For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Hi,

Can i join in this thread please.

My big sister died 2 years ago this week and today would of been her 38th birthday.

She was my only sibling and i have felt quite alone since her death. She developed pneumonia after a bad chest infection, she was healthy and there was no reason for her to die.

I feel so sad and on her birthday i feel angry as well, she was a lovely person and always saw the best in people. I get so upset when i think of my older age and the fact that i'll have no one to share our childhood memories with or talk about the time 'when we were young'.

I also feel guilt, in that i should of shown her i loved her more and been more tolerant of her different life to mine, why did i try to make her into something she isn't instead of accepting the beautiful person she was. Still if it changed one thing about my own life since her death it is that i am a less judgemental person now, so i guess that is a small blessing.

My DD was 5 weeks old when she died and it's such a shame that she didn't get to see her auntie in a way she'll remember.

Anyhow thanks for listening and love to all xx

cyteen you and i were sadly doing the same thing 2 years ago on 26th April. I was sitting in intensive care wishing for a miracle that never came.

Your message also brough a tear to my eye, we will always be little sisters no matter what.

Lovely picture xx

lovely picture cyteen
and welcome Heebychick..

(sorry - it is MaryAnnSingleton -just being MM for a bit) - haven't been on this thread for so long, but you aren't forgotten

Hello Heeby. What a sad story. This is a good place, even if we all wish we weren't here. xx

Hy heeby, and welcome. I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister, and that you feel so lonely now. If it's any small consolation (probably not but can't think of any proper words which is usually what I'm like ), even those of us with other surviving siblings still feel lonely. Grief really does that to you, we all have a very lonely path to walk. That's why this thread is so great. You are very welcome here.

Are your parents around to speak to about your sister? Or her friends? Maybe that could help?

Our 'first year anniversary' is coming up at the end of May. I'm dreading from th 23rd onwards as I can remember exactly what I was doing every single day, the weekend of the accident, the time spent in hospital, and I just know I'm gonna play it all through in my mind.

The interment of Jonny's ashes is booked now for the 2nd June. More than a year after his death. Yuk.

Am just listening to some of his mix minidiscs (like the mix tapes we had as kids only for those who were born in the 80's ) and it is making me smile and weep at the same time. Strange sensation. I miss him every moment of every day.

Went to the gardens where my grandma is interred and where Jonny will be in less than a month, as it was her birthday yesterday. I just can't believe my little brother is going in there too. Just seems so wrong .

Sorry for the rambling, written rather more than I should have. Oops...

I HAD A DREAM! We hugged and talked a lot and I told him how hard this is, so, in a dream-like way, he was alive but not, iykwim. I was so happy in my dream that it was finally happening, after nearly a year, then so happy on waking that I HAD A DREAM!! Didn't last long though. Cried about 10 seconds after I woke up knowing that I would never talk to him, or hug him like that again. Bitter sweet...

Oh wow, that is brilliant, EM, I'm so so pleased for you. What a lovely dream too. I hope it was some comfort, even if the waking reality was devestating. Great news though, am feeling as pleased as if it was me!

Hi

I hope you guys dont mind me joining. I tried reading whole thread but im not fully there and only read first few pages. just want to express my condolences to all of you who lost a sibling.

My brother 28 at the time dies exactly 4 years ago. he left behind 2 girls aged only 2 months and one aged 2 years. I came to England 6th May 2005 and he died 11 days later. I couldnt go back at the time as ticket couldnt be changed and flights are so expensive as used all my money at the time to come over.

I cant stop thinking about him. I cant stop crying that he died at such a young age. Which is scaring me ever since. So the last 4 years I have been so scared of doctors and refuse to have a smear done until after my 30th in July.

I dont really have anyone to talk to and when I call the family they hardly speak about him anymore and last year this time I took my daughter down to my parents and my mom briefly explained again how it all happened.

I am just so lost and confused

Welcome Eva - you are very welcome here and so to hear of the loss of your brother

Hello Eva. Poor you, what a difficult time you've had. Do you mind telling us how your brother died? And where are you from? Who is looking after his girls? I hope you don't think I'm firing questions at you, just wondered if it would be good to 'chat'. I'm so sad for you but you'll find a lovely group of people on this thread (although we don't keep in touch as often as we used to).

No MissM, you're right, we don't. But I think about you all a lot, and check in here most days.

Eva, I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. And for it to have happened when you couldn't be there. It sounds like really difficult circumstances, not that there are any good ones. All of our brothers died very young (mine was 24) and I think that just adds to the difficulty of it all. People aren't supposed to die until they're old, so it feels so unfait when they're taken at such young ages.

Please feel free to post on here anytime, there'll usually be someone along pretty quickly. Welcome, but as we say to each other, so sorry that you need to be on here at all.

MissM, how are you doing? Thanks for your reply about my dream, and sorry for not replying to your reply! I've got so much to say but so little time! But will try and catch up later.

Less than 2 weeks until our first anniversary...

Hello EM and everyone. I've been ok this week (so far) but was a complete wreck the week before. Culminated in a Saturday when I just cried intermittently through the day. Isn't it weird - this week I feel almost like nothing has happened. What's that about? Can your brain only take so much at a time and then needs some time out?

EM how are arrangements for the internment going? I just don't know how I'll be when our anniversary approaches - six months was bad enough...

I know it's weird isn't it? I fnd the exact same thing. Last week was an awful week, so very low, I woke every day and cried, spent a lot of time during the day in tears and craved bedtime just to get away from my thoughts. Then this week, I don't feel nearly so bad. It is strange, but I guess your explanation makes sense. We shut down for a bit to give ourselves time to calm down before it starts up again. Great.

Interment is all arranged. Just waiting to hear from one of Jonny's mates from uni. Everything else is done. I am pleased with mysel for getting through the organisation of it cos that was bloody hard work. Just got the thing itself now. Silly to say, but I really am not looking forward to it at all. I can't think about it too much cos the idea of the rest of him being a small box just freaks me out. I mean REALLY.

I also need to decide if I'm gonna read something or not. Unsure yet. Might read a poem but I don't know. I have decided though that I'm gonna put a photo of me and my brothers when we were little into the hole, along with a pink rose from our garden. They were just coming into bloom when he died last year and my Dad must've cut and picked a rose for me every day, his way of coping i guess. I want Jonny to have one too.

Nice to hear from you, MissM. Let's try a bit harder to keep up with one another, shall we? I certainly could use the support atm.

xx

I've just across this thread by accident. I think I would really appreciate having the support of other who have been through a similar thing, ie have lost a sibling.

My sister died of cancer in 2004. It has caused all sorts of repercussions in the family, and my mum hasn't dealt with it well at all.

So...just thought I'd pop on and say hi and I'll take comfort from your stories and thoughts and add mine as I feel strong enough to.

Hi all

wotulookinat so sorry to hear that yet another beloved sibling has been lost to cancer. I hate it, hate hate hate it. It makes me so angry. You are welcome here, as are you Heebychick.

Am without internet till Friday cause of cocking BT, but will be back with more to say when I get a chance.

Just heard that my nan is touch-and-go. I didn't know where else to post

hello wotulookinat- you are most welcome here and am sory too to hear of your nan

Thank you Margaret. My nan being in hospital brings back memories of when my sister was ill. We knew we were losing my sister and I think we all know that my nan won't make it. At least my nan has lived an interesting long life - she's 89. My sister was only just 42 when she died. I'm very worried about my mum. She hasn't really coped with losing her daughter yet, even though it was nearly 5 years ago now.

Hi cyteen, long time no...speak? (never know which verb is the right one on a forum!) How are you getting on?

wotulookinat, so sorry about your nan. Mine died last year, about 2 months before my brother. She was very old too, but that doesn't make it any less sad. At least we can say that they had a good innings. Not so with our siblings

I know how horrible it is to lose a sibling, but I feel so much for our parents. I can't imagine how awful them must feel, so I'm sorry too about your mum. Do you talk about your sister?

Margaret, nice to 'see' you too! How's things?

Yes, we do talk about my sister a bit. My sister had three daughters, who were 11, 17 and 18 when she died. I am very close to the eldest and we talk about her a lot.
I'm not really sure how grief works. How do you know if you are doing it healthily, if that makes sense? Do you ever really get over it?

I'm not sure i know how grief works either! I've read a number of books, which I do find helpful, but I think each grief 'journey' is very different. I do believe though, sadly, that we never get over it. We just learn to live with the loss, little by little. I'm no expert though, I just muddle through the day to day, hoping that things will get better. Some days are better than others, and I know that 11 months ago when people told me that, I didn't believe it possible. I think you are very brave, we all are, because we keep going, even though it's awful.

I'm glad you are close to your niece, do they live near to you? I think it helps to be able to talk about our lost siblings - in a way it keeps them alive. I know of people who don't have that possibility, and I really don't think it's healthy, from what I see in them.

Is there a healthy way to grieve? Well, I don't know that either, but I do know that just by coming on here and being able to vent, or cry, or sometimes even rejoice (see my and MissM's posts about our dreams!) is a good way to get through the bad patches. We're all here for each other in the best way we can be, with a sympathetic ear and a virtual hug that sometimes RL friends can't give.

Keep posting, wot, it's healthier than not.

hugs xxxx

My niece currently lives a long way away. She's in Kent and I am in Yorkshire, but she visits every couple of months for several days at a time, which gives us lots of time to losen our inhibitions with a glass of wine or two and chat about things. We usually end up having a cry and then a laugh, and although it makes me think about what we lost for a few days and I find it a bit traumatic, it helps in a way, if that makes and sense at all!

I've had some lovely dreams about my sister, and I take a lot of comfort from them. Are your posts about your dreams on this thread? I would like to have a read of them.

I don't really talk about how I feel about the loss with anyone in real life because I don't feel comfortable with it, so I'm glad I have come across this thread and share things with people who have experienced a similar thing. A virtual hug is a good thing because I'm not a huggy person in real life

When it first happened, I did speak to my doctor about it, as I went for advice about something else but thought I would mention it. She explained about stages of grief (were their six?) but I never really related to that. I was on quite strong anti-depressants long before my sister took ill, and so I passed over the whole time in kind of a haze. Maybe that was good, in a way, but I feel that now, nearly 5 years on, I am having to deal with it.

My mum finds it frustrating that I don't go to the cemetary where my sister's ashes are buried. She finds some sort of comfort by going, and feels close to my sister by going there. I don't - my sister was never there 'in person' and I like to think of her spirit as being all around, not in one place that is often lonely.

What do others do with regard to visiting place?

Hello all - and a sad but warm welcome to Heebychick, EvaLongoria & wotulookinat and any others ....as I haven't visited here for many weeks!

When I do visit though, it feels such a comfort and I am so touched by all our losses and how we are all trying to make any sort of sense of them. This journey of grief is certainly a difficult one.

EM - will be thinking of you on the 2nd June and if you feel up to reading something, I am sure you will be pleased you did. The photo and rose are a lovely idea.

The 3rd of June is my brother's birthday - he would have been 46 - and coming up in august will be the 6th anniversary - which I can't quite believe. Hate the thought that it has been that long since I saw him, heard his voice, hugged him and just felt that comfort of being with my only big brother. We recently found our wedding video and watched it with my parents and my two boys. Seeing my brother on there was bitter sweet - to be honest it just reinforced to me the immense loss of him not being around.

Our wedding anniversary is the date after he died - can you believe that on the night he died during a bit of mad emotion, I joked to my husband driving home from the hospital that it was my brothers way of getting out of sending us an anniversary card!! When I think back to our wedding - 16 years ago this year - it was such a joyous time, everything to look forward to in life, no real worries! My Mum found it hard to watch as well - I still am so full of admiration of my parents and how dignified they have dealt with everything - including the fact that his daughters now live on the other side of the world, which has been incredibly hard. Of course life has been filled with other joys such as my two beautiful sons since then - but can't help feeling a bit morose at times thinking about it all!!

In fact, I have had a slightly better spell lately, gone back to yoga regularly which I find helps calm my body and mind and gives me a feeling of peace, although also often get very emotional afterwards. Trying to eat better, be less of a whinger at home to my dear husband and being a bit more positive generally. Let's see how long it lasts

MissM, Cyteen, Winetime, MargaretMountford and anyone I've forgotten - I am still gradually catching up with everyone's posts - love this thread, if that sounds right! Love to you all.

Rattled on enough for now .... xxx

Hi Pushki, nice to hear from you again. Wot - if you can find the time read this entire thread. It's a long one, but it's worth it - has given me a huge amount of comfort and I occassionally read through it just to remind myself that I can feel better at times. You are so not alone in your feelings. As for a 'healthy' way to grieve, who knows? I suppose if you go off the rails and drink loads and take drugs and gamble all your money away that's an unhealthy reaction, but I get worried when I don't cry for a week cos I see that as unhealthy (although it might be entirely normal). As you'll see from this thread, none of us feel that we're grieving 'properly'.

Anniversaries are so difficult aren't they. I feel all of you who are coming up to one. Wot - I know what you mean about the hospital brining back memories. I've been in recently just for a tiny bit of surgery on my wrist, and felt physcially sick walking in (and it was an entirely different hospital in a different part of the country to the one my brother was in), and got the headache I always got after I'd visited him. It's very very tough to face. Lots of love to you x