I will be older than my mum

[leavesinthebreeze]

Next week is my birthday and I will be older than my mum reached. Does anyone understand how weird and hard this is? I want to ignore it. I don’t want to celebrate something my mum never could. But it’s the big 5-0 and my kids want me to celebrate it. I never thought I would get here - I never thought I would be older than my mum. And also, she seemed so much older at my age than I feel 🤣 I just want to ignore my birthday

I am so angry and fucking annoyed she isn’t here! She has missed out on amazing grandchildren, caused immense hurt to me and my sister. The annoying thing is she was a right bloody trailblazer in her time. You know the BBC documentary Stolen Babies? She was nearly a victim of that. She became a single mum in the 60s and told social services to fuck off when they tried to take my brother off her. She trained as a nurse whilst a single mum. She was so fucking strong and a determined feminist long before I knew what the word meant. She was way ahead of her time in her attitudes and beliefs. She became a social worker and we had so many kids join us on days out or for Christmas from the children’s home she worked out when they had no place to go. She was fucking awesome- but she got beaten to the point she felt she was useless and didn’t deserve to be alive.

Sorry for that emotional vomit 🤣

Could you arrange to have something (normal and everyday) on, on your birthday, and have to arrange the meal on another day?

I think reframing it in your mind might help. So go for the very expensive meal but not have it in your head as your birthday.

Gently, @leavesinthebreeze, it might help getting some therapy to help deal with it. The suicide of a parent is always going to be really hard to deal with, so you're absolutely not wrong or weird to feel this way. You could do with some help finding ways that work for you, to cope with it.

She loved the sea. She loved the sounds of the waves. Her sister sat on the beach and recorded it for her. Then her sister died of cancer. My mum died 15 months later. My mum lost her dad when she was 39 - he championed her as a single parent in the 60s and was always there for her and him dying really knocked her.

She never realised how much she achieved on her own with my brother. Police were shit back in the early 90s and didn’t help with domestic abuse. She was just amazing and I am not as strong as she was

I lost my mother when she was 45- two days after her birthday. So there are two days I feel like shite.. She died suddenly and horribly and I feel like the trauma has permanently marked my brain.
My dad died at 60 so I do really feel now I have reached that age that Im in uncharted seas, as it were

It’s the normal course of life that we outlive our parents. The real tragedy is when you outlive your children. Try to focus on your family and be grateful.

Yes - it feels unchartered doesn’t it? That’s a perfect way of expressing it. I’m sorry to hear about your parents - shit isn’t it? What would you do I my position? Rinse my dad for a fabulous meal? Ignore birthday completely?

Very true. My nana had both her daughters die before her - that is truly shit.
My head tells me to look at what I have. My heart remembers me being 16 and seeing my mums body after she killed herself. I wish my heart would shut up.

Honestly, I would ignore it . But that's just me. My dad also wasn't the greatest husband or father- and I now wish I'd pulled him up on it after my mother died. Not that it would have made the slightest fucking difference
It's just all so hard... And NOBODY understands unless they have been through it.

My Mum died at 48 and I was in my early 20’s. I found turning 48 (combined with being perimenopausal) was a really difficult transition that manifested itself in a lot of anxiety - that I only recognised in retrospect was related.

Im not sure I grieved properly when she died maybe because I was too young or too busy or too selfish. It hit me more profoundly after I had children of my own.

Now I’m 15 years older than she was when she died I try not to moan too much about ageing as it’s better than the alternative.

One thing I have noticed is that I lack a road map of how to navigate relationships with my adult children. I haven’t experienced it myself so sometimes my expectations or responses can take a bit of working out

You shouldn’t deprive your DC of celebrating their mother’s birthday. It is a special day for them and one they will remember. With the best will in the world I think you would benefit from some therapy as you need to move forward and enjoy your family life rather than thinking about what you did not have.

You can and you will my lovely because she would want that for you.

You are living the life she wanted you to have. Be proud and celebrate this milestone!

Oh, definitely rinse your dad for a fabulous meal. That's what dad's are for 😁

I had a similar feeling when I reached 55, which was older than mum. It really brought back all the feelings and yes, felt unchartered. I had a low key birthday, felt sad and gradually started to feel better.

There was a radio 4 programme about 6mths ago about this very phenomenon where you become the age that your parent died. It has a term, which I can't recall now. It was interesting to read about the emotional turmoil we go through at that time.

My dad died suddenly of a heart attack at 47, I was 15 and my brother only 11. I was 47 last year and it was a strange feeling being that age. I suspect it will be harder on my brother though.

Oh god thank you for your responses - much as I hate that others have lost parents relatively young it’s still kind of nice that other people get it!

This. This times a million.
I feel clueless sometimes parenting my dc - and also look at them and think I didn’t have a parent at their age (dad was too busy shagging around) how did you navigate that? I have tried so much counselling but I can’t afford private and ultimately they can’t do what I want - which is for it not to have happened.

@leavesinthebreeze My dad went AWOL, moved some distance away and quickly remarried. I don’t exactly resent that but it meant having to muddle through parenting young adults. Now I’m just not sure what a normal relationship looks like with adult children - tending to be a bit paranoid that they hate me when they’re maybe just getting on with busy adult lives or worrying about how I might have damaged them by imperfect parenting. That all might be true or it might not - but I haven’t the internal map to help. I try very hard to focus on the positives - and I’m not a natural sunny optimist by any means - but that helps a bit.

You get it. You really get it. You are articulating so well how I feel. It sucks doesn’t it?

I’m not a naturally sunny optimistic person either - I have raised my dc to be so independent from me because I know that the worst can happen and I want them always to be prepared practically so if anything happens to me then they know practically how to live life from a young age.

I really miss having that adult relationship with my mum. She was such a lovely life affirming person and there is so much I still would like to share with her

Aww 😢 ditto! It’s so shit Isn’t it? My mum valued everyone, helped everyone, defended everyone - except herself. She forgot that she mattered too. She changed so many lives - saved a child from drowning, had a baby named after her by one of the kids in care who she went over and above for, volunteered in all manners to help kids. Yet forgot about herself. It’s so annoying.
I watch Long Lost Family a lot and see women of my mums age who didn’t feel able to keep their babies and think my mum must have been so fucking strong to go against her parents and SS to keep my brother with her. That takes some guts in the 60s! Why then did she tolerate being beaten by my dad? I know it’s not that simple I really do- and tolerate is the wrong word- but she had done so well and stuck 2 fingers up to society expectations at the time - why couldn’t she do that one last time? ☹️

It must be very difficult that your father is still around and still involved in your life . How where you able to come to terms with that .
There are so many things going on for you . Losing a parent through suicide is heartbreaking. As you say there are so many things she didn't live to see. You sound like you have done a great job of being a mother to your own kids .

This might sound deranged but he is an amazing grandfather - way better than he was as a dad. I’ve seen him cry and wish he hadn’t been who he was. He acknowledges everything he did wrong. And this is where the fucked up bit comes in - he got so much money when my mum died that I will stay close to him to ensure my dc get as much financial help as possible. Plus (again I recognise I sound very fucked up) I know I can remind him any time of the awful things he did to her. On the other side of the coin his mum died suddenly when he was 15 and his dad remarried within a year so he has his own shit going on in his head. But mainly he adores my 4 dc - and the price he has to pay being in their life is that I bring up difficult subjects for him sometimes. I actually still love him and care for him (he’s 82) but he knows that if me and my siblings could choose which parent died it wouldn’t be my mum and that must be crap for him to know that.