how do I cope - my dad is going

[yorkiemom]

My dad has pancreatic cancer, which has spread to his liver, we found out in January.

We thought we would have longer. At first he responded well to the chemo, but a recent scan showed that the tumour in the pancreas has shrunk, but the one in his liver has grown rapidly.

My dear lovely dad has lost about 5 stone, and it kills me to see him looking like a skeleton. Within the last few weeks he has gone down hill, and I fear this is it. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest, and my legs just won't hold me up.

I am one of eight children, and my youngest sisters are just 13 and 15, and still think dad will get better, so I have to be strong for them.

I just can't believe this is happening, this time last year everythink was ok, and my dad was moaning about his job, which was normal!!!

I'm sorry to ramble on, I think I just needed to get this off my chest.

still thinking of you.

yorkie,
just read your thread. I am so sorry about the loss of your dad. My mum died of cancer a few years ago, and reading about how your dad was reminded me how much mum was the same at the same stage. we had the community nurses which were fab.
I hope you are OK today. sending much love xxxxx

yorkiemom, am just popping on to say I'm thinking of you and your family today - I hope the sun is shining where you are too and you are taking comfort in each other
x

Thanks everyone for your kind words.

Yesturday was easliest the worst day of my life. A close second being te 18th Jan 2008, the day we found out dad had cancer.

I managed to do my poem, without too much crying, and I was very proud of my little sister (15) who had wrote a few personel words about dad, and read it beautifully.

Lots of dad's old works friemds came, which was lovely, and everyone said really lovely things.

I knew back in Jan that this was going to be a rollercoaster, but I honestly thought we would have a couple of years, and I can't believe its all over. I'm not needed to take dad to the hospital any more, and we will no longer sit for hours on a Thursday waiting to be seen in clinic.

I just cannot accept that that part is over and done with, and my dad does'nt need me any more.

Its just so hard to think that all our family holidays, and times together will no longer include my lovely, funny dad, who I miss so much it feels like a pain in my chest.

The tears are staring now, so I'm off to blow my nose !

Thanks again everyone xx

Hi Yorkie. Reading your post makes me remember those days with my Dad. When we buried him it was as if a huge part of my life was over. The realisation that I would never see him again, never hear him again, hear him laugh, smell his pipe tobacco, look at his lovely blue eyes...all gone.

I think you did extremely well yesterday and to manage to say a poem - wow, how incredible! And for your 15yr old sister to stand up and say a few words too. No wonder you were so proud of her.

Your life will feel very empty and lonely for a time. You will have all your 'firsts' to get thru - birthdays, Father's Day, Christmas etc but it does get easier, after time. Just remember he is no longer in pain and he is taking great pride in looking down at your and your siblings.

Take care. xxx

yorkie, I agree completely with whispywhisp, the fact that you even managed to say your poem is wonderful and puts me to shame. How lovely that your little sister managed to say her words too

I was no use to anyone on the day and couldn't even help my dad and my brother outside the church when everyone wanted to give their condolances, I just left them to it

your dad may not need you in a physical sense now but he's not in pain and he knew your love and support when he needed it most - you need to be there for yourself and your mum and siblings now - take time to grieve for your lovely dad and remember him how he was

x

hope you're doing ok yorkiemom

Hi dizzy

I'm doing ok thanks. How about you?

I find I can be doing ok, then all of a sudden, something can just set off a memory and off I go. Do you find this or is this just me going crazy ?

We have booked to go to Dwlish on the 17th October to spread dads ashes. I have to be honest I'm really dreading this. I think this may be even worse that the cremation.
Idon't klnow how I'll cope being there without my dad. We have such happy memories there, its going to be very difficult without him.
Its what dad wanted though so we just have to get on withit.

Thanks again dizzy,

Take care xx

its completely normal yorkiemom, I about had a melt down in WH Smith the other day as I was buying birthday cards for dh's mum from us and the kids and realised that this is something I'll never have to do again for my mum its her birthday in Nov so it was on my mind anyway

I think you need to give your dad some credit here, maybe the fact that you DID have some happy times there is exactly why he wants you all to go back and remember him like that and not as he was towards the end - take the time to be together as a family and remember him fondly

you sound like you've coped with everything up until now so well, your mum must be so proud of you and so grateful of your support

am sure it will be fine at the time
x

yorkie, i am so sorry for your loss. Dawlish is lovely isn't it, we were there last week on our holiday. Strangely enough we were there on the aniversary of my father's passing. We lost him three years ago. The black swans are lovely - if you take a walk to the aviary you can "adopt" a swan, maybe you could do this in your dad's name. I can understand why it was your dads favourite place. We walked along the sea front to Dawlish Warren, and nearly got cut off by the tide on the way back . Anyway, i just htought i would share that and wish you peace.

yorkie - only just seen this darling
Love to you. Do hope you are ok
Remember to be kind to yourself

It was my Father's funeral on Monday of this week and it was a rollercoaster too - just as you described - probably for different reasons though (but that's a whole different page of a book!!)

Anyway, I wish you a calm and peaceful night tonight babe

Hiya Yorkie....you will get good days and bad days. It's still very early days for you and your family. Take each day as it comes...but don't rush yourself either. My Dad's death is coming up for the 3yr point (Nov). Hard to believe because its gone so quickly.

We have just booked a holiday for ourselves for next Spring. We had the choice of two lovely properties to stay in...one of which I'd had a holiday with my Dad some years ago in. I couldn't bear to go back there and even looking at the photos of the cottage etc was hard. The slightest thing will start my crying...the smell of pipe tobacco being one of the most frequent and strongest. I can still hear his laugh and voice in the back of my head.

I first came onto MN - almost 3yrs ago - because I couldn't cope with the loss of my Dad. Back then loads of lovely MNrs said to me time is a healer and it could take months, if not years, to come to terms with the loss of him. At the time I thought 'yea, right'...but they were right. It does take a long time.

Yorkie..you have gone through such a hugely upsetting time in your life. Give time for yourself. Cry when you want to cry, not when it suits other people. Let it out. Don't be embarrassed about how you feel and showing your emotions - you are only human after all. xxxxx

Morning everyone

We went to my friends caravan with all the kids for the weekend, and all I have done is cry.

Silly really, but my friends caravan is right by where we used to go for family days out.
I found this unbelievably difficult to believe we would'nt all be going to these places again, and I think it really hit me.
I feel really sad, and miss my dad so much.

Never mind I have to accept, like so many of you have said, this is going to be a bad day, and so what if I cry all the way round morrisons !!!

Thank you everyone, and I'm sorry we have all been in this horrible situation of loosing someone we love.

yorkiemom sorry to have not replied sooner I've hardly been on MN recently

I hope you're doing ok x

Hi dizzy

I'm doing ok thanks, good and bad days.

How are you doing ???

not too bad but a little concerned am in denial and not moving on from that I'm finding dad increasingly harder to get on with though - I think he's struggling a bit

I think denial seems normal, on my good days I imagine my dad is still at work, throughout the day. Is that the sort of thing you do? or just can't believe she has gone ?
Its crap is'nt it. I spoke to my dads mac nurse last week, and said that I can't believe it, and that eveerything feels like a bad dream, and its as if I'm stuck in a bubble ! She said that this was perfectly normal, and not to push yourself to accept it, it will just happen in time. Hope that helps a little.

I'm sorry your not getting on too well with your dad, I think like everything its a hard situation your in, and I'd just give it time. Is your dad not coping too well then?

My moms ok, but she has a lot of thing to sort.Her house is going to be repossessed. My dad was made redundant just before christmas last year, and cancelled their life cover, so now there is no policy to pay up. It awful that our family home is going to go, but we have tried and cannot get a buy to let mortgage in the current climate.
So we are busy trying to find a house for mom to rent, and we don't seem to get time to stop and think about anything. Perhaps a good thing.

I hope things get better with your dad.

yorkie I tend just not to think about where she is or what she's doing. We stay 100 miles away from my parents and didn't see them that often to be honest. We still spoke on the phone a lot but dh and I work opposite shifts to look after the girls and I'd been having complications with the pregnancy so hadn't been home as often as I'd liked.

she got her first cancer in 2002 so it wasn't unusual for us to go for weeks without a visit either way and thats kind of what it feels like, just as if we've not seen each other - I think it'll jump up and slap me in the face when I first go home. DD3 is now nearly 10wks old so I know I'll be making the journey soon, probably sometime during the school holidays

Am so sorry to hear about whats happening with your mum's house, what a horrible thing. The only thing I can think of is that once all the horrible part is over it might be the chance for a fresh new start in a new place, not forgetting about your dad but not being constantly reminded of his absence

I hope that sounds the way I mean it to sound and not harsh iyswim?

Yorkie - 'stuck in a bubble'...yes this is such a normal feeling and absolutely nothing to be concerned about. I felt like I was in a bubble for a good few weeks after Dad died...I can remember thinking I was desperate for someone to come and pop it for me but also, at the same time, wanting to be left alone inside it so I didn't have to talk to anyone/face anyone!

Remember to 'let go' when you feel the need to. Cry when you want. Don't hold your tears back 'just because'...etc etc. I still cry for my Dad even now, almost 3yrs after he's died...I think having a good cry is good for you.

I found it really hard to get people (mates) to understand how I felt because they hadn't lost someone so close to them themselves - then when I found someone who had also lost their Dad they were a great help and fully understood what I was going thru.

Just remember....your Dad wouldn't want to see you upset...he would want to see you smile. Whenever I get upset I just think 'Dad wouldn't want me like this - he'd be saying...."oh come on, cheer up"....' So, no matter how hard it is, I dry the tears and get on. xx

yorkie are you doing ok?

Hi dizzy, sory not been around. Last week not too brill, loads to sort out with my mom and the house!
Have just got back today from Dawlish, where we were the weekend to spread dads ashes. It was horrible, just like a funeral all over again. But actually taking dads ashes down to his favourite part of the beach, and spreading them in the sea was ok, just where my dad loved.
Being back in Dawlish was very emotional though, I kept expecting to see my dad walking along. Every leaf on the trees, and pebble on the beach made me feel so sad that my dad was'nt there in person with us, although I'm sure he was there in spirit. The sun shone, and it felt like dad had done that for us. I did'nt think I had that many tears left but this weekend has been both good and bad. I've felt very sad that dad was'nt there, but very close to him, in his favourite place.
We hace kept some ashes back to have put in his own nan and grandads grave, so we will have somewhere to visit.
I feel it will be a while before I can face Dawlish again, and my poor dh says he will never go back, after 20 years of holidays there with my dad he found this weekend just unbearable.
Anyway enough about me, how are thing with you. Have you planned that visit yet ?

Thanks for your kind words whispy. You are very right my dad would'nt want to see me crying so much. I will try and not get through a whole loo roll tomorrow !!!

Good night and god bless xxx

don't be silly just didn't want you to think I'd forgotten about you.

am just back from a weekend away too. dh, the kids and I went for a two night stay at a hotel resort with my dad, brother, sil and nephew. it was great but really felt my mum's absence as she would have loved to see all the kids together

am sorry you found it so sad but completely understand - I do believe that this is hardest time and you've done the 'worst' bits iyswim. maybe you and your dh will find comfort in that place in a few years when it is not so raw. I haven't been as brave and haven't been home yet. won't be this weekend as my friend coming over from Dublin to meet baby and then am sure I kind find some reason to string it out a bit more after that

hope its dry where you are x