I will be older than my mum

[leavesinthebreeze]

Next week is my birthday and I will be older than my mum reached. Does anyone understand how weird and hard this is? I want to ignore it. I don’t want to celebrate something my mum never could. But it’s the big 5-0 and my kids want me to celebrate it. I never thought I would get here - I never thought I would be older than my mum. And also, she seemed so much older at my age than I feel 🤣 I just want to ignore my birthday

If it’s about your mum for you then I would do something with your children. So it’s sort of a mum event.
Not sure if I’m explaining it well but it makes sense in my head.

So something like an afternoon tea just you and your children. If they do a glass of Prosecco as they often do then do a toast to your mum whilst you are there. (Or use lemonade if your children are too young).

So you can have a quiet, thoughtful celebration that also honours your mum. Also it’s celebrating the “mum” relationship as you are spending time with your kids.

3 of my children are now older than the age I was when she died. I just can’t be older than her. I just can’t.

I know how you feel. I am already 9 years older than my father ever reached and only a few years younger than my mum managed. None of my kids ever got to meet either of my parents who predeceased their birth by some time. It makes me sad for them and for me. It also makes me feel lucky I am still here.

I like the idea of the previous poster of making a celebration about you and your mum: your birthday and her “never” birthday. Raise a glass to her and the fact none of you would be there without her.

Happened to me in 2015 - my mum died at 54 years 11 months and 4 days. I remember the day and I was very emotional. Particularly at the actual time she died - I cried at that point. All of my siblings have now passed that age as well.

I also remember the day when my son was exactly the same age as my sister 14 years 7 months and 3 days when mum died - that was very emotional seeing him sitting there and knowing my sister had no mum at that age.

My cousins found themselves in your shoes after losing their Mum when she was 46, I think they both struggled with this milestone to begin with but when the eldest was about 49 she went into hospital for treatment of a fairly nasty health condition, got sepsis and nearly died. Happily she made a full recovery, and she says her feelings about exceeding her mum's age really changed after that, in that she realised what a privilege every year is. Now she throws herself into big birthdays and other milestones (becoming a grandparent, retirement etc) precisely because her mum never had that opportunity.

It must be such a complicated experience losing a parent so young, I feel for you

My husband found this really hard when he became older than his dad ever was. If you lose someone early I think this is a common experience

That’s it. I have helped my children navigate GCSEs, a levels and uni - and every time I look at them and think I didn’t have that. I know that sounds awful
and selfish. I just wish I could my birthday. I want it to be ignored and just have a normal day. I honestly don’t want to acknowledge it. But my dc don’t want that. I’m generally ok day to day, but I hate my birthday without my mum and I really don’t want to do anything. It feels like a massive hill I have to get over and I will be so relieved once it has been and gone. I don’t want to weep or wail on the day - I just want it to be a regular day without thinking how my mum must have felt holding me for the first time and then 49years later deliberately choosing to leave me.

I definitely know it’s a privilege getting older. I never complain about ageing because what’s the alternative? I just don’t want to acknowledge one particular day - but I don’t know how to do that without without coming across like a twat and upsetting my dc. I wish I could delete my birthday so the day is normal and I don’t have to think about celebrating/ignoring it - does that make sense?

My dad died at a relatively young age and I am 12 years older than him currently .
The it was weird getting to the same age as in the back of my mind I wondered if that would be " my date " also .
My mum had also died and I have 14 years to go until I get there .

It’s a bizarre and weird feeling isnt it? I’m sorry you have lost both parents.

Urgh sorry for saying ‘lost’ I hate that word too 🤦🏽‍♀️

Do you think you could explain to your kids, in a non trauma-dumping way? I'd be able to tell mine that I wanted a low key birthday because the milestone brings up grief and makes me sad about losing my own mum.

Is there anywhere you go to grieve her, like the grave, or somewhere you can go that is meaningful for you and her? Could you celebrate with your kids but in a month or two?

It's okay to feel this, you're grieving, I don't think you should feel you have to lock that away and pretend to be normal.

I'm about to be 60. DH died at 59. I have told our children that I don't want them here and I don't want to celebrate. They have accepted it but I know they don't really like it.
My dad died at 48. When I turned 49 I almost felt as if I was living on borrowed time.
It's a really sad feeling that you are doing things they will never get to do.

I know how you feel, I’m 5 years older than my mum when she died and it just reminds me how unfair it is. She never knew that I had children, she never got to hold a grandchild.
The worst for me was the Christmas before I was the age when she died, I felt like it could be my last Christmas too. Stupid as it seems, I couldn’t get over the feeling that I’d die at the same age.

She has a tree, not a grave. The issue is I don’t want to acknowledge the day at all. I just want it to be a normal Thursday. I get angry at my dad at the thought of it because his treatment of her partially caused her to die and now he wants to make a big deal of a birthday my mum never got to celebrate.
This is going to sound awful but my dd sees it as an opportunity to have a slap up meal that my dad will pay for out of guilt - and I really want a fabulous steak 🙈 but there will always be one birthday card missing and I just want the day erased. That would be easier - if my birthday didn’t exist so I didn’t need to decide whether to celebrate or ignore it. Then I’m ok. But obviously I can’t do that.

Have you told your kids how you’re feeling?

my mum died when I was a tot. So I’ve had many milestones that she didn’t enjoy. I understand how you feel. And I wonder whether it’s particularly intense given how she died (if I’m understanding your implication correctly).

I hope you get through the date peacefully and you find release from your discomfort.

Yes! That’s how I feel - I always thought I would die at the same age too. I’m still not convinced I will survive to my birthday. Logic says I will.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum - it’s so fucking shit Isn’t it?

I felt this way for a few years after my mum died. I did what others on here suggested. Did things that I knew my DC would like and in my head, made the day about them, rather than me. Maybe tell them no gifts, but suggest you all go out for a meal instead. It worked for me.

Yes - she killed herself. I have told my older dc how I feel. I am the only parent my dc have (apart from my youngest) so my dd sympathises but then tells me to suck it up for one day to get a decent meal out of my dad and that her younger siblings won’t understand me wanting to ignore it. She is great, and doesn’t say anything in a mean way. She makes me laugh

This has just happened to me so I totally understand how you feel. My mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly at 59 years old.

On my birthday last year I reached that age. This year has been full of anxiety about whether I’d reach 60. With the realisation of how young she actually was with so much life left to live.

Last week I had my 60th birthday. A very strange day that I was dreading. I wanted to just ignore it as well. I explained to my family how I felt and we settled on something very low key.

For what it’s worth I found the day much easier than I thought it would be. Afterwards I went back to the normal missing my mum every day. Rather than the raw grief and dread I’ve felt all this year. I really hope this is the same for you.

This is where I feel an awful person - if I am going to acknowledge the day to make my dc feel better then I want to get what I can out of my dad because he is the reason she isn’t here. I know that paints me in a crap light but I am just being honest.

I think the build up to these things is always worse than the actual day?
I’m so sorry to hear your mum died suddenly - it’s fucking horrendous isn’t it?

This resonates. My paternal uncles and my paternal grandad all died in their early 50s and my dad always had that feeling of living on borrowed time. He also died reasonably prematurely at the age of 70.

I look after my health now because the genetics are not good. ☹️☹️

I think you need to discuss all this with a therapist. Sounds like you have a lot still to sort through, and if your children are now older than you were at the time, you have been hanging on to it for a very long time.

Would it make it any better if you did nothing on the Thursday of your birthday and had a meal out the weekend before or after? So the actual day can be quiet but there's still a celebration of sorts?

I'm sorry your mum died and this year is so tough for you x