how do I cope - my dad is going

[yorkiemom]

My dad has pancreatic cancer, which has spread to his liver, we found out in January.

We thought we would have longer. At first he responded well to the chemo, but a recent scan showed that the tumour in the pancreas has shrunk, but the one in his liver has grown rapidly.

My dear lovely dad has lost about 5 stone, and it kills me to see him looking like a skeleton. Within the last few weeks he has gone down hill, and I fear this is it. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, and my legs just won't hold me up.

I am one of eight children, and my youngest sisters are just 13 and 15, and still think dad will get better, so I have to be strong for them.

I just can't believe this is happening, this time last year everythink was ok, and my dad was moaning about his job, which was normal!!!

I'm sorry to ramble on, I think I just needed to get this off my chest.

Sorry, last line was misssing there -

Than that you should remember and be sad.

Oh yorkiemom, I am so, so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if your dad was very peaceful at the end. My thoughts are with you and your family x

Oh yorkiemum so very sorry to hear that your Dad died, thinking of yuo and all that you are going throu, email me if you want to i can listen if nothing else i can do,

Thanks everyone.
Its been a very strange couple of days.

We all seem to be crying one minute, and just feeling totally numb the next.

Have sorted dads funeral for Monday the 22nd.

He wanted to be cremated, and his ashes scattered at Dawlish, a place he really loved, and wanted to retire to one day.

Thanks again everyonw for your support.

oh yorkiemom am so sorry, have only just come on to check thread and catch up

I don't have the words to help am sorry but I am thinking of you and your family at this sad time

Thanks dizzy, its really crap is'nt it ?

I hope you too are doing ok.

am not really but I think its only because have been so busy with baby that I haven't had time to stop and take stock.

brother and I are emailing headstone suggestions tonight as he and dad are going in tomorrow and I'm too far away to be any help

sorry - am not helping am I

hope you're doing ok yorkiemom, thinking of you and your family

Hi dizzy, your children are beautiful though, and as someone else said to me, your mom lives on in them.

I really hope you have lots of support, I have a big family and its the only thing getting me through.

I'm thinking of you too, and wishing that things can hopefully become more bearable for you too.
xx

thanks yorkie, its just a bit hard to explain why she's not going to see Granny anymore, she's too young to understand - esp when we didn't see her that often, we still expect to see her walking up the path

how are all the arrangements going? are you taking time to pause for a moment?

please remember to look after yourself, it will all pass so quickly in a whirlwind
x

Hi dizzy, it has been a bit of a whirlwind today. My little boy is 4 today, crap timing I know!
So anyway I've had to paint on my brave face and give him a nice day.

The arrangements are going ok. Dad will be cremated next Monday at 4.00. At some point after that we have to take his ashes to Dawlish in Devon to spread his ashes on the beach. This was dad's last wish, so no matter how hard we have to carry it out for him.

As the days go on I'm finding myself taking to him throughout the day, and I really believe he is still with us. I know I probably sound a little strange but its getting me through!

I hope you too are taking time to breathe, not so easy with a baby I know. But you must allow yourself some time.

I don't know about the explaining bit, my dd is 7, and seems to have just accepted it. I wish I had some of her strenght.

I am off now to take my overtirewd ds to bed, wishing you a good nights sleep and a positive day tomorrow xx

yorkie am sure he is with you and if thats what you need to give you comfort and strength then carry on

am sure the kids will all be fine - its a period of adjustment isn't it? Mine are younger than yours and didn't see my mum too often so I might have it a bit easier in that respect

we've decided on her headstone this weekend so thats another formality done

hope you're doing ok
x

Morning dizzy.
At least getting the headstone done, like you say its another formality done out of the way, ans something you have'nt got to think about anymore.

We are going to sort out dads flowers today, which is funny because he would say "what a bloody waste of money".
Today won't be easy for my mom, as it would have been her wedding anniversary, but together we will get her through it.

Hope you have a good day today xx

oh no how awful for her, fingers crossed she can muster some happy memories of their wedding day and marriage

we had a very simple display of yellow roses for mum as they were her favourite and once her coffin arrived at the grave we put 3 pink roses on it, one for each of her grandchildren and her 3 sisters each put a rose in with her too

even if he would think of it as a waste of money its nice for you all to make it look nice - does that even make sense?

hope you get on ok

You will think I've really gone crazy now dizzy, we have had a black swan! Dawlish (my dads favourite place) is famous for its black swans, with dad underneath.

Mom has had a cricket bat, dad loved cricket! and a "Grandad" from his 3 grandchildren.

I know what you mean about wanting it to look nice.

I think moms got through today ok, she went to mass this morning at the church they were married at, and I think that helped. She said she could still see everyone coming outside now after the service, and her and dad laughing.

Thanks again dizzy, it does feel good to talk.

Thank you xx

please don't thank me, its helping me too

am glad she's doing ok & your flowers sound fab!!

please don't thank me, its helping me too

am glad she's doing ok & your flowers sound fab!!

Hi dizzy, had a bad day yesturday, was going ok until we started looking through old photos.

I had'nt cried for a couple of days, and thought Iwas doing really well, when I just started and counld'nt stop. It made me feel really sad to see my dad looking so healthy, and happy, and I just felt robbed and angry that he's not like that anymore. That sounds like I'm going mad does'nt it !!

Anyway today is a new day, and I don't think I'm going to see him today. Onew of my younger sisters said something that made me think, she said that she'd kissed dad for the last time at home in his bed, not in some strange room, and I think I agree. I gave my da a kiss, tld him I loved him and would ee him again one day, and I don't think I need say anything more.

I hope your doing ok, and your children are keeping you busy, but not too busy that you don't get time to think at all.

Wishing you a good friday.
xx

sorry I haven't been on yorkie - have had the lurgy so took to my bed.

we brought mum home, its an old country thing to do, so she left from the house to the cemetry - we put her in the downstairs bedroom and filled it with flowers and photos of all her loved ones and all the cards we'd received - it was comforting in a way but I also felt that it meant people felt obliged to go in and see her

she didn't look like her at all, she looked tiny in her coffin but due to all the water retention from her body shutting down she just looked strange - I feel a bit indifferent about doing it as I'd said goodbye everytime I left her but I suppose I would have regretted not going in

its a very personal choice so don't feel you HAVE to do it

Hi Yorkiemum. I've never posted on your thread before but having read thru this thread its so incredibly sad.

I lost my lovely Dad almost 3yrs ago. He died as a result of a massive heart attack following a car crash with a drunk 19yo driver.

Losing someone so close to your heart is so hard to bare. Even now, 3yrs later, I miss him just as much as the day he died. I didn't get a chance to say goodbye and tell him how much I love him whilst he was still alive. I told him when I saw him lying on the floor in his hallway and again in the Chapel of Rest.

All I can say is, with time, it does get slightly better and easier to cope with but nothing, absolutely nothing, will fill the gap he left behind in so many lives.

My eldest daughter, who was also 7yrs old at the time of my Dad's death, was very upset but soon dealt with it and even now she's a far stronger person than me. Children I find, for some reason, seem to deal with grief in a very different way to us adults. My daughter was very close to my Dad too.

You have a lot to deal with at the moment. But the one thing you have got to remember is whilst you are obviously trying to be strong for everyone else, including your Mum, remember you too.

Look after yourself and I really hope all goes ok on Monday. Will be thinking of you at this extremely sad time for you all. xxx

Thanks whispywhisp, tis very sad about your dad, but reading it I also felt angry about the drunk driver. I don't sopose that helps though.

I think its just the whole thing of loosing someone seems so unfair, whether in an accident or cancer.

I have'nt felt too bad all week, but tonight it finally hit me that tomorrow is really happening, and I just can't believe it.

I have a pooem to read, and I really hope I can do it, without crying.

Thanks again for your kind words, and I hope life continues to get a little bit easier for you every day.

Hi dizzy I hope you are feeling better after the lurgy!!

I did'nt go to see dad on friday. I did give him his last kiss in his own bed, and thats better I think.
I have been to the hospital this afternoon, where they are having an upper GI awareness week, starting today with an sponsered absail.
It was nice but hard to see the nurses that looked after dad in clinic, and they were very kind, and I got lots of hugs !!

I am hoping to go again this week and help in some way, so at least I can be doing something useful.

I hope you feel better, and have a good week.
How is your dd3 by the way? How old is she now ??

Take care
xx

Thinking of you yorkiemom, tomorrow will be a mixture of feelings i am sure.
take care

Yorkie

So sorry to hear about your dad. My dad died back in May, 3 weeks after my ds was born.

I am fine most of the time but every day or two, the memory hits me and it literally rips me in two, so much it physically hurts. However, it's mixed emotions as he suffered towards the end so it was a relief that it's over for him. Maybe you feel this too?

Hoping tommorow goes OK. Keep strong and I'm sure your family will look after eachother.

Much love, Munchkinmumx

Sending you lots of love and hugs for tomorrow Yorkie..xxxx