For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Yeah, some of have written about our dreams on this thread. Try and have a read of it all if you can.

As for visiting a place, Jonny's ashes haven't yet been interred. We had a criminal court case to go through before all of his body was released, so although we had a funeral for him in June of last year, we as yet don't have a place to go. Not long to wait though, 2nd June we will at last be able to lay him to rest. I am 'looking forward' to having a place to go, away from all the distractions of home life, to just think, cry and rage. It's a beautiful place, in some nearby Memorial Gardens, painstakingly maintained and very serene. I think it's up to each person though. I know of others who, like you, don't go to the cemetary or whatever cos their loved ones are not there. There's no right or wrong on this, imo.

pushki, so so nice to hear from you. Such a poignant post, about your wedding and your parents... I often think of you, and others further down the line than I, for inspiration. As proof that you do learn to carry on living after a close one has died. Your parents sound very similar to mine, they have been so very dignified about everything, even though this has changed them in a very sad way. I miss them not being around. I'm also really pleased that you're having a good spell atm. A bit of respite from the anguish and sadness can only do you good. May it continue as long as you want/need it to.

MissM, sometime last summer (I don't remember, it's all a blur), I had to go to the doctors surgery for something and for one moment just caught a whiff of something which took me right back to neuro ICU. The tears came uncontrollably and silently and I felt sick to my stomach. I quickly finished whatever I was doing there and got out as fast as I could. Funny how smells, or sounds or anything weird and small, can trigger memories. I was folding some swimming towels that had been on the line in the sun yesterday, and held them up to smell them (I love the smell of clean laundry!) and they remminded me of family holidays in Portugal in villas with pools and playing all day long with my brothers outside. Made my cry.

I'm so glad I have you all, and this place to come and say random stuff.

Thinking of you all today xx

wot in my experience there is no getting over a death, we just have to learn to live with it as others have said - a patchwork process of compromise if ever there was one. My mum died nearly 20 years ago, suddenly and traumatically, and I still find myself peeling back fresh layers of emotion that surprise me in all kinds of ways. Sometimes it's like taking up a carpet and finding several strata of nasty grot underneath; more rarely, like finding a tenner on the ground.

As for my brother, well, I'm not sure a healthy kind of grief exists for such a death. How can I make peace with the loss of him, when he was such an enormous and special part of me? How can I accept the monster that grew until it killed him, but then how can I express my anger against it since it was just a freak of nature, without mind? He is gone, always and forever, and I will never be okay with that. I just have to try and find the joy in what's still here - my beautiful son, my lovely partner, my tiny family and all my friends. And on the days when I struggle to do that, I just remember to be kind to myself and accept that sometimes it's too hard.

I do find that going through such an awful experience has had a knock-on effect on the way I deal with other emotional flashpoints, inevitably I suppose. Yesterday I had a bit of a wobble about DS starting nursery in about a week from now and I know it was made much more dramatic-seeming by the massive sense of loss I have yet to process.

evansmummy I am mostly good, thank you for asking. How are you? How is everyone today?

Cyteen what a beautifully expressed message. Are you a writer in RL?

My sister in law just unearthed a letter that my brother wrote to me before he died - she advised me to read sitting down with a big cup of tea but I couldn't, and now I'm sitting here crying and crying. It was as if I could hear his voice saying the words and they were so tender and beautiful. We were such close friends but I had no idea he thought so highly of me. Because he was such a true, real person his words are utterly honest and I feel so honoured and also so lost and angry all over again.

I love him even more than I did ten minutes ago and miss him more. I think it will for ever before I can read this letter without feeling this way.

(Am off on hols tomorrow so won't be around for a week but will look in when we're back). Love to you all xx

A year ago tonight, Jonny was enjoying his last night out. At 23.50 he was hit by a car and never woke up. Here starts the memories of the worst week of my life.

Well, here we are at one year. Seems like yesterday we were all standing around your hospital bed, in tears, our hearts breaking. I hope you're in a better place. I miss you constantly and will never be the same with you gone. Rock on, dude.

xx

EM - just a quickie to send you lots of love - heartbreaking reading your posts. It will be a tough week of course - amongst the waves of grief, hope you can find some feeling of connection with Jonny, which sometimes these anniversaries bring - albeit with such sadness, anger etc that he is not here. Treat yourself kindly this week - it will be draining I am sure for you all.

XXXXXXX

pushki, thank you very much.

A horrible day yesterday.

Today everyone was more relaxed, we had a nice bbq in the sun, and my dad, very surprisingly, asked everyone to pick one memory of Jonny to share. It was such a lovely moment, listening to each other tell stories, some we didn't know or remember, and really did help us connect with each other and with Jonny, exactly as you sau pushki.

Mine was remembering him two summers ago playing fribsby (not a typo, just what my ds used to call frisby!) in the garden with my other brother and my ds, in his socks. Always in the garden with his socks on.

Of course there are so many, but i always sit at the side of the garden when I'm having a fag, and I see them there every time.

I miss him so much, it hurts evern typing this.

EM - glad today was a bit better. We were in the garden today and I could picture my brother as well playing with the kids - he was such a big kid himself! Loved the outdoor and the summer especially.

I can almost feel your hurt as you type ......feel the same way whenever I think of him and what we, and he has missed out on in life

Keep having that fag ( would never normally encourage smoking ) and thinking of him though, however hard it is....

It does hurt so much doesn't it. I've never smoked and I've wanted a fag the past through months!

I've doubled my smoking (and drinking ) since last May. Yuk.

We're burying his ashes today.

Oh hon. It's bloody bloody hard isn't it.

I hope it goes as well as it can do today and you get some peace from it (((hug)))

Thank you. I'm a nervous wreck.

EM - hope today went ok and you managed to do the reading. Sorry didn't see your other thread earlier - both are lovely, which one did you choose?

Hugs xxx

EM, only just read your other thread - sorry. Which one did you go with? Both are very beautiful - I think I considered the second one for my brother but decided against cos we're all atheists. How did you do? How are you today?

I did the second half of the second reading, and wobbled a bit towards the end but got through it. It was hard though. The burial was a quiet, tear-filled and strangely special moment, though heart-breaking; hard to see his closest friends in tears throughout, too. Had an ok afternoon, and a very good evening with a few of his friends and my other brother, got drunk, remembered funny stories about him, laughed and cried.

Today I feel rough, but went back to the gardens and had a good cry next to him. Lay in the sun and thought only about him; strangely, the hospital images weren't so ready in coming while I was there. I feel much more peaceful now.

Thank you for your messages.

EM - well done for doing the reading and glad to hear you feel a bit more 'peaceful'. Be prepared though that you may hit a bit of downer again in a few days, as you have been gearing up for the service and coming down from all the emotion etc. That probably is really helpful for you to read that isn't it !!

I just remember that feeling though and maybe you had it initially after Jonny's death - that the world has gone back to normal and you want to still scream and weep and let everyone know about your loss - or was it just me?!

Have recently come across a couple of amazing passages in books I've been reading, thought I would share a one of them.

" The most important way of remembering someone is by being the person they made us - at least in part - and living the life they have helped shape. ....when they are worth remembering, then being someone they have helped fashion and living a life they have helped forge are not only how we remember them: they are how we honour them."

I'm going to visit my brother's grave tomorrow and walk on the hills where he used to cycle - felt I needed to do that this week as it was his birthday yesterday. Looking forward to it - an excuse to wallow in a bit of grief for the day!

xxxxxxx

Well, pushki, you were right. I've had a dreadful few days. Feel very much like I did this time last year, all those memories and feelings coming back to the surface. Don't want to go anywhere or see anyone. Feel numb yet teary. Am fed up that a year on, most other people are getting their lives back to normal, now he's finally been 'laid to rest', yet I feel as bad as ever. Cannot believe a year has gone by without him here...

That passage is lovely, btw. Where is it from? Hope your brother's birthday was a time of well-needed reflection, and a bit of wallowing too. We all need to do it sometimes xx

How is everyone else?

In my last dreafdul week, I've forgotten your message about your brother's letter, MissM. I'm so sorry.

Wow, what a hard thing to have read. When did he write it? I wish I had something similar, I only have old letters. How come your SIL waited til now to give it to you.

You are very brave xx

Thank you EM, and I don't blame you for forgetting! He wrote the letter when he knew his transplant had failed - wrote one to my other brother as well but he'd not been able to read his yet. I've read it almost every day since I got it (except the days when I've needed to be strong and knew I oculdn't face it) and can almost remember it off by heart now. It's pretty much all I have of him that really is 'him' (I have some clothes, but they are already losing his smell).

My SIL couldn't retrieve the folder on his computer - we knew the letters were there so I was devestated when she told me. But she got an IT whizz at work to look at it and he managed to find it. In a way I'm glad it's taken this long even though I was so upset by it, because I'm not sure I could have read it closer to his death.

BTW Pushki, the piece you shared has been in my head ever since I read it. It's beautiful.

Hi everyone, sorry not been around much - I am back at work part time and the days just seem to fly by more than ever. Easy to post on the frivolous threads, harder to find the time to formulate more complex thoughts and emotions.

evansmummy I'm glad you got through the reading and the terrible anniversary, and that you had at least some nice family times in remembrance of Jonny.

MissM what a wonderful, difficult gift. Sometimes I long for something like that to surface - just a few more words from him, as if he wasn't really gone - but I know I would find it very painful too. I still have a copy of my mum's suicide note and read that again the other day, not the same thing at all. It made me very angry indeed, which was a new response for me.

Thanks for your lovely comment about my writing I'm trying to write more (tis my dream job), just need to stop being such a procrastinating wobbler and get on with it.

Things are okay here for the moment, although I'm unhappy that I haven't had/made enough time to get things moving again with Si's charity. There just seems to be so much to do in a day, but I still feel like I'm failing him for not finding the time.

Hello all. It's been a while. My work is very full on and DS went through a terrible period of just not sleeping and I was a wreck. Just getting back to somewhere normal again which means I had a big bawl last night sat in the garden wondering why the world just carries on with its trivialities when my brother isn't alive. He should be alive. I haven't read his letter since I posted cos I couldn't bring myself to until I was in a better place. We're organising a festival in his memory and my mum is falling apart after seeming to be ok and I'm wondering again how on earth we all carry on.

Sometimes (and I can't say this to anyone in RL) I almost want to die, as that way I'll be with him again. That is a terrible thing to say I know - I have two small children.

MissM - I somtimes think that too. ((((hugs))))

Do you? I feel awful for feeling it. I can't tell anyone in RL as I'm scared of what they might think, especially DH - he'd probably be really angry with me. But sometimes I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again and this would be the only way. And I'm someone who doesn't believe in God or Heaven or any kind of 'better place' that we go to when we die. Yet I don't want to wait until I'm 80 or 90 or however old we will live to these days to see him.

Feel like my family is fragmenting again like we did after he died as well, like we're all in our isolated little grief bubbles after pulling together for a while. My mum especially who is the queen of avoidance.

I do feel like that. Not all the time, but it does happen. Don't feel guilty, it's fine to want to be with your brother, but try and remember what he would want for the rest of your life. I know that doesn't always help.

My family also goes through similar phases. I think I've said it before but so much of this journey is lonely, and it's sadly inevitable that there is some sseparation. We each have to remake our own selves in this new world, and we have to do some of that on our own. Hang in there.

Hugs to you all

xx

I'm going to write 'we each have to remake our own selves in this new world' out on a piece of paper and pin it on my noticeboard in my office. It's just so hard to know how isn't it.