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Original poster

how do I cope - my dad is going

147 replies

yorkiemom · 26/08/2008 08:16

My dad has pancreatic cancer, which has spread to his liver, we found out in January.

We thought we would have longer. At first he responded well to the chemo, but a recent scan showed that the tumour in the pancreas has shrunk, but the one in his liver has grown rapidly.

My dear lovely dad has lost about 5 stone, and it kills me to see him looking like a skeleton. Within the last few weeks he has gone down hill, and I fear this is it. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, and my legs just won't hold me up.

I am one of eight children, and my youngest sisters are just 13 and 15, and still think dad will get better, so I have to be strong for them.

I just can't believe this is happening, this time last year everythink was ok, and my dad was moaning about his job, which was normal!!!

I'm sorry to ramble on, I think I just needed to get this off my chest.

OP posts:
onlyjoking9329 · 03/09/2008 22:13

steve got very aggitated and aggressive at times which was so unlike him, he was convinced he could go off to the pub on his own, he has never been to the pub and of course he couldn't even stand up but he got very cross with me about it, he ended up have meds to calm him down, steves could have been down to his tumour being on his brain thou.
i have heard of hospice at home and heard they are good. it will help your mum to have some extra hands, i found things like washing and changing and shaving steve quite hard to deal with so it was good to have someone to help with those things.
don't worry about reminding or upsetting me i am ok with typing stuff and i can type when i want to IYKWIM

dizzydixies · 03/09/2008 22:28

hi yorkiemum

am doing ok thanks, dh goes back to work tomorrow so am not looking forward to that tbh

mum was aggitated and angry too - its apparently called terminal aggitation and all part of the process am afraid

I hope you're managing to get some support from hospice at home, I know the staff at the hospice mum was in kept us going through it all - wonderful people

mamhaf · 03/09/2008 22:44

Hi Yorkiemum,

Don't feel you have to be strong - it's fine to be angry, and honest with your younger siblings if you feel that's the right thing - they'll pick up on what's happening even if you don't tell them. Perhaps the Macmillan nurse could talk to them.

Do look after yourself though - I lost my mum in similar circumstances almost 5 years ago and it's so, so unfair and hard.

Original poster
yorkiemom · 04/09/2008 07:41

Thanks oj and dizzydixies, at least now I can let mom know that this is normal.

Yesturday was pretty crap, dad did'nt drink anything all day, except the odd sip to swallow his tablets in the morning.
He is getting confused though, he was convinced last night that he had already taken his tablets, and mom was trying to give him double.
This is all having a real strain on my mom, who is trying really hard to keep it all together for my younger sisters.

The mac nurse called, and was'nt very happy with the GP for going against the driver, and making my mom feel like she was trying to finish my dad off!! I am going to see GP today, god help him when I get there!
Tina (mac nurse) did say that this was what to expect dad would stop drinking all together. He won't even have his fortisips now either.

Thanks mamhaf, I sorry you had to go through this with your mom, it really is totally shitty.

Thanks again everyone for all the support, I don't know what I'd do without it.
xx

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 04/09/2008 12:07

thinking of you and your family at this time yorkiemum

my mum stopped drinking over the weekend and we lost her on the Wed night, the only light I can give you is was she was much more peaceful, no more aggitation and it was as if she was sleeping

we were still convinced she could hear everything we were saying and tried to keep the room light and full of laughter
x

Original poster
yorkiemom · 05/09/2008 07:38

Dad had his driver fitted last night, so hopefuly will be pain free, and less sick.

Tina thinks we wil loose dad within the next few days.

This all feels like a bad dream, and I will wake up sometime soon

OP posts:
shabster · 05/09/2008 07:48

Oh Yorkie - dont know the right words.

I do know that the last thing a person looses is their hearing...used to work as a cleaner at our local childrens hospital. When we worked on the ward where the children were in comas there was a massive sign on the wall.

It said 'please think before you speak around these precious children, it has been proved that they can still hear no matter how serious there condition.'

I am sending you compassion and prayers and will be thinking about all of you over the next few days. xxxxxxxxx

Lomond · 05/09/2008 07:55

I am so sorry, this must be so hard for you.

Will be thinking of you xx

Portofino · 05/09/2008 08:29

Oh yorkiemom - that is so

I hope your dad will now be pain free and you and your family can make the most of the precious time you have left.

Best wishes xxxx

dizzydixies · 05/09/2008 10:41

thinking of you yorkie, hoping your father finds peace, in my mums last few days we tried to fill her room with familiar voices and laughter so she knew how much she was loved

what a lovely sign shabster - if that could be described as lovely am not sure of the correct word

ILikeToMoveItMoveIt · 05/09/2008 10:48

Much love and strength to you all yorkiemum.

When the time comes, make sure you tell your dad that it is ok to go and wish him a peaceful journey. He will hear you and he will listen xx

missorinoco · 05/09/2008 10:49

i am so sorry to hear this yorkiemum. my father died of pancreatic cancer several years ago. he was on a syringe driver before he died; it made him much more settled.

he could still hear us, even when he lapsed into a coma. he woke up the night before he died for a few minutes when i was wittering away to him.

it is a very tough time. my thoughts are with you. x

cutekids · 05/09/2008 10:56

hi,i know this is a horrible time for you but-speaking as someone who only lost my dad 7 weeks ago-you'll be surprised at the feelings you go through.i was very close to my Dad and he actually passed away when I was on holiday.you don't get over the shock but you will have your memories.don't be afraid to cry either....i found i couldn't cry for about 5 weeks then suddenly it hit me... but i feel ok at the moment.

Helsbels4 · 05/09/2008 11:39

Oh Yorkiemom I really feel for you, your dear dad and your family, its such a heartbreaking situation. I've sat here with tears in my eyes as it could have been me writing your post - it's all so familiar. I lost my lovely mum three years ago to secondary liver cancer - they think the primary was in the pancreas or bile duct but couldn't find it and its the watching them slip away and go downhill that his so hard. My mum became very agitated towards the end and was eventually given a syringe driver with morphine but I wasn't aware or told that this would make her slip into a deep sleep but she did, although as others have said, I'm sure she could hear my DS and my DD when she cried - DD was only 9wks then. I would say to you to spend as much time with your dad as you can, talking and touching and enjoy every second that you have. I'll be thinking of you all

onlyjoking9329 · 05/09/2008 14:17

when Steve was no longer able to eat or talk he enjoyed me giving him a massage and i always had lovely smelly flowers near him and some lavender, it is hard to find things you can do for them when they can't eat or drink.
sending you (((hugs))) for this part of the difficult journey.

dizzydixies · 05/09/2008 16:06

we did the same as OJ and had lavender moisturiser for her hands and either sweet peas or freesia by her bed

Salleroo · 05/09/2008 16:26

Sorry to hear time is short Yorkiemom, but at least he is staying upbeat. That's half the battle I'm sure.

My dad has terminal liver cancer. At least we have had the last 3 years to get our heads round it, which you never do really. He has good days and bad. He lives in Ireland so I only get to see him every month.

He is just 63, but just wont let it beat him. He was working every day up to last month, going on business trips and generally living his life. It is just horrible watching him go downhill with all the side effects of the drugs.

He visited with his consultant on Mon and they may be able to do a little more chemo as only one tumor has grown and you wouldn't believe how good, strong and positive he sounded after that piece of 'good' news.

I try to keep it at the back of my mind and it is easier as I dont see him so often. There are nights when I wake up in the middle of the night and just lie there and think about him and have a bit of a weep. I do find thinking about what a great person he is and everything he has done in his life helps. He has always lived life to the full and will be sadly missed by lots of people.

The worst thing is my dd and any other dc we may have wont get to know him personally or go fishing with him or just have him as a grand dad.

It's great you are getting to spend time with him, treasure every minute of it.

Salleroo · 05/09/2008 16:38

Sorry, I came in after page 1, and hadn't read on. I'm so sorry to hear how ill your dad is now. I'm having a good cry for you. You are in my thoughts. xxx

feedmenow · 05/09/2008 19:09

Yorkie, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your dad and the rest of your family.
I hope you all get through this peacefully, gently and surrounded by lots of love. xx

Original poster
yorkiemom · 05/09/2008 20:03

All your lovely kind words have made me cry, I can't teel you all how much it means to check my post and read such lovely wishes. Thank you .

Today has been tough, I had to tell my two younger sisters that we don't think dad has long, I wish I could suck all their pain from their bodies into mine.

After keeping it together all day, and not crying I now feel like I can't stop.

Had a lovely hour last night with my dad, and when I came home gave him a kiss and told him I love him, and I just can't believe hes going, and soon I won't be able to see him anymore

Have to go now as I need to pull myself together.

OP posts:
Blandmum · 05/09/2008 20:06

dh has a morphine driver over Christmas, and he lived another 6 months. He came off the driver, and was only back on it for the last week or so.

It can be a real godsend when they can't swallow, or keep vomiting (which can be a real problem with pancreatic cancer)

Hugs to you sweetheart

dizzydixies · 05/09/2008 20:11

oh yorkie how lovely you want to shield your sisters but they need to go through this and be there for you too

my brother tried so hard to protect me as I was 39wks pregnant but in the end we helped each other and that was what helped us the most

be there for each other and your dad will be so proud of you all and will go in peace as he deserves to

thinking of you

shabster · 06/09/2008 00:37

Yorkie - wish I could help more my love xxx

Original poster
yorkiemom · 06/09/2008 07:57

Thanks Mb, dizzy and shabster. I think last night I was just too tired. I feel a little better this morning. Hopefuly dad had a good night last night, will find out when I go to see him later.

I'm sorry that everyone here is talking from experience of loosing a loved one. Sometimes I just don't understand if there is a god why such terrible things happen to good people.

I again can't tell you how much it means to open up mumsnet and see people have replied with such kindness. Thank you so much.

Wishing you all a good day xx

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 06/09/2008 08:39

hope your dad has had a restful night yorkiemom

{{hugs}}