how do I cope - my dad is going

[yorkiemom]

My dad has pancreatic cancer, which has spread to his liver, we found out in January.

We thought we would have longer. At first he responded well to the chemo, but a recent scan showed that the tumour in the pancreas has shrunk, but the one in his liver has grown rapidly.

My dear lovely dad has lost about 5 stone, and it kills me to see him looking like a skeleton. Within the last few weeks he has gone down hill, and I fear this is it. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, and my legs just won't hold me up.

I am one of eight children, and my youngest sisters are just 13 and 15, and still think dad will get better, so I have to be strong for them.

I just can't believe this is happening, this time last year everythink was ok, and my dad was moaning about his job, which was normal!!!

I'm sorry to ramble on, I think I just needed to get this off my chest.

When my Dad was dying, we took photos of him as a young man and family photos in so that the nurses would know who he was, rather than what they could see, which was a frail old man, does that make any sense?

sorry, I am rambling, I suppose that I am still so deeply affected by the loss of my Dad....

Thanks to people who responded to my post, sorry Yorkiemom, did not mean to hijack your thread.
Just one thing - spudmasher says to cry as much as you want. I can't cry at all and haven't really cried since this whole thing started. Is that normal? Is it a coping mechanism or is part of my brain in denial?

aleene - I hardly cried when my Dad was dying, I was just too numb. We all react differently.

Hugs to you.

Thanks again everyone.

Todays visit to the hospital was not a good one, no more chemo, dads just not well enough, which I sopose I already knew. Its still very hard to hear this though.

aleene, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, its a terrible situation to be in, you have my upmost sympathy. I will be thinking of you.

Martianbishop, I remeber you were very kind to me when my dad was first diagonised in Jan, and I was very sorry to hear that you has lost your dh, who put up a very brave fight. I hope you and youe children are doing ok.

Dad did become diabetic quite a few months ago, and since then its all been downhill.
Mainly due to the cancer though. The tumor in his pancreas has shrunk, but the one in his liver has grown, sods law!
Dad stopped taking the steriods months ago, as they main his legs really ache.

It breaks my heart to push my dear lovely dad round the hospital, and see him so weak, Ireally don't know how to get through this. The pain is like nothing else.

I'm sorry to go on, and I know their are lots of people in even worse shit situations but today I just feel totally devestated, and bloody angry with god, because their is no-one else to blame.

I'm so sorry yourkiemum, it sounds like hell for you

Don't be daft about 'going on', this is what we are all here for. Of course you are devastated, you must be finding it impossible to think about anything else at the moment. xx

thinking about you yorkiemum, am sorry the news wasn't great

my mum passed 5wks ago today & dc3 was born 4wks ago so I think my noy crying too much is a coping mechanism, that or am too tired/frightened to start

cope with it however you need to

Yorkie - Im still really mad with God - really, really angry.

Its been 26 and 16 years since my sons died but I could kick God in the nuts if he was here right now.

Sadness like you have at the moment is a real mental and physical pain - a massive hole that you cant seem to fill.

If you hear a woman in Bolton got struck down by lightning you will know that I did manage to kick Gods nuts!

OMG Dixies - OMG - I am so sad for your loss and so glad for your new baby. Your head must be spinning. xxxx

Oh Dixie your emotions must be all over the place, I'm so very sorry for you.
Thanks snarky, and shabster.

Your right shabster about the physical pain, it feels like your chest will burst with pent up tears and anger.
Right now I can't stop thinking about all the past times I've had with my lovely dad, and I can't just stop crying, I feel like I just can't stop the tears.

I love my dad so much , and he's always been a good dad, I just can't believe this is happening.

I am going to bed now i just want today to end. and if I'm asleep I can't feel this anymore.

thanks you so much for evetyones kind words, and i'm sorry for going on ,
xx

Yorkie - just came in from my friends house where we had a few drinks

Never, ever apologise for 'going on' because you are not.

Tomorrow I will link you to Eris' thread. Just a small group of bereaved mums. We dont say - you cant join our group because you havent lost a child. We welcome anyone who has lost a loved one.

A lovely group of mums who are stepping along the crappy path.

Give your dad a kiss from me. You dont have to tell him that its from me.....just really feel for you. xxxxx

Our thread for our lost loved ones

Couldn't wait until the morning. A beautiful little girl who was born asleep started this thread off. She was called Eris. We are passing 'the baton' on from one friend to another to start new threads. I am proud to say this is my thread in honour of my sons.

There will always be friendship here. There are no new members rules...just true emotions, thoughts and love. xxxx

Oh shabster thanks you so much for your kindness.
You must be such a brave person to overcome the pain you have suffered, and have come through the other end.
You are an inspiration to me.
I will see my dad later, and give him the kiss from you.
Just wondering if this is normal, I woke up in the middle of the night, and had a panic that dad had gone, I really felt the need to phone my mom to check he was just asleep, but it was 2.30 ish so could'nt, do you think this is normal ???

sounds normal to me, there's so many thoughts and stages and things to deal with you feel different things by the hour some days, I am told that it is normal, there seems to be a new normal everyday I guess it's a way of adjusting to things.
shabster is very wise.

Yorkiemom, I just wanted to say how sorry I am.

I lost my Dad 11 years ago, when I was 13 . It is so hard to watch them become so frail. Everything that you are feeling at the moment is normal. Take care

Dizzydixies, how awful that your mum never got to see your DC3 . I am so sorry for your loss, you must feel all over the place at the moment. 6 years is a long time, your mum must have been an amazing lady!

Ladies, you are all so strong.

I came very close to losing my beloved Mum to a sudden illness at the weekend and she is still very poorly, but stable and out of ITU now. This thread has made me feel so humble and grateful that I didn't lose her.

My love to you all and especially Yorkiemum goes out to you all today.

Yorkiemom I think the waking in the night thing is normal as others have said.
I also experienced and still am having lots of very strange dreams, not all of them nice but some are lovely and I have been told that it is your subconcious working it all through as with any traumatic situation.
I am a real blub face and cried like a baby throughout dad's illness. The grieving started when he was first diagnosed so I blubbed a lot then. I blubbed each time things got a bit worse. I always blub when someone shows me sympathy or kindness.But as people have described, there were times of awful sadness when I didn't cry at all, just had that numbness people have described and Goodness knows how but I managed to do the eulogy alongside my brother without blubbing. Strange how it is all normal and all a way of coping. You will carve out your way and I think this thread shows it is as individual as your fingerprint.

Lots lof love to you - you have been in my thoughts today.
(See that would make me blub)

Thanks ladies, you are really all brilliant support.

Today has not been brill again!!!
Had an horrible argument with my mom, mainly me completely over-reacting, and mom stressed out. I never row with my mom, we are all really close, I have 2 brothers and 6 sisters, and we are all close(most of the time!)

Its horrible to argue, and although i have apologised it still feels like I said too much.
Anyway off to bed - another early night, my eyes just won't stay open !!

Thank you all again so much, I have 2 really good friends in rl, but luckily neither has lost anyone close, so although they are great it's not quite the same as pooring your heart out here, and getting such fantastic support.
Thank you and good night xx

Yorkiemum - I read a lovely book today called 'The First Primrose' by Maria Whatton. It is an anthology of narratives by people with cancer near the end of life, or their relatives.

It gives a voice to people who are going through these profound times, and I was in floods of tears as I read it, but felt really uplifted afterwards. If you are interested I could type up an extract or maybe send you a copy if you want?

yorkiemom am sure your mum understands how you are all feeling.

hope you have a restful night

Thanks AnotherFineMess, I think I will order a copy from Amazon.

dizzydixies, last night was'nt too bad thanks, apart from the strange dreams.
Have spent most of today at my mom house, we are ok, although have'nt spent much time with dad as he's slept most of today. I hope you are ok too, and are finding some happiness in life, especially with your new baby.
xx

yorkiemom

hope you and your family are doing ok

its the new baby thats keeping me going at the moment tbh

thinking of you

Hi dizzydixies, how are you doing today ??
Iwas just looking at your photos on your profile page, your girls are absolutely beautiful. I never get broody (especially after ds!!) anymore, but looking at your little baby girl, I did think ohhh.
They must keep you going.

Did'nt have such a great day yesturday, dad has started to be in pain again. The mac nurse suggested a syringe driver, as dad is having trouble swallowing his pills.
However when the GP came out he said to put off doing this for as long as possible, as this is something done towards the end, and hinted that this could move things along that way!
I don't really understand, but we don't want dad to be in any pain.
Hopefully today will be better.

Wishing you a good day xx

sorry to hear your dad is in pain, the Mac nurse is right about the driver, lots of people will say it speeds things along but our Mac nurse says thats only because it tends to only be used towards the end so people blame it for the end IYKWIM.
Steve had a driver a few weeks before he died it helped him stay pain free when he could no longer swallow, the meds in the driver needed upping a few times to get the right level and in the last week i was told that because he needed them upping yet again he wouldn't be in pain but would slip into a coma, i wished i had known that sooner cos i never heard him speak again after that.

Thanks OJ, I'm sorry if this is too graphic for you, and causing you any pain. I really would'nt wish you to feel like that.

Saw dad this morning, and he swallowed his tablets ok. He does seem to be getting mithered though, he was convinced that the gp came at 6.00 last night, and would'nt be told that it was 1.00 in the afternoon. Perhaps this could be the morphine??

We don't have any mac nurses that come out in Sandwell, so the district nurse is going to contact a company called hospice at home. I am hoping this helps my mom, as she looked totally done in today.