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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

how do I cope - my dad is going

147 replies

yorkiemom · 26/08/2008 08:16

My dad has pancreatic cancer, which has spread to his liver, we found out in January.

We thought we would have longer. At first he responded well to the chemo, but a recent scan showed that the tumour in the pancreas has shrunk, but the one in his liver has grown rapidly.

My dear lovely dad has lost about 5 stone, and it kills me to see him looking like a skeleton. Within the last few weeks he has gone down hill, and I fear this is it. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, and my legs just won't hold me up.

I am one of eight children, and my youngest sisters are just 13 and 15, and still think dad will get better, so I have to be strong for them.

I just can't believe this is happening, this time last year everythink was ok, and my dad was moaning about his job, which was normal!!!

I'm sorry to ramble on, I think I just needed to get this off my chest.

OP posts:

Doobydoo · 06/09/2008 14:00

Just want to add my thoughts to everyone elses.
So for you,your dad and family.

dizzydance · 06/09/2008 20:12

Hello Yorkiemum,
I am so so sorry about your dad. I lost my dad 6 months ago to cancer and have gone through so many feelings. Sometimes I think for a second that he is still here, then I remember. I could have written all your posts.
We knew when it was dads last few days. You don't know how you get through it but you just do. I remember stroking my dads hair and telling him how much I loved him. We lost him 18 months after he was diagnosed. He was 64. I wouldn't have got through it without my sisters and we have all tried to help mum. My friend is going through the same thing now and she asks me how I got though it. I just tried to be strong and somehow got through those first few days.
Dad was suffering so much and was so confused on the morphine, it was a sort of release although I didn't want him to go.
Life has gone on, and I often have many tears, but you do start to smile again and people tell me it gets better.
I will be thinking of you and your family and am so sorry. Just remember he will always be your dad XXXX

dizzydixies · 07/09/2008 17:17

hi yorkiemom, just wanted to say thinking of you and we're here when you need us
x

giftedlady · 07/09/2008 19:56

I really feel for you...I hope you have a lot of good friends and people who will listen when you need them...gather all your strength. Thinking of you xxx

Original poster

yorkiemom · 08/09/2008 07:40

Well its monday morning and the kids still have to go to school, so I have to get myself up and ready to take them.

This past weekend has been pure hell. We have all been together as a family at my momand dads house.
Saturday dad was'nt too bad, but the morphine is making dad confused.
Sunday dad kept trying to get out of bed, to go to the bathroom, which was a major struggle. We got him there, but he was too weak to get back.
Its ust a bloody nightmare, cancer has robbed my dad of hs strenght, and is now trying to take his dignity. My dad does'nt want me, my mom, or brother to be taking him to te toilet, but how do we do this, I justdon'tknow.

I'm sory I am rambling, I'm tired, and in one way I ust want this to be over, but in another I don't know what I'll do when it is.

Thanks for all your kindness.

OP posts:

TheLastWord · 08/09/2008 08:16

cancer is just so very cruel, could you get some nursing help to do things like taking him to the toilet, washing, shaving, it may help with his dignity and will give you more time to be with him, I know OJ had nursing care for her DH for toileting and other things personal needs type stuff.

dizzydixies · 08/09/2008 09:39

yorkiemom am so sorry, we never had this as for her last few weeks my mum was in a lovely hospice and was bed ridden - do you have enough support, could you check with the MacMillan nurse you're getting all you're entitled to - it sounds like you and your family are having to deal with an awful lot.

I know it might be hard just now but the kids desperately need that routine, for them getting off to school will be a relief from all the stuff going on at home, even if they're too young to realise exactly what is happening am sure they understand there is something wrong.

what age are your kids yorkiemom, I've never asked sorry

hope your dad has a more settled day

Impstersmom · 08/09/2008 09:52

yorkiemom, I'm so sorry for what you are going through, we lost my husband's Mum very quickly last year to Pacreatic Cancer when my daughter was just a year old. It is very shocking and confusing isn't it. And of course a daughter's love for her Dad is a very strong force.

I know I am new to the site, but I just happened upon your messages and wanted to say that my heart goes out to you and wish you and your family comfort for the times you are in and the times to come.

dizzydixies · 09/09/2008 09:19

hi yorkiemom, hope you're coping ok

Original poster

yorkiemom · 09/09/2008 09:21

Unfortunately we don't have macmillan nurse that come out where we live, so this falls to the district nurses.I have to say though, they have been brilliant, and very supportive.

We also now have hospice at home.

Yesturday was bad, my dad needed the toilet, and we could'nt get him there very easily, as he cn't really walk now. Dad had an accident, and I know this is'nt how my dad would want things to be, with me and my mom clearing him up. I although I don't mind, I love my dad and would do anything for him.

Then last night he had a fall, again trying to get up, and was stuck behind the bedroom door, we have to call an ambulance to get him up, and then got him settled.
The nurse gave him a mild sedative, and last night he slept all night with no walkabouts.

Im going to see him now, and am hoping that he will be more peaceful.

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 09/09/2008 09:23

oh yorkiemom am so sorry but also glad to her you're getting more help

do they not have a commode they could provide you with? that would save him having to get all the way to the bathroom? also easier for him to get in and out of

thinking of you x

Original poster

yorkiemom · 10/09/2008 07:49

Hi dizzydixies, we have got a commode, but dad just looks at us in disgust when we suggested it.

I think after last night dad has got past that stage. He is sleeping alot now, and the district nurses have got us some pad type things. I know if my dad was really "with it" he would be going mad, but I honestly think he's going to the next stage.
I cannot explain in words how painul this is to watch my dad slipping away, and fighting i every ste on the way.

Thanks for your kind words, dizzy, how are you doing ?? Sorry its not just about me.

OP posts:

WingsofaAngel · 10/09/2008 07:58

I have been reading you following your thread.
I hope as your Dad sleeps more he can be peaceful. He will know that you are with him. Keep talking to him.

Wishing you strength for the time the lies ahead x

Helsbels4 · 10/09/2008 11:37

Hi Yorkiemom, hope things are settled today. I look in on your thread every day as you are going through what I went through 3 years ago with my mum and its just heartbreaking isn't it? My mum used her commode but only in front of my dad and only because she couldn't manage the stairs anymore but eventually we had to start using pads as well when she slipped further away. I remember thinking how embarassed my mum would be having us changing her etc as she was a very proud lady and would have hated that loss of dignity. In some ways it was a relief when she went as she wouldn't have to suffer that anymore but it was still a shock and unbearable when she did slip away. All I can say is that you just get through it somehow, I don't know how. I still don't know how I'm getting through it right now because it hurts so much but you just do and some days will be easier to get through than others. My heart really does go out to you. How's your mum coping?

dizzydance · 10/09/2008 17:20

Hi, I keep checking your thread as well. You are going through exactly what I went through with my lovely dad and I feel for you so much, I really do. No one should be made to go through this and it seems so unfair, but all you can do is somehow get through it. I will keep checking your thread to see how you are doing. I know this is an awful time . I will be thinking of you.

Sycamoretree · 10/09/2008 17:34

Yorkie - I am so sorry. You could be me this time last year. Dad was diagnosed in May last year, chemo over summer reduced tumour, but it came back as soon as they stopped and in November we knew it was terminal - he sadly passed away in Feb this year.

Nothing can prepare you for what you are going through and will have to go through. It digs your heart out doesn't it. What a bastard disease. I am sending you love and thoughts.

drivinmecrazy · 10/09/2008 17:41

I really feel for you too, Yorkie. My Dad died July after long battle with cancer. we expected him to enjoy a few months more of reasonable life, but out of no where tumours attacked his spine, and he was paralysed within days. He lasted six weeks in a terrible state, completely bed ridden.
I take a tiny bit of comfort in the fact that he wasn't fully aware of the total indignity of it towards the end.
After my experience, I cannot praise the Macmillan team and district nurses enough. They are total saints. How they do their job I will never know, but my family will be eternally grateful for their kindness and support they gave our whole family. His nurses even came to his funeral.
I wish you so much strength and love in the coming time, and assure you that we can endure far more than we ever thought possible.

onlyjoking9329 · 10/09/2008 21:06

thinking of you all dealing with cancer it brings so much back reading this thread, my DH died from a brain tumour 13 weeks ago, it is horribly cruel to watch someone you love disappear bit by bit, in a way i was glad to be able to look after Steve myself with help from nurses towards the end, when Steve died i was with him and although it was hard he was peaceful and painfree. We are now trying to rebuild our lives which is difficult as so much of our lives is affected by the huge gap that we have in our lives.

dizzydixies · 10/09/2008 23:19

OJ, I know its not the same as losing your life partner but I lost mum after a 6yr battle with various cancers 7wks ago tonight, a week before dc3 was born. we were with her and she was also peaceful and pain free in her final few days and it was through the sympathtic and supportive posts I received on here that I managed, and am still managing to cope.

if all I can do to repay that is help out others in a similar situation is post on here everynow and then I'll gladly do it, just as you do.

so many of us have been through things like this and I truely believe that it is moments like this that show what a wonderful thing MN can be.

I can only hope you and your lovely children are coping and beginning to rebuild your lives, Steve will never be forgotten - even by hundreds who never had the pleasure of meeting him but will think of him every time they eat trifle and think of you every time they have a rum

yorkiemom, I was so touched that you even thought to ask about me at this stage in your life. I'm doing ok thank you, everynow and then something whips the feet out from under me and I haven't been home yet - maybe dd3 turned up at just the right time after all and not too late as I initially believed and was devestated by, she is the most perfect distraction.

I hope you've have a good peaceful day and your dad hasn't been in any pain or distressed

as I've said before - we're here when you need us
x

Original poster

yorkiemom · 11/09/2008 07:41

My dad died last night at 6.25.

Our lovely macmillan nurse Tina came out to see him, although she's not meant too.
My dads mom and dad were with him, and when Tina came to see him, he really looked up at her. She told him everything would be ok, and within an hour he had gone.

We were all in the bedroom together, with my mom and tina holding his hands.
He went quietly, and Tina said dad was'nt in any pain.

I don't know if for some reason he was waiting to see Tina, but he was definately waiting for something.

Today I feel totally numb, but once the kids are at school I will help mom sort out the arrangements.
Mom wanted dad at home in his bed for one last night, and finally my dad had a good night peacefully in his ow bed.

God bless you dad, and rest in peace
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:

RubyRioja · 11/09/2008 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissNorty · 11/09/2008 08:14

So sorry for your loss ....he is at peace now

Take care of yourselves x

Original poster

yorkiemom · 11/09/2008 10:05

can anyone let me have a copy of the Christina Rossetti poem please.

OP posts:

aleene · 11/09/2008 10:08

So sorry to hear that your dad has gone. I hope that the thought that he is out of pain makes it easier to bear. You sound like a close family and hope you can all support each other just now and in the coming weeks. Best wishes to you x

aleene · 11/09/2008 10:13

is it this one?

Remember
Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile

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