all going through it too, even though I wish you didn't have to.

Sending strength and love for yet another day with a big black hole in it...

xposts cyteen.

I'm so sorry ot hear that Cruse have been so crap. Really disappointing. Is there another service you can use? I know the Compassionate Friends have a counselling service for siblings, albeit a limited one. Could you try that?

I've often thought the same thing about this and the mummies thread. It's almost as if we, ourselves, are not as ready to accept the difficulty of losing a sibling, whereas losing a child is quite an openly accepted horror. Does that make sense? So we hide our grief in our own bubbles, rather than being more open about it. I think that also really ties in with what you said about noone understanding what we have lost.

So so so for you crying in the street. Wish things could be better for you. Wish also that I had something better to say xx

I think you've got it right re. the mummies and us. Am so glad you saw what I was getting at - I really didn't want to give anyone on either 'side' the impression that I was being critical! Grief is a bloody minefield I just find it so hard to talk about, even to myself - today is the first time in ages that I have even been able to reach my emotions and admit to the pain. (Hence why it's not entirely a setback.)

Not sure what to do about Cruse. I'll certainly meet my counsellor, having waited this long but I don't feel like I can trust him, particularly. I feel really let down and am quite angry, which doesn't seem like the best start to building a relationship of openness.

Are you still having counselling? Does it help?

No, no criticism at all. I envy the way that they can be so open about their feelings, I find that really hard. Yet I often want to put stuff down here, it's just that it always seems to be a bit of a stream of consciousness things with me, and I'm so terrible afraid of boring people. Grief...

My counselling stopped a while back now. It was a gradual weaning off, and my counsellor only stopped when I said I was ok with it. I was ok with it, but I do miss having someone to say everything to without fear of judgement. I had about 25 sessions! We left it that if I felt at any time I needed to go back, then I could just call her. I probably will need to at some point, but I am trying to go things alone for a while. I guess I have to at some point.

I do think I was very lucky with my counsellor. She was awesome, very wise and calm and a very good listener. Apparently they're not all as good as I know others who have given up after a few sessions. I really hope that yours works out. Btw, it's strange they put you with a man (unless you are a man?!), usually they try and keep to same sex counsellors. I guess that depends on the area?

Going out for a bbq in town (my folks place is way out in the sticks here), but will try to remember to check back in when I get home. Thinking of you all, as always xx

lol, am definitely not a man They did say they would accommodate a preference for either gender if I had one, otherwise they would match me to the person they deemed best suited (presumably in terms of their life experience?) I was a doormat and went along with it, am thinking now that I should have asked for a female.

We'll see. I've got a few choice words to say to him, at any rate! Also DP wants to ring them up and put a rocket under them, which is very sweet. I said no but having thought about it, I'm inclined to let him rescue me this time.

Enjoy your bbq, and don't ever worry about boring us. This thread is a space for all of us to write what we need, when we need it

Hi all. Really sorry I didn't check back after I'd posted last night as I only saw Winetime's message this morning. Nice to see you back (is 'nice' the right word here?) 'Good' to see you too Cyteen but sorry to hear about Cruse and especially sorry to think of you crying in the street. Let your DP do some fighting for you, that's lovely of him.

Am taking my DCs to my brother's grave tomorrow. It's in a beautiful spot in a wood and I've been promising myself I'd take them ever since we buried him. But once I'd decided to go tomorrow I felt all shaky and scared and got a big stress headache. Not sure I'll sleep tonight thinking about it. My DD said 'we're going to the wood where Uncle X lives' and I wanted to cry. All day I've been thinking about how much I wish he lived there! Just hope I can keep it together tomorrow for their sake.

I too find it interesting and comforting that many of our emotions seem to be in sync and think about you all a lot. A couple of times I've re-read the whole thread which makes me cry but also is a real help, which is strange isn't it. You read things differently from a distance, and it shows me that we have all come a long way through this. I know what you mean about the mummies thread - they really chat don't they. I think grief bubble describes our places very well.

Will be here for a little while, and if none of you appear will be looking out after tomorrow. x

Oh, in response to your question EM, work is getting worse and worse and I'm hating it. Planning my escape! Just got to do another year (for boring reasons I won't go into) and then I can get out. Just can't enjoy or put my all into it the way I used to.

Sorry too for not checking back last night. Just got too tired and crashed out after we got in.

I'm having such a bad day today. Woke up thinking of Jonny and feeling horribly sad, I must have been dreaming about him but don't remember it. Haven't been able to shake off this morose feeling all day so far and really just want to curl up by myself somewhere.

Cyteen, I wish my dh would fight for me. He just wishes it would all go away.

MissM, hope today goes ok for you. I'm thinking of you. I hope you (and they) get some peace from your visit. I haven't been able to take ds yet, but he's only 4 and I wouldn't know how to explain it to him, so I haven't yet.

And it's only my opinion, but I don't think we always need to keep it together for our kids. I think it's normal to let them see how upset we are. It helps them to realise the sadness and also helps them to learn to be open about it too. When a bereavement comes into their lives, hopefully they will be able to share their emotions if they've seen us doing it. My opinion, anyway. I might be way wrong! But my ds saw me cry a lot, esp at the beginning. I didn't want to lie and say I was ok when I wasn't.

Going for a lie down. Catch up soon xx

Yes, I agree that showing emotions can be a positive thing. There's been too much stifling of that among my family over the years and it makes honest communication very difficult I hope I can be more open with DS.

Hope you feel rested after your lie down EM and MissM, I hope you are enjoying telling your DCs lots of funny stories about their adored uncle.

MissM, how did it go?

Cyteen, any news from Cruse? Keep us updated about it. With a bit of luck you'll hit it off and someting useful will come of the messing around...

Well, I'm up early, and alone for once. My in laws are staying in the room next to mine for the weekend and one of them had a real snore going and I just couldn't get back to sleep. So thoguht I'd make the most of it and have some quiet time by myself. I feel some tears coming on, but I feel like I so desparately need to cry for a bit, that I'm actually quite looking forward to it. Is that weird?

Hello everyone. Will be brief, as it's late, I'm tired and I feel like I'm coming down with something snuffly.

The grave was beautiful and peaceful, birds singing, sun shining, wild flowers growing, butterflies everywhere. I don't want him to be there but I'm glad he is. The children were wonderful, really sweet and gentle, even though they don't understand (they are only 3 and 20 months). at one point DD asked me what I was doing and I said 'Talking to Uncle X'. She sort of considered this for a moment then said, 'Like on the telephone?' They stroked the grave when we left and say bye bye.

And since Friday I've felt so low, so empty and so despairing. How could someone so alive be dead? How could this have been allowed to happen?

EM I hope you allowed yourself to cry your eyes out. It does help - I just did it.

MissM, I'm glad you managed to have a peaceful moment, and sorry you've felt so bad since. I'm not feeling so good myself either...

I've been getting disproportionately upset about stuff, mostly to do with my other brother. He's going to Canada for a year in a couple of weeks and I'm so so sad he's going. I'm trying to maintain an excited exterior, i know it'll be really good for him to get away, but I'm gonna miss him so much. It's almost like losing another brother. I'm gonna feel so lonely.

Only one week left in France, I don't want to go home. Ds is starting reception in a couple of weeks, my first OU ends in mid-October and I'm gonna have to look for a job. Too many things to upset the status quo, and it's putting me on edge...

Try and look at it this way EM:

• brother going to Canada means you can go and visit him and have a brilliant time. It also means you can write/email which will be lovely keepsakes (I treasure anything my brothers have written to me, even if it's a two-line text).
• all the new things going on - DS starting reception, OU course finishing, job hunting -could all be really positive new starts. We moved shortly before my brother died, and even though I wonder every day if we did the right thing and often wish we hadn't because of the circumstances, it also feels like a good thing cos it means we have to start anew in some ways.

I know that probably doesn't help much, but just trying to see the upside of things you can't change. The trouble is nothing at this stage feels positive does it, cos it's all overshadowed by something that can never be undone.

My brother's old band held a memorial concert for him on Monday night. It was hard to go to and even harder to see them playing without him. Lots of people said what a brilliant night it was, such a tribute etc. etc. but I didn't think so. It just felt so terribly lacking to me. Good and right that they did it though.

Thanks, MissM, for such positive advice. You're right, I should tru and see the upside, but as you say, EVERYTHING seems to be overshadowed by Jonny. I had the worst tummy pains this morning, and ds came in to give me a kiss better and I just cried and cired. Thinking about how Jonny will never see this sweet boy grow up. So yeah, even though it's totally irrational, everything is affected by my brother's death.

Well done for going to that gig. I can totally imagine how hard that must have been. My (living) brother plays in a band and Jonny went to every one of his gigs. They've only played once since he died, but when they did, and when the singer dedicated a song to him, I though I would never stop crying. Your brother would be proud of you being there to support them, even in his absence.

We all sat outside tonight after dinner, my folks, brother and dh, and looked at the stars. It was such a lovely evening, but I couldn't help but think he should be there with us.

I agree with MissM about new starts - having DS has made such a difference to my life as a bereaved sibling, in that it's almost forced a fresh understanding of joy upon me. I didn't think I could ever feel joy again, and sometimes I do resent it a little because I wonder if I have enough headspace left for all my emotions relating to Simon. But mostly I'm happy to have something that pushes me onwards, and it's made me appreciate all the lesser 'fresh starts' as propulsive too.

That said, I would be feeling sad at all the changes to come in your life evansmummy. I think anyone would, even had they not suffered such a loss. Those are some huge changes you've listed there! Proper pivotal life stuff. It's normal to be somewhat shaken up and I do find grief acts as an amplifier to any unsettling act or emotion.

Speaking of fresh start life stuff, I have some news: DP and I are getting married Very happy. But feeling apprehensive underneath it all because I know I will struggle very much with my brother not being there to be a part of it. I always wanted him to give me away and now he's not here. Am going to ask SIL to be a bridesmaid too and hope she says yes, but will understand if not...

Will I ever be able to look at his photo without crying? I hate this

hello - haven't been on this thread for so long..have thought of you though..just wanted to remember my brother who would have been 48 today..never forgotten.

MAS, nice to see you on here. I know I think of all of you often, even though I don't get on here all that often. Sorry about my last outburst, too much wine doesn't do me any good

MAS, joining with in remembering your brother. I hope you have some happy memories still, even though his life was short xx