DH died suddenly-need support and prayers please

[Evenstar]

My DH passed away suddenly on Thursday 26 June, there has to be a post mortem and I cannot bring him home until the coroner releases his body. I am struggling to realise that he is gone, as I have been unable to go and see him owing to distance from home and mortuary being closed at weekend. Mum and brother are here, am getting amazing support from them, my 3 children and so many friends. I am finding it hard at night and getting up very early not wanting to wake others but feel need to chat.

Hi Evenstar - haven't posted here for ages and I hope you are getting on ok.

Just read your last post and it reminded me of my boss of several years ago - his father died of a heart attack aged 42 and my boss spent his life worrying that he would do the same (and working towards NOT doing the same by watching what he ate and doing lots of exercise). He didn't let it overshadow too much, but it was a constant fear in the back of his mind, until he passed the age of 42 himself. I think now he feels blessed for each year that he lives longer than his father did - but what a thing to have to think about for most of your adult life.

I hope your DCn won't have this hang up - but then if your DH was diabetic and they are not, it is unlikely.

Keep going a day at a time thumbwitch, my friend who lost her DP to cancer last year said there are good days, bad days and really bad days. I think that is true. I do fear that my DC's may worry about the family history, especially as SIL and FIL died relatively young of cancer as well as FIL and BIL having heart disease. I just tell them that keeping a healthy weight and a good lifestyle is the greatest protection that they can give themselves. Also very healthy genes on my side, with 3 grandparents living into their nineties and no cancer in the immediate family, two family members died suddenly with heart attacks but not until their seventies, so I am hoping it will balance out. I am still waiting on DH's post mortem report and plan to discuss it with our GP at that point, and see whether the children should be checked for anything such as high cholesterol which I know can be inherited.

Glad you have healthy genes and I think you are right, good lifestyle and diet go a long way to prevention.

My family history of cancer has just taken yet another turn for the worse as Dad has just been diagnosed with ca prostate but luckily (?) it seems to be relatively contained and eminently treatable. Fingers crossed. Until 3 years ago, the only family member we knew of with Ca was my grandpa, who smoked a pipe - and in the last 3 years, my niece has had a brain tumour (successfully removed), mum had bowel ca and now dad and his prostate. It makes ME worry for DS as DH's mum's family have a shit Ca rating too - lots of Ca breast (all three sisters). Still, all you can do is be as healthy as possible and be vigilant, isn't it?

love to you and your family - one day at a time is the only way really.

Sorry to hear about your father thumbwitch, it must be worrying, my friend's dad has prostate cancer. They have treated him with tablets alone due to his age, and say it is not life threatening, my friend's brother who is a GP says the irony of screening is that you pick up lots of cases that would never have caused a problem in the person's lifetime. Take care thanks for looking in on me x

How are you Evenstar?

Had a bit of a wobbly week to be honest, I have cleared some of DH's things and made some changes in my bedroom, and it hasn't been easy. There have been some very sad stories in the news, the weather has been gloomy here and I just feel a bit low. I am shocked by that horrible thread on "In the News" and saddened by how much it has upset some of our bereaved mums who need and deserve all the support we can give them. I almost posted myself to ask if we should all keep any troubles in our lives to ourselves in case it upset others, but as it was turning into something resembling the nastier threads on "Am I Being Unreasonable" I decided to steer clear. How are you imaginary friend? I have been thinking of you as well and hoping that you are beginning to adjust to work etc without your dear friend.

I didn't catch that 'in the news' thread you're referring to Evenstar and I think I must have missed the AIBU threads you mean too. I don't get to scout around on here as much as I used to.

Your week sounds sad. Sorting through your dh's things must be so difficult.

Work is still pretty flat without my friend. They cleared her desk and corner and it now looks totally barren to walk past. They're not replacing her as they feel they can't, so they're re-structuring things instead. everything is rather in limbo.

One interesting development is that the man at Bridget's funeral who I mentioned in my post on Thurs 6 Nov, 14.12, got in touch with me via work. It turns out that my friend was his first love in the late 70s / early 80s but that they split up in a sad way. He then worked abroad for a number of years, got married and had a family before meeting my boss again in 2000 through work. They then struck up a close friendship. He described how his memories of her from their younger days have completely influenced his later adult life and how his memories are 'technicolour'. We've been emailing since and it's been a very big help.

Glad to hear that you are getting on OK imaginaryfriend, it is very helpful to have someone to share the memories with I know. I have had a very busy weekend, still trying to get the house in order, I had to go and get DS2 some new clothes on Saturday and do the grocery shopping then yesterday took DS2 and DD with me to IKEA which is about 100 miles round trip. Typically some things were out of stock so I have to go again at some point. Today I have been cleaning and rearranging DS2's room which is in such a state that I think it will take me another day at least to clear it . I have taken bagfuls of toys and clothes out for the charity shop and moved some furniture around. I also have some furniture to give to our local community store which helps homeless people moving into accomodation. I am shattered tonight. Hope you have had a good weekend, I think I feel a bit better for being so busy really.

Hello Evenstar

Being busy is the BEST idea. It's easier said than done sometimes though I know.

How are you now in your grief? Are you feeling the acuteness of it lessening? Has it changed at all?

Thinking of you as always xxx

Thanks imaginaryfriend, I think in some ways as I have accepted what happened the grief has got worse, but in other ways I am better at compartmentalising it and presenting a good front to others. I am lucky to have people to share feelings with in RL as well as on here and the WAY foundation forum. I have been thinking of you hope that you are well. I have been incredibly busy this week though and achieved a lot I think and it does help.

In what way is the grief worse Evenstar? Is it the finality of it?

I'm so glad you're not alone with it.

Do you find you still 'talk' to your dh?

I think it is accepting the finality of it imaginaryfriend, that this is what my life is now although I never wanted it to be like this. Also, however I am not someone who feels lonely usually although I enjoy other people's company I am also content with my own. Sometimes now I feel a sort of "inner lonelieness" that is not comforted by being with people in fact it is worse because you feel that their lives are unchanged by what has happened to you. I am OK really just having more bad days at the moment. There just seem to be a lot of problems that DH would have sorted out for me, had a problem with the central heating over the weekend which I have worked out and DS1's car has seemingly got a major fault and may be a write off, DH and I bought that as an early 18th birthday present before he died. DS1 is also being rude and difficult and disrespecting rules of the house again. I feel unsupported to a degree as all my family are so far away, and there is little they can do about practical problems if I need help or advice.

Hello, Evenstar, wondering how things are with you. We have been offline for ages as we moved the computer while the decorator was here, which seemed to go on for a long time. Then last week I had a house full of ill bodies, and have only just got them all back to school.

Really hoping that you have had some better days.

Hi struwellpeter glad to see you back, not so good lately to be honest, it has not been all bad but I had DH's post mortem report last week and that was hard to read. I have also been preparing to send my Christmas letter and cards and found it very difficult to write a note for people who don't know yet. I am OK really and I have had some good days, I think I will feel better when the cards are done, so I am sat here now just about to start. I am glad you have got your decorating done, mine is here again just literally finishing off the last bits like the downstairs loo and odd bits of woodwork. I have been clearing out some of DH's things as well in preparation for my new bedroom furniture arriving. I think it has been a combination of things really, plus the gloomy weather. Hope your sons are OK now I know you had a few worries last time we "spoke", my DD isn't getting on as well at Sixth Form as I thought and we are having conversations with the college about what to do, there is a possiblity she might have to drop an A/S level for an easier one, but I really don't want that to happen she is a very bright academic girl.

Hello Evenstar . Was the autopsy hard to read because it told you things you didn't know or just because it made things so black and white? Do you feel it gives an adequate medical explanation as to what happened to him?

Oh absolutely imaginaryfriend, it is very plain that his heart was in a bad way, I don't know how he carried on working and going to his choirs. He really didn't seem ill and I am grateful he enjoyed what was left of his life, he would have faced either massive heart surgery which would have left him with a limited life or heart failure if the surgery had not been an option. It is seeing it written down in cold words that is hard, because it was only what I had expected really from what happened to him. How are you, are things a little easier now at work?

I can imagine that Evenstar. It's like some people's bodies are silent time bombs isn't it? My friend at work must have been similar although she didn't have any medical conditions like your dh - no predisposing factors. But it was a massive brain haemorrhage, the kind that has always been waiting to happen in an artery.

Things at work go on as things do. Everyone misses my friend though. We boxed up her things which was hard and sent them to her partner. I worry about him as he's not a 'coping' kind, she was definitely the 'trousers' in their relationship.

Thankyou everlong, I am still thinking of you every day, I have had a difficult day today, but I have developed the cold that I have been fighting off for several days and that hasn't helped. Two oldest children had a fight over a computer mouse (18 and 16 but you wouldn't think it), DH's university friend has been over to sort my computers out and whilst it was lovely to see him and his family, I miss DH so much and it is hard to see other families together sometimes. I am sure you must feel the same, hope you are still gettings lots of support. Take care x

Imaginaryfriend glad to hear that things are a little easier this week, packing personal belongings away is hard, I finished DH's wardrobe last week and I felt very sad. I have kept some special items, but I had to empty it anyway to move the wardrobe for the decorator and it seemed foolish to put myself through it again when my new wardrobe comes in the next couple of weeks.

Thanks everlong, we are doing OK, went to DH's grave yesterday with Christmas wreaths and felt quite low, but my mum and stepfather arrived for Christmas today and we have been very busy and it does help. Hope you are doing all right, thinking of you every day. I haven't been around so much because two of the children and I have had dreadful colds and coughs and my asthma has been bad so having some earlier nights, we are all feeling a lot better now.

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I've been thinking of you too Evenstar. This is a tough time of year isn't it? I keep wondering how my friend's partner is coping over Christmas. They were together for 27 years when she died.

We are also going through the process of coming to terms with terminal illness in two of our friends - one is a friend of mine and the other the partner of one of dp's colleagues. Both are way too young to be facing the end of their lives and both have put up a good fight.

There's something very depressing about reaching an age in which one's friends and loved ones begin to die isn't there? It seems hard to imagine that there was ever a feeling of 'invulnerability.'

Thank you Yorkiegirl and imaginaryfriend, it is kind of you to remember me. I have not been able to have a wreath on my front door this year, it just seemed to make me feel sad whenever I thought of doing it so I haven't. This afternoon though I have bought a lovely arrangement of outdoor plants and put it in the porch, it seemed a good compromise. Sorry to hear about your friends imaginaryfriend, it is hard for you to cope with after your recent bereavement I am sure. Hugs to you Yorkiegirl, I don't suppose it really gets any easier. I will be thinking of you both at Christmas.